Creating Rituals: A Talk About One's Unique Process

Carolyn shares a personal story about the power of rituals in her own life, how and why humans find meaning through rituals and her own resistance whenever there is an expectation to perform a ritual - especially around January 1st. Originally published on Substack in written form, she explores the power of intention, of choice and the beauty of choosing differently. Carolyn decides to take stock of the last year, receives a surprise upon reviewing those intentions and leaves many poignant prompts for anyone who wants to create intentions or goals for a new year, a new season or a new day.

Transcript

Church on Sunday mornings was a given.

As a child,

It was what we did.

Sunday church was also what my mother did,

Growing up as an Anglican minister's daughter.

I would sometimes moan about going to church,

But I grew to rely on it.

I enjoyed the actual ritual of it.

It was another world I felt I understood,

And was simultaneously mystified by.

The rhythm of returning felt comforting.

My father would fall asleep during the sermon,

My mother would sing too loud during worship,

And I would gawk in admiration,

Confusion,

And sometimes horror as the scene unfolded.

Every Sunday this was how it was,

An inherited ritual from my ancestors.

A great show,

The smoke and mirrors of the service would drift away and disappear into thin air by the time we arrived home for brunch.

Still,

It fed my innate desires for rhythm,

For seeking,

For singing,

And for gathering.

A ritual that affirmed my belief in rituals.

Rituals are found in every culture,

Across generations,

Continents,

Seasons,

Months.

Rituals help us get through life.

There always seems to be another one right around the corner.

In the Northern Hemisphere,

The dark but slowly lightening days of winter have fully set in.

Winter solstice and Christmas Day have come and gone.

A new Gregorian calendar year approaches.

Chinese New Year is next.

A ritualistic ceremony isn't just reserved for church on a Sunday or a national holiday,

Of course.

Birthdays,

Funerals,

Full moons,

A sunrise,

Anything goes.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines a ritual as a way of doing something in which the same actions are done in the same way every time.

A fixed set of actions and words,

Especially as part of a religious ceremony,

Or a ritual is also any act done regularly,

Usually without thinking about it.

We love rituals and a reason to come together and celebrate.

Humans are skilled at creating meaning to celebrate relatively inconsequential events or outdated figures.

Queen Victoria Day,

Labor Day,

Birthdays,

Don't come at me,

Attending Sunday church while ignoring God every other day of the week.

Conversely,

We also rush by or ignore circumstances that call for a ceremony,

Childbirth,

Or breaking ancestral patterns,

For example.

This is one of our great powers as humans,

Choice.

Opportunities to create rituals are abundant,

Or not,

Depending upon what we value.

We get to decide when,

Where,

And how to create rituals that help us to make it through another day,

Month,

Or milestone.

What I struggled with as a child and still now is the expectation inherent in many rituals.

When choice is removed from the equation,

I quietly stop my feet and rebel against the event.

When it doesn't feel meaningful to me,

I internally resist or judge the momentous occasion.

When it's something I'm told I should do or is the fad of the moment,

I'll run in the opposite direction.

When the timing feels off,

My body and heart revolt.

Selfish?

Sometimes.

My intuitive spirit encouraging me to find my own way and my own meaning?

Definitely.

Some rituals and holidays seem to be embedded into our genes.

It's also okay to go against the grain of our upbringings.

It makes sense to innovate and create or explore new routines that support a version of yourself that you haven't met yet,

And that you come around to the practices that are meaningful to you in your own time.

Subtle learnings occurred during my years at church.

I was motivated to even attend alone on days my family couldn't.

My Sunday church ritual was instrumental in my journey of seeking.

I finally found the belonging I sought through the ritual of unrolling my yoga mat and of praying on my meditation cushion.

The plight for meaning is alive within us all.

A fire brighter than busyness,

Keeping up,

Consuming,

Or numbing burns in each of us.

We are wired for habit,

Connection,

And meaning-seeking.

My desire to connect with others,

To be accepted,

And to live authentically has led me down some dark paths,

But it's always brought me back to heart.

I've chosen to be different,

To take U-turns,

And to surrender to popular practices once in a while.

Each step away from,

And then again towards,

The rhythm of my heart's knowing has been perfectly on track.

The approach of 2025 is a nice time to review rituals that feed the heart's life force.

It's a great time to choose your own.

This entire discourse might reveal that the spring equinox is your new year instead.

