Strategies For Ruminators

There are times when we are literally chewing over the same thoughts and scenarios in our heads, over and over. This can mean we can't concentrate on outer life fully and meanwhile, we are stuck inside our heads feeling that we are in a holding pattern and nothing is getting solved or resolved. Overthinking and ruminating are major sources of tension and anxiety. In this talk, I explain what is happening when our "ruminating engine" won't switch off and some genuinely effective strategies to help

Transcript

Hello all,

This is a recording for some tips,

Some strategies to help when you know you're chewing over a worry or a problem or a situation in your mind over and over again and it's making you anxious and you can't stop thinking about it.

It's what lots of us find ourselves doing at some time,

Especially when we're triggered.

So sometimes people can say things,

Things can happen in our lives and we just deal with them and then other times someone can say something or something can come up in a family situation or a work situation,

Often in a relationship dynamic and it sort of touches a nerve and that nerve starts to activate and with the activation there's an obsessive element of I've got to keep thinking about this,

I've got to try and sort this out or I can't get this thing out of my head.

You know whenever we get to a stage of helplessness,

I can't stop this thing being in my head,

It's so wonderful to learn practices to say,

Ah but I don't have to be with this thing in my head all the time,

Actually that's not true that I can't stop being with this one thing.

And so this recording is to give you some strategies for that.

Now the important thing with applying any strategy to a pattern or a habit that we have developed over time is we have to keep applying those strategies with discipline.

There is an element of discipline or maybe a better word is devotion or commitment or playing strong attention because it's not that we can overnight fix these things and the reasons for that guys,

The main reason for that is that what we know now don't we is that our minds are neuroplastic,

They're like plasticine,

They can be moulded and shaped by the kind of thoughts that we're giving them and the kind of experiences we're having,

The kind of impacts on our thinking and our feeling mechanisms.

But because we're also creators in our minds aren't we,

We're people who have ideas,

We make decisions,

We are self directing to a high degree of where we take our focus,

Where we take our minds,

We know that when we bring that in we can change the shape of what's happening on the inside of us and the way it's impacting us.

So in neuroplasticity there is a descriptor often that if you think about the same thing over and over again you're sort of digging a deeper and deeper trench or if you keep doing the same thing over and over again you're creating a very strong neural network,

You're sort of laying that as a foundation stone because you're really attending to it and it's getting stronger but we also know that if you attend to it less and if you attend to other things in its place they get stronger so you can choose what you want to make strong and what you don't.

And we know from the wonderful resources science now has of brain imaging that there is matter in our brain that completely withers and dies when it doesn't get attention.

Now sometimes it's stuff that we need which is why we say as we get older in particular we want to exercise the muscles of our memory for example and our concentration and we want to do more crosswords in Sudoku or whatever,

We want to take more exercise,

All these things that are very good at establishing strong neural connections.

But it also is a good clue for if you don't want something to overwhelm you that's going on in your head,

Don't take it to the gym and give it a big workout because that will make the muscles stronger.

Make it stay in bed,

Let it be lazy,

You know,

Try and so this is where the discipline,

The commitment comes in because I can hear people saying this is involuntary response and yes it is,

It can begin before you know it ruminating on something,

Chewing something over,

Worrying about that thing to the point that you can't really see or feel the world around you with the same level of presence as that thing.

It can begin very involuntarily because as I said you brought the train tracks are already established so that is where we use a part of ourselves to step in and be like the PT guy at the gym and say you know you've got a squat in a different position than that or you're going to injure yourself,

Let's try a different squat.

I don't know,

I didn't go to the gym so that was a very bad image.

But I do exercise and I do know that you know I sit at my desk for a long time and I weaken the muscles at the back of my heart and so I often have sore shoulders because I'm working out my front body a lot because I'm leaning into it and so I do a lot of yoga for my shoulders to reverse that,

To bring my shoulder blades back onto my back,

To strengthen my trapezius muscles and that is what we're talking about here,

Strengthen the muscles you need to support you and make you feel healthy,

Not the ones that are giving you pain and tension because it's the same in the brain.

So let's have a look at ruminating,

Let's call it what it is.

