Thank you all so much for being here today for how to do Shadow work.
So this will be a Mixture of things today.
It'll be a talk.
So I'm going to be talking about what is shadow work from my perspective and What the benefits are so why why do this work in the first place and then also?
We're gonna have a guided practice because Shadow work is just like anything experiential.
It's we can talk about it all day We can talk about the origins we can talk about the theory we can talk about what to do But until you drop in and you experience it in your body.
You don't really get it So that's why For at least half of our hour today.
I'm going to be really in it with you guiding you through a shadow work session and my work is trauma-informed which means that It's very gentle and every step of the way.
I give you plenty of options.
So Also,
That's one of the reasons I record these sessions because you might not be in a place of readiness Today in this moment to do a shadow work practice right now right with us And I will explain a lot more about exactly what we're doing and how to assess your readiness To participate today,
But in any event you can decide You know Maybe you want to just dip your toe in today with the practice and then do the rest when you feel more ready through the recording or maybe you want to participate but My absolute number one priority is for you to feel safe enough with this practice and in your body with yourself today so All right and so I invite each and every one of you right now before we do anything else to Really tune into yourself and see if there's anything you can do to make yourself 10% more comfortable right now Or another way to put it is how can you make this moment even more enjoyable for yourself?
So for example,
I have some beautiful sweet pea flowers With me today that I put in here just to remind myself of beauty You might have a favorite blanket or you might need a glass of water or to go to the restroom just really tuning in and Doing something that will make you even more comfortable even more cozy feel even more Joy in this moment even more connection to yourself So what can you do to make yourself even more comfortable right now?
Okay,
And you can continue to Take care of that as I talk a little bit about shadow work now Excuse me All right So I'm Katherine and I'm going to be doing a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of I'm Katherine and many of you know me and know my work for those of you who don't I'm a shadow work practitioner I'm a somatic trauma healing specialist and I'm an inner child work specialist So I'm a counseling school dropout I wasn't a counseling psychology program.
I dropped out because it wasn't I wasn't seeing the trauma informed Education that I needed that I wanted to do Other reasons too,
But um,
Basically I was a certified trauma informed yoga and mindfulness teacher before I went to counseling school And then before I was the yoga teacher mindfulness teacher.
I was an academic I spent six years as full-time faculty at Oregon State University teaching German My focus was on German and the occult and philosophy so And my reason for studying German in the first place was because I've been obsessed with Carl Jung since I was a teenager so Carl Jung Is the originator of the concept we know as shadow and shadow work I started to become obsessed with him when I was 15 and I started having these nightmares that Nobody Uh,
Nobody could I mean they were totally from the trauma of my own upbringing You know,
They were an expression of my psyche about what was really going on What was the unseen pain the unseen and the unstated pain going on in my family of origin?
Of course nobody knew about trauma back then really uh in you know,
The 80s and 90s so um So anyway,
I ended up going to a young my mom knew about Carl Jung She ended up bringing me to Jungian analyst when I was 15 and even though that person was not helpful.
Um,
It's it Really propelled me into an obsession with all things unconscious So for so Carl Jung swiss psychoanalyst really the Carl Jung along with Freud is the founder of what we know is modern-day psychotherapy So this idea that by talking to someone with mental struggles you can get insight and healing About their experience you can help them That's that whole idea that you can talk to someone that you can talk to quote unquote a mental patient Originated with Freud and then Jung took it into a more holistic spiritual dimension but in any event Jung was obsessed with all the things That we don't talk about with all the things that are what he called in shadow So the aspects of ourselves And our culture that are labeled bad that are labeled inappropriate That we so basically the things that shadow is In relation to ourselves.
It's what we censor deny and minimize about ourselves Our shadow is all of the parts of ourselves that we would rather not Be right that we censor deny or minimize about ourselves or that we've repressed completely about who we are And um so That's what shadow is and you can talk about shadow in terms of an individual person you can talk about shadow in terms of culture like for example like What is it in our culture that we want to censor deny or minimize or just simply not talk about right?
But is definitely present something like white supremacy Racism is a very clear example of a shadow.
Maybe the biggest shadow ever in our culture right now But there are many many shadows So what makes so shadow work?
Is any introspective process that seeks to make the the unconscious and those parts of us that we'd rather push away conscious Shadow work is basically becoming aware of and eventually integrating those aspects of ourselves so that we're no longer Pushing them away like this part of me is bad or I don't want that people to know that about me But that we recognize that it's part of our whole personality So let me give you an example so We do this repressing of parts of ourselves and the censoring denying minimizing of these aspects in our childhood and particularly These aspects that were not safe to express and by safe.
I mean that By expressing these parts of ourselves We did not get the approval that we were looking for in order to feel connected to our caregivers and thus in order to feel safe Because as mammals more than anything else we require the feeling of connection For safety like for really for survival Connection is absolutely central to the experience of being a mammal and most especially of being a human being And so when and as babies as human beings Hi,
Johanna as human beings.
We're the most dependent of any mammal on the planet We stay small the longest right?
We take the longest to develop and thus we're the most Absolutely dependent on our caregivers for survival for the longest time And that means that that connection feeling like we get approval from our parents or caregivers Is our biological imperative?
That means survival to a young human being and so All of the parts of yourself that are innate to you that didn't result in that approval You're going to censor deny minimize or repress So here's an example An example is from my own childhood,
So i'm a very innately expressive person But I grew up in a household where my dad is on the spectrum,
Right?
And had an extremely low tolerance for noise of any kind And my mom really struggled deeply with anxiety like totally undiagnosed undiscussed untreated anxiety growing up,
You know from her own trauma history So here I was this like really expressive creative little kid who Of course,
It wasn't okay for me to be loud,
Right growing up Of course,
It wasn't okay for me to take up space.
I couldn't both Be loud and expressive And get the approval of my parents at the same time and it wasn't that they were like punishing me outwardly for being loud Well,
My dad did sometimes but it was more that as children we brill we are brilliant sponges Like we pick up signals without being told explicitly,
Right?
And I have a 22 month old daughter and I can see this about her.
She soaks up the environment We do not have to tell her how to make a decision She soaks up the environment.
We do not have to tell her how to behave.
She knows what's okay and what's not like Based on what we're modeling.
So I didn't see anyone modeling expressiveness.
And so I shut it down in myself Um,
And so What happens when we put parts of ourselves into shadow?
