Choosing You: What To Say When The Answer Is No

If saying no makes you feel anxious, guilty, or afraid of letting people down, you don’t need more courage—you need better words. In this session, you’ll learn practical, non-defensive phrases for saying no at work, with family, and in everyday life. This talk unpacks the reasons you may be staying in patterns of over-giving of yourself, and gives you the language and confidence to honour your needs while staying kind and respectful.

Note: You can skip through the talk and get straight to the questions by starting the audio at around 18.40 minutes in.

You may find this Havening track, "Today I Choose Me," helpful too.

Transcript

Hello my friends,

I'm Alison.

I'm a psychology informed coach and meditation teacher and my work is about helping people strengthen and expand what's good and trustworthy inside them,

Especially in a world that constantly pulls attention towards things like urgency and pressure and overwhelm and we all know that world.

So thank you for joining me and in this particular session I'm going to unpack with you why for so many of us we really struggle to say yes to the things that are healthy and good and aligned for us because we have a chronic fear of saying no.

And then I'm going to give you some simple and clear and reasonable phrases to help you say the that you already know you want to say but you don't know how to voice and maybe you're afraid to voice that no.

And I'm going to share these phrases across common situations that we all recognize.

Work,

Family,

Social invitations,

Emotional demands and those inner demands,

Those ones that really pressure us the most,

The voices in our own heads.

I want to start with the bigger picture of what I teach around choosing a life of balance,

Satisfaction and joy.

These are the things that we come here for and it's inside of us to architect that for ourselves.

But what we need to do that first is to create agency within ourselves,

Not to ask for other people's permission or validation or wait till we're not afraid anymore.

We need to just remember that who we are is who we can own,

The real us.

It belongs to us and therefore it belongs in the world.

It's about being able to sense what's true for us and then having ways to live in alignment with that.

And one of the things that people ask me for most often,

It's a very practical thing,

Is can you just give me the words?

Isn't it funny how when we're flustered,

When we're doing something that feels wrong to us even though it's right,

We get very confused about what to say or words can stick in our throats and it's really useful to have some handy phrases in your pocket.

Because saying no can feel really hard and for many people genuinely unsafe.

And that's why in that moment we do get flustered,

We do lose access to language and so often we end up over apologizing or over explaining or over justifying ourselves when all we're doing is saying no.

None of that is actually necessary and it can even subtly imply that we're doing something wrong by saying no when obviously we're not,

We're not committing a crime.

Many people are able to say their yeses and their no's and they're not criminals and they're not bad or wrong.

They're creating really good,

Cheerful,

Healthy boundaries that respect themselves,

Their energy,

Their capacity and therefore respect others because we give to others from our energy and our capacity.

We have to be realistic and take a read on that before we commit to things.

And safety actually comes from clarity,

From being clear,

Not from over explaining or justifying.

But before we get into these phrases it really matters to validate some deeper things.

Saying no isn't about being firm,

It isn't about being selfish,

It isn't about being unkind.

These are just narratives that you may have picked up on growing up and internalized.

Saying no is about staying with yourself.

When you can access your no confidently,

Your body will show you you're in the right place because it will finally stop bracing.

Your life will show you you're in the right place because you won't feel constantly in cycles of burnout or overwhelmed or exhausted.

Because the energy that used to go into managing,

Pleasing or over-functioning,

Being a perfectionist comes back online for you,

Your nervous system,

Your life.

And that's why it's our bodies that show us.

What they have capacity for and what they don't,

Sometimes in subtle ways,

Sometimes in really strong ways.

Once you get confident using your no,

What people often notice is they have more physical ease,

They're clearer thinking,

They're less able to be triggered,

They're less reactive and they have less resentment.

You know that resentment we sometimes get,

No one appreciates me,

No one sees me,

Everyone asks so much of me,

You know.

And they say more genuine yeses,

Which brings so much goodness into their lives.

There are yeses that want to be honored and respected,

That we disrespect when we give a untruthful no.

A no that we think is going to please someone other than us and therefore is the right thing to do.

There's a lot of sacrifice there for our own needs and wants.

And what these people carry is a quiet sense of self-respect and self-trust that you have your own back.

What it means is your nervous system is beginning to trust you because you're listening to it.

And that's not selfishness my friends,

That's self-leadership,

It's ownership,

It's agency.

And we really have a responsibility to be there.

These things,

Self-leadership,

Ownership,

Agency,

Having your own back,

Listening to your body,

These are the foundation for living an authentic life where there is health and balance,

Where there is satisfaction and joy.

