Loss On The Path

There are many situations where the feeling of loss can arise in our life. The good news is that the Dharma not only prepares us for loss but shows us how we can use it as a tool for sustained happiness and growth. The talk also includes a meditation.

Transcript

Welcome,

This talk was recorded at Insight LA in Long Beach.

Thank you for listening.

For more information,

Please visit us at InsightLA.

Org.

Welcome again to Sunday Sit Long Beach,

Insight LA Long Beach.

We are going to chat today about loss.

How many people knew that today's talk was on loss and came anyway?

Amazing.

That's the Dharma right there,

Right in the face.

It is saying that a loss shared is halved.

A loss kept is doubled.

A loss shared is halved.

A loss kept is doubled.

So it's an obvious answer,

But how many of us have suffered loss?

So just in that small way,

It's already shared.

Like we could feel that this is universal,

That we all feel this way.

Well,

We all suffer loss and then feel the effects of that loss.

I think I'll start with a poem from the master Hafiz.

How many of you love Hafiz?

Everybody loves Hafiz,

Right?

This one's called Looking for Good Fish.

Why complain about life if you're looking for good fish and have followed some idiot into the middle of the copper market?

Why go crazy if you're looking for fine silk and you keep rubbing your hands against the burlap and hip sox?

If your heart really needs to touch a face that is filled with abundance,

Then why didn't you come to this old man sooner?

For my cheek is the universe's cloister,

And if you can make your prayer sweet enough tonight,

Then Hafiz will lean over and offer you all the warmth in my body in case God is busy doing something else somewhere.

Why complain if you are looking to quench your spirit's longing and have followed a rat into the desert?

If your soul really needs to touch a face that is always filled with compassion and tenderness,

Then why?

Why my dear,

Did you not come to your friend Hafiz sooner?

So I wanted to read that because it's like this with us,

That we are looking for this bliss and happiness and contentment.

But where are we looking?

And where is society telling us to look?

So much of it is in the realm of permanence.

We want permanence so bad.

How long do you want to be loved?

Forever.

Forever.

Forever.

That's right.

That's exactly right.

How long?

Forever.

How many of you have told somebody that you will love them forever and you don't even talk to them anymore?

Let alone,

Or on the opposite side of that?

Yeah?

You don't even know where they are.

You're still loving them somehow.

Love is forever.

If you buy something,

You buy a home,

You want it to last how long?

Forever,

Please.

Or until the fires come,

Is in the case.

So your finances,

How long do you want your finances to last?

You want enough money to last how long?

Until I die,

Which is forever,

In our own way.

How long do you want to be beautiful?

Someday.

I was going to say,

I'll just be with you today.

A moment would be nice.

Thank you for calling us beautiful now.

Exactly.

If you did feel beautiful,

You want to feel it?

Forever.

So we're conditioned this way.

We're conditioned.

Permanence is good.

If things are somehow,

If they're good,

We want them to be good for a long period of time.

This is just how we're conditioned.

We want things to last.

Want our youth to last,

Our health to last,

Our finances to last,

Our partnerships to last.

Right?

This is just part of our own conditioning,

Your societal conditioning.

So there's that part of the conditioning,

But what is real?

How long do those things last?

Not forever.

So yet we don't want to say to people,

I'll love you,

I don't know.

I'll love you for a little while.

I'll love you till I don't.

But the other side of this,

I was actually,

I was just being there for a friend of mine who is,

He was Christian,

Really beautiful being,

Really,

Really beautiful being,

But going through a hard time.

And he was,

Not coming in,

Really beautiful being.

And he was talking about heaven and what he believed heaven would be like.

And he was talking about how everything is joyful all the time.

People are beautiful all the time.

There's no lack of anything.

Everything's in abundance.

Nothing but joy exists.

And as he kept going on and on,

I felt myself clinging to some Sara.

Oddly.

Like I really want Nirvana.

But I felt myself clinging to suffering.

Because the heavens started to sound very,

Very boring.

Like,

I was like,

Wow,

I thought that's what I wanted.

But actually,

It doesn't sound fun at all.

Like there's just nothing but evenness all the time.

Like even this morning I got up and it was cold.

The house was really cold.

I turned on the heater and I walked in in front of the heater and it felt warm.

I was like,

Oh,

It feels so warm.

And I felt the cat and she was all warm.

And I thought,

Well,

Without the cold,

I would never warm up.

I would never feel that sense of warmth.

And so when he was talking about this heaven realm,

I thought,

Oh,

But how precious.

How precious is the suffering part.

Yeah.

How precious.

And so maybe we could look,

I'm going to talk about the different ways that we suffer loss.

So we could suffer loss in quite a few different ways.

And maybe if we just use our mindful awareness to tune in and notice the ways in which we suffer loss,

That we could normalize it.

And then the next step,

Of course,

Is to really feel the beauty of it,

To really feel into the beauty of loss.

Obviously,

When we think of loss,

We can lose relationships.