And it's really important to know that every single one of us has a shadow,
Right?
It's not bad to have a shadow.
It's not like this is just part of human development We're not raised by ourselves,
Right?
We don't raise ourselves different people raise us.
So even the most incredible intentional compassionate parents Are going to raise kids that suppress parts of themselves because they're just different,
You know,
Like there's no way a parent can Meet every single need of a child because we're different people And as a parent myself,
You know,
I feel that really acutely And so each and every one of us is going to move into our adulthood with repressed material with parts of ourselves that We're less comfortable with right?
So it's absolutely just natural to have a shadow,
Right?
But it's also a continuum Depending on how rigid and regulated Your upbringing was the deeper your shadow will be right?
So if you grew up in an environment where there was a certain way to be a good girl boy non-binary child,
Right like if there was a very certain way to be good and if you If you've veered away from that you got in trouble,
Right?
You're going to have a really deep shadow like there's going to be a lot of you that's under the surface that you had to shed away And that might result in depression later in life You know like for a lot of people it does because you're numb to yourself You don't know who you are because you had put so much away If you were raised in an environment that was more child-centered,
Right where you were Allowed to speak up for your feelings needs desires and be accepted for it Um,
You're going to have a smaller shadow,
Right?
You're going to have a more full spectrum more full spectrum access to all of your emotions To all of your ways of being all of your preferences and needs,
Right?
So,
Um Yeah,
Monique.
That's what i'm currently explaining is what is shadow work.
Yeah so um So to do a really quick recap for those of you who just entered so shadow work comes from Carl jung Really?
I mean the shadow is from mythology throughout human history,
Right?
Like the underworld those aspects of our of us that are repressed but um shadow work as I define it is Any introspective process that puts you into contact with and integrates the aspects of yourself that you censor Deny or minimize or have repressed completely Yeah,
And i'm recording this session too in case you came in late so you can catch up if you want on on the beginning So because I want pretty soon to get into the practice so you get a visceral understanding of this Okay,
So we know that shadow work in general is about um Choosing to see the unseen right choosing to make the invisible or the censored and denied about ourselves Visible,
Right and ultimately accepting those parts of ourselves um,
So How do you know what parts of yourselves?
Needs of yourselves need integration,
Right?
And there are some really fun ways That we fun.
This is fun for me.
I don't know if it's fun for you but there are fun ways that um That we can really very clearly see what our shadow is by observing specific things in our life like the following so number one the number one way to know what That shadow aspect needs integrating in you right now is what are you triggered by?
In other words What kinds of situations?
Cause an emotional reaction in you that when objectively viewed it might seem like it's over the top Or you might kind of think huh?
That's very strange like that situation shouldn't like Like rationally merit that kind of reaction like there's something in me that is coming out that is very disturbed by that so our triggers Show us where our shadow is um and So for example,
Um When my daughter whines about something and I mean I have a whole shadow work Guided meditation here in insight timer called shadow work for parents So if this example i'm about to say resonates with you,
Please go and do that whole guided meditation so anyway,
So let's say my daughter is whining and she's like,
Um She wants something right?
There's something about that whine and the quality of her voice that just gets into my bones and even though like I do my best to be a non-reactive parent like I just feel so much anger in my body when I hear that whiny voice.
So That's telling me so as a shadow work practitioner,
I know I can observe myself and by the way mindfulness practice helps immensely with this and i've done,
You know Buddhist meditation for 20 years so it's like that helps right?
So I can observe this in myself that hmm There's a huge amount of anger building in my system right now There is something in me that is reacting to her whining and so I do a process in myself that's very similar to the meditation on insight timer called inner work for Sorry shadow work for inner child healing And I basically just go in and I Really do body mindfulness and emotional mindfulness about what exactly are the sensations and emotions that are Here in my body when I hear this whining sound Excuse me And then I ask my psyche to show me An earlier memory in which I felt this similar constellation of feeling and sensation And so most often it's not a specific memory.
Most often it's a knowing that and i'm like,
Oh,
Okay It's because when I was her age when I was this young toddler I couldn't voice my needs.
I couldn't whine.
There was no space for me to whine I had to repress my needs Exactly what she is expressing openly I could not express and that's why My system tags it as a threat and I react to it with aggression Now,
I know I just said a lot so i'm gonna repeat it again.
So we are triggered by something when We sense something that we could Not be when we were young and have the approval of our caregivers at the same time So my daughter expressing her needs with whininess right is something I couldn't do literally when I was young And so I react with aggression I didn't actually act aggressively toward her I just I felt the anger in my body and anger and I talk a lot about this in other places anger is a physiological response of the nervous system to threat.
It's it's your fight response coming out It's not bad to feel angry and it's not unspiritual to feel angry.
This is one of my like billboards.
I want to have For the world.
It's a physiological healthy mammalian response to perceive threat But we can't we can't choose if we're angry,
But we can choose how to act out of that anger Right so I can choose not to act at my daughter when I feel that anger So my body was registering her expression of needs as a threat And that means to me that my expression of needs is in my shadow Being needy is in my shadow and So then the question becomes what can I do to integrate that part of myself?
And the question is well,
You're going to experience it in our practice of what it is to do You're going to experience it in our practice in just a couple minutes but basically We do the work of seeing And grieving our child's selves experience that she couldn't have needs right?
Doing the grief like great doing the grief,
Right?
Grieving We do the grief.
That's so funny to say we grieve Grief and we love and accept the fact that yes,
You had needs little one like sweetheart You had needs and you couldn't express them like That must have been so much pressure for you to hold in yourself like and just like grieve that That is how I've personally found Interrates shadow now my version of shadow work is really different from Traditional Jungian kind of shadow work Which tends to stay in the head?
I'm not interested in staying in the head because I'm also an enormous nervous system nerd So my work is is different from Carl Jung In a couple ways,
Right?
I do not stay in the head like Jungian psychology is analysis,
Right?
We're thinking about things.
We're intellectualizing about The root cause i'm interested in feeling the root cause directly in the body because our body Holds our history our history is embedded in our body Our shadows are embedded in our body and this is what's really different about the kind of shadow work.
I practice I see the body as the shadow And every kind of cutting-edge Neurophysiological science tells us that that's true.
