Softening Reactivity With Compassion | Talk & Practice

Life is challenging and, of course, we react. And then we add to our pain a layer of self-judgment, and things feel worse.

Listen to this talk and practice to help soften your internal dialogue and find ease amidst the stormy seas of life on Earth. In this recording of a recent Insight Live I did, I share some thoughts about the true nature, and a wonderful practice called RAIN, from Tara Brach's book, 'Radical Compassion'. You may find this suitable for some quiet, pre-bed, self-care.

Wishing you well,
Rachael

Transcript

Welcome all,

Hope you're doing good today.

So today we're going to be doing rain practice.

So if you have any kind of like sore spots I guess,

Which I guess most of us do you know most of the time,

So if there's any kind of areas of where you're feeling a bit contracted,

Feeling a bit either down or you know going through some sort of pain of some kind,

Hopefully this session will be useful to you in kind of allowing yourself to just kind of feel,

You know feel that and also meeting that experience with whatever it is you might discover that you need in that moment.

So as usual I'll say a few words before we get into our practice but it's roughly a kind of 50-50 split so I'm hoping we can do like a 20-minute meditation.

So we're exploring as I said rain which is a compassion practice and part of being compassionate is seeing the truth of us,

Of our being,

Sort of recognising our true nature and also when it's applied in relation to others it's also seeing that true nature in others as well because we all kind of have sort of coverings and layers of reactivity that we can kind of think or mistake for like the real thing,

The real us,

But our true nature is good.

So there's this term in Buddhism called basic goodness,

So you know the underneath all the layers of stuff that we kind of accumulate through our human journeys,

There is this underlying core of light,

Of love,

Of well-being.

So when we look at babies or young children I think we can all see it,

You know see that light,

That sense of like play,

That sense of openness,

Maybe feeling of awe,

Sort of readiness to engage with life that all children have or you know these babies,

There's this kind of light,

Light in their eyes and you know we were once babies as well so that also exists in us but as we navigate life there's you know challenges that happen and also just the nature of the sort of mechanics of the brain can result in the light that's within us starting to kind of dim finding ourselves reacting to life,

Pushing things away,

Attaching to things,

Overthinking,

Hiding,

Worrying,

You name it,

Whether it's kind of using substances to numb out because we you know ultimately we're trying to protect ourselves and we're doing like a myriad of ways or being overly defensive or you know people-pleasing,

Whatever it is our kind of mechanism obviously we have sort of universal ways of reacting to things and also things that are very personal to us depending on the you know experiences that we've had as children growing up but ultimately these ways of being are us trying to protect ourselves but they cause us pain,

They don't reflect the ultimate truth that's inside,

They don't reflect that light,

That freedom,

That play,

That sense of wonder,

That readiness,

The the desire to express that expressivity if that's a word that children possess,

That kindness that also children do possess of our true self when we're not kind of living that on a day-to-day basis,

It has a toll you know on us and impacts our energy and we might find ourselves feeling like we're almost stuck in a box because we're not being or experiencing life or experiencing ourselves as we would like to,

As we know to be you know deep down even if we might be kind of distracted by things,

Deep down there's a knowing that that exists,

We become then as we sort of forget this light we then also simultaneously become identified with our reactions and then we also find ourselves reacting to the reactions in this kind of cycle so we end up kind of layering layer upon layer of kind of coverings that take us away from that experience that we once knew when maybe when we were you know toddlers or whatever it was.

So in her book actually she's got a story about a clay statue of the Buddha and to cut a long story short there there's a statue of the Buddha covered in clay and the people at the time didn't know that it's a very old statue and they didn't know that it was covered in clay,

It was only when there was this war going on and they moved the,

I don't know how they moved it but they moved the Buddha and they covered it or something and then there was rain that started to pour and they started to see that actually there was gold underneath the the statue,

Underneath this kind of clay covering and centuries before or something,

I'm completely fudging up this story but centuries before yeah it was the people that were experiencing this war,

They had actually covered the gold statue because they didn't want the people who were kind of coming into the region to steal this precious statue so they covered it in clay and so she likens this to us,

Our kind of habitual ways of reacting to things that are kind of covering over the gold that is there,

That is within us.

