Hi there,
My name is Cheryl B.
Engelhardt.
I'm a composer and career coach,
And I have been working from home for over a decade.
My husband,
On the other hand,
Is a mountain guide away from home for about half the year.
Being in quarantine together has us spending more time together,
Struggling for space both literally and energetically,
And forcing us to let go of what we normally love to control.
It is certainly a new experience for us and our dogs.
We finally found some ways to be less reactive and more proactive in creating a habitat of peace.
I've created this meditation practice outlining these steps.
You can listen alone or with your spouse,
Roommate,
Partner,
Or with whomever you are sharing a space during this time together to garner more peace,
Understanding,
And harmony in the space you are sharing.
There are many studies that show meditation improves relationships.
At Stanford University's Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education,
A team found that meditation can increase one's self-regulation of emotions.
In tense-filled living situations,
When emotions run high,
The source of upset and unhappiness comes from reacting rather than processing emotions.
This meditation will provide tools that will allow you to begin this practice of regulation,
Opening up a world or apartment of new connection,
Love,
Exploration,
And genuine curiosity about each other.
For the sake of this session,
I'm going to call the person with whom you are quarantined your partner.
Let's get started.
Settle into a comfortable position.
Let's take a breath together in through the nose,
Thinking all is well,
And breathe out through the mouth all as well.
One more time,
Breathing in and breathing out all as well.
The first thing we want to remember is that we are not alone.
Perhaps this is quite obvious when quarantined with another human,
But think of this not literally,
But rather not being alone globally in our feelings,
Frustrations,
Fears,
Stressors,
And the possible rollercoaster of emotions.
That we are in this together as a global community.
There is a good chance our partner is feeling their own slew of emotions as well as the rest of the world.
Breathe in and breathe out the word together.
Breathe it back in and then back out,
Thinking together.
This leads to the second thing we want to note.
Our partner is having a different experience than us.
Different emotions,
Different reactions to being isolated,
Different desires for connection,
Different kinds of motivation,
Different levels of exhaustion or worry than us.
What we can do here is simply acknowledge our differences,
As small or as big as they may be.
Breathe in and breathe out the phrase,
We embrace the differences.
Breathe it back in and out once again.
Third,
Let's look at all the ways we can give our partner the benefit of the doubt.
In short,
Let's assume they are doing the best they can.
We hope that they think this of us because it's true.
We are all doing the best we can in this moment.
Breathe in and breathe out.
We are doing our best.
Breathe in,
I am doing my best and breathe out,
My partner is doing their best.
The fourth thing to consider is that sometimes we don't know what we need in any given moment and that's okay.
That feeling of being lost and not knowing what's next can be disorienting.
But when we find ourselves flailing,
We tend to look to our partners for advice,
Comfort or help.
If they are dealing with their own energy and stressors,
It's possible that they aren't available or able to give it to us.
This can lead to blame,
Upsets and fights.
One way to put a wedge in this pattern is to simply catch yourself and say something like I feel lost and that's okay.
You can be the person who sees you and your emotions.
Breathe in and breathe out.
Where I am is perfect.
Breathe it in again and breathe out again.
Next,
The thing to think about is how we are each spending our time.
It's easy to judge someone for what they produce or how motivated or ambitious they seem.
This goes back to the second point,
Which is that everyone's experience is different and there are a lot of ways to accomplish different goals.
We can respect each other's time and choices in how we spend it.
We may also need to consider that it is time to redistribute and rebalance what we've normally taken on,
Particularly around housework.
My husband realizes that I'm able to generate income online while his business has fully stopped.
We made a list of all of the home responsibility and he's put 90% of them into his weekly calendar.
It's been a huge shift for our dynamic,
But one that has provided me with freedom and security as well as that much needed balance.
Breathe in and breathe out the words respect and rebalance.
Breathe in respect and rebalance and breathe it out into the world.
Finally,
Let's remember how and why we chose this person in the first place.
There was something that brought us together.
Was it love,
Attraction,
Laughing together,
Work?
Okay,
Maybe it was Craigslist,
But it's still worth remembering.
Whip out the photo book and walk down memory lane.
Breathe in and breathe out the word love.
Breathe in love and breathe it out into the world.
Let's now focus on some actions we can take and conversations we can have both with ourselves and our partners to ease the stress of our quarantine time together.
Anytime you have an opportunity to repeat what they just said,
Take it.
This is gold.
Hear your partner and let them know that you've heard them by restating what they said or asking a clarifying question like,
What I hear you saying is X.
Is that what you meant?
Additionally,
Speak from your feelings rather than from your fears.
What this looks like is saying,
When this happened,
I felt X instead of you're not doing enough Z.
Using sentences with I and we rather than you,
Which tends to end up sounding blaming or finger pointing will bring peace into your space.
See if you can keep your complaints and requests to a minimum.
I'm a fan of ask free days.
In your physical space,
Claim your own personal area to be in at times throughout the day,
Even if this is just your own yoga mat or inside the refrigerator.
Additionally,
Carve out space for yourselves throughout the day in time.
Create specific time to be together,
Perhaps meals,
And then specific time to be a part and work on your own projects,
Whether actual work,
Reading,
Napping,
Or whatever.
This will help your sense of autonomy and take pressure away from having to interact 100% of the day.
This is connected to creating structure,
Whether a morning routine,
A daily schedule or a focus word for each day of the week.
For example,
Mondays are clean,
Tuesdays are create,
Wednesdays are for connecting,
Et cetera.
Figure out what works for both of you and communicate with each other how you're going to move through the rest of your time together.
Set some time aside each day to check in with each other.
Get vulnerable,
Meaning share your feelings without the worry of being judged.
If you want some structure,
Set a timer for two minutes each with one minute in between for you to repeat back the main things you heard your partner say.
A few other practices my husband and I have implemented to make our time together intentional and fulfilling is to take walks together when possible.
Implement cuddle time.
Don't disappear into our phones.
We share the silly memes and gifts that we found.
Doing one thing a day that the other wasn't expecting,
Like cleaning dishes that weren't mine or calling their mom.
Taking a breath and counting to five when I feel tension rising.
Letting go of the need to control just letting it go.
Meditate together.
Bake together.
Doing online yoga or Tai Chi class together.
Go on double dates on Zoom with our favorite friends.
Make eye contact at least five times a day.
I would start with just one of these practices.
Come back and listen to this anytime you need and then pick another practice to implement each time.
Thank you so much for taking this time with me today.
For more meditations,
Music for mindfulness and other resources,
Please visit IAmIlluminary.
Com.
Have a beautiful,
Harmonious rest of your day.
