Healing The Father Wound - Insight Timer Live

Both intimately and as a cultural force, the father wound deeply impacts our lives. It often manifests as a pervasive lack of self-worth, self-doubt, harmful behavior, and/or difficulty taking committed action towards our goals and dreams. Because we did not see healthy masculine ways modeled to us, we never formed the ability to contain, hold, and uplift ourselves from the inside. In this talk and guided practice from June 2025, Catherine guides us in sourcing our own confident, positive, healing masculine energy, regardless of our gender identity. As a bonus effect, we also find ourselves less triggered by our father figures, liberating them to be who they are. Includes gentle, trauma-informed somatic parts work meditations. Meditation music by Jamiel Conlon.

Transcript

Welcome everyone to healing the father wound.

It's high time that I did a live event on this topic.

The father wound is absolutely on full display in the world right now and in the U.

S.

It's Father's Day tomorrow and so all of our stuff with our personal fathers is getting all lit up.

All of our stuff with toxic masculinity is getting all lit up,

Right?

So as context,

Right,

Today is this huge military parade in the U.

S.

That that guy is putting on.

It's also his birthday and in the U.

S.

It's very rare to have a military parade in peacetime and as someone,

Some of you know I used to be a Germanist which is why I speak German.

I used to teach German and German studies at Oregon State University and I used to teach a course on German dictatorships and so for me too with my background this is a particularly,

Or for any of us with eyes and ears,

Is particularly alarming time and an alarming day today.

Like okay,

You're throwing a military parade on your birthday and thus throughout cities in the U.

S.

There are huge protests today,

Right,

The no kings protests.

I know some of you have reached out to say you're going to protest after this which is fantastic.

Each of us is going to be showing up in resistance in our own ways and in integrity in our own ways and that's all to say what a potent time to talk about the father wound and we will be talking first about the big picture of the archetypes of toxic masculinity and generative masculinity for which we have extremely few models,

Right.

The toxic masculinity,

The patriarchy is what's familiar to us so I'll be going over briefly what I wrote down about those archetypes so we can situate ourselves and then we'll be diving into our personal fathers and our father wounds and as many of you know who follow my work I like to use,

Because I situate our own personal wounds,

Our personal shadows in collective context,

I like to use a particular metaphor that helps illuminate that for people and why it's absolutely essential for us to have both the super zoomed in context of our own excruciatingly intimate personal family wounds and to do that work absolutely while also holding the larger collective context.

So I like to think about colonial capitalist patriarchy,

This specter,

This ethos of toxic masculinity that has ruled the world for the last many thousand years,

Right,

As a kind of great beast and it's a beast of that,

It's a beast that creates systems of supremacy,

It's a beast that creates domination over others,

It's a beast that takes and does not give life,

You know,

Because it's a beast that at its core is fundamentally empty and a hungry ghost and this great beast has run through all of our ancestral lines.

Many,

Many,

Many generations past have been affected,

Impacted by this beast regardless of what side your ancestors were on in the colonial equation so to speak,

Right,

Those of us with European heritage and indigenous ancestors were colonized by this beast many thousands of years ago,

Those of us with more with more close in indigenous heritage were colonized more recently.

So in any event,

All of us in our own very unique ways have been impacted by this great beast of toxic masculinity,

Of colonial capitalist patriarchy and the beast bites us in our bodies so to speak,

Hurts us,

Harms us through our family of origin trauma and that's how these go together and this is why we have to attend to and fully face,

Fully acknowledge all of our own personal intimate wounds from our family because when we do that,

That's how we reclaim our own life force from this specter,

From this great beast that's impacted our ancestors for thousands of years.

Does that make sense?

And so I really like this image of when we do our work with our own wounds,

It's like that life force energy that comes,

Our joy that comes,

That's liberated within us kind of goes up and it goes back into the beast and it destabilizes the beast and that's one way that we heal the collective,

You know.

It's not the only way but it's probably the most powerful way that each of us can heal the collective.

So anyway that's how these fit together for me.

