Tender Revolution Ep. 2.5: Healing Hyperindividualism

In this episode, Catherine shares how we make the shift internally from toxic hyperindividualism to healthy interdependence. In order to create sustainable and lasting change in our outer world, we must first seed it within ourselves. With this in mind, Catherine guides two gentle practices to help you soften toward your own needs and be open to receiving loving support from others, paving the way for true interdependence.

Transcript

Welcome to The Tender Revolution.

I'm Katherine Liggett.

Hi,

Everyone.

It's been a while since I've recorded a podcast.

I've been in the midst of many personal and professional evolutions,

As I'm sure most of you listeners have as well.

And among these reckonings has been my realization that throughout most of my work,

I've really been seeing the tree for the forest.

I've been hyper focused on the individual and not seeing the ecosystem,

Not seeing the forest for the trees.

I've been focusing on individual wholeness and healing at the expense of seeing the bigger picture,

Which as I listen to more and more voices who are black queer,

Especially queer,

Black feminism,

Especially the podcast called Finding Our Way by Prentice Hemphill,

I find myself majorly shifting how I view healing in a way that's been so eye opening.

And I am so great grateful for these teachers for Prentice and all of their guests.

And the other indigenous and black and other marginalized voices I've been listening to for teaching me the bigger picture.

Because the truth is that I like many of you have grown up in this Western culture,

Have been fascinated by healing and psychology,

And the cultural inheritances of that which are just to focus on ourselves and to see what we call mental illness as just that as being somehow isolated in my own body,

In my brain,

Even just even a single organ.

And I remember going to counseling school,

You know,

Like I did for six months at this nominally holistic program here in the Seattle area,

And just being really disappointed by the fact that and this was just a few years ago,

But by the fact that,

You know,

This is still being taught that mental health is mental.

Whereas I even knew back then I had this,

This lingering suspicion that what we call mental health is so much bigger than our own measly little bodies and especially our brains and that mental health or what we call the misnomer of mental health is actually systemic,

It's embodied.

It is relational.

And it is ancestral.

So I had that,

That imprint of knowing in me even a few years ago,

But then listening to these voices,

Who I have lately has just really brought this to bloom and flower and I see,

I see where I've gone wrong.

I see.

And I'm not blaming myself.

And I don't blame any of you for focusing on the individual because that's,

That's the only thing that we're fed if we grow up in this culture,

And especially if we're in a white body.

And so we have this notion of healing that is hyper individualistic,

Right,

But that stems from this larger culture that we recognize as also hyper individualistic.

And I see at least,

You know,

In my little social media bubble,

And in my community of friends and acquaintances,

I see that many of us are waking up right now,

To the fact that there is no such thing as personal healing,

Separate from collective healing,

Kind of like how we know now that the personal is the political,

And vice versa,

Right?

We've lived under this illusion that we can somehow put them in different boxes,

But that's just not the case.

And I imagine I have this vision that in the future,

This is only going to be more and more obvious to more people that we have to rise together as a collective and focusing on my journey,

You know,

My own path to wholeness,

Independent of yours,

Is extremely limited in scope as if someone were to go in the forest and stand in front of a single Douglas fir tree,

And stare at the bark and analyze all of the intricacies of the patterns that that bark makes.

And don't get me wrong,

That is fascinating stuff.

And it also isn't seeing that the health of that tree and the way that its particular bark has formed,

Has everything to do with the ecosystem and cannot exist apart from it.

So this has this interdependence this awareness of our collective being and the importance of waking up together and that we in fact only can wake up together,

Has really taken primacy for me.

And it's,

It's had a really surprising effect for me.

And that is that doing the work of shadow work has felt less and less like work.

When I take into account that the reasons that I have the shadows that I do,

It's not just because of my personal family history and childhood trauma.

It exists in a much,

Much vaster picture.

And it resolves me and I personally have this feeling of being resolved from responsibility.

You know,

Of course,

I am responsible for myself and how I react and act in the world,

Right.

But it's like,

What I experience is not only mine to fix.

What I experience is not to be fixed and will not be healed by fixing it.

And as much as I've spoken those words,

Like as much as much as I've been anti fixing in my career,

It's been difficult for me to shake that with myself,

It's been difficult for me not to think about myself as having shadows or patterns that I'm not supposed to fix,

Like,

I want to fix this,

I want to get rid of this,

You know,

Pattern of ancestral trauma,

Etc.

But what if I were to rest in this knowing that these patterns that I can just be with them and be with the pain of the pattern,

Releasing myself into this web of belonging,

Belonging and co experiencing of these same patterns with my family with my ancestors,

With so many millions,

Maybe billions of people and beings living in this world right now with me that we all are feeling something similar to what I'm feeling right now there's this expansiveness that opens around me and I feel held,

It becomes easier.

