How To Discern Boundaries - Insight Timer Live

In this recording of an Insight Timer Live from December 2021, Catherine shares how to discern where boundaries are needed in our relationships. Along the way, she leads two somatic explorations to discover how your body signals the need for boundaries, and how we can translate this innate wisdom into practical communication.

Transcript

Welcome everybody to our very important topic today,

How to discern boundaries,

How to discern boundaries with family,

How to discern boundaries with friendships or whoever in your life you feel called to do this with.

And this is a topic that is so essential to being a human being.

And yet,

Is so difficult.

And I'm really excited and honored to be sharing it and speaking about it with with all of you today.

So we're going to be doing a talk so sharing about boundaries a little bit and my understanding of boundaries and how we can set boundaries and then we're going to be doing a practice pretty soon here where I really want to empower you with tools to find boundary discernment within yourself.

Be able to tell who you need to set a boundary within your life,

For example,

With confidence,

And then also be able to and this is often difficult,

Stick to that boundary.

If it is a true boundary.

So my understanding of boundary comes very closely from a book that I absolutely love and you've probably heard me mention it before and it's called how to be an adult by David Rico R I C H O.

If somebody could write that down,

That'd be awesome.

How to be an adult by David Rico R I C H O.

It's a very small little book and by the way,

It's not how to be an adult in relationship.

That's a different book.

How to be an adult by David Rico and his understanding of boundary really turned it on its head for me in a really powerful way and that is that boundaries are not a barrier or a defense that we set up before us or between us and other people.

It's quite the opposite boundaries are radical connection to our own authentic feelings,

Needs and desires and expressing those feelings,

Needs and desires.

With others in our life and that's what setting a boundary means.

So it's connection to yourself.

So first knowing what are my authentic feelings,

Needs and desires here with this person with myself in this place and time and then expressing that and sticking to that truth.

That's what a boundary is.

The boundaries for me are so much more about connection than they are about disconnection,

Connection to yourself and then only when we connect to ourselves,

Can we be in true connection to others.

And I think many of you probably are familiar with my talk,

My live recording on insight time are called codependency and loneliness.

It's like a featured one on my teacher profile and I talk in great detail about this there too.

Because there's a problem that many that most of us have in doing this right so it might be easy to say you know just just connect to and express your authentic feelings,

Needs and desires in your relationships right like what could be so hard about that.

Well here's why it's hard.

It's hard because we all to varying extents grew up with this messaging either explicitly or implicitly that we could not both have our authentic feelings needs and desires and be loved at the same time.

That there is some kind of a compromise that needs to happen there.

And for some of us this was much more acute than for others but all of us have it to us to some extent that we couldn't be our whole selves and be accepted at the same time right this is just another way to put it.

And so,

Depending on how much you learn to censor yourself as a kid boundaries are going to be challenging for you to that extent.

To just sit with yourselves for a moment and feel into how that might be true for you like did you need to censor your bigness your big feelings your,

Your know.

In order to get acceptance from your caregivers growing up.

Amanda says I learned only one person could have their needs at a time yeah I think that's really common.

And that's also not true.

And Amy says yeah I feel selfish taking care of my health and not going to this funeral yeah fear of rejection being annihilated by owning my reality that's really that goes really deep yeah.

Being annihilated by owning my reality.

I think that's such a beautiful way to phrase what most of us have to some extent within us this fear.

That if we don't compromise our boundaries.

We won't be accepted.

We won't be loved and to a human being who is a deeply,

Deeply socially dependent creature that does mean annihilation and disconnection from the people we love means annihilation it means we're left alone in the woods and human beings can't really fend we're not built to be able to do that.

We need our community just as much as we need food and water.

Yeah.

And someone else says my mother was always quote unquote right therefore everyone else was wrong yeah so you couldn't have your own reality so how can you possibly discern your boundaries and your adult relationships if you're if you can't discern your own reality right if you had to put that underground.

And Andrew says I was taught that my needs could only be met and expressed after I met those of others yeah totally.

So when we look back at our childhood and how we learned that about how much of us we could express and get love at the same time like when we look back at that you're going to see the blueprint for your adult relationships right there laid very bare before you.

This is not complicated really we only learn once how to be human and then we unpack that and we heal ourselves and keep learning right as an adult.

Yeah.

So bound or boundary work I believe of course as a shadow work teacher of course I believe boundary work is shadow work because we must connect to our own authentic feelings needs and desires to be able to set true boundaries and keep those boundaries.