So let's talk about toxic masculine versus generative masculine.

The toxic masculine is going to seem very familiar,

The generative masculine is going to seem like a pipe dream but we need to understand both because and hi everybody who's joining,

Welcome.

So here's the thing,

When I read these archetypes to you,

Know that each and every one of us has both inside of ourselves regardless of our gender.

We all have all of this,

It's just a matter of our own healing and how how often we can put generative parts of ourselves in the driver's seat of our lives but we all have toxic masculine patterns inside of us.

That's completely okay,

That would be like saying,

Oh you're a fish and you have water inside of you,

You're bad,

Right?

No,

We all have this,

We breathe it,

It's the air we breathe,

It's where we live,

So you have it in you,

I have it in me.

Exactly,

So toxic masculine,

Here are some of the traits.

Toxic masculine takes first and gives only when it might mean he can take more later.

He feels essentially empty inside,

Chronically empty and entitled to the energy and labor of others.

In this way he is passive and extractive.

Toxic masculine is passive and extractive,

Only gives when it could could mean he could take more later.

He casts himself as a victim and blames others instead of taking ownership,

Accountability and responsibility.

He perpetually is defensive because he secretly feels weak and worthless behind a persona of exaggerated confidence and bravado.

And the toxic masculine secretly feels impotent and projects false potency.

He wants quick fixes and silver bullets,

Immediate fixes,

Yeah and some of you are saying this sounds like my dad,

Right?

This is the spirit that drove colonialism.

Yeah,

It's basically narcissism,

Exactly,

It's the spirit that drove the manifest destiny philosophy of colonialism,

That we are entitled to land,

Energy,

Labor of others,

That it's not up to us to generate that for ourselves first.

This is the spirit of capitalism,

Constant growth at all costs,

Constant accumulation at all costs because we assume scarcity,

Because secretly we feel scarce in ourselves.

Yes,

So that is toxic masculine.

We all have this in ourselves and that's okay,

It's just a matter of how aware we are of it.

So let's talk about generative masculine,

The opposite then.

So generative masculine takes healthy ownership and I don't mean ownership in a possessive way,

I mean ownership as this is my responsibility and I am accountable to this and to these people.

So healthy masculine takes ownership,

Knows the law of the natural world of give first.

We give first and I learned this from my teacher Dr.

Rocio Rosales Mesa,

My teacher of decolonial shadow work and decolonial healing.

The law is we give first and we give the best.

This is completely foreign in today's society right,

Where it's take first and take as much as you can,

Get as much as you can out of this,

Extract as much as you can right.

So generative masculine gives of himself and gives unconditionally,

There's no strings attached,

He's not giving in order to get.

He gives because he is bursting with energy and life force,

He is potent as opposed to impotent.

He is potent and fertile within himself and he protects and defends only when absolutely necessary because he doesn't feel that he's weak,

Knows his own strength,

He doesn't have to chronically be on the defensive and in fact he is comfortable with vulnerability because he knows himself as strong inside.

The generative masculine is already full and overflows and supports others,

He's always oriented toward contribution,

Contribution to others in his life,

Contribution to the community for the good of the community and he is genuinely confident and knows his inherent worth and belonging.

This is the generative masculine and I see that many of you are saying like maybe your dad had some of these qualities but certainly not all of them right,

That's certainly possible or had some of these qualities when he felt good you know when when a more adult part of himself was in the driver's seat right.

Everyone is a mixture of these at different times and that's okay.

So what else do I want to say about that so we can really see so and I'm saying this really really gently and with so much compassion we see both of these in ourselves right like and I don't mean this to inspire guilt but like the whole internet culture of like content creation and we we want to get as much as we can for free that's very much part of the story right like that's very much part of what's woven in and and it's okay and you don't have to be ashamed about that.

So because we don't have I mean I could talk so long about these archetypes and the fact that they are also in ourselves.

What I want to say what I think is the most helpful thing for me to say is that notice when you're trying to get as much as you can out of someone or something or a content creator online without paying for it.