So how then do we start to kind of work with or work toward releasing our identification with those coverings,

That clay covering and start to kind of soften into what is true,

So softening into that gold that's underneath those habitual ways of reacting.

One,

Mindfulness,

Unsurprisingly,

And two,

Compassion.

So acknowledging with that mindfulness that we are in this moment of reaction,

Noticing what a reaction feels like,

Noticing when we're in one because often we might find ourselves just sort of automatically reacting to things in a way that just feels like there's not even any choice in how to respond or react,

It just happens,

We just react that way and it almost feels like there's fact behind that reaction rather than actually there's a bunch of like interpretations and misunderstandings and habits that were wired in to protect you that aren't necessarily appropriate to the specific situation.

So first becoming aware of those reactions that kind of allows us to,

That opens the door for us then to start working toward recognising that they're not us and as we do that,

As we acknowledge that,

The key that is part of mindfulness is the acceptance of those reactions because it's very easy to start kind of adding on judgment of those things,

Like why am I not a nicer person or why am I more confident or why am I,

You know,

Being so defensive in this moment so in the acknowledgement we must weave in that sense of like sort of neutrally observing and allowing it to be what it is and then just dropping into the body can be really helpful so kind of getting out of the head because it's the head where all these kind of ideas and thoughts and beliefs and reactions live and so if we drop our attention from the head into the body that kind of creates this pause where again then we can start to choose our reaction and just bringing our attention to what is here right now with a sort of observer eye rather than the kind of me that's caught up in the drama and being kind to yourself lastly so it's not enough to just,

When we're dealing with like our old habitual reactions and we're trying to kind of create new ones or start to release them or release our identification with them,

It's important to not just kind of look with this sort of neutrality alone but recognising that there is this,

The reason why we are acting in a certain way is because of fear ultimately that's kind of at the root of it and so that knowing that justifies then us being or bringing a sense of kindness to the awareness of the reaction so how Tara breaks it down is RAIN so it's an acronym so R is recognise,

A is allow I is investigate and N is nurture and then she also adds in like a bit at the end where you,

What she calls after the rain which is quite nice,

Which is just kind of seeing what has shifted so after you're doing this practice of bringing your,

That sort of kind awareness to what you're experiencing then just seeing,

Enquiring okay what has shifted in how I view myself or how I view the situation as a result of this kind awareness that I've kind of fostered in this moment so before we do the practice I've got a few questions for you that you can just kind of mull over so number one question is what reactions or coverings have you been identified with lately so what are those those ways of thinking or being or acting or feeling to certain triggers,

Certain situations that maybe doesn't feel good that you have maybe considered or that you've assumed are just you,