There's so much exciting science on just how much is embedded in our bodies And how much we can unlock and is somatic in other words body-based level Yeah so um Anyway,
So I talked about how triggers Can show us our shadow and another place that's really clear That we can see our shadows is what you judge about other people So everyone right now,
This is just a very this is not our main practice.
Just a small practice Just think or write down some qualities that you can't stand in people maybe there's a specific like Um,
Maybe there's a specific type that you can't stand And I can tell you my type My type used to be men Specifically men who acted overconfident and like they owned the room and were loud,
Right?
And because you know a little bit about my history you can see that those qualities were exactly what I couldn't be as a kid,
Right?
So now just check with yourself About that list that you came up with that you can't stand about people Are those qualities that you couldn't be as a kid and also get approval from your parents?
For most of us it overlaps in sometimes kind of shocking ways So this is a really clear way probably the easiest way to get in touch with your shadow with really important shadow aspects and so like somebody um Uh,
Somebody mentioned like this is where compassion comes in absolutely This is why I do my work.
I mean big big picture.
I'm here to change the world with shadow work Because when each and every one of us is intimate with our shadow,
Guess what?
We don't judge people anymore And we're much less triggered by the world in general like this has been these are these are some of the biggest takeaways in my own life From doing shadow work.
I can move through the world without getting triggered most of the time and i'm someone with a trauma history So that's a huge statement So I can move through the world without being triggered by things like things just don't get me.
They don't hook me anymore I have space Between the stimulus and my response,
Right?
I have space between what happens and how I respond to it,
Right?
And then the second takeaway is I don't judge people like I use to I used to everyone I used to be Ruthlessly judgmental.
I was an I was an intellectually aggressive academic I was so perfectionist.
I was ruthless with myself.
And so I was ruthless with other people like I You might find it hard to believe with how I show up now,
But I used to be pretty intimidating and people were When I was like a college teacher,
I was like the hard teacher So since doing shadow work i've just softened so much because i've integrated my vulnerability I've integrated those parts of myself that I used to push away and thus I don't have to brace against myself anymore.
I'm not bracing against reality I know like sarah blondin talks a lot about this sarah blondin is an amazing shadow worker,
Too like She's all about softening our bracing against the self softening our bracing against reality And that's the benefit of shadow work like as I see it Okay,
There's just a couple things I want to respond to that I couldn't So a couple of you said things like um,
I get triggered,
But I don't Know Why?
Uh,
Okay?
Have you done my meditation insight timer called shadow work for inner child healing?
Because that will show you exactly why So and you can find all my meditations On here on my teacher profile on insight timer So just go to the home page and search and just if you search for my last name liggett I usually come up right away Um,
Kathryn liggett is my name right so just search for that and you'll click on that and you'll see my teacher profile and all of my meditations are there and I have a lot of guided shadow work here on insight timer Yeah,
And that's eventually will you where you'll find the recording of this talk as well is on my teacher profile But um,
It'll take about a week to get up.
So um,
If you want to know Like image Immediately when it shows up make sure to join our shadow work circle here on insight timer Um,
Which is an amazingly beautiful community of heart centered folks.
So and thank you for your donations.
Everyone.
I'm I do a little donation dance He he he and people donate.
So thank you.
It makes a big difference.
Um,
So,
Um,
Let's get started with the practice so you can really feel this in your body Uh,
Oh,
I do want to say one thing before we get into it.
Um,
One of the things i'm so passionate about with shadow work is that I have a deep conviction that each and every one of us is our own best teacher Right that you don't need me.
You don't need you certainly don't need a guru You don't need a spiritual teacher like each and every one of us is our own teacher And diane i'm recording this so you can catch the recording later if you want.
Um,
We were just talking about what shadow work is So anyway,
So each and every one of us is our own best teacher Like I can't tell you what you need to do.
Right?
Only you know that Only the wisdom of your heart and body know that So anyway,
What's amazing about doing shadow work and when you're versed in this I call it a little bit For me shadow work is much less of a specific technique than it is like a lens on reality where you look around and you notice how you're how you're responding to things And thus,
You know where your shadows are.
So in other words what you judge about people and what you're triggered by as two main ways to know where your shadow is and you use the world as your teacher You become your own teacher of what needs healing in yourself.
You don't need anyone else to tell you that right?
This is one of the reasons I am obsessed with shadow work and was sharing it with other people's I want you to be fully empowered to be your own teacher and your own healer In your reality simply by living and noticing how you respond to it and then using the shadow work tools to know how then to integrate those parts of yourself that are calling out for your loving attention All right,
So let's get to it.
So I'll explain again because my work is trauma informed.
It's my utmost priority that you feel safe enough doing this work so and our pits.
I elaborated about that earlier.
And so you can just catch that on the recording So safety is my utmost priority.
We cannot we cannot do deep personal work if we don't feel regulated right if we don't feel calm if we don't feel safe.
So I'm going to go ahead and do that Deep personal work if we don't feel regulated right if we don't feel calm if we don't feel safe in this moment.
So,
And by the way,
The recordings will be on my teacher profile in about a week.
So for those of you who are asking.
So that's why I begin every practice I lead with an anchoring into a sense of safety.
So felt sense of safety,
Either in your body or if that's not accessible either anchoring into something in your environment that feels like it evokes feelings of Pleasantness and safety and we're going to be returning to that place.
If anything feels overwhelming right so so I'm just going to do an overview really quickly of what we're going to be doing in the practice so that you can assess your readiness for participating either now.
Or maybe with a recording later or of course doing Meg.
No,
You're not too late.
You missed the explanation part,
But you're getting to the juicy part.
So,
Um,
You want to look at my earrings.
Thanks.
It's okay if you if you all are late,
We're gonna we're just going to dive into the practice and then this is being recorded so you can catch it on my teacher profile within the week if you want to catch up on on the explanation before Okay,
So we're going to anchor into safety.
And then what I'll invite you to do if you feel ready in this moment is to imagine vividly in your mind and body a A situation that happened relatively recently in which you felt triggered and I mean a moderate trigger I don't want you to pick something that's traumatic in the least like Or you could say an irritation anything that maybe irritated you or triggered you moderately like I shared the example of like my daughter's whining just like Getting to me like getting in my bones and making me angry right something like that where your reaction might feel disproportionate to the event,
Even though I don't believe in disproportionate reactions because we react in proportion to our lived experience right but that's another point.