But most of us have submerged these so thoroughly in us that we need to do shadow work in order to find those to begin with because remember that shadow shadow just means the authentic parts of our wholeness that we had to censor deny minimize or repress growing up in order to get approval.

That's the connection here.

That's why I believe boundary work is shadow work.

So yeah and those of you who know my work also know that the kind of shadow work that I teach is very very embodied which is unique as far as I know.

So we're not going to be in our practice today we're not going to be thinking about things thinking about our feelings we're going to be feeling them very directly somatically in the body itself.

So I want to start with an experiment with an embodied practice and I like to call it an experiment because there's no right or wrong and there's no trajectory that we're going for here.

I'd like you all to bring to mind somebody who you suspect you need to set a boundary with and if you're here and you're listening to this today I bet you have at least one person in mind.

So go ahead and just get comfortable and if you like you can close your eyes if that helps your imagination be vivid you can close your eyes or just keep them open as you first just really perceive your body here the weight of your body.

Your breath.

And what we're going to be doing now the invitation if you feel like you want to participate is we're going to be going to ask you in a moment invite you to bring this person in and you're going to be able to do that.

And what we're going to be doing now the invitation if you feel like you want to participate is we're going to be going to ask you in a moment invite you to bring this person or these people into your mind's eye maybe just one person just for clarity sake.

And then we're going to be paying very exquisite attention to what our body sensations are in that person's presence.

That's the invitation for now and then we're going to come out of it's very brief.

So.

Let's just do that and see what happens okay so either with eyes closed or open.

Imagine now that you are in the presence of this individual that they are in front of you.

And start to get deeply curious about what is my body do in this person's presence.

Does it feel like an opening and moving towards.

Does it feel more like a contraction and moving away from this person.

Does it feel warm or does it feel cold.

In the presence of this person.

Name a few words you might describe these body sensations.

And then when you're done with this brief practice just come out of it shake it off open the eyes that they were closed I'd love to hear in the comments a few observations that you might have.

What your body does in this person's presence so Amy says I melt into nothingness.

Wow.

Krishna says contract your body to the presence of this person.

I melt into nothingness wow.

Krishna says contraction like a snail that's powerful.

Scared not of her but for her slash us so like Sophie it sounds like as if the relationship is at stake you know that love is at stake yeah.

Katya yes it is possible to feel both contraction and strong love for this person in fact.

I know I feel that for some of my family members.

Yeah.

So a lot of people are mentioning tension body tension shoulders.

Shallow breath tightness defensive and as me I would also ask like I just wonder where that defensiveness shows up as body sensation for you like how do you know you feel defensive.

Jude says tense muscles heart palpitations yeah my throat tightens and I want to be close and yet pull away to the cricket.

Absolutely this is very common to feel complexity.

Dan it says it was instant tightness in my sternum breathing slightly more shall we very slight recoil yeah.

Cringing says Liz contraction frustration disgusts as Donna yeah so it sounds like I was pretty clear pretty clear.

Stark says warm but kind of repelled yeah.

Okay as may say feel it you feel a defense as a stiffening in your neck and shoulders yeah yeah.

So.

I love these body checks so body checks for me are that initial way that I discern so we're talking about discernment today right so your body will not lie to you.

Your body will not lie I have been working with people with trauma survivors for many years and I will tell you bodies do not lie bodies do not lie to you.

Your body will not lie I have been working with people with trauma survivors for many years and I will tell you bodies do not lie bodies do not make things up trust your body and oftentimes the struggle that we have with setting boundaries with people.

Is not.

Is not to figure out if if we should like most of us can feel in our body we can feel that contraction we can feel that stiffening we feel the defense right.

That is your sign yes a boundary needs to be set with this person that I'm not setting there's your discernment right there but for most of us it's that next step how how do I do it how do I then keep the boundary.

So I wanted you to really experience right away as part of building your self trust like I want you to experience how much wisdom your body has and that you can do these body checks anytime you're in a you have a question about whether a person or a situation.

Is feel safe to your body because when our bodies feel safe like just imagine a turtle or a snail or an anemone right when animals in our body as an animal right when our animals feel safe we open.

And there's a there's a kind of warmth there so.

If you feel safe with somebody in their presence you will feel open if it's a mixed message like if you feel contraction and drawn to this person if there's any contraction at all you still feel unsafe.

Is that clear to everyone if there's any contraction or complexity at all your body still feels unsafe now I'm not.

I'm not saying that this is absolutely simple.