Or maybe you're ready to throw the towel in to release some stagnancy and let January 1st be a fresh start with new practices.

Perhaps you've had interesting learnings in groups lately,

And there's a beckoning to traverse a new landscape of ceremonies.

Whatever you're discovering about rituals and about the timing that suits you best is okay.

On January 1st of 2024,

I sat down and wrote out ways I wanted to show up for the year ahead.

And when I re-read that notebook yesterday,

I was surprised that what I committed to on paper is exactly what came to fruition.

The main through line was to write,

And write I did.

So much more writing than ever before.

More writing that has been read by others than ever before.

Getting them onto paper or saying our intentions aloud is a powerful ritual,

And it gets the ball of attraction rolling.

And this may evolve into other rituals.

By purposefully pausing and taking the time to put my heart on paper,

Rituals for 2024 emerged.

Last year,

My most regular personal rituals were writing most mornings before the family woke up.

Running in the trails near my home.

And at the end of the year,

I included walking without my phone because my body craved more slowness.

Setting myself up every evening before bed to make early mornings more enticing.

A clean house,

Coffee ready,

The intent to write in my heart.

Watching the sunrise through the kitchen window and thanking the universe for colors in the sky every morning.

Candle lighting every day at sunrise to mark a new day,

To remember my teachers and ancestors who have helped light the path for me.

Strengthening my core muscles several times a week so that I could become even softer in my heart.

Therapy.

I recommitted to seeing my teacher regularly,

Usually every three weeks.

Breath work most mornings after my daughter had left for school.

Naming fear as fear,

Grief as grief,

I became much more comfortable with naming my experiences out loud so as not to let the inner rumination take over.

I said yes to new collaborations.

I put myself into new situations to challenge my ability as a mother,

Woman,

And teacher.

Do I need a ritual?

Yes.

In groups or alone with myself,

A ritual will always bring some kind of quiet insight about existence and love.

Are my rituals the same since I began?

No.

I've paused my rituals many times over the years and have switched them up too.

I don't go to church now.

I don't go to many yoga classes now.

However,

My commitment to doing new things in new settings is almost a ritual now.

I also consider small,

Routine,

Daily events to be spiritual rituals.

More than needing a ritual,

I need to create rituals to the unique phase of life I'm in in my own timing.

Because I have a choice.

I can decide how I face this brief time on earth and how to keep my heart bursting wider and wider open.

I may not have celebrated the winter solstice on December 22 in an overt way.

I witnessed much fanfare around this beautiful passage of time and wondered about how I wanted to honor the darkest day of the year.

I paused and quietly thanked the seasonal rhythms.

And that was that.

And Christmas Day was also an intimate and unassuming ritual.

There was a lot of giggling as we lit candles,

Made cinnamon buns,

Then woohoo'd down windy,

Snowy ski slopes.

My rituals don't often look meaningful from the outside,

And they don't always feel especially meaningful.

But I'm not here for the drama or the most intense exercise in spirituality.

I think what matters most is having a question and an aligned ritual that keeps us growing and trying new things.

If this gets us a bit closer to kindness and tenderness,

Then I'd say we are right on time.

Now it's your turn.

Grab a notebook.

Write.

Or sit in meditation and ask yourself.

When is the last time you joined a new group,

A new class,

A new community?

And what did you learn about yourself?

When is the last time you paused by yourself,

Without external influence,

And only listened to the information within your heart?

What did you learn about yourself?

What can you celebrate about these new or quiet endeavors,

Your accomplishments,

And your learnings?

What are you most proud of?

What have you been resisting,

And how might this be your wisdom?

What helps you make it through?

What anchors you to your strength and your wise heart?

What rituals and practices have supported you lately?

What offers you the space to pray,

Dream,

And let go?

What are you wanting to honor?

What comes easily to you?

What do you love doing?

What guides you more deeply into the things that matter?

What are you curious about creating?

What might bring you closer to the feeling of creation?

Consider one personal commitment,

One relational commitment,

And one professional commitment you're ready to make.

And what are three things you can incorporate every day to help you stay in creation and connected to the meaningful outcomes you'd like?

Reviews

Great talk, thank you. I really enjoyed your energy and warmth. Felt inspired and moved to reconsider some of my current boundaries; plans and hopes for myself that can get lost in the chatter of domestic demands

Really nice perspective, thank you for sharing. My ritual journey has also gone from church to yoga mat and now to my breath. 🙏📿🫁