Becoming Friends With Your Fear

In this meditation, we make friends with our fear. Feeling fear is not a failure; it is a natural part of having a human heart. In this session, we will build our capacity to be able to be with our own fear so that it doesn’t run the show and ruin our lives by leading us into the unskillful and unconscious habits that can arise when we don’t dare feel our feelings. We will become braver, bolder, and maybe even more badass -as we welcome fear home into our own hearts!

Transcript

So this is a session on heartfully facing our fears,

On finding the bravery within us,

And of daring to show up fully for our lives and the lives we want to be leading,

Full of joy and grace,

Full of doing the things that matters.

Sometimes it seems that fear is a problem,

It stops us.

It stops us in our tracks,

It keeps us small,

It stops us from daring.

But my sense is that fear is not the problem.

Fear is a normal and natural human emotion.

It's an inevitable part of having a nervous system.

It's what we do with our fear is where it gets complicated.

In this session we're going to change our relationship with fear,

To make space for it in our life so we can move through it,

Move forwards towards what matters in our life.

Feeling fear is not a failure,

But part of having a human heart.

Yet we need to build our capacity at being with it,

So that fear doesn't run the show and ruin our lives by sending us in the wrong direction.

Fear is subtle and slippery sometimes,

Yet if you catch it,

It's possible to sit with it,

To stay with it.

Where fear gets tricky is when it motivates us into doing odd things in order to not feel it.

To reach for that cookie,

To scroll through another 8 million posts online,

To have a drink,

To buy some more stuff,

All of these things can be strategies to not feel our fear.

We run and we numb,

Because our fear makes us feel fallible.

There is such strength in stopping to feel our fear,

In standing still with our feelings,

In knowing we can find a wise way through this emotion.

We can let fear be a soft thing that comes home in our heart.

Fear doesn't have to be a monster we must avoid,

Or some kind of creature that we must slay and banish forever.

Feelings don't work that way,

Banishing them,

Slaying them,

It never works so well.

In a healthy human system,

We make room for our feelings.

They come and go,

And we witness them,

We don't let them rule us,

Or run us.

I promise you after a billion years of evolution,

Where fear has served us well in our aliveness,

We can't just switch it off.

Fear is just that,

It's fear,

It's a feeling in the body,

In the belly,

It's a tingle,

Something like anxiety that fizzes through us.

We can learn to not be afraid of our fear.

There's a beautiful Rumi quote that says,

Don't move the way that fear makes you move.

Today,

Like every other day,

We wake up empty and frightened.

Don't open the door to the study and begin reading,

Take down a musical instrument,

And let the beauty of what we love be what we do.

There are a hundred ways to kneel and kiss the ground.

Do not move the way that fear makes you move.

Fear is neither bad nor good,

It's just a physiological response to something we perceive will happen.

Most often we don't know if it'll happen or not,

We don't know how things will turn out.

We think if we run it over in our mind or ruminate it,

We can control it.

Giving space in our heart for fear is an act of radical rebellion.

It puts us at choice.

Vulnerability is courageous,

Showing up with a tender and fearful heart and speaking that opens the way for some amazing conversations.

So as we turn towards practice,

Know that we're not looking to eliminate fear here.

We're looking to make space,

To give it room,

Turn towards your heart.

So settle down for practice,

Let the body rest,

Deepen the breath,

Close your eyes,

Soften your shoulders,

Feel into the sensations of having a body,

The feelings in your belly,

The subtle somatic sensations of being here.

So often when fear arises,

We shoot out of our body and up into the mind,

Can take us into mental exhaustion.

Stay with your belly,

Stay with your breath,

Stay with this moment.

If you can feel fear in your body right now,

Track it,

Notice it,

Like you would with some wild animal.

Don't squirm and run away from it,

Look at it.

Make friends with this moment,

Soften some.

See if you can soften the hardened heart,

Let yourself know that you've got this,

Befriend your experience,

The tingle in your belly.