So anyway,
Pick something that you had an over the top reaction to quote unquote And then what the invitation will be then at that point is to really get clear about what body we're going to explore what were the body sensations in that moment.
Of being triggered right and then what were the emotions in that moment and we're really going to name and get crystal clear about what was real for you there.
And that that makes what I call a feeling constellation like a sensation and emotion and then what the invitation will be is to and just intuitively first impression.
Ask your psyche to show you what an early age in your life was or maybe even a specific memory in which you experience something similar.
And then we're going to be doing some different very intimate inner child work mostly validating the feelings of that of yourself at that time.
And if it's not a child aspect of you that's perfect as well,
Maybe it's a teenage self or even a young adult self at any age is fine.
But for most people,
It is a child aspect of a certain age and we're going to be doing some deep validation and witnessing of what really happened.
And that's where some grief might show up for you.
So if you need some Kleenex or water like a lot of people cry during my work.
Sometimes people tell me people who haven't cried in years cry with me.
It's like people say like I've been crying for years.
So don't be surprised.
And by the way,
I cry too.
I often cry on these inside timer lives.
If you're with me a couple weeks ago,
I actually like I cried a lot.
So I might be with you.
And and then we're going to Renee says,
Yes,
Grab Kleenex even if you don't think you'll need it.
And remember,
For me,
Crying isn't bad at all.
Right.
Like my whole mission on the planet is to is to help everyone connect with their full spectrum of feeling without any shame.
Like,
It's not shameful.
It just means that something's true for you when we cry.
It's a release of unresolved energy.
And what's shameful about that,
You know,
When we cry,
We're not going to be able to feel that.
It's a release of unresolved energy.
And what's shameful about that,
You know,
When we cry,
We're just releasing unresolved energy and we're allowing ourselves to be reborn.
One of my teachers says,
We can't we can't transform without grief.
Like grief is actually the prerequisite for being reborn.
We have to grieve our unmet needs.
We have to grieve our unseen pain.
So Yeah,
And me,
That means that that vulnerability is in your shadow.
And that's completely okay and understandable based on what you've been through.
Yeah.
Yeah,
Okay.
So assess your readiness for doing this today.
And all of you who know my lives know that I stay after the hour.
So I will always stay At least 15 minutes after the hour up to respond to anyone who needs extra support or to answer any questions.
So Yeah,
Yeah,
Man.
Grief is good grief means progress grief means you're growing.
Yeah.
But I know it's hard.
It's really,
Really,
Really hard to grieve as well.
Right.
All right.
So If you so maybe you're doing this practice with us today.
Maybe you're listening.
Anything is great.
Anything is perfect.
Any level of participation is great.
So and again,
This is being recorded.
So if you don't feel ready now and you want to do it later.
That's possible for you.
Joe anger is also great.
So anger is a normal healthy physiological response.
Right.
So we can't choose if our body gets angry,
But we can choose how to act in given that right,
We can choose how we act out of it.
Anger is a completely healthy part of yourself.
It means that your body is detecting a threat and you're you want to fight it.
And that's healthy,
Healthy part of the nervous system.
Okay.
And Diane,
If it gets too overwhelming.
So I mentioned earlier,
I will always start the practice including today with an anchoring into a felt sense of safety.
That you can return to at any point if anything feels overwhelming.
Okay.
But know that that safety.
I don't offer that as a way to stop you from feeling I offer that as a way to just help regulate yourself.
A lot of us in this culture are incredibly scared of intense feeling.
And that's okay,
We we have been raised in a way that we haven't built the capacity to hold that charge in our body and that's okay.
So it means that if if you feel very overwhelmed,
It tells you a lot of information about your nervous system capacity to hold charge and how your vulnerability is part of your shadow if if you if you have a history of anxiety attacks panic attacks PTSD.
Definitely,
If you want to practice today just kind of dip your toe in.
It's very rare for folks to experience panic or those kind of attacks during my work,
But it has happened so just assess if that's part of your history and how you might want to just take it really slow or maybe just do part of the practice or wait or not do it at all.
Okay,
So let's get started.
So it'll we're probably going to run a little bit over the hour with the practice itself.
So I hope that that's okay for you,
But not much more because I really value your time.
It usually takes about 15 or 20 minutes.
And again,
I'm staying after to help support or respond to questions so Alright,
Excuse me.
So go ahead and if you're not already make yourself even more comfortable where you are.
A lot of people enjoy lying down for this work or just being really comfortably seated.
Let go of any idea of sitting a certain way or having any kind of rigid meditative correct posture.
That's not what we're doing today.
So let's get started.
Your comfort is the absolute priority here.
So so once you arrive there,
What we're going to be doing now is really looking for or inquiring within yourself and if you like you can close your eyes by the way.
If there were a place in your own body that felt safe,
Neutral or less bad.
What would that be?
And take some deep breaths and really just ask yourself,
Ask your body to show you that place.
For some of you,
That's not what you're looking for.
For some people,
It's their hair or maybe their left toe.
Or your back body.
Maybe you tune into the strength of your back.
Or maybe the warm pulsing feeling in your hands.
Breathing and asking your body to show you that place.
And if this feels really inaccessible for this place of safety or neutrality to be within your body,
I invite you to look into your environment now and locate an object that you feel comfortable with.
I invite you to look into your environment now and locate an object that feels like it evokes pleasant sensation or neutral sensation in your body.
So maybe some flowers or a piece of art or a crystal that you like,
Like something like that.
And while you're here either with this place within you or outside of you,
Go ahead and do your best to name the body sensation that you feel here.
So if it were my back,
I would say like supportus,
Strong.
If it's my hands,
I say like warmth.
And really breathe in and allow that sensation to amplify now.
Inviting that sensation to get as big as it naturally wants to get.
So maybe that warmth in your hands is starting to radiate up your arms or even into your chest.
And do your best to allow this to be amplified,
To be big,
To take up your body.
Or if you're looking outside of yourself at a piece of art,
Maybe that evokes just this feeling of calm in you.
So just amplify that.
And so what we're going to call this place is your anchor of safety.
And you can return to the specific sensation at any point in your life,
Right?
If things get overwhelming,
But also today in the practice of anything feels too much.
I really want you to consider coming back,
Disregarding what I'm saying and just come back to this anchor of safety within yourself and breathe and amplify it.
All right.
This is a refuge within yourself.
Anytime you feel some anxiety coming on or too much anxiety,
You can just come back to this place.