You know notice when you want to shop the sales and the cheap stuff maybe when you don't absolutely need to.

Notice when there are calls for donations and you think other people should donate but not you.

You don't have the money right now.

Sometimes that's true most often it's not to be completely honest because donations are can be $2.

99 $3.

99 you know and again I don't say this to inspire shame at all because I do it too we all do it but this is part of our collective healing is to notice when these toxic masculine scarcity-based traits show up in us.

They are not us.

This is not who we really are.

This is cultural wounds coursing through us making themselves known and part of how we heal our father wound is to notice this take a deep breath love that part of yourself that's scared and feels scarcity and then choose something a little bit more generative can you give a little bit or like I always like to keep a dollar bill in my bag so that when my daughters and I are out in Seattle or something and we see someone asking for money that I can give them the dollar I can give that to my older daughter to give them if the person feels trustworthy right because I want to model even if it's just a little bit what matters is the energy of giving that somebody's asking and I'm responding this is what heals it doesn't matter that it's just a dollar because we get in our head and we think oh what will that help the energy is what heals the energy is what helps the energy is what reclaims our humanity and our soul from toxic masculinity and creates generativity yeah because I grew up in a very rigid very scarcity-minded family yeah and I want to do something different I am doing something different for my girls while at the same time having boundaries right while at the same time having boundaries again so much we could say about this right now I want to invite those of you who would like to practice together to first first we're just going to do a quick check-in you might not even have to close your eyes or get into a zone this might come very easily to you so here's the invitation very briefly is imagine yourself as a child any age that comes up is perfect just whatever age your imaginal plane comes up with yourself as a child and then imagine your father or father figure in front of you at a distance that feels okay and safe enough so you're imagining him in front of you and you're you're experimenting with just being in this child's body for right now and you're breathing and looking at your father or fathering parent I'm inviting you to really notice what's happening in your body do you feel like drawing closer to him drawing away from him to keep breathing and noticing if it feels safe just for clarity's sake you might imagine him coming a little bit closer how does your heart feel and if this is feeling too hard or overwhelming just imagine him stepping back until he's at a distance where you have clarity about what's going on in your body and it's not too much so what happens to your heart is there longing is there longing here and for what breathing and can you fully acknowledge this longing and allow it to be big the longing for your father the longing to have had a father the longing to have had a different father what do you long for and how does this longing show up in your body as physical sensation and so when that feels fairly clear for you you can come on out look around your space shake it off and if you like go ahead and put in the chat what are you longing for and how did that feel in your body so jack says longing to be safe and cared for yeah so many of us viscerally like in our bones a primal part of us long to be protected to feel safe long to be protected by a father figure and we were not oftentimes we were the opposite harmed by the father figure right and some of you are saying also you're might be surprised longing for a partner also came up absolutely longing to have this energy if it's a masculine partner longing to have that masculine energy in your life to feel held to feel safe to feel seen yes so many of us have this primal primal longing to feel seen by our fathers to feel protected by our fathers and instead most of us I think felt some combination of rejected scorned unseen abused harmed and the sense that maybe this man was only here for himself he wasn't actually here for you like your bones know that a father should be right and there is a ton of grief there for what we didn't receive it's taking a deep breath into that we don't feel like we're enough we're never enough so some of you know a little bit about my own father wound which is very big very has been the really in many ways the center of my healing for the last 20 years of my life and for me so for for many of us with father wounds that manifest in our adult life in kind of one of two ways either because we weren't seen and protected and supported we feel worthless and thus we collapse and we go about our lives unable to go after what we want to believe in ourselves chronically self-doubting we're in collapse kind of like why bother why bother or and this was my personal story or we do the opposite and we go into control so either collapse or control over control and this might result in hyper achievement going after achievements overachieving perfectionism disordered eating this idea that I am worthless and so I must create this manager part of myself to over control myself because I'm not inherently trustworthy at all because that was not reflected to me by my father so these are just two different kinds of addiction right because those who are in collapse are often very vulnerable to addictions of all kinds to avoid the feeling right to avoid the feeling of worthlessness those who are in control we are addicted to external validation and that becomes our addiction so praise and achievement as a way to again avoid the feeling of worthlessness at our core and some of you know that this was me at the end of my academic career I was full-time faculty by the time I was 26 and I went after all the teaching awards I could and I got them because I worked myself to the bone and I did yoga and meditation as also a way to control myself yoga and meditation is not inherently a way of you know control and bypassing but for me it was for a long time and then one day actually it really corresponded with when my own biological father had a heart attack I think this was like 2014 2013 something happened in me you know our hearts our hearts are connected my dad's heart broke in a way and I realized my own heart was broken that I had been breaking my own heart all of