I'm not saying that if there's any sign of unsafe in your body you need to terminate this relationship or you need to you know give an absolute black and white no that's not what I'm saying here I'm just wanting you to be able to have a tool to connect to your own discernment.

And have that information very quickly for you and yeah it is like a gut instinct well Lisa yeah it's a similar thing.

So you have this information about safety and your body's response to this person right.

So then the question becomes how do you live in integrity with this information.

In other words how do you live in a way and in your relationships where your outsides match your insides.

How do you live in a way that is free or low on resentment.

Because here's what resentment is and I'm sure that if you're if you're tuning into this class you're familiar with the feeling of resentment because what resentment is.

Is it's our body's way of telling us that a boundary has been violated.

It's our body's way of saying hey you didn't stand up for yourself in a way that I needed you to says our body.

So now tune into your resentment just bring bring to mind a situation that you feel resentment for.

Because when you're when you're feeling resentment especially.

Especially if resentment is a very familiar feeling to you if you kind of move through move through the world and a resentful state a lot of the time.

This means that you are creating a state of self-reliance.

And remember that my definition of boundary is expressing your own authentic feelings needs and desires while letting go of the outcome.

I don't think I said that last part before so let me just say that.

Boundary setting boundaries means expressing your authentic feelings needs and desires in your relationships while letting go of the outcome.

In other words when you set a boundary you're not trying to set a boundary you're not trying to set a boundary you're not trying to set a boundary.

Feelings needs and desires in your relationships while letting go of the outcome.

In other words when you set a boundary you're not trying to control somebody else.

You're only speaking from your own feelings needs and desires you're not trying to make someone do something or make them feel a certain way that's called codependency.

Or at worst abuse.

Boundaries let go of the outcome.

And if you're feeling resentment.

That means that you're not expressing your feelings needs and desires and letting go of the outcome right.

And Charlotte you say my eyes look sad today I think that you joined a little bit later but I said that at the very beginning before we started the recording I said I learned half an hour before I started this live that one of my teachers passed Melodoma Somae.

So I've been spending the morning in grief and grief about his passing and feeling the power of what that means for my teaching and that passing of the baton to me in a lot of ways so it's been an intense morning.

So thank you for that empathic reflection my eyes do look sad because there's part of me that is very sad.

Yeah Amy says.

Oh by the way Marcy Melodoma Somae is his name he said he was an elder of the Dogra people of West Africa and he's a very deep inspiring and impactful teacher for me and for much of what I teach here.

And his book by the way is his main book is of water and the spirit ritual magic and initiation in the life of an African shaman absolutely transformative book and beautifully written I highly recommend it.

Especially if you want to know about a version of reality that's very very different and very much more deeply connected to the earth and to one another than what is what we see currently in the world.

Melodoma Somae.

Of water and the spirit yeah thank you those of you who wrote that down.

So Amy asks what is the difference between resentment and anger.

They are very they are very different.

So and resentment is like anger that has been pushed down many times.

Resentment is like stale anger stale repressed anger that has not been channeled through you.

That you've held inside because you thought you needed to do that in order to get or keep love.

That's what resentment is.

It's old anger it's stale anger.

Anger is just the natural feeling that your body has when you need to protect yourself.

Anger is the energy that our mammalian body moves through us when we detect a threat in our environment or with another person.

That's what anger is and yes anger can be an addiction and anger can be a pattern for some of us if we feel anger and it's like oh this again.

This pattern again then you know it's not authentic expression it's become actually the trauma response itself.

It's become the trauma pattern itself.

However anger in itself is absolutely essential to any being.

It's a way of protecting ourselves and it's a natural energy that distances us from threat.

And when we learn how to speak our anger in a productive and healthy and kind way because yes you can speak your anger in a kind way by the way.

Then we live in a way that we're not resentful.

And here's how we can do that.

Are those of you I'm sure there are those of you who are familiar with nonviolent communication here.

Right so nonviolent communication is a method is kind of a for this way of communicating that has four basic phases four basic parts to your communication.

And it's a way of expressing your authentic feeling need desire with a person and it's that's a way to to set a boundary.

So I'll I will tell a little story to it to just illustrate this.

And Amy by the way you discern if anger is an addiction if you find yourself going there again and again and again and it feels like oh this again oh this again instead of like oh I'm releasing something I'm moving something.

Versus the addiction to emotion feels the same every time and.

Yeah that's that's that's the differentiation and please listen to my podcast episode called the inner parent if you want to learn a lot more about how to discern which emotions are addictions and which are healthy expressions and moving and releasing.