It becomes less urgent feeling my nervous system down regulates relaxes a little bit more I am held and I also am holding others who are experiencing similar things to me and have throughout time throughout my ancestry.

And this for me,

Has been one of the blessings in my healing journey with this deep embodied realization of code of not codependence,

But codependence.

And also that a lot of us think about healing codependence by becoming more separate,

More separated.

But that's not the opposite.

Like separation is not the opposite of codependence.

Healthy interdependence is the opposite of codependence.

It is the truth that we do need each other that we have these needs for deep connection with other people that are so central to being a mammal.

And in fact,

It's evolutionarily completely maladaptive and disadvantageous to separate ourselves as mammals,

Especially as deeply group oriented mammals as we are.

And so as many of us are waking up to the reality of needing more interdependence,

I see a lot of people saying,

Well,

But what do we do?

How do we actually get solutions in place in society?

How do we end this toxic hyper individualism?

Really,

What do we do about it?

And I have to point out that even though it is so essential to come up with action,

I also really notice the stench of the patriarchy in that emphasis on doing rather than being what do we do about it,

That the only thing that would matter is what we do about it,

It seems that I hear.

Whereas I think that a very necessary precursor to any doing that has sustainability,

And depth and integrity to it,

It has to start with a being state.

We need to do and have that action guided by a state of being that has deep roots.

And the fact is,

Is that we don't have deep roots in interdependence,

We need to cultivate that within ourselves,

Before we can take truly sustainable,

Powerful,

Deep action in the direction of interdependence.

So I have a couple little practices for us today to do exactly this to get intimate with the roots of interdependence within ourselves,

And thus to tune ourselves to a pitch that is closer to interdependence that will let other people in.

Because this is something that Sibon Fusome,

Wife of Maladoma Some,

Who I have often quoted,

Sibon Fusome has said that Westerners are terrified of receiving support from other people,

Because we feel so empty and bereft inside that we,

We panic because we feel like we can't reciprocate.

So we're terrified of receiving because we feel like we don't have what it needs,

What it takes to reciprocate.

And isn't that tragic?

That we feel so stressed in our little individualistic bubbles,

Where we're all trying to be villages and single bodies,

We feel so stressed that we don't trust that we can give back and so we don't even want to receive.

In our first practice today,

I want to open you very gently to invite you to open to receiving in a way that's very inspired by one of my greatest inspirations,

Fred Rogers,

Mr.

Rogers,

As you might know him.

So Fred Rogers talked often about all the people who loved him into being who he was.

And so for this first brief practice today,

I invite you to settle into a comfortable seat for just a few minutes.

Close your eyes.

And allow this question to open images in your psyche,

Feelings,

Body sensations.

And the question is,

Who has loved you into being who you are?

What are the names and the faces that arise for you?

Knowing that this also might be animals.

This also might be the earth herself.

Who has loved you into being who you are?

This might also be ancestors.

Notice in your body how it feels to soften and open as much as you can right now to the impact of this love on your life.

And if you feel some guilt,

Some guilt perhaps for not feeling like you've reciprocated,

Just see if you can say yes to that I see you and allow it to be there alongside your experience but not be in the forefront.

It's okay to feel guilty because that's how you were conditioned in our culture to not receive because true receiving is without any strings attached,

Without any expectation for reciprocity.

And we're not used to that.

Who has loved you into being who you are?

And can you open your heart just a little bit more into the fullness of that gift of their love?

When you encounter resistance you can say yes to that too.

I see you and of course you're there.

Of course this is hard sweetheart.

I hear you.

And I am also going to keep opening my heart to this beautiful gift of love.

This person,

These people,

These beings who have loved us into being who we are would want us to receive this gift,

Wouldn't they?

It's honoring them to receive.

Taking one more deepening breath of softening,

Knowing yourself as growing and having been nourished from this love.

Come on back.

Open the eyes if they were closed and look around your space and bring all parts of yourself back now.

Taking any movement that feels right.

How was that for you?

Was it easy to identify people who've loved you into being who you are?

Was it difficult?

Maybe brought up some grief for you that that was hard to identify those people.

So what this practice can do is reveal to you how porous you really are to receiving.

And this is the precondition for interdependence.

In order to be interdependent,

We need to be porous to receiving and giving.

For many of us receiving is so much more challenging than giving.

And it's often because we got the message as children that our needs could not be met and that it was probably not okay to have needs in the first place or to be needy,

Right?

So need has been heavily stigmatized in Western culture.

And need is at the root of interdependence.

We become interdependent because we know in our bones that we need one another.

We need the warmth of each other's hearts.

We need each other to share resources,

And for so many other reasons.

So for the second brief practice for today,

We're going to be exploring your relationship to need.

And this process does involve noticing where this need or this relation to need connects to your childhood to an earlier memory in your young life.