Yeah,

A relationship loss.

When I said how many of you lost,

Maybe that's what you thought of.

It just depends on us,

Right?

But loss of relationship.

Another way that we can feel a sense of loss is roles.

Roles in our life.

What are some roles that we could lose?

Parent.

Job.

Parent.

Job.

Job.

Friend.

Friend.

What's that?

Yeah,

Yeah.

Our persona.

Yeah,

Persona.

Which ties into another one.

Childhood.

Yeah,

Childhood.

Kind of being a child,

Being a teenager.

So roles.

So this is quite a big one.

Like if especially depending on this kind of goes into another one,

Which is image,

But the self-image.

But a role when you really connect with a role,

An athlete,

For example,

Is a great example.

Sometimes an athlete,

That's all they kind of self-identify with.

So when that role is taken away.

Yeah,

Parents,

A big one,

If that's ever taken away.

It's big.

Yeah.

And again,

If we could fill into each one of these and normalize and see not just the big loss,

But the small loss.

And you could even see it in the mirror.

Like a sense of loss of what you used to self-identify with.

So role is one of them.

Another one is function.

Function.

So this is if you suffer a disability of some kind.

And it could be a disability to you.

So something that you used to be able to do that you cannot do any longer.

So we suffer loss in this way.

So this could be something physical.

It could also be situational maybe.

Like the infrastructure of your life no longer supports it.

Or something within yourself that you're in this inability to function anymore in this way.

How many of you ever suffered something like that?

A loss in this way?

Yeah.

So function.

So another one is material.

A material loss.

And what's quite interesting is that sometimes people feel this in different ways.

I think it's important to be mindful when we're empathically trying to connect with others is that when we look at these,

We might have a very strong tie to one of these.

And somebody else might have another strong tie to something else.

A teacher of mine was talking about how she was in a situation where she was a nurse and another nurse had come from a really poor country.

And so when somebody would come in and talk about material loss,

He would be able to connect very strongly to material loss because the material aspect was very important to him.

Yet when the loss of function,

When he came upon the loss of function,

He didn't connect as easily to loss of function.

So when we're looking and being supportive to others when they're going through loss,

It might be important to look at ourselves and like my version of loss might be different than somebody else's version of loss.

The fourth one is image.

So this one,

A lot of them all tie into image but the actual are self-image.

And the last one is this relationship which we started with like relationships.

What's interesting with image,

Image is the one thing that we have control over.

So all the other impermanences,

I've talked about roles,

Function,

Material,

Relationships,

All of those,

Life does that for us.

Here you go.

You don't have this anymore.

Yeah?

But our own self-identification,

Our own image,

This is the one thing that we have control over.

It's self-imposed and it could be,

You could check in with yourself,

It could be the most hurtful,

Like the most consistent if you will.

Because all those things tie into it,

Like if we have a loss of a loved one,

There's an image attached to that as well when you have a disability.

There's an image attached to that,

A loss of function,

Image attached to that.

So in many ways,

This points to how are we dealing with loss.

Are we dealing with loss in a way that is supporting our growth?

Or is it,

Is loss,

Feels like something is getting taken away or is it something being added on to us?

So this is where we get to the benefit is basically,

Is loss contributing to our actual experience of wisdom and compassion?

Because this is what we're looking for,

Wisdom and compassion on the path.

Is loss contributing to wisdom and compassion?

Yes.

Yes,

If we are looking at it,

If we're allowing it to teach us,

Then absolutely it is.

It can be contributing to that.

I mean obviously the beautiful wisdom of impermanence.

So these small losses,

Sometimes small,

Sometimes big,

But if we look at them in this moment to moment,

Day by day,

Month by month,

If we look very keenly,

Like look at this loss that I'm experiencing,

It's just like mindfulness,

Like when we're in meditation,

You could let go in meditation,

You're practicing non grasping mind of thoughts.

So you're in meditation,

A thought comes by,

You say no thank you,

You come back to the object.

So let's say a thought comes by,

I have to get bananas at Trader Joe's.

How do you get rid of that thought?

Just notice it,

It's no big deal.

How much does that thought weigh,

I have to get bananas at Trader Joe's?

Nothing almost,

Yeah.

So it's easy.

It depends how important bananas are to you.

Banana attachments.

There's a good story about that.

So anyway,

So you come back,

It's easy,

Non grasping mind,

It's easy.

But you're practicing on,

I have to get bananas at Trader Joe's,

You're practicing non grasping mind because when a heavier thought comes,

Yes,

That will snuff out the flame of your awareness because Anthony said just by noticing that it'll go away.

You have the magic of mindfulness,

Whatever we look at disappears.

When our awareness is strong enough,

When the flame of our awareness is strong enough,

Whatever we look at disappears.

If it's not strong enough,

The flame of our awareness,

When it's not strong enough,

A heavy thought comes and snuffs out our flame of awareness and we actually jump into it.

So we're practicing on the small thoughts.