When we go over and over,

When something like a loop of tape in the back of our mind is going over and over,

The same problem,

The same drama,

Whatever it is,

That is called ruminating and that's what cows do,

You know that's where the expression comes from,

Cows ruminate,

They're not with their minds but they chew the cud don't they,

To make it digestible they keep chewing and regurgitating that grass until it's at a stage where it can be easily broken down and then they swallow it and don't regurgitate it again.

And so we use that word because it's as if our brain is eating itself,

We're just chewing and chewing and chewing in the hope that this material will become more digestible.

Here are some of the symptoms that tell us we're ruminating,

That we're doing something that's unhealthy for us.

One would be that this is an issue that really preoccupies us to the extent that we can't be present in the rest of our lives.

It's almost as if there's a dividing line between us and the people we're talking to for instance or looking around at the landscape around us.

It seems a bit hazy because part of us seems to be hijacked or captured.

Have you ever had that feeling?

You're not really listening to people,

You're not really able to engage fully,

Part of you can,

But another part of you is very preoccupied.

Secondly,

It's not just a thinking,

It's a feeling and the feeling is usually anxiety,

The feeling is usually some kind of tension in the body,

That little feeling of dread and tension.

And that's telling us when you get those feelings that there's a neurochemical effect going on,

Those feelings are associated with certain neurotransmitters like cortisol,

The stress hormone,

And a certain lack of other neurotransmitters like endorphins and serotonin which are there to uplift us and keep us present.

And that is all affected by where we're going with our thoughts and the fact that we are giving them a workout,

Taking them to the gym,

And instead of making us feel good and strong it's like when I sit at my desk for too long it's hurting me.

That's a good clue so let's remember that one,

A symptom of the feelings that come with the thinking.

We need to know these clues so that we can intervene,

Right?

And the third one is a sort of loss of perspective.

It can be a very small thing that's going on,

One relationship in your life maybe not going the way you want it to go,

But all the other hundreds of relationships in your life are going fine.

One part of your life,

Maybe the work you're doing,

Doesn't feel as comfortable as all the other parts that you really enjoy.

And instead of being able to see the whole territory,

There's a binocular kind of laser focus on what's wrong to the point that that thing gets a lot bigger than it really is,

Right?

And as it gets bigger it draws you more to it.

You want to attend more to what's big and dominant and it feels,

Have you ever spoken to someone who's obsessively worried about something that to you seems relatively small?

You look at their lives and you think,

But what about all these other things?

Why aren't they talking about these other things?

And then you say to them,

Maybe we should leave that subject alone.

Let's talk about this and this.

But they keep going back to it.

I work with a lot of clients for whom this is the case.

I say,

Well,

Let's leave that for now.

But they can't leave it.

It's compulsive.

And I've had that feeling myself.

This is something I share in,

I understand this work,

I've worked with this professionally,

Like with a professional,

With myself.

So I find that very helpful,

My own lived experience,

Because I know the difference,

What a difference it makes when you're able to intervene and disconnect from this ruminating tendency.

And it's important because we'll always have a vulnerability to doing it.

What's important is we know what tools to use.

Okay,

So those are the three things to remember that one,

When these things are being over and over and over again,

Motoring in your brain,

It feels like a loop of tape.

Sometimes it's loud,

Sometimes it's soft,

But it won't go away.

And it makes it difficult to be present with what's really happening with your surroundings.

It's distracting.

So when people have car crashes and things,

Often their mind is elsewhere,

As we hear.

Two,

It's very hard to feel anything but that thing.

It's a huge feeling,

There's a loss of perspective.

It's hard to see that the other things in your life are just as worthy of attention,

Especially the ones that make you feel good.

It's hard to feel good about things,

It feels as if you've been hijacked.

And thirdly,

Feelings of anxiety accompany this kind of thinking.

So when we problem solve,

We have to problem solve in life,

We have challenges,

Don't worry,

We have difficulty with certain people,

Certain dynamics,

Certain decisions we have to make.

Normally,

Even if there's some feelings of stress,

We have a feeling of,

No,

This is okay,

These things happen,

I'll sort it out,

Or how are we going to solve this problem?

Rumination isn't problem solving,

Rumination is just going over and over a problem.

