How To Reparent Yourself - Insight Timer Live

In this talk and guided shadow work practice, Catherine shares her trauma-informed approach to reparenting. Reparenting is the lifelong journey of becoming our own sources of inner nurturing and protection, cultivating self-compassion and boundaries in ways we never learned to do as children.

Transcript

So welcome everybody.

This is how to reparent yourself.

And I'd like you to just breathe into the term reparenting.

And notice what that brings up for you.

Because reparenting,

It assumes that that very term assumes that maybe you were not parented in the way that you needed to be.

And that might bring up a lot.

Hi Lindsay.

So just breathing into the term reparenting.

And without me having defined that for you yet,

Just really getting clear about what happens in your body when you feel that word reparenting.

And also keep noticing.

So those of you who know me know that I'm all about working in the heart,

In the body.

So I will be asking you throughout our time together today to keep dropping your awareness into body sensation with anything that we talk about today or feel into.

So reparenting is the gradual lifelong journey of becoming our own source of inner nurturing and protection in ways that we didn't receive growing up.

Now it's really important to know that this work of reparenting is 100% blame free.

This is not about blaming our parents for being bad.

It's just simply the reality.

And I say this as a mother myself.

It's simply the reality that we all have needs that our parents couldn't see,

Couldn't meet,

Couldn't be there for,

Couldn't acknowledge.

Because we're not parented by ourselves.

We're parented by different humans.

And it's like I can only be a mother for my daughter and meet the needs that I can perceive her having.

And that's the very sobering reality of being a conscious parent is that she is going to grow up and discover that there are needs that I didn't have the capacity or ability to see.

And she's going to have to reparent herself no matter how conscious or amazing of a parent I think I might be like we're all imperfect,

Right?

But even if I'm doing everything in my power,

There's going to be ways that she's going to have to heal from her childhood because I'm not going to be able to meet their own needs.

And now,

Like Lisa said,

She has parents that are trauma survivors.

So many of us,

Most of us,

I would say have parents who've been through a lot of trauma.

They probably don't realize it,

But they have.

And thus,

Their nervous systems,

Their capacity has certain limitations,

Right?

So,

Again,

Reparenting is blame free.

And if you're a parent listening to this like I am and worried,

Just know that,

Yes,

It's sobering to be aware that we are not able to meet all our kids' needs.

And honestly,

We're meant to be raising kids in a village.

We never evolved to be doing this in a nuclear family,

Let's be honest.

So we're not in a nuclear family,

Especially able to meet all of our kids' needs,

Right?

That's just the reality of our society today and for the last few centuries.

So just take a big deep breath of giving yourself a huge break if you're a parent and if this is stirring up anything for you or if you're struggling with the idea that you don't want to blame your parents,

Right,

For what they may or may not have been able to give you.

So just a big deep breath of a lot of grace as we begin this reparenting journey today or maybe deepen your own reparenting journey.

So the way I talk about reparenting is very much based on my own methods and personal experience and you're going to hear different models of reparenting,

You know,

So just know that this is not like the Bible of reparenting today.

This is simply the way that I understand it and maybe it will resonate with you.

So again,

The way I understand reparenting is the lifelong gradual process of becoming our own source of nurturing and protection.

And a lot of us are familiar in the spiritual world with inner nurturing,

Right,

With self-love,

With self-compassion,

With holding our own hearts as we move through our day,

With noticing when we are triggered or need something and just taking a breath and breathing in that loving compassion for ourselves.

I hope that you're familiar with that.

Maybe that's new for you and that's completely okay.

But the part that I'm really passionate about talking about is the second wing of reparenting,

Which is self-protection that is much less frequently discussed in any kind of personal growth or spiritual circle.

And the reality,

So I am a trauma-informed practitioner.

I have training and certification as a trauma-informed yoga and mindfulness instructor.

I've worked in psychiatric hospitals.

I have a background in counseling psychology among a lot of other things.

So anyway,

I want to say that it's extremely important for me to be trauma-informed in everything that I do.

And what it means to be trauma-informed first and foremost is to recognize that before we do anything else,

We need to feel safe.

That our felt sense of safety in our bodies is key to letting in any kind of healing work,

Any kind of growth work.

We have to feel safe.

And what that means on a physiological level is we don't,

Our system is not dominated by the cascade of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol.

And that has ramifications like our stress hormones determine what thoughts arise for us.

Our thoughts we now know from cutting edge neurobiology,

Neurophysiology and psychophysiology.

Our thoughts actually come from our body in a lot of ways.

It's the state of our system and whether our literal physical nervous system is detecting if we're safe or not.

That determines how we're able to think.

How much possibility we're able to detect or not.

Or if we need things to be very black and white.

That actually comes from a stressed out nervous system.