these years by avoiding my most tender feelings of worthlessness you know avoiding it through overachieving and being addicted to external validation and controlling my body and having ambiguously disordered eating you know just enough so that nobody could tell that it was pathological right that's how controlled I was and many of us patriarchalized good girls are like this right we just ride that line of controlling ourself and strategizing just enough so that nobody notices just how intense and sick we are right just how scared we are inside so so this past year has been the most incredible father wound healing of my lifetime and I'm so proud to say that I'm so proud to say that now I really really know what it feels like to really believe in myself I really do but it took an incredible amount of rejection to get me here as some of you know I about a year ago almost to the day I started the process of with my literary agent going on submission to publishers with my book Tender Revolution I had in 2022 created this book proposal and you know I perfected it it was a gem everyone in the industry I showed it to was like this proposal is basically perfect this is such an incredible book this is such an offering yeah you have everything that you need to bring it into being this is going to be so easy for you and I was doing all this manifestation work like yeah I'm just I'm feeling it's going to be so easy come on spirit come on spirit guides let's do this let's get a book deal everything looked like it was just going to be easy and um a year ago so I got a literary agent one of the best in the country which is an enormous accomplishment if any of you are writers my literary agent specializes in selling books to the biggest publishers in the world so I got one of the best literary agents I had this great proposal and my literary agent was like this is going to sell so fast so what happened um a year goes by nine months really it was nine months goes by over 30 rejections over 30 rejections very complimentary rejections sounds true which is like my dream publisher spent three weeks deciding to reject it there were a few other maybes from big publishers that were ultimately rejections that we had to wait sometimes months to hear from them about and um I was in shock and some of you know like there were other things in my personal life happening not with my nuclear family but other things that also were really really intense rejections and with every uh with every rejection it was like the biggest slap in the face you know and I had to again and again source like I would grieve and then source new depths of believing in myself to keep going to keep going and so now I've put that book on the shelf not that it won't ever see the light of day but I'm actually working on a new book and my agent's going to put that book on submission when I but I have to write a whole proposal for it and for those of you who don't know in the world of non-fiction you don't write the book first you write a proposal for the book which is about an 80 page business document that has a very very specific format it's it's um people take courses I took a course in order to know how to write one it's a lot and I am the mother of two very very young children and the primary caregiver to them and so these past few weeks especially I've been like wow I have to dig so deep so deep to keep going so deep and you know what I can do it I can do it and I I will tell you I go into spirals of giving up you know I don't mean to say this is easy every day I'm sitting with the part of myself that wants to give up every single day I'm sitting with the part of myself that wants a silver bullet that just wants to hire a really expensive coach to help me write it that just wants to you know whatever and every day I do an exercise like I'm about to invite you to do too in order to source real confidence that I regardless of what they say regardless of what the publishers say this is my dream and I am worth going after my dream and you are too so I think each and every one of us is in an extremely liminal place in our lives right now right I know so many friends who are going through relationship breakups divorces career changes chaos just like of course there's the world right now and there's our personal lives and so I really really hope and it's been my prayer as I prepare for today that this be helpful to you to source your own belief in yourself your own highest strongest masculine energy within yourself it's about standing tall with our backs strong and our fronts soft I think about the inner father as our strong back that holds us upright and our inner mother is our soft front that keeps us vulnerable and tender and open to joy and receiving goodness and pleasure and connection to other people which is the reason for living so we have our inner father and our inner mother that we remember every day because we have to come back and consciously remind ourselves every day to hold ourselves in this way so I'll let you know what the practice is so you can decide if you want to participate I will invite you to identify a situation in your life ideally very present and very emotionally potent for you right now where you know that you need to advocate for yourself more you know you need to set a boundary you know you need to take a specific action towards realizing a dream or bringing something into being but it feels like a barrier somewhere where you felt blocked and and you feel like you lack the confidence to carry through and you might have a lot of inner voices inner critic voices so the invitation will then be to imagine your adult self so your higher self yourself with a capital F not with a capital S like an IFS um and we are going to contact or get curious about that inner voice that inner critic voice the voice who says that says you can't do it and then we're going to see who is protecting right so in like the language of IFS that would be like a manager part or a firefighter part and then the exiled part and I'm not an IFS therapist but I for this one for this particular exercise I think it's a really useful general framework all right so if you'd like to practice and this will just be about 10 or 15 minutes you can get centered and close your eyes take some deep breaths into your body and really feel your solidity your weight and if you're seated upright can you sit a little taller and really feel your spine like you're leaning back into your own spine just a little bit feeling your support your own support and now really vividly in your imagination bring this situation into your mind if it's