Those are two different things.

It doesn't solve it to go over and over it.

It makes it worse.

It makes it more of a problem.

And as you do that,

Your body reacts,

It's like,

This is dangerous,

This is urgent,

This is dangerous,

This is urgent.

And that feeling of urgency tells us that we're in the amygdala part of our brain,

The part associated with flight,

Fight,

Fall,

Or freeze.

The survival cues to you're in danger,

You have to do some kind of extreme behaviour to get out of danger.

And we have caused that high alert by allowing this thing to become dangerous,

When in fact,

It didn't need to.

But a huge dose of compassion here,

There are reasons certain things trigger us,

And it could be that once upon a time,

Maybe when we were very young,

And we had something similar happen to us,

We did feel it was very dangerous,

Or we were in genuine danger.

So we keep working with ourselves with this,

Ah,

There's some hurt or some wound going on here.

So I'm not going to add to that wound by saying,

I'm a ridiculous person who ruminates,

Or I have no control over my feelings,

Or,

You know,

We're not going to go in there and injure ourselves further.

We're going to say,

Wow,

This is big,

Huh?

You know,

Speak to yourself,

I'm here,

I'm with you,

And we're going to sort this out.

We're going to make this feel better.

You're not in any danger,

You are safe.

And I think with anxiety of any kind,

The first thing to do is to get into a place,

A space where you can ground,

Just take those breaths,

Feel your body,

Feel all your senses still operating,

Your connection to life,

Your feet on the ground,

The space around you,

The breath in your body,

And smile gently and say to yourself,

I'm safe.

Nothing bad is happening to me now,

I'm safe.

And you can never remind yourself of that enough.

And the more you remind yourself of that,

You're back in that gym,

The gym of safety,

Of establishing safety.

So we want to keep doing that.

I have this practice every day of my life,

Just as a practice,

However I'm feeling,

Might be feeling on top of the world.

Don't wait for a crisis to bring in the good practices,

Bring them in because they're there and available to you,

And you'll build such a big inner support system and a big inner truth.

The reality is,

You're safe.

And that is the first thing to do with any feelings of anxiety.

So let's go through what I find really useful strategies and tools.

You don't have to use all of them,

But you might want to try these.

First of all,

Identify as soon as possible that you're getting stuck on that loop of tape.

And say to yourself,

I am now ruminating.

So important to label it.

There's something very powerful in labeling something for what it is.

It gives a part of you a sovereignty.

I see what's happening.

I am sovereign of my inner territory.

I'm a good,

Kind boss or queen or king.

I love my territory,

But I see what's happening and I see here there is ruminating.

I don't want that.

Okay,

That's the first step.

Just label it.

And then a second step is you can ask the anxiety,

Feel the anxiety and say to it,

What do you need to remember?

Say to yourself,

What do you need to remember now?

And that might take you back to,

I am safe.

This is just a small part of my life.

I'm not going to help myself.

What would you like to remember?

What would you like to hear from yourself?

This is a technique I learned from a friend who got it from an author whose name I've forgotten right now,

But I'll try and tag this in this post.

Tag her.

And then I just find those words really helpful.

What do you need to remember?

What do you need to hear?

And then have a list handy.

You can have a list handy.

This is extra supportive.

That reminds you of all the ways you've managed to deal with these things before.

That's a great list to build as you start to work with your triggers.

You know,

Things like I can deal with this.

I've dealt with things like this before.

This too will pass.

Or I don't have to think about this now.

I can leave this for now.

It is healthy to leave this for now.

Just lots of encouraging reminders.

I think writing down reminders is a really powerful tool because it's an ally.

When we're anxious we often feel rudderless and having a physical rudder written by a part of you that's wise and strong and nurturing that tells you the truth.

That is gold.

You know,

A note like that.

A golden note.

And then reframe.

Try to do something.

Make the commitment that you're going to stop paying attention to this and you are going to absorb yourself fully in something else.

Now,

That something else should be,

I feel,

And many psychologists feel,

Something that is sensory,

Embodied and physical.

And the reason for that is if you are in your head and working with certain parts of your brain to do with language and expression i.

E.