It comes from physiology.

Yeah,

Lindsay,

Your mind is blown.

I see that thoughts come from our body.

It's true.

And the more we learn about this,

And this is not woo woo everyone,

This is neurophysiology.

I'm very much a nerd of the polyvagal theory.

And if this,

I know it sounds really jargony and you might wonder how the heck this relates to reparenting.

But trust me,

I'm good at coming back into the fullness of the circle.

So Stephen Porges,

Who is like a distinguished professor and co-founder of the field of psychophysiology.

He's like a distinguished professor at many different research universities in the United States.

So Stephen Porges is credited with the polyvagal theory and it's very complicated.

But the nutshell that I want to share today is that basically he has discovered beyond any kind of argument that yes,

Our body creates our thoughts.

And specifically our felt sense of safety creates our thoughts,

How we think.

And you can look,

Especially in our world today,

You can look at the discourse that's going on.

And if you know this,

You can tell what kind of a physiological state somebody's nervous system is,

Depending on what language they're using.

Are they using language where there's a really concrete good and bad,

Like where there's good guys and bad guys.

And we see that,

I mean,

Everywhere in our extremely polarized and polarizing world today,

Right?

You can actually tell the state of someone's body by the language they're using.

Like what part of their brain is dominant.

If they're amygdala dominant,

They're going to have that black and white thinking.

And amygdala is really turned on,

Which is the reptilian brain,

Which is saying that something is very threatening to us.

And it literally shuts down our prefrontal cortex.

It literally shuts down our ability to perceive complexity,

Higher order reasoning,

Thoughts like have you all experienced how when you're really stressed,

You can't seem to think straight.

That has a physiological basis.

So,

Yeah,

And thank you,

DM,

For typing out Stephen Porges,

Polyvagal.

Yeah,

Stephen Porges' Polyvagal Theory,

Absolutely revolutionary for all of the healing arts.

Everyone needs to talk about it more.

So let's circle back to reparenting and what this means.

So I was mentioning that I'm really passionate in talking about the aspect of reparenting that is inner protection,

Becoming our own source of protection.

And because I've talked about the nervous system,

You know why this is now,

Because we can't let in love and nurturing and compassion,

Unless we feel safe.

You cannot let into your system that beautiful practice of self compassion you're doing,

Unless your body feels safe enough to do so because we literally are able to open,

Right?

And like,

Do you all know,

Like,

I mean,

I'm from the Pacific Northwest,

And we have lots of sea animals,

Right?

And you can poke an anemone,

And it goes from being open and beautiful to closed,

Right?

Or if you don't have anemones where you're living,

Just think about an animal that's like open when it feels safe and it's like it's gathering food with all of its tendrils and you poke it and it goes,

Right?

That's just reasonable,

Right?

If there's a threat you're detecting,

You want to protect yourself.

So that means,

Oh,

Hedgehogs.

Lana says,

Yeah,

Like if you're in Europe,

Like where there's lots of hedgehogs or somewhere else,

Like,

This might make more sense to you.

Think about a hedgehog.

So there's nothing bad about closing off when we feel unsafe.

It's actually just the most beautiful,

Reasonable thing to do to protect yourself.

But the thing is,

Oh,

And Cricket says turtles.

I love that.

It's another great analogy.

So what I'm saying is that if you have a self-compassion practice or if you're trying to practice self-care and it's not going in,

If it doesn't really,

If you feel like you maybe you're doing it,

Like going through the motions,

But you're not really feeling the self-care or the love or the nurturing,

It might very well be because your system doesn't feel safe enough to open to it.

Because we need to feel open.

We need to feel safe in order to open ourselves to be nurtured.

And that's all to say,

Like why I don't think it's enough to think about reparenting as just self-love.

We also have to be our own protector.

So what does it mean to be our own protector?

It means boundaries.

It means setting boundaries for yourself.

Because a lot of us don't feel safe with ourselves.

We don't feel safe with ourselves because we learned in our childhood that it wasn't okay to say no.

It wasn't okay to express our own feelings,

Needs and desires that were different from those of our caregivers.

It wasn't okay to have your own opinions that are different from your caregivers.

Like this kind of childhood results in difficulty in adulthood with boundaries.

And if you have difficulty in adulthood with boundaries,

You don't actually trust yourself to keep yourself safe.

And thus,

You won't be able to actually let in love.

Let in that beautiful self-compassion practice.

Let in even the love of your trusted partner some of the time.

Or let it in all the way anyway.

This is not an either or.

It's a continuum.

Your extent of feeling unsafe will determine the extent that your body has stress hormones circulating and thus the extent that you're going to need to close off.

So again,

Don't make this either or.

It's a continuum.

So you might be wondering in your own mind where you are on that continuum.