for example a conversation you need to have with someone just bring the other person up if it's a task you need to do imagine yourself kind of doing that task or starting to do it we're gonna get really curious as you breathe and amplify this what's happening in your body when you start to speak the words of that boundary or conversation or when you start to do the task what's happening in your chest in your belly or in your throat and then get curious now about are their inner voices going what are they saying now this mixture of body sensation and these inner voices or whichever one of those feel like a stronger impression to you allow them to become a figure in your mind like a character or maybe a version of you or maybe there's somebody else and now instead of being in that situation you're kind of in a room in your mind with this figure across from this figure and you are now breathing into yourself as your higher self so feel that tall spine feel your expansive soft heart you're across from this figure the figure that's the inner critic the figure that's the body sensation and just get really real about what does this character look like what do they want to do and just for a moment invite them to say or do whatever they need to just knowing that you are sovereign you are the authority you're in the driver's seat they have a seat at the table but they're not in charge here and after they've kind of said or done something to make themselves to express themselves with this royal energy of a strong back sovereign being with a soft front just go ahead and ask them if they'd be willing to step aside for a moment and you're saying this not you're not really asking them for permission you're just gently as a royal asking them will you please step aside and show me who you're protecting will you please step aside and show me who you are protecting and if it feels like too much if they are very very resistant it might not be the time to see who they're protecting and so just go ahead and listen more to them and ask them what do you need what do you really need and continue in this way if they stepped aside and showed you and really see who's there who are they protecting and with your strong back and your soft front you might approach this part of yourself like you would as the kindest parent maybe getting down on their level and ask them what do you need listen to what they say and then when they've made their need known if they have you're going to let them know that it is your job to take care of them now you might say something like i'm taking care of you now and see sense and feel yourself meeting that need for them if that feels right or anything else that it feels like on their terms that they want and need something nourishing for them something safe protective for them perhaps imagine yourself as this higher self taking care of this exiled perhaps very young part of you and knowing that this relationship between you and them is from here on out and that whenever you feel this lack of confidence this inability to go for what you truly desire or to take action you can take a deep breath and come back to this part who is speaking through that block and asking for your loving attention so knowing that this is a lifelong relationship that's going to be developing growing changing let's take a moment now to reassure this part of yourself that you're not going anywhere you're with them even though in a moment it might seem like you're transitioning away you're just shifting dimensions part of you is still very much with them this inner parent this inner sovereign self so when you're ready you can let that scene slowly fade and find yourself in your seat again here and with eyes closed still if they were closed before and again really stretch tall into your spine here with your inhale really feel the tallness of your spine leaning back into it knowing that it's there knowing that you are safe with yourself that you are your own greatest supporter that you take responsibility and ownership for your happiness and fulfillment in this life can you feel your spine and say that to yourself I take ownership and responsibility for my happiness and fulfillment and I can do it you can hold all the parts of yourself that need care that need to be seen that need your empathic witnessing so whenever you're ready you can open your eyes and look around your space and slowly come back you might stretch or move around even get up and thank you all so much I want to name too that many of us when we have exiles within us that often take the driver's seat we have a certain resistance to fully taking ownership of our own happiness and fulfillment when I used to work in private practice I used to see this a lot this is especially true with mother wound but it's also true with father wound there can be a resistance like I shouldn't have to do that why do I have to do all this work of healing myself you know and that may or may not be true for you but just know if it is that's okay it's completely okay and that's part of toxic masculinity showing up right do you remember that part of toxic masculinity is passive and entitled and that's okay it's in all of us we're just gonna see it and say and hold that part of ourself as our sovereign generative intermasculine self really it's a integrated mature intermasculine and feminine parent inside of us right the one with the strong back and the soft front and I see some donations coming in thank you so much thank you so so much from the bottom of my heart you can donate now you can donate after this is over on my teacher profile anytime and if you want to know what I do outside of insight timer which is generally a lot then you can go to the about page on my teacher profile and there's a link there that will take you to that stuff I'm hearing from you that some of you have felt like strong and solid within yourself after this meditation and that's exactly how I feel when I do this for myself I'm so happy you feel that way too when we land in the seat of the adult we feel like we can show up in the world right we can show up as ourselves we can stand tall we can do what we need to do to meet the moment as it is instead of a fantasy instead of some kind of urgency you all know where to find me if you want to get in touch and I hope that today you can find this part of yourself again and again have patience with yourself this isn't about changing to switching to be this way forever this is about the ongoing practice of again and again remembering and reminding ourselves to re-center in this energy in ourselves thank you all so very much