So if that kind of regression is not something that you want to do,

Just know that you can absolutely just listen without participating or just take a break.

So if you're practicing with me now,

Again,

Get into a very comfortable seat or lie down.

And now I invite you to bring into your being your awareness,

Your body,

Your loneliness or your disconnection,

Maybe a specific memory of feeling lonely or disconnected.

Or maybe it's more of a vague and pervasive feeling in your life.

If you can't quite put your finger on it,

But something's missing.

You're not connected like you want to be.

There's a longing in you for something that you can't name perhaps.

Disconnection,

Loneliness,

Vague longing,

Just bring whatever that is into your body right now.

And notice the body sensations that are here when you feel that fully.

And in fact,

Invite that feeling to get even bigger.

Can you feel even lonelier,

For example,

Even more disconnected?

And I know this is counterintuitive,

But it really helps to clarify and loosen resistance.

Can you feel this even more amplifying it now?

And now in the space of amplified feeling,

Ask yourself this question.

What do I need right now?

What do I really need?

What's the need that's at the root of this feeling that I'm not getting?

Name that need.

Is it love,

Connection,

Friends?

Maybe there's another feeling that's coming up like anxiousness or fear or just a confusion or maybe spacing out.

Just bring whatever you're feeling right here and make it okay.

Then you can state just to yourself silently something like I need and then list your need.

I need love.

I need friends who really understand me.

How does it feel in your body to state that need?

Can you name the body sensations and emotions that are swirling around you and within you as you state that need clearly,

Even if it's confusion or unknowing?

And now using that feeling and sensation signature as a kind of bookmark,

Allow yourself now your brilliant imagination to show you the age you were when you felt this for the first time or at an early time in your life.

When did you feel this as a child?

This particular combination of body sensation and emotion associated with this need.

And feeling yourself as an adult now as the strongest,

Most loving version of yourself as the empathic witness.

See yourself or see through your eyes as a sympathetic witness.

See that child version of you somewhere on the other side of a room and simply witness them from this respectful distance.

What does their body language tell you?

Are they alone or with someone else or others?

Breathe as you acknowledge how it feels to see all of this.

And just keep looking at them with open,

Compassionate curiosity as if you're telling them I see you.

Of course you feel that way.

Opening your heart to them as you communicate this to them now I see you.

Of course you feel that way.

Noticing the melting,

The softening that you might feel when you open yourself in that way to them.

As you open yourself to this need within you.

Now ask them a question and just go with whatever they say.

If they don't have an answer,

Continue to just look at them with this loving I see you.

Of course you feel that way.

And the question is what do you really need?

And if it feels appropriate,

See,

Sense and feel your adult self meeting that need for them now in exactly the way they would want you to.

You might ask them for clarification.

For example,

If they say love and you're curious how they would want you to show love,

Just ask them how would you love for me to show you love?

You can say I love you because I'multzin.

Tuning in now to see if there's anything else that's needed in this encounter to make it feel complete for them,

For you.

And slowly,

Whenever this feels complete,

Coming on back,

Knowing that that child part of you is with you.

Coming on back,

Opening the eyes,

Looking around your space.

Coming on back as you notice now how you feel after doing that practice.

You might imagine now,

Just as a kind of gentle test,

You might imagine a situation in which somebody offered to help you and you said no.

Like I'm imagining when a neighbor offered to babysit for me for free and I said,

Oh no,

We're okay.

We don't need that.

Who has offered to help you?

And notice how your body feels in response to them.

Do you feel even the slightest bit more open to saying yes.

The slightest bit more open perhaps to being a little bit more interdependent,

Admitting that you need them.

You need help.

You need support because we all do.

A friend of mine recently told me that she realized that the opposite of trauma is actually community.

And that healing trauma means for her being porous to community giving and receiving freely and openly.

And I wonder if you can feel the texture of that after these practices today.

So much love to each and every one of you.

Came right at you on a daily level and yet without you and I realized just as an arm It matters.

Reviews

This is a wonderful eye opening talk with two really helpful practices & an invitation to heal by community! A reconsidering of all we thought about healing!

Thought provoking and grounding…loved the practices too 🙏🏻💓

Thank you for the reminder to be vulnerable and to see what I try to hide from everyone… even myself🧡

Beautiful words. We need to support the collective healing. Your guided meditation makes me cry every time. Thank you I wasn’t aware I needed this inner child guidance. ❤️

Beautiful, you explaned very well. Thank you for sharing. It’s a wise lesson to recive.

One thing about Catherine Liggett, she listens. She listens, she HEARS and she does the work. This is a captivating talk with incredibly moving meditations.🙏🏽💚💐

Spot on!!! Felt down to the very core of the heart broke wide open. Mine and the collective. ❤️👫👭👬❤️
Thank you for naming it so clearly, Catherine. 🙏