Anytime you feel some anxiety coming on or too muchness,
This is a place that is available to you and yourself.
Okay.
And the invitation now in our next step here is to really invite your imagination to show you a recent or fairly recent event in your life,
Where you noticed yourself having a really strong emotional reaction to something that was happening.
You might say a trigger,
A moderate trigger.
And again,
Don't make this a traumatic event.
It could be road rage.
It could be a minor irritation.
It could be your kids whining,
Something that just gives you this moderate trigger.
So really now,
As you identify what that might be for you,
Really see,
Sense and feel yourself there right now.
Bring yourself back to that time and place.
And if you're feeling overwhelmed by this already,
Choose something that's less triggering for you,
Right?
Something like a minor irritation.
We don't want this to be too much.
Okay.
And that does says I was feeling myself getting triggered when the program wasn't moving along and I'm a lot like this in daily life,
Anger,
Rising,
And I'm not feeling it.
Mother not feeling like TV is going to take off any day soon and I have anxiety.
Yeah.
So Annette,
I would just do your best to,
And this goes for everyone.
Whatever is coming up for you.
How you want to be,
But just that this is what's coming up for you and that's okay.
There's no wrong way to feel here.
Whatever is coming up is fine,
Is perfect and in alignment with your lived experience because this is how you learn to be.
And shadow work is always uncomfortable for people.
It's part of its definition,
Right?
Yeah.
And there are some of you who can't sit still and that's absolutely natural.
What you're seeing is your conditioning coming up and trying to protect you from your own vulnerability because our body wants to keep us safe,
Right?
So it's distracting you.
It's a form of resistance and that's okay.
So just say,
Yes,
This is what's happening for me.
See if the movement feels good and productive and like expressive.
You can do it if it feels like it's distracting and a form of resistance.
Just see if you can invite a little bit more stillness,
Just maybe a little bit more,
But you don't have to stop moving,
Right?
Just a little bit more.
All right.
So we're really inviting this time and place back into our mind to whatever extent feels accessible for you for now.
And now I invite you to get curious as you're really landing back in your body at this triggering place in time.
What are the body sensations that are real for you in this moment?
For example,
Do you feel your heart rate rising?
Do you feel a heat?
Do you feel frozen?
Do you feel rage or sadness or name?
I know I was naming emotions too,
But maybe there's a stuckness or a rigidity in your body tension in a certain place.
Just name what you feel knowing that absolutely everything is okay.
There's no wrong way to feel.
Yeah.
And then once you've named a body sensation,
Some of you are there already name an emotion or maybe many emotions that are there.
Some of you say disgust,
Fear,
Overwhelm.
Yeah.
And just acknowledging like,
Yes,
These are here.
It's okay that they're here.
Yes,
These are here.
Renee says throat constricted,
Like I can't swallow or speak.
Yeah.
That's a very clear body,
Very common body sensation to have.
Jim says sadness.
Yeah.
So now really allowing yourself to perceive this whole constellation of feeling and body sensation as a kind of bookmark.
This is a emotional feeling bookmark.
It's a particular signature in your body.
And now just take a breath and we're going to go with your first impression.
Whatever you see,
Sense or feel,
Ask your psyche now to show you an earlier time in your life or an age that you were when you felt a similar constellation of feeling of emotion and body sensation.
How old were you?
Yeah.
Maybe a few of you have a specific memory,
Although that's more rare.
Maybe you know who you were with.
So really allow yourself now to get clear on how old were you when you felt this before?
Or where were you?
Who were you with?
Yeah.
And just breathe.
This may be surprising.
It may feel unrelated and that's okay.
Or you,
I should say you might think it's unrelated or even trivial,
But I assure you it's not in many years of doing this work.
I have never had someone do this wrong.
Going with whatever you saw as a first impression.
And we're going to switch gears here.
So keeping in mind what you saw,
Now I would like each and every one of you to really feel yourself see sense and feel yourself standing tall as the strongest version,
Most compassionate version of your adult self.
So feel in your body what it's like to stand tall,
Even if you're seated or lying down,
Have that tall spine that you can handle your life.
Like even if you don't really feel that way,
Kind of as if do as if you could handle your life,
Right?
How would it feel to stand tall as this adult?
And now really feeling this way in your body.
See this child or younger version of you across from you now.
So it's like you've dropped into that scene where you're now observing your witnessing what was happening at that time and place earlier in your life.
And it's very important now that you keep a respectful distance and you do not run to them or hug them or tell them anything.
Because this is a very delicate moment and we need everything to happen on their terms.
We need everything now to happen on your younger selves terms because that's what didn't happen back then.
We need to give them the agency here.
So all you're going to do now is simply witness really look at them now.
What is their body language like?
Name what you see.
Are they hunched over?
Are they in a corner?
Are they alone or with someone else?
Really notice what is their body language?
And notice now what are they feeling?
What emotions are they feeling in this situation?
Or at this age?
Name what you notice.
Can you look them in the eyes or do they would they rather look away and that's perfect too.
So either looking in their eyes or looking at them.
What do you really see in their eyes or in their body language?
What do you really see there?
Name that.
Is there anything that this younger version of you is trying not to feel?
What are they trying not to feel?
Name that.
And really breathe into what you have seen.
This might be very difficult to acknowledge about your history.
So just feeling now into what is it like for you to be seeing this about what really happened and how your younger self was really feeling.
So now we're going to be saying a few things to our younger self.
Namely we're going to be validating what we see.
We're not telling them what we want to tell them because that would be a boundary violation.
It's not what they need right?
That's what we need.
We're going to simply mirror back what we see them feeling.
For example,
I see that you're all alone or I see that you are defeated or in despair.
So just take a minute now and repeat back a few sentences of validation to them.
I see you.
I see that you're hurting so much.
And finish up now with one more validation.
Breathing into your adult body,
Just recognizing how you're feeling as an adult doing this validation.
Sometimes very intense.
Recognizing that at any point you can access again that anchor of safety that we tuned into at the beginning of the practice.
And now we're going to ask them a very important question and just go with whatever the first impression is knowing that if they don't have an answer,
Just continue to validate what you see.
The question is,
What do you really need?
What do you really need?
If they answer something like love or protection,
Something general like that,
Ask a follow up question like,
How would you love for me to show you love right now?
Because now you're going to see sense and feel yourself meeting that need for them.
