Understanding The Fawn Response: Insight Timer Live Session

Join me in this Insight Timer Live talk and practice from 11-8-2025 on the topic of understanding the fawn response. When we learn about our nervous systems, we hear most often about our fight/flight or freeze responses and not much about the fawn and appeasement protective strategies. Fawning and appeasing usually develop in childhood and can become a protective habit that eventually restricts our relational experiences in adulthood. Join me in this practice to learn how we can become aware of and shift this protective pattern with deep curiosity and kindness. Looking forward to having you listen to this!

Transcript

Hello,

And welcome to this Insight Timer live session on Understanding the Fawn Response from November 8,

2025.

This is a little more dense of an educational piece on understanding the fawn response.

This fawn response is not spoken of as often as the fight,

Flight,

Or freeze response.

Fawning and appeasing are cousins to each other,

They're not exactly the same,

But they're very related,

And so we're going to tease out these responses.

Let me just define the fawn response.

It is a protective response.

It usually develops early in life,

Although it can come on in adulthood,

But it develops in the presence of either intimidating or abusive relational situations.

And so the fawning happens when there's a power over,

Structure over the individual or the child.

The amygdala registers the threat,

But it realizes then that fawning is the safest strategy.

This process is kind of under,

It's a more unconscious process.

This is a really instinctual,

Not a conscious choice,

This fawning response.

And it is characterized by people pleasing at,

You know,

At the expense of our own needs.

People who fawn have a fear of conflict.

It's difficult to say no or to set boundaries.

Going along with others to minimize emotional distress and threat.

And so over time,

That can lead us to not be aware of our own preferences,

What we like,

What we feel,

And there's a high risk of being taken advantage of in relationships.

It's very exhausting,

And you can end up in more of a functional freeze,

Where you're more numb and closed down.

It's really about the nervous system deciding that the only way I can protect myself is by complying with the person I'm with or the people that I'm with or the situation that I'm in.

So it's exhausting over time,

Right?

So how is fawning different than appeasement?

So appeasement is a strategy that's a little bit more conscious.

There's more of a ventral communication part of appeasement,

Like there's a little bit more strategy,

A little bit more cognitive awareness.

So it's more active and intentional and often more verbal,

Which is different than the fawning,

Which is just sort of a shut down and just go along to stay alive.

You know,

There certainly can be communication in the fawn response,

But it's not quite as conscious.

So in the appeasement response,

There's a little bit less submission and placating than the fawning.

Again,

It's sort of like this false agreeableness to keep ourselves safe.

Both appeasement and fawning are deeply,

Deeply protective strategies that help us survive.

Sometimes the confusing pieces of this is appeasement and fawning can look pro-social.

It can look like we're engaging and maybe laughing and,

You know,

We're caretaking and smiling.

But really what's happening is it's not a co-regulating thing that we're doing with the person who has power over us.

You know,

It's not co-regulating because there's no safety in the relationship.

It's not based on mutuality,

But it can look pro-social.

It can be a little hard to notice when we're doing it.

It was like,

Well,

I was laughing,

We were talking about dinner,

And I just said,

Oh,

I'll just,

Wherever you want to go,

I'll go out to dinner.

So I know this particular survival approach very well.

I've practiced it a lot.

I can be good at it.

And I'm trying to kind of break the trance of it so I can see of like,

Wait a minute,

What is it that I want?

Where do I want to go to dinner?

It's been a whole process because when I first started noticing my fawn response and my appeasement response,

I had no idea about my personal,

Like,

Or dislikes.

I didn't know what I wanted.

Like,

I had a hard time checking in to see if there was even any wish or any want.

And that's what gets extinguished in this fawning and appeasement strategies.

We lose ourself so that we can do what the other wants in order to stay safe.

What's happening in our nervous system when we're in either fawn or appeasement states?

The amygdala is where we detect our threat in our midbrain.

The amygdala signals threat,

Which activates all that sympathetic fight-flight energy,

But it learns that submission is safer.

The sympathetic nervous system gets suppressed because we need that dorsal break.

We need that,

We need to hold down our fight-flight so we can appear cooperative,

Team player,

And submissive,

And it pulls us into compliance and numbing.

But we can have abnormal cortisol levels.

There can be lots of dysregulation.

With depression or anxiety and a lot of hypervigilance as well as deep fatigue because the system is tamping down the sympathetic,

Which takes a lot of energy.

And so in job environments,

You may or may not have defined roles of your particular work,

But there's this notion of,

You know,

Being a team player.