So my podcast is tender revolution and the episode is the inner parent and that one is on insight timer some of my podcast episodes are not on insight timer but they're on apple and spotify right.

Yeah so I'll share a story now.

And Lisa I talk about that I talk about how to break addiction to those emotions in that podcast the inner parent my podcast is called tender revolution and it is on insight timer that particular episode.

So I'll share a story that those of you who those of you who are on my email list and have been for at least a few months know this story so I share beautiful little stories of how I break my addiction.

So I share beautiful personal stories I share my juiciest stories on my email newsletters that I send every few weeks.

You can go to my website Catherine leaguet.

Com to sign up for those it's also the link that's on my teacher profile if you go to my teacher profile and about.

You'll see that link Catherine leaguet.

Com that's my website if you want to know about what I do outside of insight timer or sign up for my email newsletter.

I just sent out a newsletter last week with a story about about my marriage but I share about my marriage a lot because my marriage rocks like my husband my husband is amazing and he helps me with emotional intelligence all the time too.

So this is a story that involves him and one way that I express my anger to him and the story is this that probably about six or nine months ago.

You know those of you who know me who know my background know that I have struggled very seriously and acutely with insomnia in the past and so there was one morning where my husband was like I was still sleeping but my husband was like up and walking around and we live in an old house with a creaky floor and.

There were it was early and I heard these floor creaks and they woke me up and I felt really angry about that because I had just gotten to sleep.

And.

And so I walked out to the kitchen all groggy all angry and like when I say I get angry you wouldn't like know it from looking at me because I have such a history of repressing anger but like I was angry inside I could tell.

And I just walked up to him and I just looked at him and I was like so and this this is the four steps of nonviolent communication that I'm modeling.

And I'll explain it later but what I said to him was hey you know I was sleeping I had just gone to sleep and then I heard this creaking on the floor and it woke me up and.

I feel angry about getting woken up I feel angry that you woke me up because I really needed to sleep this morning I got to sleep really really late and so.

Next time would you be willing to just take a different way like not in front of the bedroom door like when you go to the kitchen to get your coffee would you be willing to you know.

Not creek on the floor and be really aware of that and my heart was palpating right like this still even after years of practicing this it's not comfortable right none of this is comfortable and I don't want to make you believe the illusion that it ever gets comfortable.

But it's about being with yourself in the discomfort so yes I was uncomfortable saying these things to him even after years of practice I was uncomfortable.

And part of me the little child self in me who still believes sometimes that she needs to abandon herself and her authenticity to get love right she was kind of panicking like he's going to reject you like he's going to think that you're just selfish and entitled for making this request and like so oversensitive like come on right that's what this child self is.

And that is what I was doing what I just told you is an example of a setting a boundary.

And what did he do like my inner child self was so scared right scared that he would reject me but he just looked at me as if I had said something like like hey could you get my coat.

He's just like oh yeah oh my gosh like I'm so sorry I just was so groggy and I wasn't thinking about where I was stepping I'm so sorry and I can totally take a different way next time and I will be so much more conscious of where I step on our floor so it doesn't wake you up.

Relief right and so here's what happened to me.

I set the boundary right so so NVC nonviolent communication is four stages that's it and you can you can Google this NVC is very widely known so yeah thank you cricket NVC nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg I thank you for naming him so the four stages are you make an observation so I said to Carlos I can't remember the four stages.

So yeah thank you cricket NVC nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg I thank you for naming him so the four stages are you make an observation so I said to Carlos I said hey like I just I heard you squeaking on the floor and it woke me up and then you state the feeling and I felt angry about that and you state the need and maybe cricket could you write down the four stages since you seem to know NVC.

So observation feeling need so I really needed a sleep and then a behavior change request is the fourth stage and that is would you it's always phrased like this would you be willing to.

Would you be willing to take a different way next time would you be willing to pay attention to where you're stepping you know when I'm still sleeping you know something something like that.

And I know that's an example that's a lot more straightforward than a lot of more like complicated emotional examples but that's why I like it as an as an illustration because it does give you the way so that is my favorite way to set boundaries is using nonviolent communication and it's never easy.

Even after years of practice it's always uncomfortable even with a very very very safe person like my husband is for me.

So this work is not about it getting easy or getting comfortable and those of you who know my work and know shadow work know that that's not that's not what we're going for right this work isn't about a silver bullet to help us feel better this work is about deep integrity.

Having our in our outsides match our inside so that we don't live a life of resentment right because what happened in that moment with Carlos is that that little part of me was afraid that he would reject me right that was my child self.