If they seem aggressive toward you,
If they don't want anything to do with you,
Your job is just to validate that like,
It's okay if you're angry with me,
You don't have to trust me.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.
It's okay if you hate me.
It's okay if you're angry with me,
Just keep validating.
But if they're comfortable,
If they feel comfortable with you meeting that need,
You're seeing,
Sensing and feeling yourself meeting it for them now.
Breathing,
Feeling how it is for you as an adult to be meeting this need for them,
Knowing it might be uncomfortable,
That's okay.
Yeah.
Tuning in now asking them,
Is there anything else that you need before we're complete today?
Anything else that's needed for this encounter to feel complete?
Remember that they have to give you the answer.
It's not about what you want to do with them.
If they give you an answer,
You can again see sense and feel yourself meeting that need,
Or just continuing to validate.
Wrapping it up now with them.
And now really telepathically tuning in,
Into them and asking them if they would like to come back with you as your consciousness transitions back to this reality that we're in.
Would they like to come with you or would they like to stay there?
Either way is 100% okay.
Just go with what feels most natural for them.
If they'd like to come back with you,
You might,
If it feels nourishing,
Place one or both hands on your heart and just really feel now how they're right here.
They're right here with you.
They're here in your body.
They're here in your heart.
This part of you,
This precious vulnerable part of yourself has always been here and will always be here.
It's just a matter of acknowledging it or not breathing and acknowledging that they're right here.
No matter if you're consciously visiting them or not,
They're always here and they always have been here.
Your precious vulnerable heart.
The heart that could not be seen when you were younger for all that it is.
And that you are seeing this now.
Alright,
When this feels complete,
Just knowing that they're right here with you,
They always have been,
They always will be.
Go ahead and open your eyes and bring yourself back if you were inward and you might take some deepening breaths and look around your space.
And just really assess how you're doing right now.
Like make yourself comfortable,
Get some water knowing that I'm going to be here for at least 10 more minutes,
No matter,
Depending on what's needed.
So I would love to stay to offer some extra support or answer questions for people now but really just,
You just did something that was very,
Very profound and probably difficult.
So really honor the slowness of coming back from that.
Okay,
There were a few questions here.
Yeah,
Lots of tears.
So if you want to do more shadow work,
So there was a question about that.
I have tons of guided shadow work meditations that are longer than this on my teacher profile here on insight timer.
So if you just go to search for my name on insight timer homepage,
Search,
Go to my teacher profile,
You'll see all my meditations.
And if you go to the homepage and insight timer and look for the circle icon,
Click on that and then search for shadow work and you'll find our shadow work circle,
Which is our community here.
Okay,
So Loretta says,
How can I reassure my inner child?
Here's my question for you.
Do you want her to feel better?
Or do you just want to be present for her?
I don't want you to make her feel better.
I want you to be present for her.
Do you get that distinction?
Because here's what happens when we try and make someone or ourselves feel better.
We're actually gaslighting ourselves.
We're not really allowing the full wave of the feeling to crest and then fall naturally,
Which keeps it stuck in our system.
Now if somebody is feeling dysregulated,
Right,
If they're not just feeling a lot of emotion,
If your nervous system feels dysregulated,
If you feel really anxious,
Or in survival mode or you're having physiological responses like that,
That your system has,
Then I want you to return to that anchor of safety and just breathe into that.
I hope that it makes sense how that's different from trying to feel better.
You're helping your system to regulate and honoring every step of the way versus trying to mask and say it's it don't feel that way.
Rebecca,
We're not telling our child self to react differently or change in any way.
That is gaslighting.
And that's abusive.
And we're not here to do that to ourselves.
We're here to be unconditionally present.
So as,
As Carl Jung said,
What we resist persists.
And what we what we try and push away stays stuck in our system,
It stays stuck in our bodies.
And we know this now from cutting edge research in neurophysiology and in trauma,
Trauma research is that when we when we stop trying when we try not to feel something,
It stays stuck and it shows up in our life,
It shows up as health issues,
It shows up as mental health issues,
Like there's a lot of research about this now.
So we need to feel things all the way like feelings are a tunnel,
You need to go through them to get to the other side.
We live in a toxic positive culture,
Especially here in the United States of toxic positivity.
We also are deeply mentally unhealthy because of it.
And physically unhealthy.
Yeah.
All right,
There's lots of comments here.
Let me scroll back.
Now,
This is really important.
You say I kept leaving my body and going into my head often is that normal?
Absolutely,
That is normal.
It's called dissociation.
It's a trauma response.
And it's because your body which includes your emotions,
Feels unsafe to stay in.
And so we hop up to our head.
This is like,
It's kind of like who doesn't do this,
Right?
We live in a dissociated culture.
So you're not alone.
Like,
You are not alone.
Nellie,
I hope that that was helpful.
You're not alone.
Okay.
And remember everyone that this is being recorded to so if you wanted to go back if you missed any part,
If you came in late,
This is going to be within the week appearing on my teacher profile on insight timer.
But make sure to follow me as a teacher if you don't already to be notified when when it will pop up there exactly.
So M,
I think you said something like,
What does it mean to be unconditionally present?
Here's what I mean.
So what it means to be unconditionally present is imagine the most amazing,
Beautiful,
Deeply loving grandmother.
And this deeply loving grandmother is watching a toddler playing.
And she has her whole life behind her.
And all she knows that the only thing that matters is loving and is being present.
And everything that toddler does,
She just kind of laughs at and says,
Like,
Wonderful.
Wonderful.
That's what I mean by unconditional presence.
Thank you all so much for your donations.
If you found this powerful today.
Donating is a great way to communicate that with me or reviewing any of my meditations on insight timer is such an important powerful way to,
To communicate if this is powerful for you,
If any of those are powerful.
So okay,
So really important thing is rel says,
If I'm interested in the research on neglecting feelings,
What should I search to find rel I have the most amazing book for you that's going to change your life.
Thank you for your donations,
Everyone.
Thank you.
The book is called adult children of emotionally immature parents.
It is by Dr.
Lindsay Gibson.
Adult children of emotionally immature parents by Lindsay Gibson.
This is a book that will be so deeply validating,
You're not going to believe it,
You're going to like see your child and be like,
Oh,
That because a lot of us grow up.
I'll say it again,
Adult children of emotionally immature parents by Lindsay Gibson.