That's what thinking is and memory,

If you do another activity that's like that,

For example journaling or writing a story or you're using the same part of the brain that you're trying to venture out of other brain territory from.

And it's a fact that a lot of people think when they're journaling that they are doing a good activity because we sort of blindly say that journaling is always good.

But you can use journals to ruminate.

And we don't want to do that because we're strengthening that pathway.

So instead we can step out of that part of the brain and the best way to do that is to go into your body.

And if you do something embodied,

You're also going to raise those neurotransmitters that you need more of to feel less anxious and on high alert.

Your serotonin,

Your endorphin,

Dopamine,

Your oxytocin.

And you're going to lower that cortisol,

Which is going to make it less likely for your brain to heat-seek for problems and take you back into the ruminating path.

Because the high stress chemicals in your body and in your brain are putting you in a part of your brain that wants to heat-seek for the bad news and you want to get into parts of your brain and your body which feel that life is trustworthy and safe and huge and there's a big landscape and a big territory and the lights are on everywhere rather than that laser focus on a problem.

And cortisol gives us the laser focus.

What's the danger?

Where's the danger?

High alert.

More and more senses are tuned into danger,

Right?

But the other neurochemicals give you feelings of relaxation and pleasure and well-being which are very hard when you're in those feelings to think about danger and worry about danger.

And that's where we want to go.

So this is where doing something physical and particularly physical with other people like play a game of volleyball,

Play a game of tennis,

Something where you have to engage with the game because someone else is playing it too,

You know,

From a sport point of view,

I find great because they're going to get really annoyed if you can't hit that ball over the net because you keep going back into your head.

So you are really going to have to concentrate on winning that game,

Right?

And do you see what that does?

That diverts you into a healthier place.

You know,

Go to the gym with a gym buddy,

Go to a yoga class where you can really tune into the voice of the instructor and she will take you,

She or he will take you into your body because that's the job of a yoga instructor.

That's the principal job of a yoga instructor to guide you to connect with your body.

I mean,

Those are a couple of examples of being physical,

You know,

Chop a pile of wood,

You know,

But it needs to be something where you can fully absorb yourself in that task.

And it could be something else.

I like baking,

I like gardening a little bit.

I'm not very good at it,

But I like getting my hands in the earth.

You know,

Go into one of my primary ones if I'm near the ocean is to get into the surf and get knocked about a bit because it's exhilarating and it's incredibly embodied and the ocean kind of does it for you.

Now,

Don't worry or get discouraged if when you start to reframe and get into another activity,

You still feel the tick,

Tick,

Tick of the problem going over and over in your mind.

It's not going to just switch off and we're not trying to switch ourselves off.

That just is going to make things worse.

You're going to give up and say,

This is hopeless.

I'm still thinking about it.

What we're doing is training a part of ourselves that may not be as strong as the ruminating part to get stronger.

So we keep doing the practice.

We keep saying,

I'm going to see what I feel in my body.

I'm going to keep going back into my body.

I'm going to stretch my toes and flex them.

I'm going to roll my ankles and I'm going to ask myself what that feels like.

I'm going to have a cold shower and then turn the heat on.

Then make it cold.

I'm going to say,

What does this feel like?

We're continually guiding ourselves to feel and we are developing those muscles.

Then eventually one day you will realize that you do those things automatically,

That you've established these neural links.

You've established these new pathways and something inside you is guiding you there just as before.

It felt so compelling to be guided the other way.

It becomes natural and compelling to go down these other pathways.

The world will seem bigger and more spacious.

The feeling of safety will be established.

I really encourage you to continue to use those practices.

So the first practice is to remind yourself you're safe and to ground.

The second practice is to label it for what it is.

I'm ruminating.

I'm at the gym of rumination.

I need to leave this gym now and go somewhere else.

The third practice,

Optional if you're struggling,

Have a list of reminders.

Speak to the anxiety.

What do you need to remember?

What do you need to hear?

Then absorb yourself in something physical.

You can even say to myself,

What can I hear right now?

How many sounds?

What can I see right now?

What can I smell right now?

Engage your senses.

Get into your body.

Reframe.

All the time what you're saying to this compelling thought is,

I know you want all of my attention.

I will come back to you.