Are just the way you are another question on top of that is just how then have you been reacting to those reactions so if you sort of identify with a certain way of being that maybe doesn't feel good what is your reaction to yourself in that assumption that oh you're doing this thing again that you always do just because that's the way you are you're just this type of person what is that relationship like is there maybe some self-judgment or maybe a kind of wanting to just sort of bury your head in the sand and just not even engage and then number three is so remembering that the reactions aren't us and that actually there's this thing called basic goodness and there is gold inside there is light inside something that can help us to connect to this idea is bringing to mind an image of a child of sorry of ourselves as a child and and just saying like what is when I think about this child who is me what is the truth of of this being what is the light what is the gold of this being that is actually me that maybe I forget sometimes connecting with that inner child that innocent pure being who maybe is just afraid and then lastly just kind of bringing in other people into this exploration because what is true for for us is also true for for others so is there maybe someone in your life at the moment where maybe you're both seeing each other's covering or maybe one of you is more kind of seeing the coverings but it's probably both in most situations because you know that's what we're seeing that's what that's what's visible a lot of the time is the covering is those habitual kind of protective mechanisms and ways of being that aren't you know that are based in fear rather than the the light and the love and the the wonder that or the that inner child and that's what we're seeing and then just inquiring like when I consider this that actually like me that they are they do have these coverings and like me there is this this gold this light underneath that um when I consider this what do I already know to be true of of them in regards to the light all right well we are 23 minutes past which I think is more or less the time of the moon thing coming up um anyway let's begin our practice so posture so for this one I'd invite you to do whatever is most comfortable so if you want to whatever is most comfortable so if you want to sit in a um upright position that kind of typical meditation posture then then do so um equally if you want to lie down that's fine too and with the eyes again just kind of go with what feels good sometimes because this does involve a little bit of visualization depending on kind of where your mind goes and so you can keep your eyes closed for this if you like and just to kind of note like making sure that we're taking care of ourselves so with this um we're going to bring to mind something that's difficult something that's challenging something that's maybe creating pain right now and the advice is just to avoid uh maybe kind of bringing up something that's kind of deeply traumatic that might kind of um you know trigger a reaction that you don't think it has to kind of uh sort of respond to and deal with maybe that makes you not feel safe so um yeah choosing something that's kind of moderate something in the middle to work with and also if at any point you feel like it's difficult what you know you're not sure what to do or anything like that um just just resting just resting in in the present moment um resting in the spaciousness of of what we're doing and not kind of getting too analytical or um you know we're not trying to effort here we're trying to to soften and and just allow and and observe with kindness so even if that means like you're distracted and you're you're not you're not really sure that you're doing it right quote unquote and just bringing that sort of compassionate awareness into whatever it is that is here right now so either sitting up straight shoulders relaxed crown of your head facing the sky or lying so wherever you are just kind of settling in to the posture remembering it's okay to close your eyes in order you can just even with a steady gaze downward so just starting to release anything that has happened before this moment that has happened before this moment just allowing your mind to rest in for now also releasing any tension that you might have in your face your jaw your shoulders your arms your stomach just letting go of any holding any tightness just let your body and your mind be soft if it helps you can just take a few deep breaths just observing your breath and again just letting go of any tension remembering that if you get distracted at any point during this meditation or if you find any a bit difficult just returning to your breath returning to the present no judgment no pressure okay now i invite you to bring to mind something that feels challenging at the moment so maybe something somewhere that you're feeling stuck some area or situation of your life that's causing you pain a situation that's maybe minor or moderately difficult where a reaction has been triggered in you taking some moments to enter into the experience maybe visualize what's going on in your mind so making contact with the charged nature of the the challenge the difficulty is the first step maybe remembering certain words or thoughts so making contact with the charged nature of the the challenge the difficulty is the first step to healing this this challenge and as you reflect on this difficulty asking yourself what is happening inside of me right now what is happening inside of me right now what sensations what emotions so here we are recognising that a reaction is happening now starting to weave in that essence of acceptance of allowing so sending a message to your heart to your body to allow this experience so you can say to yourself i allow and if you find this step of allowing difficult see if you can allow that to allow that difficulty and noticing also what it feels like to allow this reaction this experience or this difficulty now we move into the investigate stage of the practice so bringing a kind curious attention to your experience so i'll give you a few questions that you can choose you can choose from to ask yourself and as we do this i just encourage you to resist the urge to become overly analytical so i'm not engaging the the mind so much as the body so sensing