So a lot of us grow up being deeply unhappy or struggling with anxiety or depression or even suicidality.
And we don't know why because we think we had a happy childhood.
We don't know why because like our needs,
Our physical needs were mad or we weren't hit or even maybe yelled at,
Right.
And yet we're adults who are deeply unhappy.
And the reason for this is emotional neglect.
Emotional neglect is endemic to our culture.
It's not seen or discussed except very rarely.
And it is traumatic.
It's traumatic to our system.
It embeds a deep sense of unsafety in our nervous system.
Because I could lecture about this forever because I'm a huge nervous system nerd.
But the mammalian system is wired for co regulation,
We're wired to get signals from the facial expressions from the eyes from the mouth of the people in our families to signal safety.
And when we don't see that safety being signaled,
Our body goes into a chronic threat response,
Which has all kinds of implications for mental health and physical health.
Stephen porges is who I learned all that from he is the expert on polyvagal theory,
Which is the emerging revolutionary view of physiology and how our physiology shapes how we experience reality.
Physiology meaning like our felt sense in our bodies of if we are safe or not,
Basically,
If our feelings of safety in our body are there,
We're able to be calm,
We're able to regulate ourselves,
We're able to connect and have intimacy with other people.
If we're in if our bodies grew up in a situation of chronic threat,
Which includes emotional neglect,
If we're emotionally neglected,
We had a chronic feeling felt sense of unsafe to even if we were told we were safe,
Even if we grew up in a wealthy family with all our needs,
Actually,
Especially sometimes,
Wealthy families can be really unsafe feeling because there's such deep emotional neglect.
But this is the cutting edge.
This is one of the reasons I dropped out of school for counseling psychology is because this wasn't any none of this was included in the program because it's cutting edge.
Academic psychology has not caught up with the science yet.
And it's not even woo woo it is science.
It is neurophysiology and polyvagal theory from Stephen porges if you're curious.
All right.
All right.
I'm so glad that I'm seeing so much that so many folks found this helpful,
Grateful.
Johanna said I feel like my current emotional state influenced my inner child.
Usually she's angry this time she was just lost and sad is it still authentic?
Johanna?
Do you think?
Do you think it's authentic?
I mean,
Maybe,
Maybe,
Maybe your current state influenced her.
But my question for you is why is that a bad thing?
Like what needs to be seen showed up to be seen?
See if you can love that too.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
So the book again about emotional neglect is adult children of emotionally immature parents by Dr.
Lindsay Gibson.
As a relative poly bagel theory.
That is hilarious.
I love that.
All right.
I know that I didn't get to everyone's question.
Because especially after the practice a lot came up.
So if you don't mind,
And I didn't get a chance to to address your question,
If you wouldn't mind writing it again,
I'll be happy to respond to it now.
Yeah,
Johanna.
Yeah,
Of course we overthink especially as trauma survivors,
Right?
This is the safe place.
So of course we overthink and overanalyze things.
The most the most viral Instagram post I ever made was one that I just said,
Analyzing people is a trauma response.
So I feel like there's a lot of folks that relate to that.
Because if we're if we're analyzing people,
It means that we're basically scanning other people for is this person safe or not?
Like is this person?
Okay,
Are they?
Are they going to be a threat to me?
That's really what analysis is.
Okay.
Yeah.
Oh,
Linda says,
What crystal are your earrings and necklace?
I got these.
These are locally made here in the Seattle area.
These are just quartz and this is a hercimer diamond,
Which isn't actually a diamond because I could not afford this diamond.
Hercimer diamond is a beautiful,
Naturally terminated quartz.
It's a form of quartz.
It's from pound jewelry.
Pound jewelry,
By the way,
Amazing online jewelry store,
Really intentional,
Beautiful pieces.
Okay,
Meg says,
Thanks for that question,
Linda.
Sometimes it's fun to talk about light stuff like that too.
It's necessary to balance it.
Alright,
So Meg says,
Does our triggering situation have to have the exact same emotion as the emotion memory?
No,
It doesn't.
That's why I say like a similar feeling constellation.
It's not going to be the exact same thing.
And then you say also is it possible the memory wasn't real?
Sure.
Like,
I mean,
Memory is like the research shows that we can't rely on memory,
Right?
But okay,
Lots of comments coming up.
Let me stay on my train of thought here.
So it's possible memory wasn't real.
But I encourage you to just wonder like,
Even if it wasn't real,
Like,
Does it feel important in your body or your body will tell you if it's real or not,
Right?
So our memories,
Our minds sometimes can show us things that didn't really happen.
But our body never lies,
Right?
Our body does not lie.
Like I have yet to experience anyone doing this work,
Who has a body sensation that wasn't real,
Your body will tell you what happened.
But also,
It's really important to note that now we know from contemporary somatic trauma healing and research,
We don't have to go back to the memory to heal the trauma.
You don't have to experience it over again.
In fact,
It's counterproductive,
And re triggering often to go back to the trauma itself,
And work directly with the trauma.
So I would say just focus on the body sensation.
And by the way,
If you all want a written version of the process that we just did,
I have one and it's my ebook,
It's available for free.
If you just go to my insight timer profile page as a teacher,
And then click on the link tree that's there,
You'll see free ebook.
It's called the step by step beginner's guide to shadow work.
And you'll see this whole process I just led you through written out in detail.
So you can always just go there sign up for it'll come to your email inbox,
And you'll have it in writing.
Okay.
Lots of lots of comments here.
Okay.
Renee,
It's not wrong to scan or analyze other people.
It's just what your mind does because you're you don't feel safe with people.
And that's perfectly fine.
Because it's what you did as a brilliant survival adaptation when you were younger.
Like it's there's nothing wrong here.
It's not wrong to analyze other people.
It's just it just gives you information for what you've been through in your life.
Melissa says Why do I feel Pollyanna all the time?
Does Pollyanna mean that you're like positively thinking,
And it feels like you're painting over things instead of really feeling them?
I would ask yourself the question,
This is my favorite question ever,
What am I trying not to feel?
And see what comes up for you.
If you feel Pollyanna,
Ask yourself sincerely,
What am I trying not to feel?
I asked myself this question multiple times a day,
Everyone like this is my favorite shadow work question.
What am I trying not to feel?
Joe,
You say is it possible for me to come to terms with my family after so much emotional abuse that they still use today?