But what actually happened and this is the magical thing about setting real boundaries with a safe person the magical thing is that we got even closer.

We got even closer because I was vulnerable and Renee Brown says that vulnerability creates human connection right and that's so true because I was vulnerable by setting this boundary and speaking my authentic feelings to him and this is you know healthy connection.

Of anger is what I just demonstrated.

We got closer and I felt even safer with him it was just another rep another example of my heart is safe with this man and Sergey and I noticed a few people so Liz says what happens when you get called selfish for making that request or Sergey says what do you do if a person repeatedly crosses your boundaries.

So this talk is about discernment right then if a person keeps crossing the boundary even when you've made your boundaries clear it's time to assess if that person should be in your life or not.

I know that this is a hard pill to swallow.

But like I had a I had a friend who was just a different example from my life is a time when I had to terminate a relationship and I and this is not a family relationship and it doesn't carry the complexity of that right but I had a friend who was a mentor.

And he kept this is when I was doing kind of psychic training with him way back in the day when I called myself intuitive psychic you know I don't do that anymore.

I think everyone's intuitive by the way but I was doing this intuitive development work with him and he would do this thing where he was he was older and he was an experienced and respected psychic and he would he would like give me these messages from spirit about me and they they started out being very benign and he was very helpful and then they as as I got to know him more and as I became more successful as a reader like he had someone in the healing arts he.

They started getting darker and they started getting more judgmental these messages from spirit and pretty soon he said something to me that was really unforgivable and really registered in a great contraction in my body like oh wow that's not true.

And that's actually really hurtful and unsafe and so I texted him once I said.

Hey so I use my NVC I said hey I noticed that.

Your messages from spirit especially this last one have really hurt me and would you be willing to only share these messages from spirit if I request it directly.

He said no he said no I'm not willing to do that because then I wouldn't be myself and I said okay well then.

I can't talk to you anymore.

And from that point on I had absolutely zero contact with him and I was free.

Amy says is there a way to go back and do this process after the person had has passed.

Yeah I would try I mean it's not going to be the same right but.

I would say it would be more for you like it would be more for you living in your own integrity to do this to have this in your imaginal space with this person has passed yeah.

So there is a danger and like when we're in a relationship and we.

We keep feeling our boundaries crossed there's a relationship there's a there's a there's a kind of abuse and I'm just going to say it out right there's kind of abuse that a lot of empaths get into.

Often with people who have narcissism.

Where we feel our boundaries cross we feel in our body that we don't feel safe.

But we take it as a quote unquote growth opportunity.

We say oh this person is challenging me to be a bigger person or this person is challenging me to be a bigger person.

Or this person is really challenging me to grow.

As someone who was in a relationship with a narcissist myself who who did this to myself that is self abandonment and self abuse.

If your boundaries in any relationship if your boundaries are repeatedly crossed.

If your body keeps telling you if you tune in with that discernment and your body keeps telling you that you're unsafe and you communicate that you feel unsafe or you're hurt.

To this other person and they keep crossing the boundary it's that person it's very likely that they cannot be in your life anymore for you to live in integrity.

And to live from a place of love and protection for your vulnerable self for that inner child within you.

So just I wonder if you can sit with that.

Is there anyone in your life be it family or friends who repeatedly has crossed your very clear boundary where you say that you are hurt.

And they keep doing the behavior again and again.

And just tune in to yourself what would it mean for me to live in my integrity in this relationship does that mean letting go of this relationship.

Amy says can you elaborate on what narcissism is.

So here's my understanding of narcissism.

Narcissism so a person is narcissistic and by the way no narcissist think that they're narcissists.

A person is narcissistic when they are so wounded when they have had so much trauma that they have emotionally stayed regressed to about a toddler level.

And they can literally not like they are literally unable to do that.

To perceive another person's perspective or experience.

So they have such a deep wound to themselves.

That they can't.

They can't care if they hurt another person it does it just doesn't register with their level of emotional development.

But the really important thing is a lot of empaths get into relationship with narcissists and we we kind of become their healer or their caretaker we take pity on them and say like oh this wounded soul you know I'm the stronger one.

I'm going to take care of them and help them heal right.

But when you do that you're abandoning yourself and you're also enabling them and you're not holding them up to be the adult that they are because even if they're regressed emotionally to toddler level they're not toddlers anymore and they.

Thus have responsibility for their behavior and when we stay in relationship with folks who.

Even if they're not in a relationship with narcissists.