into the answers instead so where are the feelings showing up in my body so when i think of this challenge this pain where is it showing up and what does it feel like what is the most difficult thing that i am believing what is the most painful or difficult thing that i am believing in relation to this and there's one feeling similar to anything else that i've experienced in my life before remembering to stay with the body rather than the mind so feeling into the answers and if the most vulnerable part of me could communicate to me right now what would it express and how does this part of me want me to be with it and what does this part of me need either from me or a higher source of love and wisdom what does this part of me need moving now into the nurture phase of this practice as you sensed what you needed or sensed the vulnerability of that part of you what is your natural loving response it could be a loving message your tender embrace might be a hand on heart even a hug or maybe you visualize your younger self surrounded by a loving light or maybe being held by someone that you trust it's okay to experiment so giving yourself love and also fully letting it in fully receiving it and again if any of this feels difficult just allowing whatever your experience is whatever your experience is you might like to imagine that you're breathing in a light this light of your own compassion you're breathing it in into yourself into your heart into your body seeing it light up every single cell of your body and you might experience it as the rain an actual rain raining down dissolving any harshness so taking it in moving now into the after the rain stage so letting go now into the compassionate space that's emerged resting in awareness in your true home and as you rest in this openness this wakefulness this tenderness just inquiring asking of yourself in this moment what is the sense of my being of who i am in this moment what is the sense of my being of who i am and what has shifted since the beginning of the practice and lastly what new intentions would i like to set so slowly opening your eyes if they are closed stretching if you need to moving in any way your body would like to be moved and just noticing how you feel and yeah if anyone would like to share what they kind of noticed in terms of like what it was like to to allow the reaction to investigate it in relation to their body or um in relation to kind of what were the the beliefs the stories attached to the the reaction in terms of the the invitation or the sort of inquiring after the needs the nurture and what that child or that vulnerable part of you needed i missed the sense of unconditional love strength and security i felt as a child good to to be aware of that and yeah with that awareness we can start to weave in a a way of being with ourselves that we get to kind of give that to ourselves which we can do in in many different ways just those kind of like little gestures of touch that send those signals of safety and care and love just like putting notes around or sometimes if i have to remind myself to do something i'll send myself an email and i'll i'll put like a little note in there and i'll just kind of send myself an email and i'll i'll put like i don't know i'd write it in the way that maybe my mom would or something would have um you know just kind of like in a very sweet way rather than just like oh pay the xyz bill what else and importantly just accepting the mistakes and accepting the imperfections like they're just like a part of being human they're not something that we have to you know that they don't need to be this block to the the love to the the respect to the acceptance just exploring just seeing what feels good so remembering um you know as we move forward into the next like a few hours or days or years whatever just recognizing when those reactions are being active in our are activated in our experiences remembering that this reaction is a reaction it's something that was formed a while ago or um regardless it was it's formed in with the aim of protecting you and but it is not you it's a covering and remembering that gold that light of who you are so if it helps to visualize a picture an image of yourself as a child or you know some people actually carry a photo of themselves or putting them on on their mirror to to remind themselves like oh that's me there's this lovely innocent being you know full of of hope good intentions that is me um and and holding yourself with kindness even even if you feel like you're not doing things right and doing the same for others as well so when we're noticing people reacting to things just even imagine them as as a child as a five-year-old you know and and questioning what is the gold what is the light of this being that i know to be true you know if i if i believe that this light exists in all of us and then lastly just remembering the acronym of RAIN so i've found it really helpful because it's very easy to remember um and you know the beauty is you can literally do it in any moment so it doesn't have to be this long meditation you can do it go through it in your mind like ah recognize recognize this as a reaction a allow i investigate you know what or does this feel like where is it in my body uh what are the beliefs that are attached to it um and then n nurture what do i need and how can i give that to myself now you can literally just run through it in your head you know if you've got a meeting or something stressful going on you can do it in one minute you know and that is just starting to turn down the the dial of those reactions and it creates this pause where you get to then you know there's going to be this after the rain moment even if you've only done it for a few seconds where you can then make a conscious choice of how you're gonna respond so it's it's kind of twofold one is like you are giving yourself that kind of sos like care that you need and then you're also um breaking the chain of like reactivity by having that space to then decide like okay what do i want to do moving forward thank you so much for being here i hope this has been of value take care of yourself and hopefully i'll see you soon

Reviews

Thank you. Wonderful and I found this so powerful and will return again. I feel lighter and feel I have a deeper knowing of how to respond when the old patterns arise.