If you don't play along with a team,

If you're a little more assertive with your ideas,

Then people may feel threatened by you.

If you have people over you in terms of power,

Like your boss or people that are above you,

It may not be safe to state your opinions or to buck the system.

You might be punished or treated worse if you stand up for yourself.

Appeasement is probably going to be more in effect because there's a little bit of strategizing of like,

How do I come into this meeting?

How do I assert myself without upsetting everyone?

It's tricky.

The power differential is definitely real.

My experience was very different.

I feel like a lot of my appeasement strategies happened in my spiritual community because the teacher was the one that was in charge and whatever he said goes.

And if you didn't follow along,

Then you were not serious.

You were not committed.

You were doing this half-heartedly.

Why were you even here?

Basically submit to whatever the schedule,

The practices,

The diet,

Whatever it was in service of the group.

That was a challenge after I left.

I had so little personal experience of what I wanted or needed in life.

And so,

The fawn and appeasement strategies can also happen in family situations when you're growing up,

When you have maybe a domineering parent or sibling.

It's not safe.

You know,

If there's any addiction or mental health challenges in the family,

It can bring on that fawning and submissive response.

Kind of the last piece that I want to bring up before we do a practice together is understanding the deep bind that an individual is experiencing.

The child may be in terror because you don't want to lose the relationship,

But the person you connect with is dangerous.

So there's this physiological bind,

There's this survival bind,

There's this emotional bind,

And relational bind.

I don't want to lose this person because then I can't survive,

But this person is dangerous.

How do I survive this?

It's important to notice and name that bind if you happen to be in a situation where you're feeling like you're fawning.

Working with fawn and appeasement strategies,

Really,

It's about being mindful and noticing when it's there.

So we also want to find options to relate to others.

It's a learning curve.

It takes time.

With people that we are comfortable with,

Can we be more assertive about what it is that we want?

Resourcing ourselves is important.

Deep compassion.

Because at the time,

There was no other option.

When you were little,

Or when you're in a job situation,

Or when there's a threat of sexual danger that you might be attacked,

There is really no other alternative.

And we need to be really,

Really compassionate with ourselves.

And then build resources outside of the challenging relationships.

And boundary work.

We're going to touch on a few of these in our practice today.

Come into a comfortable posture where you can arrive with yourself with some tenderness.

And give yourself permission to pace yourself.

Step in and out of this practice if it feels like it could be too much.

The reason I say that is that we're taking a look at very deep and powerful protective survival strategies.

So feeling your body settle into your seat or the surface beneath you.

And so just noticing your surroundings.

We're all here together.

We're breathing.

And we're curious.

Remember that curiosity is a trait of this beautiful ventral vagal state.

And so being curious is stepping into our mindful and kind perspective.

So take a moment and notice and name and just see if there is a bind,

Right,

A relational bind with someone in your life.

This may be a person from your past,

You know,

Parent or family member.

Or it could be a person that's in your life right now where you have this feeling like I can't bring up my own personal needs,

Can't speak my opinion,

Or I can't share what I want to share,

Or I can't set a boundary.

And see if you can notice the bind in your body.

I need or want to stay connected to this person,

But I can't be myself.

It's too risky.

And just notice if there's that tension somewhere in your body.

And see if you can locate it.

Is it more on the front side of your body?

Is it a tension or tightness in your chest,

Or maybe your belly?

Maybe it's shoulders,

Maybe a heavy weight.

Could also be a vigilant scanning,

Like you're always watching or looking out,

Always trying to notice or feeling of walking on eggshells.

That's part of that vigilance.

You know,

Notice the front side of your body and see if that holds most of the tension.

And then maybe notice the backside of your body.

And for some people,

The backside of their body is more vigilant,

Especially if you've had someone approach you from the backside and surprise you or startle you.

So that can be more sensitive on the backside of your body.

Then notice the right side.

Is there more charge or activation in the right side or the left side?

And then acknowledge to yourself that there was no other alternative at the time.

This is what my nervous system chose for my own safety,

And it worked.

I'm still here.

Thank you,

Body.

Thank you,

Nervous system.

And notice if that piece of compassion helps soften that tension in your body.

Another tool to work with fawn and appeasement is to kind of tease apart time.

Then in the past,

I needed this strategy,

But now I have more choice.

Then I was really young,

And this strategy worked for me.

But now I'm an adult.

I can have more choice.

I can protect myself in many different ways.

Then I didn't have many options.