Another way to put this is how easy is it for you to receive love?

How quickly do you deflect that compliment?

Say,

Oh no,

Oh this dress,

This old thing.

Or like,

You know,

Somebody says you're beautiful and you say,

Oh yeah,

Oh I barely slept,

Oh I think I just look so awful today,

Right?

So think about that for yourself.

How easy is it for you to receive?

And we can make it easier for ourselves to receive by doing boundary work.

Because we start to,

And this is again,

Gradual,

Lifelong process,

We can start to set better boundaries in our life as a form of reparenting and thus gradually be able to open more and more.

Yeah,

So just take some breaths into what I've shared today and in a few minutes we're going to be moving into a practice where you're going to viscerally be able to reparent part of yourself.

And just breathe into everything that's been said.

Lisa says,

I'm more closed now but I think it's healthy for me because I was too open to too much in the past.

I feel like I'm developing healthy discernment now.

I love that.

Yes.

Yeah,

And that is so,

That needs to be discussed so much more frequently in the healing arts.

And those of you who know me know this little soap box of mine that I really want to have a billboard to just show to the entire healing arts community and personal growth community that like,

It's not always better to be open.

It is not always better or appropriate or safe to be open because there's this idea in much of the spiritual world that like,

Oh,

Just open,

Just open your heart just open more and more oh you're closed off that's bad right.

No,

Like we're closed off for very good reasons because we learned from our past that people aren't safe or that certain situations aren't safe right.

So everybody please like,

Take the seed and sow it,

Spread the word that it's not always better to be open and in fact like we need to be closed.

Yeah,

We need to be closed sometimes to protect ourselves you know and being closed doesn't mean you're,

You're mean.

It means that you are respecting yourself and loving yourself enough to believe and prioritize that your own safety matters.

That how you feel matters right that's what it means to have boundaries.

Yeah,

I'm glad that this is really resonating for you all so this is again this is part of my,

My own trauma informed version of reparenting is that such,

Such a necessary part that really needs to be more discussed is boundaries and that healthy closing off like.

Yeah and Brenda yes it is it's I always say a lifelong process because especially in my culture you know in the United States we're really into silver bullets and silver bullets are also very marketable right like do my process and you'll get instant results and I'm saying,

You will absolutely not get instant results from my process,

But you will have gradual sustainable permanent growth.

It just takes time and yeah and thank you Catherine for so for those of you who came in a little bit later Catherine with a K is my wonderful insight timer assistant and she just she'll post things like she just reminded us that there is a shadow work circle on insight timer if you're resonating with this stuff that I'm saying make sure to join us in the shadow work circle.

Yeah,

So I am.

I am Monica.

Hi.

Yeah,

I'm so happy you all are here and I want to transition gradually into our practice today so.

Let's see so Jude has a good question so we are instructed to be present with the feelings how does establishing boundaries interface with that yeah so the the.

In order to have boundaries,

You need to have awareness of when your boundaries are being violated and when you know when a boundary is needed for you and that red flag so our our bodies give us a beautiful beautiful very clear signal when a boundary of our when we need to set a boundary that isn't being set and that's what we need to set a boundary.

And that red flag is called resentment.

Wherever in your life you feel resentment.

You need to set a boundary there.

You need to set a boundary there.

And I hope that that helps.

And so awareness of your feelings and your body states is going to go miles on helping you set boundaries because you're going to be getting more and more exquisitely aware of your resentment.

You know because resentment is old anger.

Resentment is unexpressed anger.

So resentment is usually something you've been holding inside because you did not learn when you were growing up how to healthfully express anger.

And healthy expression is.

.

.

Healthy expression of anger is setting boundaries,

You know,

In a clear firm kind way.

Most of us just know anger as yelling or being disrespectful or you know like unloading on someone.

But that is not actual healthy anger.

That is the discharge of previously repressed anger.

And I hope that that makes sense.

Yeah and thank you Catherine for typing that out.

So yeah wherever you feel resentment in your life is an indicator of where you need to set boundaries.

And so wherever you feel resentment,

In other words,

Is an indicator of where you need some reparenting of yourself through setting those boundaries.

Yeah.

Alright so I'll describe what we're going to be doing today in our practice together before I start leading you into it.

As a way for you to.

.

.

To see if it's something that you want to do today.

See if it's something that's available to you in your own nervous system state right now.

See if you want to do this with us and if not know that this is being recorded and I'm gonna have it up on inside timer within the week.

So if you would rather just listen today or if you are somewhere and as a mom I understand that sometimes you have to multitask.

If you're multitasking right now I don't recommend that you do this practice with us because it really.

.

.

To get the benefits you really need to bring your full presence.

So if you can you know wrap up anything you might be multitasking with right now.