Imagine you had five or six children and they all wanted you at the same time to do different things.

It would be,

Josh,

I'm with Joe right now tying his shoelaces.

I will come and help you with your hat when I finish with Josh.

You know,

It is just a way of speaking to yourself.

You do not have to do this all the time and you're saying,

I will come back to you when I have time.

Now,

I'm going to give you a final tip that my therapist gave me about 20 years ago when I was going through this,

Which was an amazing tip for me.

It was life changing.

He said,

Tell yourself you're not going to think about this thing.

Whenever it comes up,

You're going to do something else until,

And then give yourself a time like seven o'clock in the evening,

You may think about this thing and go wild with it and think about nothing else for 10 minutes,

15 minutes,

An hour,

Whatever long.

You set a timer and you say,

Right now,

Now you can think about it.

10 or 15 might be too long,

Maybe five.

I'm not saying this as a psychologist myself,

But that was the most powerful technique because your body relaxes.

It starts to ruminate and you say,

I'm not going to think about you now,

But at seven o'clock we'll spend time together and it relaxes.

It's like,

At least I'll get my time.

Then when that time comes,

You can fully indulge that part of you and that makes it less compelling.

Over time,

You're training yourself not to want to be with that thing all the time.

You will have your time with it and then eventually you don't even want that five or 10 minutes at the end of the day.

Very clever technique.

Anyway,

I hope this helps.

I love your feedback.

You often send feedback after hearing these.

Please do.

I appreciate it.

Reviews

I found this very helpful. I look forward to putting this into practice and ruminating less

I found this super helpful and took notes that I can return to when I am absorbed with rumination. I have tried some of the things you suggested before listening & those techniques work for me so I feel confident about trying others you suggested. Thank you!

As a lifelong ruminator, this was incredibly helpful. I look forward to this new practice for breaking the bonds to an exhausting habit! Thank you!!!

Absolutely fabulous! Full of a wealth of wisdom, amazing tips. I was out today and I told myself to stop, as you suggested. I was also struck by the image that came to mind of a cow chewing the cud! 😂 Thank you! X

Thank you for this helpful and practical tips on taming rumination habits. ✨🙏

This was really helpful! I was ruminating on something that came into my life as a wonderful gift. Even though positive, it was causing suffering. Will wait until this evening to indulge, and get on with this day. Don’t want to miss a thing🩷

Real concrete solutions for ruminators. Thank you!!

This is so interesting Alison.
The rumination takes up too much of my mind daily, so I will probably have to listen again take notes, but your way of dealing with rumination sounds very logical.
Thank you dear friend for sharing your light and wisdom. I am very grateful.
Love and Peace 🙏💖🌟

That was fantastic! I will be listening to this a few times for sure. Great practical tips to use when anxious and ruminating. Thank you so much

Thank you !
This is a good reminder
In clear language 🙏😊

Thank you 🙏🏻 I found this hit a nerve with me and was very clearly spoken and understood. I will listen to it again 🩵

This is superb advice. Thank you very much for sharing 🌟

thanks for all the ideas. i’ll definitely try them and let you know if it helps. i’m glad i also was at your live today. it helps me to understand that as a virgo, i tend to ruminate. if it’s normal for me i’m not so hard on myself (if that makes sense) ♍️🦋🕊️🌹🍀🌈🤍🌹✨🪷🕯️🖤🎄

Truly beneficial advice with step by step guidance and practical tips/tricks. Much appreciated 🤗

Lovely, to the point and great tips, thanks for another great resource!

Very helpful. I found it especially helpful to be reminded not to criticize myself for ruminating, and to practice laying down the positive pathways when feeling good too. No need to wait for anxiety to show up to practice feeling safe. Will try the technique of setting a time later in the day to think about the rumination’s topic if I still want to.

Tips on how to recognize ruminations and how to step out of the unhelpful thought pattern.

I love your tips; especially the aspect of using physical sensations to distract oneself from ruminating. This is one reason why I love to play Pickleball. Thank you!!!

Oh my goodness! This talk is EVERYTHING I needed - in so many ways! I am sharing this with others who I suspect will love it as much as I do. My whole brain and body thank you, thank you, thank you.

Really helpful strategies