Now I have more choice.

And so notice how this languaging of acknowledging that in the past we needed to use this because there wasn't any alternative,

But now we have more choice.

This can uncouple or unhook the habit of this survival response.

And to make this then and now more sensory,

Look around your room.

Orient.

Hey,

I'm here.

I can sit in a chair and my feet actually touch the floor.

I'm a big person now.

Or it might be that that person is no longer alive.

That was so difficult for me.

Or now,

Here,

I have so many more choices and options.

Orienting is also really helpful because this fawn and appeasement is almost like we fall back in a trance of our childhood,

If that's where it originated from,

For the means of protection.

These are not bad strategies.

This is very deeply protective.

Next,

We can feel some embodiment in a different way to feel our spine.

Because fawning especially lives in the dorsal vagal system,

That freeze,

Collapse.

And so often our posture is really withdrawn.

It is curled.

We're trying to be invisible.

So play with feeling the spine in your body and letting your spine get strong and tall.

And even if you're in pain and lying down doing this practice,

You can move a bit if possible,

Feeling your long,

Solid spine that can hold you up.

It can make you feel bigger.

It's kind of like when a bird puffs off its feathers on the back and it gets really big and it sends a signal,

I am a force.

I am a presence.

I am here.

And so notice what happens in your body as you play with feeling your spine,

Maybe arching and curling.

As you do this,

Work with your shoulders and head,

Because oftentimes we turtle,

We tuck our head in and our shoulders come up for protection.

What happens if we unfurl ourself and become tall and present?

What does that feel like in your body?

This helps give us a sense of body boundaries and strength.

If you're challenged with setting boundaries,

Notice your posture first.

Are you trying to set a boundary when you're kind of collapsed?

Or are you in a stronger,

More upright state?

Notice your stance and position.

You can also squeeze your arms and shoulders.

You can even tap if you like that kind of pressure.

Arms and legs are how we mobilize in the world.

And often when we fawn or appease,

We lose the sense of our limbs.

We lose our connection with arms and legs.

And just rest for a moment.

And notice what's happening inside of you.

Do you feel a little more energy?

Do you feel a little bit more mobilization?

Do you feel more in your body?

And our last part of the practice,

If you want to do it,

It's certainly optional.

See if you can identify a really simple situation in your life where you would like to express your feelings or opinions more.

And keep this simple,

Like friends or partner asks you,

Where would you like to go to dinner?

Instead of saying,

Oh,

I'll go where you go.

See if you can imagine with the empowerment of your spine saying,

I would like Thai food tonight.

Or,

I need takeout and bringing it home because I had a very busy day and I would like some quiet instead of being in a restaurant.

Bring up a simple situation.

What movie would you like to see?

Do you want to go for a walk,

Right?

To what is it that you would want to express,

A need,

A want,

A wish?

Or opinion?

And imagine stating this from your empowerment in your spine,

Feeling your arms and legs.

This is my strength now.

I can grow into my empowerment to have my own boundaries,

My own wishes,

My own needs and opinions.

And it might feel a little awkward.

That's really normal.

But to imagine stating your preference successfully,

It actually will improve the quality of your friend relationships because they want to know what you feel and they don't want just someone that's complying all the time.

The more you practice this,

The stronger you'll become with this.

The more you notice and name when you have done some appeasement or fawning,

Even if it's days later,

That's great.

That's such a good step.

And yes,

You can embody this intention to be more proactive in prayer,

In visualization.

Start with safe people and you can even let them know,

This is what I'm wanting to do.

And as we close,

See if you can offer some really deep compassion.

For your younger self who may have had to fawn or appease to stay alive.

There wasn't an alternative then,

But now you have more choice.

Close with a poem.

This is entitled,

How Healing Comes.

By Rosemary Watola Trommer.

Healing comes less like a falcon with mighty wings and more like an earthworm that slowly,

Slowly moves beneath it all.

Tightening up,

Then stretching out.

Tightening up and stretching out.

A simple two-part rhythm.

Some days that is all the body can do.

Contract,

Expand,

Contract,

Expand.

In the meantime,

Through this artless act,

What is dense becomes porous.

In the meantime,

What is stuck and clotted gets moved around.

What is dead passes through,

Is processed by the grit inside.

There are tunnels now in the soil of me.

Thin channels of recovery.

A blessed loosening.

A gradual renewal.

It's unhurried,

But I feel it.

The air,

The rain,

The life coming in.

Thank you all for your practice.