If you can seek some privacy right now and we're gonna be in practice together for about 15 to 20 minutes and and again I will describe exactly what we're gonna be doing in just a moment.

Yeah and DM yeah absolutely it's it's better to release your emotions than to hold them inside every time.

But if you're with somebody who repeatedly violates your boundaries it's time to set a boundary with that relationship because that's the self-loving thing to do right is to prioritize your own safety and health and well-being and happiness.

All right yes Carolyn if boundaries are violated it's a matter of re-establishing those boundaries yeah always or using your discernment to realize that maybe this relationship is not uplifting for you and there is not safe for you yeah.

I'm a massive fan of nonviolent communication as a way to set boundaries and know that know that what I mean by setting boundaries isn't what you might think it is.

What I mean by setting boundaries is the authentic expression of your own feelings needs and desires.

The authentic expression of your own feelings needs and desires that is boundary setting.

So what an example of that would be and I know we're gonna get to our practice soon but just because there's questions about this I want to address it and we do have the time.

So what an example of this would be and I'm using nonviolent communication the format of it to make this example is let's say my husband let me see here as I search for the perfect example for right now.

So some of you know this story so a while back you know my husband was like creaking around in the morning and he woke me up and at that time I was really struggling with sleep and it was a really big deal for me to be woken up and so I got up and I was like feeling you know my body sensations I was feeling the anger that you know there was there was resentment that was happening that my husband like was creaking you know we live in an old house as a creaky floor creaking around and and so I came into my saw him in the kitchen you know and I had a choice of how I could respond to to his creaking around and waking me up right.

I could do what my old self would do and just swallow it and take on the responsibility all myself and say something like oh I should have been wearing earplugs oh you know yeah you woke me up but it's okay but secretly I'm like fuming inside right this is what most of us do especially if you were socialized as a girl so fuming inside but saying oh it's okay you know but I chose not to do that I chose to set a boundary and here's how I set the boundary I told them you know when I heard you squeaking you know creaking around in our house this morning it woke me up and I feel really frustrated that I woke up because I've been struggling with sleep and I really need my sleep and would you be willing next time to go around my bedroom door you know when sometimes we sleep in separate beds because of the kid it's complicated anyway so would you be willing to like go a different direction in the morning if you get up earlier so that it doesn't it doesn't creak as much.