Reviews

This track brought me to my knees as feelings swelled within me. This has helped me in my healing journey more than words can express. Thank you 💖🙏

I was searching for a meditation because I was feeling really stuck. At first in the general meditation options offered by other teachers, I tried meditations about being stuck but they didn’t resonate. What I was feeling was very deep inside of me. So, of course, I knew Catherine will have one!!! So I glanced at all your incredible meditations and having done most, if not all, of them I kept searching thinking nope…. what I am experiencing needs help to be revealed because it’s so deep inside of me. Then Bingo, the Father wound meditation appeared! And it revealed a lot! With Grateful tears running down my face I lovingly thank you. After so many decades of being unseen, that part of me finally knows she is safe and loved because we see and feel each other now.
10 stars⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
🙏❤️❤️❤️

Oh, so many tears. ❤️ Thank you for your offering, it's so beautiful and insightful, powerful. I feel really supported in my healing journey by your wisdom and authentic vulnerability. 🙏🏼 Now I'm sitting with the paradox of taking ownership and responsibility for my happiness and fulfillment and at the same time acknowledging the need for community and a commited relationship. Striking how the longing for a masculine partner to provide support & attention that I long for links to grief about what I missed from my dad apparently. Wondering to what extent this longing is healthy if there is this wound underneath it, if that makes sense... I suppose it's a combination of finding this support in myself ánd acknowledging I need others as a human being?

I am in awe of your understanding Catherine- incidentally my first name is Catherine.
I have done a lot of work on myself and wrote a book in 2011 when I was a counsellor.
At the age of 80 I am still learning! The exercise to imagine standing opposite your father was so powerful- he was complicated for me - he loved me very much but was untrustworthy at the same time. His father died when he was 12.
Sorry, I’ve gone on a bit - I just felt like I wanted to tell you your talk was inspirational.
Thank you.

Youre my favorite, in sync with what I was needing to hear and meditate with today! I am thankful creator has us here in this world at this time together. Thank You for healing and making space for yourself that made so much room for others too, including me.