So I would tune into your body right now.
Is it in my highest good to come to terms with my family right now?
Or is it something I'm doing to reduce conflict?
If your family is still using emotional abuse,
I think a lot of people would choose not to have contact with their families.
And it's also complicated,
Right?
So that's completely up to you.
But I would go by what your body tells you does does your body contract when you think of here's a better way to think about it.
When you think about coming to terms with your family,
Does your body contract or do you feel open and expansive?
If your body contracts,
That is a no.
And if you feel open,
It's a yes.
I have a whole podcast episode called the magic.
Yes,
About this,
But how to differentiate.
So my podcast,
Most of the episodes are on insight timer.
The magic Yes.
So do a body check.
And this goes for everyone.
If you're if you're having trouble deciding what to do,
Feel into your body,
Imagine that situation happening.
And notice if you feel contracted or expansive,
That will tell you.
Carrie,
I'm not against EMDR at all.
No,
Like,
No.
If someone is doing EMDR with a therapist with a qualified therapist,
And they have support that can be helpful.
I'm not against anything people do that's genuinely deeply helpful for them.
That's completely up to you.
And there's so many ways to heal trauma.
So no EMDR is really helpful for a lot of people.
Yeah.
All right,
Let me just see about other comments here.
Yeah,
Okay.
All right.
So Cheryl,
This is really important.
You say I don't want to scan or analyze people I want to accept no matter what that is proven not to be a good idea.
Absolutely.
Right.
So sometimes we like,
So I'm not against I'm not against discernment.
Like,
Discernment is what we need to have to actually keep ourselves safe.
Right.
So what I'm talking about when I say scan or analyze people is something I used to do constantly,
For example,
Is whenever I would go into a room,
My focus would not be on how I'm feeling,
Feeling or what I need or want.
It would be on,
Oh,
That person has bad energy.
Oh,
And that person,
Oh,
They have trauma,
What kind of trauma,
Oh,
They have this kind of because I can,
I used to be able to just well I can still but I just turn it off.
I can sense what kind of people what kind of trauma people have,
Generally speaking.
So I used to have that be my focus,
I would just analyze,
Analyze,
Analyze,
And people were freaked out by it.
And a lot of my career initially was based on that gift that I have.
But I developed that gift,
Because my dad has what used to be known as Asperger's,
My dad is flat affect and was abusive.
So I learned to grow up having an uncanny sense of pattern recognition about how someone's going to react if I can't detect what so I developed a superpower about being able to read people as I'm sure many of you did to in your own ways.
And that disconnected me from my own inner compass,
It disconnected me from my own experience,
It disconnected me from my authenticity and my truth,
So that I went into a career that ended up giving me a high functioning depression,
Right?
Like,
And I was saying at the beginning of the live,
Like I used to be really intimidating to people and judgmental and because I was disconnected from myself.
That was all part of the symptomology of growing up in the way I did.
So that's what I mean by like,
Analyzing and scanning other people.
I don't mean just plain old smart discernment.
That's what we need.
Yeah.
All right.
And so Renee says,
If a person like a family member shuts you out,
And you are trying to make sense of it,
Is it safer to self protect and not to connect or attempt to communicate seems like they are dissociating?
Yeah,
Trust your body,
Trust your own body.
So again,
Renee,
Like,
Use the body check method.
When you imagine,
For example,
Reconnecting or reaching out to this person who's shutting you out,
Does your body contract?
Does it feel like or does it feel like reaching out to them would be an open expansive thing?
And,
Yeah,
Maybe they're dissociating,
But that's on them,
Right?
Like your responsibilities,
Your own feelings and reactions.
They can do what they need to do.
But part of growing and emotional maturity is leaving other people's feelings to them and taking full responsibility for full responsibility for yourself,
Of course,
Acting compassionately and empathically,
Right?
But not,
Not changing your behavior in order to elicit a feeling from them,
Right?
That's manipulation.
All right.
So any other final questions before I have to get going and get back to my baby and my husband?
Any other final questions or thoughts?
And Joe,
You say you're trying to donate but can't remember your password.
You can always donate after the fact on my profile page,
By the way.
So if it's not working out right now,
You can donate later.
And thank you again,
Everyone for your donations.
Yeah,
Thank you so much.
And thank you so much for being here for participating today.
If that was right for you.
Thank you so much.
Renee,
How do we stop manipulating others?
Do your shadow work?
Because when we're manipulating other people,
It means that we're not comfortable asking for our needs to be met directly.
So we've learned to do it indirectly,
Right?
So doing your shadow work,
And using a technique like nonviolent communication will help you learn to ask for your needs to be met directly so that you're not manipulating people into getting your needs met.
Yeah.
Thank you,
Johanna so much.
And Meg,
I'm so glad you're here doing shadow work.
Yay.
It's always my goal offering these these kind of intro lives every few months to get to introduce folks and spread the word of this really beautiful way to connect to yourself and thus connect to other people.
Because remember that we can only meet people as far as we've met ourselves.
You can only connect to other people as deeply as you've connected to yourself.
You can only love other people as deeply as you love yourself.
So when we do this work within,
We could we create a more compassionate life for ourselves and we're connected and intimate life and a more connected,
Compassionate and intimate world.
Yeah.
So if you came in late,
Again,
Remember this is going to be this is recorded and we're right about to sign out for today.
But this is going to appear this recording will appear on my teacher profile within the week.
Make sure to follow me as a teacher and insight timer if you don't already to know when I put new things out,
Which I do often.
And I go live every couple of weeks to it was like every week for the last couple of weeks.
Just worked out that way.
But usually about every couple of weeks I'm here live,
Talking and guiding and answering questions.
And yeah,
Always feel free to reach out to me.
Yeah,
The best way is to go to my site,
Which you can go to,
You know,
My teacher profile page and click on the links there and you'll find my email address somewhere in there.
But if you ever need extra support,
Or you just want to reach out,
That's always an option to.
All right.
So for those of you who join later,
Remember that this is recorded and you can go in and maybe your questions will be answered there.
Yeah.
Short answer is yes,
Listen to your gut feeling and let go.
It's a good,
Good way to do it.
All right.
Thank you everyone so much.
So much love to all of you.
And I will see you in our shadow work circle here on insight timer.
And I'll see you at our next live.
Have such a beautiful day evening wherever you're at.
Love,
Love,
Love to everyone.