Bam that's a nonviolent communication boundary you express you observe what's going on you express your feelings about it and then you express the need that you have that's causing those feelings and then you set a behavior change request like next time could you do this I know this is a lot to take in but if you're curious the Center for Nonviolent Communication has all these free resources on their website so you can just look up nonviolent communication or you can get Marshall Rosenberg's book nonviolent communication you know it's a very easy read anyway that's a really amazing way to set firm kind boundaries and the amazing bonus is that when you set boundaries in that way you instantly become more authentic and and the more you become attuned to really focusing on what do I need what what do I need because we don't know this we don't know the language for needs generally speaking and we don't know the language for feelings so the more you are you practice using nonviolent communication or just parts of it because again this is not this is not like you have to go all in right now you could experiment with different parts of NVC like again nothing all the way all at once this is not a black-and-white thing lifelong process so if you experiment with incorporating just talking to your partner or your friends or your co-workers like about your feelings a little bit more or just noticing if talking feels too threatening about it just noticing when that resentment is arising in your body and then thinking in your mind like what could I say here that would be an authentic expression of my feelings my needs my desires and then how could I request this person to change their behavior yeah so if someone is ignoring your boundaries Carolyn or anyone else that person isn't good for you I'm sorry or I'm not sorry but I like that's just the harsh truth like I have had to sever relationships and friendships because I've set boundaries in this way and the person frankly told me something like well if I do that I wouldn't be myself so no I'm not gonna do that and then I said okay I can't be in this relationship anymore if you're not willing to prioritize my well-being see ya like yeah and Lindsay you're right this really does require you to be attuned to what your body is telling you but if you're here on this planet to develop your consciousness and your awareness and your authenticity as I hope all of you are this is a prerequisite we have to be more attuned to what our body is telling us and we live in a culture that just keeps us in our heads and so it takes going against the grain to develop this skill of body awareness you're absolutely right all right so I do want to get into our practice I know there is a lot of questions and please take your questions if there's still questions that remain and we're out of time today please take your questions into our shadow work circle on insight timer I'm sure that like there are lots of folks who have a lot of boundary struggles and who would love to continue this conversation in the shadow work circle so just I think after we're done today you can go to the insight timer home page and there's a little circle icon and you just tap on that and then search for shadow work and you will find our circle there all right so I'll describe what we're doing in our practice today so we're going to be practicing getting to the root of a present-day moderate trigger not a big trigger please nothing that causes anxiety but a present-day trigger for you or something maybe because we've been talking about relationships a lot maybe something in your relationship that gets on your nerves so I don't want you to pick for this exercise a trigger that's a big one just pick an irritation something that just gets on your nerves okay about your partner or about a co-worker or a friend and I'm gonna help you through what we're gonna do is become attuned to like go back to that time and place where you had that interaction with that partner or co-worker friend that you irritated you we're gonna get really aware of the body sensations and emotions that are there and what we're gonna do then is invite our imaginations our unconscious mind this is kind of like a waking dream we're gonna invite our unconscious mind to just show us a first impression of the part of yourself that is feeling those things and it's probably a younger part of yourself you know so you could ask yourself what age was I what age am I right now when I'm here feeling these things and then what we're gonna do is switch perspectives and so this is shadow work and my particular form of shadow work is called empathic witnessing and so what we're gonna do is we're going to then imagine ourselves as an empathic witness as someone who is all loving all understanding who's witnessing this younger version of us or whatever you see as that figure and then we're going to be validating their their feelings and doing a really loving integrative encounter with them and those of you who know my work are very familiar with empathic witnessing with this process and yes this is a new name that I have for my particular brand of shadow work if you are unfamiliar with it and know too that if this process today that we're gonna do in just a moment if it resonates with you I have like don't worry about remembering all of the steps because I have them all written out and more in my free ebook and you can get that free ebook by clicking the link in my insight timer a teacher profile you'll just see it free ebook it's called the step-by-step beginners guide to shadow work and so the whole process is written out and even more detailed than what we're doing today so just relax today know that it's there if you want to reference it you don't have to remember what we're doing all right so so what we're doing now is we're gonna transition to the practice for just about you know 15 minutes I'll keep it on the shorter side and we're gonna come out at the end and have some time to process so just know that it's not going to be abrupt and then I'm gone so and you can always take it to the shadow work circle if you have even more that needs processing afterwards so what I invite you to do if you want to participate with us today is to either sit really comfortably or find a spot lying down this is not the kind of meditation where I'm gonna have you have a you know tall rigid spine like this is the meditation where I want you to be really comfortable without falling asleep so just find that posture for yourself now maybe you're already there and what we'll do now is begin by getting really in touch with our breath if you like you can close your eyes here and simply notice without any judgment where your breath is right now if it's higher or lower in your body and see if you can intend some softness into your abdomen inviting some roundness into your belly that might have some tension in it breathing and inviting some softness into shoulders some releasing in the jaw or wherever you feel unnecessary tension bracing in your body knowing of course that bracing is also completely okay and understandable if you if it feels like it's not right to let it go just keep it and love it for now so continuing to breathe as you now invite into your awareness this memory of a recent or fairly recent time in your interactions with another person where you felt really irritated maybe in a way that's like seems over-the-top quote-unquote like a very mild trigger with somebody else or maybe it's that feeling of resentment whatever feels like somewhere you want to go today either like an irritation or a resentment you have with someone else now really tune into your inner space and see sense and feel yourself right there again with that person you're looking at them and we're going to be noticing and naming now what are the body sensations you feel as you're here giving name in your mind to any areas of tension areas of bracing or whatever you notice maybe even a racing heart simply breathe in and name this for yourself and now get curious about what are the emotions that are in the forefront here as you really see sense and feel yourself in this moment of irritation or resentment what are the emotions you can name right here just name those in your mind fear anger and now really perceive this entirety this constellation of body sensation and emotion like just really seeing it as a whole swirl a whole feeling signature if you will and based on this feeling signature we're going to invite your most wise intuitive mind your imagination to show you a time early in your life when you felt something similar or another way to say that is to show you the aspect of yourself that first experienced this feeling signature you're just going to go with your first impression whatever your mind shows you and now I invite you to imagine yourself standing very tall as a beautiful loving empathic witness to this younger version of yourself right here or to whatever aspect of yourself has come up in