This is why the best time to practice is when you're not in crisis,

When the thoughts aren't really,

Really strong.

So practicing non grasping,

Non grasping.

Same thing with loss.

If we could be mindful of these ways,

Because this happened every day,

Loss happens every day.

Loss is happening every moment because you keep moving.

You see everyone keeps moving along.

We can't sit still.

The loss of a pain free body is about every 10 minutes.

You lose that.

You cannot sit still.

Even stillness you can't even do because of samsara.

You can't even do that.

You just have to move just a little bit all the time.

So we lose that.

One teacher says,

I'll show you,

You want to learn about impermanence?

Watch your skin.

It gets dry.

You need lotion.

He says that.

Look at impermanence.

If it wasn't for impermanence,

Why would you need lotion?

That's why.

So we look at these small things shifting and changing and the small losses.

And if we could practice that,

If we notice,

Oh yeah,

There's one,

There's one.

And just work with it.

Like Pimma Trojan says,

I'm 82.

She says,

How much time do I have left?

It was her birthday.

She gave a little talk.

She's like,

I'm 82 years old.

How much time do I have left?

But she says,

I don't fear.

I don't fear it because when I was really young,

I went to a Dharma talk and they gave a Dharma talk on death and impermanence.

She says,

I was petrified.

I was so scared.

I couldn't believe that they were talking about that.

And she says,

Because of the fear that I felt in that talk,

I was able to look at it directly for long enough that now I'm not scared at all because I was able to look at it.

So when we're able to look at loss time and time again,

Small loss,

Time and time again,

We become comfortable with the nature of it.

We become comfortable with the wisdom of it,

The wisdom of this is how it is.

And instead of standing in the river,

Pushing against the current of the river of existence,

We could turn around,

Lift up our legs,

And we move with the current.

And of course,

Moving with the current,

There's no opposition at all.

It's moving right with it.

So I want to see how we're doing on time.

So I want to be able to get into some smaller groups,

And maybe let's brainstorm on all the goodness that you have.

You have.

.

.

Oh,

Paula,

What are we going to do with you?

Just trying to keep it positive.

The growth that we've been able to harvest from our experiences of loss in any of these.

So again,

Roles,

Function,

Material,

Image,

And relationships.

So just allowing your eyes to close,

They're not closed already.

And as I say the words,

You can either repeat them silently to yourself,

Or you could just let them land and reverberate into your beingness,

Non-conceptionally.

No need to chew on them actually,

Just let them land.

Maybe just calming yourself for a moment,

Letting the mind and the body settle,

The momentum of the talk,

Just allowing that settle for a moment.

I am the nature to grow old.

There's no way to escape growing old.

I am the nature to grow old.

There's no way to escape growing old.

I am of the nature to have ill health.

There's no way to escape ill health.

I am the nature to have ill health.

There's no way to escape ill health.

I am of the nature to die.

There's no way to escape death.

I am the nature to die.

There's no way to escape death.

All that is dear to me and everyone I love are the nature to change.

There's no way to escape being separated from them.

All that is dear to me and everyone I love are the nature to change.

There's no way to escape being separated from them.

My actions are my only true belongings.

I cannot escape the consequences of my actions.

My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

My actions are my only true belongings.

I cannot escape the consequences of my actions.

My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

I cannot escape the consequences of my actions.

Thank you all so much for coming and holding one another to be able to hold one another as we suffer together.

We cannot do this alone.

None of this.

But to also come together and to hear each other suffering,

To know that we're not alone in a very tangible way.

This is a common part of humanity.

We all suffer.

We all suffer loss.

Yeah.

You have just listened to a recording from Insight LA in Long Beach.

For more information,

Please visit us at insightla.

Org.

Reviews

Surprised with humor namaste

Beautiful. Thank you 😊

I cannot escape the consequences on my actions. So simple. So powerful. So true.

Oh my gosh this is such a moving, strong practice. Prepare to love loss & change 🙏🙏🙏❤❤❤🥰

Cayce, what a beautiful talk about loss - something I really needed to hear today. Thank you so much. ❤️🙏❤️🙏

So love the humor in this it was so unexpected and needed thank you

Thoughtful and thought provoking. Loss is wisdom. Impermanence.

I wish I could give this six stars. It is easily my favorite talk on Insight Timer.

Excellent, thank you.

Practice w the small, "weightless" stuff all the time. Then we can experientially know that quality of being and non-attachment when the bigger, "heavier" losses arrive and hold them both the same way. 🙏❤️

This had been the most meaningful thing I’ve heard since my husband was diagnosed with metastatic cancer 2 years ago. Thank you.

Words of wisdom and comfort. Thank you for sharing this with us.
🙏🏼🌺💖🌸🦋🐾💔

Really meaningful

Excellent talk! Thank you. 🙏🏻🌞

Perfect. I so needed to hear this today, would have loved a longer meditation on loss but the talk has helped so much. Namaste