Transforming Relationships Through Being (Talk & Q&A)

Often, we think that our partner, family members, or friends are to blame and need to change. However, what if a relationship can be transformed by simply being present with the other person and all that is arising in us? The talk is followed by a Q&A session and answers questions such as: how can I express unconditional love towards a partner that does not support my healing journey; how can I invite my partner to join me on the path of self-development and spiritual growth; and more.

Transcript

Hi everybody and welcome to this event on transforming relationships through being the first thing to notice is that we are always here now we cannot be anywhere else other than the now certainty is found only in this moment we do not know what the future holds we do not know what will happen next so it's important to accept what is to accept also especially when we are with another person and they are either going through some difficult periods or they are behaving in a way which is not ideal in our own separate minds perspective on how they should be behaving with this acceptance,

With this recognition that ok,

This moment is all that I know for sure comes a peace,

A stillness and it is through this peace,

Through this stillness that we can truly help another so it is very important when we are trying to help someone to see first and foremost where we are coming from because very often a situation that someone else brings to us is challenging us so we have to face those challenges we have to face the emotions that are coming up we have to face the thoughts that are coming up and accepting ourselves fully before helping them because then we know for sure that we are coming from love and not from fear,

Not from trying to get acceptance from them or trying to prove to ourselves that we are a kind and loving person it's very important to see where our desire is coming from it's also important to see whether our help is wanted or unwanted sometimes we try to help others we want to suggest meditation techniques or ways to heal that we think are good for them but maybe they don't want them at this moment or maybe they are not ready for them yet so it's important to see that this desire to help them is genuine and pure and loving from us and usually the best thing to do is to wait for the other person to ask for help in some way before we help them until then we can just be present with them and know that everything is unfolding as it should trust that there is an intelligence in life that it is evolving in a way that is beyond the understanding of our limited separate minds so that this person and the situation that they are in is good for both you,

Who are there to help and the other person as well sometimes when we try to help another or try to change their behavior in some way what's really going on is that we are trying to change ourselves we are not accepting ourselves fully and when we trigger this part in ourselves that we are not accepting then the work is not to try and help them but first and foremost to help us to accept us and then go towards them the interesting thing is that once we fully process our own emotions,

Our own insecurities and whatever the person triggers it is very easy to know what to do it is just clear,

It comes to us and there is no question,

No doubt it's a pure loving action sometimes that is just to be and other times it is to suggest some method that could help or to find some more medical approach of helping or support them financially,

Whatever it is it's very clear the other thing I wanted to say in the talk is that there are 7 billion of us on earth and if we come from the premise that our being is shared,

Who we really are is pure awareness and every one of us is an expression of that awareness that means that there are 7 billion different expressions of awareness and each one is perfect for each of us so the situation that we find ourselves in are most appropriate for us at this time to find out what is true to become more present,

To become more loving and more accepting towards ourselves and others nothing is random,

Everything is as it should and coming from this knowing is very important when we talk about relationships because that knowing in itself transforms relationships what else comes to me to say now is that very often also when we simply rest with what is there are situations that come up that make it very easy for us to know how to act and acceptance doesn't necessarily mean staying with a relationship and also relationships can be with people but also with a job,

With work,

With so many things it's not just about people and often for example in work situations it's very clear when something needs to change because you just can't continue doing that particular job either because you're already beyond it and you want to move on because it is too difficult,

Too challenging and you want something easier or just there is a knowing that makes it,

And this is a strong word but that makes it impossible for you to stay in that position in the relationship with this job or with a person or whatever it is so resting as presence also allows us to feel what's going on to understand why this relationship is there and also to give us the strength to leave also when we need to leave another thing that comes to me to say now is how to deal with projection and blame because sometimes we are on the receiving end of someone blaming us for their own suffering saying you did this and it made me feel this way and you're responsible for my unhappiness again this can trigger emotions and thoughts in us that we need to be with,

To sit with see what's true if really our behavior is affecting them so badly if there's something that we need to change and sometimes that's the case at other times once we feel all that has arisen from what they've said it becomes very clear that they are just having some kind of emotion in the moment and they are saying something to us but they don't really mean it,

It's not really true and then again the best thing we can do is just to be not to get angry,

Not to try and change them but to sit with them and see clearly that this is what's happening it's nothing to do with us it's just what the other person is going through Hi Yvette so what I understand is that sometimes it's hard and it's difficult to move ahead but yes,

Relationships,

Especially with partners are here to teach us unconditional love and often in the beginning of a love relationship everything is rainbows,