whatever way your imagination construes it just go with it and so you're standing now at a respectful distance away from this part of yourself and you're just gonna witness here you're just really seeing what's happening here maybe this is a scene maybe this is a memory or maybe it's just a knowing of what age you were or something else just notice what you notice and name it now you notice and name the body language of the aspect of yourself that you're seeing here you notice and name the emotions that they're feeling sorry my stomach is making weird noises some energy healers say that stomach noises mean the energy is moving so I'll go with that all right so you're just breathing and really naming the emotions that are present for this version of you and now we're going to be offering some validation to them we are not going to be telling them what we want to tell them we're not going to be hugging them we're not going to be going up to them and doing anything to them we're simply keeping a distance and validating what we're noticing for example you could say something like I see that you're all alone here or I see that she never listens to you I see that you're just really scared you're really afraid so just take a minute now and validate a few things that you notice and breathe knowing that's very normal if you feel emotion arising at this point breathe and go with the flow of whatever is coming up for you validating what you notice noticing as well what it feels like in your present-day adult body to be doing this there's no right or wrong way to feel it's all completely okay it's okay if this is hard or impossible right now and always know that you can take a break look around your room stand up leave this live and listen to the recording later there's lots of options if it ever feels like it's too much but if it feels good for now to stay here just wrap up anything else and one more thing you might want to validate for them anything you see and now we're going to be asking them a question and that question and just go with whatever they say if they don't have an answer to this question just continue to validate so the question is what do you really need asking this part of yourself what do you really need and going with what they tell you breathing and if it feels appropriate now see sense and feel yourself meeting this need for them if it does not feel right or appropriate or they don't want you to maybe they feel aggressive toward you your job is just to keep validating whatever is arising saying I'm going to be doing this for you it's just to keep validating whatever is arising saying yes I see that you're angry with me for example which is validating but if it feels right see sense and feel yourself meeting this need for them and and then just a few more moments here as you breathe and how it feels maybe there is emotion arising that's my neighbor's dog in the background all right and when that cycle of meeting that need feels complete we're just going to tune in now too is there anything else you can ask this version of yourself or this figure is there anything else that's needed anything else that you need sweetheart and then see sense and feel yourself meeting that need for them knowing that this need that might be love and squishiness and cuddles and hugs or it might mean yelling at someone who's who was hurting you in the past you know like there's a whole infinite spectrum of what that could look like but the point is it's it's this version of you that is telling you what they need it's not you doing what you think they need all right so really wrapping this up now it's taking a few more breaths noticing now this figure that you've been interacting with and just getting curious about if if it's changed has their posture changed and it's completely okay if they haven't changed too and now really tuning in to ask the question kind of telepathically to them would you like to return with me when i shift consciousness or are you really comfortable right where you are there is absolutely no better or worse here do they feel like they want to come with you or do they want to stay right where they are know that the healing in this process does not happen from them coming with you it happens from your witnessing of them and from meeting their needs on their own terms that's where the healing so it's already done but if they feel like coming back with you or even if they don't this if it feels nurturing for you you can put your hands on your heart and take some breaths and really feel that they're right here and they've always been right here just waiting for you to see them to remember them to love them just as they are and you can have this these feelings for them even if they're not coming with you just knowing that they're safe they're comfortable yeah all right and so whenever it feels right and of course stay in the state as long as feels right for you but if you want to come back now just very slowly start to imagine the walls around you imagine different items in the room just really bringing yourself back now to this time and place deepening your inhales knowing that you've done some very profound reparenting work of yourself and integrating of this part of you that was hidden this shadow part of you this is shadow work all right so come on back and just look around and if it feels right you can kind of make some movements roll the shoulders take some stretches just do whatever it takes to really bring you back into your body right now so what you just did is a is one way again through my version of shadow work which is called empathic witnessing like this is one way that you can reparent yourself is by going in and really accessing those root aspects of yourself that are at the heart of our triggers in our present day reality so as we meet our own needs from the inside i think you'll as you do this work and these this is like again as i say a gradual lifelong process but it does have very discernible results as well very quickly and i'd love to know right now on the comments in the in the minutes that we have together and thank you for your donations everyone if this and thank you for reminding me for donating to say that if this was helpful for you if you've learned something today donating is a wonderful way to communicate that to me so thank you so very much it really does make an impact so yeah who has something they want to share from that experience or a question so we do have some minutes left together to address those or please reach out if that if that stirred up something for you and you would like some support i'm 100 here for that all right and why do we ask to come away with us because oftentimes i've been i've been doing this work with people i used to work one on one with folks i don't anymore i'm just teaching my online class now but and going on inside timer but um my experience while doing this work i never used to give the option of that aspect coming with the person but i just saw again and again in people's experience that there was a band like that the part of them especially if it was a child aspect that there was a feeling or a fear of abandonment when we we said to them that in a moment it will seem like i'm shifting consciousness there was like a fear of abandonment that would come up sometimes and so that's why i offer that and it might not feel right for you and that's 100 okay but i just have found that for a lot of folks it it just brings years into the process and it helps that shadow aspect which you could also call the inner child um feel more loved more seen more taken care of yeah all right v2 yeah i got stirred up and had to stop absolutely i'm glad you're taking a break dolly my eyebrows these are all natural i actually did not i sometimes i use a pencil right here but i did not today so all natural when i was 11 years old i had a unibrow and a mustache here and so i uh yeah i i started getting waxed when i was 11 and um i just didn't have to after a few years it just didn't grow back anymore but anyway tangent um so i'm reading some of the comments here so martha says what came up for me was having to take on too much responsibility as a child and feeling that i was only loved for what i did yeah and so martha part of reparenting for you sounds like it's going to mean um giving yourself permission to not take on as much responsibility right for more play more rest that is one branch of reparenting for you i hope that makes sense um andrea you said with my younger self the needs around protection boundaries seem to blur with nurturing right if you happen to be here for the first part of the talk and again this is being recorded so if you didn't hear it for anyone know that it'll be on my insight time or profile within the week and you can catch up but in the beginning i talked a lot about how um we can't feel we can't feel nurtured we can't we can't receive nurturing like physiologically hormonally we can't let that in unless we feel safe enough we