They're unable to keep us safe.

The only answer to that if we are to live in love with ourselves and in integrity with ourselves is to leave the connection.

Which also frees them from that dynamic of enabling.

And freeze them to then grow.

Because that's the paradox is that when we actually stay in connection with someone like that you're not going to actually heal another person it doesn't work we can't we can't fix or heal anyone else that just doesn't work.

We can only fix or heal ourselves.

It's only our responsibility to heal ourselves and to fit into not not that we need fixing but to help ourselves right that's.

And that's again that's from that book how to be an adult by David Rico that I love he's a union psychotherapist like but.

The adults have ultimate responsibility for our feelings our needs and desires and our treatment of other people.

Yeah.

Lisa I have not had the experience that narcissists can grow or change and if they do it's.

It's a very long process that you can't stick around for.

It's not your responsibility to stick around for.

Yeah.

But I really want to.

I really want to hold space.

For just the pain and grief.

That can arise when we either realize someone in our life has narcissism and remember that means being deeply wounded in a way that they cannot keep us safe.

That their their behavior hurts us right.

As someone who has had to leave a relationship like this in secret.

I have to get I had to get myself out in secret some of you know the bagel gate story if you're on my email list or.

You've known me on insight timer for a while you know the bagel gate story I won't tell that now but I think it's in the codependency and the loneliness talk on my teacher profile.

So if you want to know more about relationship dynamics definitely listen to codependency and loneliness it's the featured talk on my teacher profile on insight timer.

Yeah so because this.

This talk is largely about family I want to respond to the question as we as we come to a close today about and I do want to do a little practice to close with you all as well.

About what do we how do we discern.

When we need to disconnect you know terminate our relationship.

From a family member.

And so for those of you who came in earlier you experienced this practice we did where we did a body check right.

So this is what I would say is that.

So do your body check with this person so have that person in your imagination really vividly imagine that this family member is in front of you.

Tune into your body and notice the body sensations that arise are you contracting and pulling away are you moving towards is there a complex combination even if there's a complex combination there's part of you that does not feel safe right.

If this is a really strong feeling in your body and if it happens again and again with this person or it happens like.

Especially especially if it happens if they have done behaviors that have felt very unsafe and hurtful to you even after you have expressed a request for a change and express that you feel hurt by these behaviors.

Then it's time to really deeply assess perhaps the answer for me is to not have them in my life.

And so here's the other practice that I want to do with you all today.

Is.

And I also want to say before we get into practice that sometimes it's not black and white like I know as a mother of a toddler and I know people who are single parents and who depend on the help of one of their parents who's a narcissist right or who is otherwise violating their boundaries who depend on this person's help with their child or I know plenty of people who are single parents.

Who are caretakers for an elder for one of their parents who you take care of this person and they you need to you know.

How can you distance yourself from that relationship right.

There are there are I want to voice that there are situations that are not black and white.

Where we can't terminate a relationship and in that really hard reality first of all assess with yourself really clearly if that's really true is it really true that I absolutely cannot terminate this relationship that my body is telling me I need to.

Sometimes it is true that we cannot and if that is the case then you need to change the way that you behave around this person and you need to communicate and keep setting your boundaries and you need to be able to communicate with that person.

Sometimes it is true that we cannot and if that is the case then you need to change the way that you behave around this person and you need to communicate and keep setting your boundaries in ways that still stand up for yourself.

While you're still in this connection with this person does this make sense.

And sometimes what happens although if somebody has a diagnosis where they're not able to change or think of other people's perspectives this might not happen but often what happens is when we really radically change the way that we show up and we state our feelings needs and desires and behavior change requests clearly.

Then the dynamic kind of can't help but change somehow.

Right.

So if one person changes sometimes the dynamic changes now again sometimes this doesn't happen and that's when it's really just it's just really really deeply hard but you can live in integrity with yourself still in the way that you can by showing up more clearly and with discernment of your own feelings needs and desires so I want to definitely voice that sometimes it is not black and white.

But so one thing that you can do is.

So if you like you can tune in with me here for one last time and we're going to do some imagination of different scenarios.

And see what your body does in response as a way to discern what you can do right.

So if you like you can close your eyes and imagine now that the same person with whom you desire to set a boundary imagine that they are in front of you again.

Maybe it's someone who you're trying to discern whether or not to have them in your life or maybe to demote them to out of your inner circle it's more of an acquaintance or just less often in your life so just this person where there's someone clarity about how much to have them in your life.