Butterflies and everyone sees la vie en rose everything is beautiful but then there's deeper things that come up and sometimes we think the other person has changed dramatically and we can't be with them,

They're not who we expected them to be,

Etc so it's important to also recognize that unconditional love is not just unconditional love for the beautiful,

Amazing times but also for the more tricky times we are here to support each other through difficulties as well as love and fun times and again this unconditional love is first and foremost with ourself,

With our own emotions,

Our own thoughts and then once we have fully accepted our own thoughts and emotions we can accept those kinds of thoughts and emotions in another Yvette,

You say when healing past trauma getting into self-love triggered by current relationship what I want is and give that unconditional love and work through yeah,

I think healing past trauma is big for all of us and I've seen cases where in a relationship one person wants to heal their traumas and another person doesn't so then it creates this kind of imbalance because healing traumas means facing them and to some degree bringing them up and sometimes even projection,

It happens it cannot be stopped because the emotion is so strong so it is difficult for both parties both those that are healing the trauma but also for the others who are there to witness the healing and to support the healing but it sounds like you are doing a great thing to heal this past trauma and I'm sure you can ask whoever is with you to support you through it,

To be there for you and I would also say it's important when you project something onto them whenever you realize this projection to apologize,

To say look I'm sorry I was just feeling so much stuff that I had to say these things I don't really mean them and to also thank them for their support whenever it's really there,

Whenever it's really helpful Yvette,

You say yes,

Project,

I'm responsible I take accountability and apologize when this occurs I'm not sure he believes in trauma,

So we're working through it yes,

Sometimes the partner doesn't understand what we're going through and doesn't believe that there is trauma and that is a suppression in them they don't want to face it in them that's also what happens when you in this case are healing your old traumas you also feel the emotions and trigger those emotions in the partner and if that person is unable to face them and to react appropriately then they will try to escape in some way they escape from themselves they will try not to face this emotion in whatever way they can so when you understand that this is going on in them then you can choose whether it is good to be around them at this time whether there is a better way for you to face your own emotions,

Heal your trauma and maybe then come back to this relationship or tell them I want to heal myself and you can either join me or I have to do it on my own and we can meet later just offer options for this to really work for you because truly,

These traumas that will need to be healed they are there unconsciously or consciously and sometimes they also manifest in ways that we are not able to see but they are out there,

They are happening so sooner or later,

All of us will have to face these emotions Yvette,

You say,

I see this makes sense really,

This is precisely what I believe is going on how can I express him to join me I'm glad it makes sense,

That's awesome well,

You can simply say,

If that's true for you of course you can feel into what I'm about to say but you can say,

Look,

I'm committed to healing myself to healing my emotions to face my traumas and what's going on in me and if that's true also you can say sometimes it feels like people are not helping me through this but rather trying to stop this process to stop me from going deeper and if that's the case,

I would rather take some time away and heal what is coming up and then come back or we can do it together,

We can support each other or we can both find help or you can also say,

I will just need a lot of time on my own,

And if you have the space in your household then you can say,

I will spend a lot of time on my own,

In the room maybe going to therapists or coaches or spiritual teachers to really understand what's going on and I need you to understand this,

That it's a process I'm going through,

Something like that and to me that's a way of expressing unconditional love because you are seeing where he's coming from it's not like you're just disregarding him and saying,

Look,

I need to leave you you see where he's coming from,

You see where he's at and you embrace that in whatever ways available,

And you say,

This is my process I want to understand how I can love myself more and in turn learn to love you better as well,

If he has an interest or if you have a common interest as well in spirituality or in psychology or something a great way to do it together is to go to the same course or study the same book and then talk about it you say,

I appreciate this finding voice I as well as many others have blocked this maybe to express without fear yeah,

And that expressing without fear is also easier once you release some of these blockages it's almost like being willing to let go of the other person,

Of the relationship knowing that you are free you are inherently at peace no matter what circumstance you find yourself in and once you know this for yourself it's much easier to talk with others also without an agenda,

Without trying to get a particular response from them without controlling the conversation in any way thank you Yvette for all of your comments and for all that you've shared thank you everyone else also for being here with me,

I hope all of this has been helpful for everyone if what I've shared resonated with you I do one-to-one sessions and you can find out more about this on my website which is on my Insight Timer profile and otherwise I wish you a very beautiful weekend thanks again for being with me and see you soon,

Thank you thank you Alan,

Bye bye

Reviews

Thank you for a really thought provoking talk. A lot resonated with me on how following trauma I’ve faced on how I could talk to those close to me. Thank you 😊🙏🏾