Notice if you want to get up,

Stop the audio,

Run away,

That's fear in peak action.

Notice if you're judging this moment going up into your mind.

If you've gone into worry,

Drop back down into your body,

Into your belly,

Learning to be with fear as an act of titration.

We sit with it bit by bit,

Just like you're doing now,

Practicing,

Staying with,

Staying close to,

Changing your relationship with fear,

Soften,

Befriend these uncomfortable feelings.

Know that fear will not go away as long as we're changing and growing and doing things that stretch us.

So we have to learn to be with fear in a good way,

Let fear be a faithful friend to your growth.

Let fear lead you to meet the tender one within you,

To come in closer to yourself,

To give yourself good guidance,

To open to these subtle sensations in the body knowing that this is what it is like to be human,

To be alive,

To be present to the visceral and vital sensations,

Being awake and aware.

As you sit,

Notice the simple sensory sensations,

The somatic sensations,

Meaning that which is occurring in your body.

Maybe there's a feeling in your solar plexus,

The bottom of the rib cage,

In your chest,

Tightness in your jaw.

Notice where and how you feel fear in your body.

Notice how you probably want to turn away.

It can feel tricky to stay still with these sensations.

The mind wants to meddle,

Minimize and make a difference,

But you are doing it.

This is it.

This is the practice.

It is bold and brave to feel your feelings,

To stay with these sensations,

To not get pulled into tech or the mind or media.

We don't have to be washed away by being feeling full.

We can recognize our own resilience.

Oh,

Fear is arising.

It is uncomfortable and I sit and I stay and I welcome it because I value growth.

Because I know that by practicing being with fear,

When it shows up and it matters and I'm about to do something in my life that counts,

I can stay with this feeling.

I don't have to let it force me to run or ruin things.

You are badass and brilliant and bold for staying with your fear and practicing like this.

We don't have to push to be present.

We're just gently and lovingly opening and allowing whatever arises.

Notice if the sensations change as you stay with them with time.

Notice if where they arise in the body shifts.

Feelings tend to pass through us quickly when they have permission to play out and to mindfully move through us.

Acknowledge this moment of daring,

This moment of feeling your fear,

Of turning towards your experience,

Of inhabiting and embodying what is moving through you,

Of staying with the subtleties of sensation,

Knowing the energy and life forces flowing through you,

That you're making friends with fear,

That you're making space for grace.

So I acknowledge the work you've done today,

Of growing your ability to feel your own fear,

And not getting rid of it or conquering it,

But of becoming friends with it,

Of staying still with it.

We'll finish with a Chogyam Trungpa quote,

Real fearlessness is the product of tenderness.

It comes from letting the world tickle your heart,

Your raw and beautiful heart.

You're willing to open up without resistance or shyness and face the world.

You're willing to share your heart with others.

So thank you for your practice today,

Thank you for your commitment,

Thank you for being part of this community.

May you be well,

And may you be happy,

And may you be free from harm and suffering.

Reviews

Very helpful for sitting with fear. I can now say it does get easier with time. Thank you so much, Tess. 🙏🏻💚

So simple yet such a potent, beautiful reminder! So often I want to “overcome” the fears with actions, yet if I make space for it and befriend it — my relationship with fear shifts in a subtle, healthier way.

Such a kind and beautiful approach to our feelings. Thank you!

Thank you Tess for putting together this priceless guidance on fear and how to handle this emotion so present in our everyday lives ❤

This helped me slow down and sit and connect with everything that was present

This is a fantastic meditation to help experience fear, which I usually have trouble sitting with. Thank you for your gift Tess!! ❤️🙏🎁

Beautifully led and compassionately delivered. One of the best I’ve heard in a long while. 🙏🏼

This is a powerful meditation . I’ve bookmarked it. Thank you

Thank you, Tess, for helping us reframe fear to be more natural, expected, and productive.

Soothing space to sit with uncomfortable sensations rather than brace against them or try to think your way out of them. Thank you.