just can't so those so so boundaries and nurturing will always be intertwined because we need to set boundaries in order to be able to feel safe enough to receive nurturing so it it makes sense to me um yeah so lisa you started crying i never you said you never really had a childhood and only recently in midlife have you been able to access your inner child so lisa just like for martha i'm i'm imagining that part of your reparenting journey is that permission for play for rest for not managing as much like letting go of some of that responsibility because it sounds like you were parentified so um one um so lisa and anyone else who identifies with being parentified i know i certainly do there's a book by alice miller called the drama of the gifted child that i would love for you to look at the drama of the gifted child and gifted here does not mean like academically gifted or genius what gifted means is you're so sensitive that you're able to basically be the counselor or the helper for your parents and then that book talks about the ramifications in adulthood of that it that book changed my life many years ago so drama of the gifted child by alice miller yungian psychotherapist um and also i think everyone on this on this call today would benefit from reading the book that i recommend to everyone who needs reparenting called adult children of emotionally immature parents by dr lindsey gibson adult children of emotionally immature parents by dr lindsey gibson that is a life-changing book all right um yeah uh i love all of them i'm seeing from a lot of you that all of us is making sense um laura oh this is a great question laura you ask is there some therapist you recommend to doing this work well i have a wonderful person to recommend so i don't um i don't do one-on-one sessions anymore i used to for many years with people which allowed me to build this work and learn so much um but i train practitioners in empathic witnessing in this work and right now i have an amazing practitioner named megan who just graduated and she is offering sessions for a discount for 50 percent of um in exchange for a testimonial about your experience so um what i would suggest is joining the shadow work circle on insight timer and then i'm going to be posting her email address there um if you want if you are interested in working one-on-one and i think laura you are part of the circle already but anyone else who is interested in doing this work one-on-one um have a wonderful referral for you and i have also other folks who have graduated from my program and um that megan in particular is offering an awesome discount right now so yeah all right uh oh lisa you said you're also reading healing the shame that binds you oh that sounds like i want to read that too thanks for that referral her recommendation um so adam you said you read it last year you mean the adult children book of emotionally immature parents yeah very insightful full sobering and sad but recommended yeah i know i found it um extremely validating and there's something about when we receive validation that something like dislodges in us or some ice melts to water and we're able to feel some grief and feel some acknowledgement and um that is a huge part of the process right is getting that validation and thus able to release what has been held inside yeah yeah so natalie says many times i do shadow work sessions i struggle with being seen i tend to think others emotions and experiences are more important than mine this ties into struggling to feel love like you mentioned earlier yeah absolutely absolutely so natalie part of your journey it sounds like is um practicing speaking up for your feelings needs and desires or probably even being aware of them in the first place right so having that building that awareness and then sharing them with other people and often those of us with that kind of programming where we prioritize other people's experience oftentimes we're projecting our past onto our present and we're not even giving the people in our life the opportunity to prove us wrong like we don't because we don't share ourselves we don't get the opportunity to be held by them you know or to be accepted by them so um that's why it's so important to to experiment with speaking out more um so julia you say how do we connect with megan um join the shadow work circle or actually um i can also give you oh no i don't have her website quite yet just join join the shadow work circle um and i'll i'll put her contact information there if you want to do one-on-one work with megan all right i think that i got to um most people's questions so anonymous you say is it normal to have a hard time being present in the meditations absolutely um it might be dissociation so my shadow work meditations one of which you experienced today um they really get right to the source and they tend to if we're trauma survivors um and i i you know use a definition of trauma as quite broad including developmental trauma meaning childhood trauma so um if you're a trauma survivor on the whole continuum of trauma uh it's going to be very in a sense threatening to your defense mechanisms to do these meditations so often people will space out or fall asleep or get distracted or get agitated and that's okay like just really breathe into to noticing your reaction and breathing into that's okay and that means that maybe you want to approach this work just really a little bit at a time if it's right for you at all you know all right yeah yeah and it's okay that it's hard to be present during meditation and it's just a practice of continuing to bringing to bring yourself back you know continuing to bring yourself back i think it's that way no matter how long we've meditated i've also been meditating for over 20 years so and i still you know bring myself back and that's just the journey it's not about the outcome of being like totally zen and totally present like no we're human um all right so i'm gonna have to get going everyone but so a few things so definitely join our shadow work circle on insight timer by after this is all done go um go to the insight timer home page look for the circle icon tap that and then search for shadow work so join our circle i think we're almost 600 strong in that circle and we're in the middle of a sew the seeds of self-love challenge 30-day challenge and my amazing insight timer assistant katherine with a k manages that circle she does an amazing job of doing that challenge with folks and i also um oh and 225 live here today yay um also know that if this process if the shadow work slash reparenting process we did today the practice resonated with you um i i describe it in depth and i describe all of the steps in my free ebook uh the step-by-step beginner's guide to shadow work which you can get by going to the link on my teacher profile here on insight timer and it'll be very clear um once you get there and you can get that ebook and have this process in written form for you in much more detail than we did today um all right and know that i also have so much so many meditations on insight timer so many recorded lives and this recording will be going up um within the week so if you miss any part or you want to refresh it'll be there for you and it'll be called how to reparent yourself oh yeah and katherine's katherine with the k says if you yeah if you click one if you sign up for my free ebook you'll also be automatically put on my email list and um i do send out newsletters every couple of weeks and i i always share my juicy personal stories in my email newsletters so um yeah people seem to like them all right well thank you so much for being here for sharing yourself for your donations for your questions um and have um oh and sarah you say you mentioned a dance to heal live and other classes are recording for that there isn't a recording of dance to heal because it's such a video dependent process like but um i think i'm going to do a dance to heal in a few weeks and dance to heal for those of you who don't know is my totally movement-based somatic trauma-informed fun class where we take um postures and we dance around and we move in ways that help us help our bodies help our nervous systems be more comfortable setting boundaries standing up for ourselves um and we we dance with the resistance that comes up as we you take big postures or like fierce postures it's just a really fun class so um look for that in a few weeks i'll be and maybe next week i'll post the the next live it might be on october 24th um but don't take my word for it but the the thing to do if you want to stay in touch with that is to join our shadow work circle because i always post the lives first there and then katherine will be posting them as well and remind you of them so anyway i will see you all later for the next live or in the shadow work circle or elsewhere and i am just sending so much love to you thank you so much for being present for reparenting yourself today all right see you all soon bye