So imagine that they're right in front of you right now they're close to you and notice what your body is doing.

Just take some breaths and name it.

And now imagine that there is a circle that is painted on the ground about six feet in front of you is like where that line of the circle is and now imagine that this person is on the other side of that line like outside of that circle.

And just take some breaths there and notice what your body does with them just a little bit further away.

Is there a sense of more opening or relief there.

And now imagine that there is a further line a further circle drawn even outside of that and imagine that they're now in that even further place away from you.

Maybe 12 to 20 feet away from you now and just breathe into how that feels in your body.

And as you breathe into your body imagine yourself standing really tall and taking up space and really owning your feelings about this person that it's okay to feel exactly how you feel about them.

That you get to take up space with those feelings you get to have those feelings you're not selfish for having those feelings.

And now just as an experiment imagine that this person disappears from your life is not in any of the circles.

And notice what your body does.

We're not making meaning out of this right now we're just.

We're just noticing.

Name the body sensations that are coming up with this person outside of the scene entirely.

And really now imagine your own energy is this golden energy within you and that you're full of this energy it's beautiful.

And if you like actually I suggest this if you're seated I'd like you to experiment with seated star pose which means lifting your chest and extending your arms out long on either side of you from side to side your palms are facing forward and lifting your chin just slightly.

Lifting your chest lifting your chin.

And not overextending or hyper extending your chest just getting really big in your body and if you're if you want to stand up and do this you can too it might be even more powerful if you stand up with your legs wide your arms wide spread open your chest lifted.

Your chin lifted without over lifting just just enough to feel really big breathe into all of your energy breathe into you taking up space.

And know that this is what it means to set a boundary right as I said what setting a boundary means is expressing your own authentic feelings needs and desires while letting go of the outcome.

It means living in integrity where your outside matches your inside so just really soak in this feeling and it might also feel scary or dangerous or threatening if that's the case you can you know bring it in more.

Bring it in more to a place where it feels safe enough.

Name the body sensations that are coming up for you in the space of freedom in this place of being bold being big.

And now really make this an energy signature within you like really bookmark these body sensations so that you can recognize them later.

And go ahead and come out of that body pose and close your eyes again if you feel called to as we were just going to do an experiment of can you hold this energy.

So without taking star pose.

See if you can hold the same bigness in your energy field.

And this is the experiment now imagine holding this energy while you bring this questionable person that you're wondering about far away and like as if they're 20 feet away from you can you still hold.

This energy.

How does it feel how does this energy feels feel impacted even if this person is 20 feet away.

And can you bring it back up if you notice it wanting to receive it or diminish are you wanting to collapse any extent.

See if you can keep holding it and just breathe through it.

And so here is the thing and just stay in the state as I as I talk about this but.

If your body cannot hold this energy with them even 20 feet away from you.

You might seriously consider that this person should not be in your life.

That's just I just want to plant that seed and again you might not be able to terminate the relationship but just note that it's going to be very difficult.

But if you can hold it and be in connection to them far away maybe what it means is you need to just demote this person to acquaintance level or if their family to see much less of them.

Or share less of your heart with them.

And so if you're able to keep this energy of left and bigness in you with this person far away we're going to do a further experiment is that is can you still keep them.

Can they be six feet away from you now.

And can you still have yourself at the same time.

Can you still be big can you still be lifted in their presence.

And what might that mean then for how close your body is telling you you can be to this person while being in integrity with yourself.

So having that information now we're going to come out of this very gently so your eyes are closed go ahead and open them let that person that scene dissolve as you look around your space and just bring yourself back to this time and place right here right now.

And take some breaths and just sit with what you've discovered in that experiment,

And I like to use the word experiment because this is very open ended with this is just about getting information from your own body.

And letting your body's wisdom in form,

What it would mean to live in integrity in your life,

In other words to set the boundaries that you need whether that means just changing how you show up and really work on expressing your authentic feelings needs and desires.

While letting go of the outcome,

Or whether it means you need to change how close you are to this person,

You know or have them leave your life entirely.

So I invite you to go into your family gatherings if you're having those this season with with this tool in your tool belt to gain discernment and clarity on what your body's wisdom is telling you about your own integrity and what needs to happen in your life.

So fear you say I feel that way with most people close to me what should I do.

So what that means to me is that you had a lot of trauma growing up where it was very deeply imprinted on you that you cannot have yourself and others at the same time,

Right.

That you have to abandon yourself and collapse in order to get love.