Reviews

I continue to glean many insights from this Live. This was where I learnt that our bodys make our thoughts- I love Catherine’s explanation of the nervous system (and Polyvagal theory) and how the (unintentional) dysregulation of our caregivers’ nervous systems had a profound impact on us as children - and also as adults. I have also taken great comfort in the reminder that we are not meant to be doing this alone, we need our village! That’s why parenthood can be so tough.
This is incredibly compassionate and gentle but the insight offered alongside Catherine’s warm and loving approach is so welcome to me. I am so grateful for all you do, Catherine 🙏🏼💜

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟So profound in so many ways ‼️Thank you Catherine🙏

As usual, a lot if insight and wisdom from Catherine. It especially struck me when she spoke about how trauma makes us feel unprotected. I've been dealing with a lot of grief about my past and when I got really close to it, what came up was that I didn't feel protected. It was so validating to hear those words from her. Then when she spoke about thoughts coming from the body, that also hit home. I've only been learning about this recently when dealing with depression. Somatic work has been key to getting better and it's wonderful to find someone who understands how important the body is to mental health. Much gratitude for another powerful and healing talk.

A very interesting lecture that gave me a whole lot of good work and practice to do, with my traumatized inner child that is now healing.
Your "Shadow work" meditation practice, gave me a lot of positive healing and a reminder of what I need, as an adult, that my inner child told me and reminded me of.

I had a very powerful experience, so thank you Catherine! 🙏🏻❤️🤗

Thank you Catherine. I'm grateful to have stumbled upon you and your learning and what you help the rest of us through.

Very impactful thank you 🙏🏼

A great talk about and demonstration of shadow work including book recommendations. Thank you for posting this recording.

Catherine, you are one of the most dedicated teachers on Insight Timer and I deeply see the value in your work. You are so authentic and you live like you teach. You are not too serious and you fabricate so much space and creativity to this growing up to be vulnerable -way of living💜💚💜

Amazing! Your “Empathic Witnessing” practice had me connect with my teenage self. I validated and healed a huge block in my life at the moment by experiencing the original resentment. Thank you, Bless You 🙏🏻💗🙏🏻

Reparenting is such a helpful frame for examining “how I got here” that sits far enough outside of myself that I don’t immediately get lost in blame and regret. Thanks for this recording 🙏🏻🙏🏻

🧑🏻‍🦰👶🏻🧡💛🧡