And so I really suggest doing shadow work so joining the shadow work circle on insight timer doing my other recorded meditations here and other listening to my live talks and practices that are recorded on my teacher profile,

Especially fear.

The one called codependency and loneliness which is right there featured at the top of my teacher profile.

Yeah,

Then your work is really on yourself and changing the pattern in yourself working on bolstering your own ability to hold yourself in your wholeness and your bigness.

Yeah,

That means shadow work is an order.

All right,

I'm just looking at any other questions.

I'm going to read Charlotte's because it's just really beautiful much love to everyone here so many loving souls struggling to discern.

What is the right thing to do we don't want to hurt anyone but least of all ourselves somewhere we receive the message that self care and self compassion is akin to selfishness.

I have to believe that the mere fact that we are here and are allowing ourselves to feel means that we are on a healing and healthy path.

I have an 11 year old that needs me to get this right.

I need to take care of my inner child and keep my inner child safe so that I can keep my physical child safe as well.

Yes,

For some family members.

Unfortunately,

It means complete cutoff.

Well,

For others who are willing to compromise and grow it means small doses at a time.

Not easy,

But so essential.

Yeah.

Thank you,

Charlotte for that.

It's really beautiful.

So much love to you.

And yeah,

Those of us who are parents,

I think we have a special mandate.

We have a special mandate about boundaries and really living in integrity.

Carl Jung and I call Carl Jung the great grandfather of my work because he is Jungian psychology is this is the origin of shadow work as we know it in the Western world.

So what Jung says is that the unlived life of the parent is the greatest burden on the child.

Something like that.

The unlived life of the parent is the greatest burden on a child.

So the more we can live in our own integrity and bring our own shadows to light and heal our traumas,

The less of a burden our children will have in their lives.

Yeah,

I'm holding all of you in my heart and thank you all so much for bringing yourselves here today.

I hope everybody has a truly beautiful week and beautiful holidays if you're celebrating those in the next few weeks as well.

And stay close to yourselves.

I hope you have beautiful close connections with others and I hope you have beautiful close connection to yourself at the same time.

All right.

Much love to you all.

Bye bye.

Reviews

Brilliant learning around listening to my body to guide me in boundary necessity and setting. Thank you for your unique somatic approach to this subject 🙏🏽

When it’s your only child, adult daughter, it never stops feeling like a tragedy. I was responsible for her for so many years as a single parent. No amount of love, sacrifice, or prayer has ever changed the inevitable outcome. SMH What was it all for? It’s a f-ing tragedy that I don’t have to like, but I have to accept. And learn to love myself in spite of this shameful failure

Every time I listen to Catherine’s talks and practices, I unfurl slightly; I go deeper and find more insights.
I have become more connected to my body. I have listened to the contractions in my body where my boundaries are being violated and I have been able to tune into that fire and then use the tools of NVC to try and communicate my needs. Catherine’s book recommendations have also been pivotal: NVC and How to Be an Adult, are two of my personal favourites.
This talk has helped me realise that through my own integral changes and being my authentic self, I can state my needs and boundaries and even though I can’t expect the other person to change, I can change… and that will have a ripple effect.
Big love to Catherine

This talk covers a lot of ground. To me it is foundational for my personal growth. Thank you

This was so eye opening and at 67 with 23 yrs of raising 'grandchildren' (and an adult child), I am humbled. It appears shadow work is my next endeavor. I will also be listening to Codependency and Loneliness by you. Thank you ever so much for so gently sharing your free expertise here on Insight Timer. ✨️

Thanks Catherine ! Great description of boundaries and a great practice for working out who should be in / out of your circles.
🙏🏼👌🙏🏼

Just love your talks, and approach, enlightening!!❤️

Excellent, helpful, informative

Lots of great info. My person I want to create a boundary with is a neighbor. Someone I don’t want in my inner circle but someone I can’t always get away from. Your suggestions helped me have clarity on what this would like like. Thanks ✨🙏✨🙏✨

So good. Great at an overview level but also strong information for those ready to go deeper into shadow work and boundary setting. Thank you!

Wow, this talk offered me many new ways of looking at relationships and boundaries.
For example, in my experience I've learned setting boundaries in a manner that leaned more towards disconnecting rather than connecting. And those moments of discernment were clear and didn't weigh heavily on me. But that's because many of those moments had reached my limits.
After listening to this talk I now realize the other ways - often vague or blurred - where i wasn't using discernment and ignoring my inner body when my boundaries were being crossed.
Lots to unpack here...and so very helpful. Thank you.

Deep and wonderful, thank you for this and all you do