The life you came here to have,

That your body is guiding you to and where you can trust yourself to create that for yourself.

Our bodies are always signaling to us our yes and our no in physical ways and we need to get in touch with that.

If you're someone who often feels overwhelmed and burned out or like there's just too much on your plate,

It's very likely you might have symptoms in your body such as a very tight jaw or very tight shoulders or lower back pain.

That bracing of the nervous system because it's trying to manage things outside of its container,

Its capacity.

You might be someone who breathes or talks really quickly and talking from that shallow place,

Breathing from that shallow place,

I beg your pardon,

From your chest rather than from your whole body.

These things are usually a strong sign that you're saying yes to too many things and you're not saying enough no's because of course a no and a yes,

When you're saying no to yourself,

You're saying yes to all sorts of problems often.

Now sometimes people think they're saying yes to themselves by refusing to say no to demands,

Invitations and so on and to pressure because for a small second or two,

For a temporary time,

They feel less anxious.

They feel less anxious because they haven't let anyone down,

They don't feel guilty.

These are the things people get anxious about,

Right?

The feelings of what you're going to feel after you say no,

That someone's disappointed in you,

That you're not doing enough etc etc and we'll get into that.

That's not a truthful yes,

That's just a no that's based on wanting to feel safe against these kind of symptoms which are not necessary to have.

As I say,

We'll get into that.

What is a truthful yes in your body?

When you really,

Really feel that's a yes for me,

There's an enthusiasm,

There's a lightening up or it might feel like relief,

Landing,

Having space or a settling,

A calm.

I'll give you an example of that.

An example is saying yes to having a cozy evening on your own,

Doing what genuinely restores you,

Eating the food you like,

Wrapping in a blanket,

Reading by the fire or watching your favorite show on Netflix,

Long Bath,

You know,

Catching up with yourself instead of pushing yourself to go out when you're already depleted.

But a lot of people do push themselves to go out when what they really want and what their body is really going to benefit from and craves,

Those are the signals,

Is to say yes to that cozy evening.

And of course the opposite can be true.

Saying yes to connection can feel like a balm if you've been working alone and you're craving human contact and some fun and some shared experience.

The point is we all have our own personal yeses and nos and those are the ones that we need to listen to and balance with the other things in our lives,

Some of which are very necessary but we always want to come back into balance.

A real yes invites what's attractive and nourishing and genuine and a truthful no has its own clear signals.

For instance when someone makes a request that adds demand when your capacity is already stretched,

A no might show up as tightness in the chest,

Holding in the body,

Shallow breath or this sense of being squeezed and pressurized,

Kind of makes your body go tight and hunched.

So your body does answer very clearly to the invitations and demands,

Which brings us to the important question,

Why is it that even with these clear signals when our body says no,

Sometimes to the point of illness or fatigue that's chronic,

We so often go ahead and say yes anyway.

It's not because we don't feel the no,

We often feel it very strongly.

It's because we're afraid to voice it.

I hear people say things like I can't say no because I don't want to let people down or I don't want to be judged,

I want to be seen as a good person.

But if we listen closely what these phrases are really saying underneath that,

Those narratives,

Is it doesn't feel safe for me to honor my own needs,

Energy and capacity.

It doesn't feel safe to show up for myself and as myself in the world.

That's big isn't it?

Take a pause with that.

And when it doesn't feel safe to show up as yourself in the world,

It means it feels safer to disappear yourself.

We're often afraid to say no because at some point saying no didn't feel safe,

Usually in our early life.

It may have led to conflict,

A fear of abandonment,

Your genuine withdrawal,

Being made to feel guilty or ashamed or being seen as difficult.

And what happens when we're young and our nervous system is developing is it looks for what's safe.

It learns rules from these experiences in order to know what's safe going forward.

So our nervous system can learn a simple rule,

Stay agreeable,

Keep the peace,

Don't risk disconnection.

And the fear isn't that our no is wrong,

It's that we might lose something precious to us if we honor it.

We might lose our inner peace because we feel guilty or ashamed.

We might lose belonging because people might be disappointed in us and we can dramatize that into then I won't have any people in my life.

But who are the people you want in your life?

The ones you have to please?

The ones you have to sacrifice yourself for?

Or the ones who love and care for you and want to be with you just the way you are?

Who we really are is related to our true belonging.

This is why having simple steady language matters so much because we want to update our nervous system that's feeling these tensions.

We want to update it from that past where those tensions were internalized to the safety we have in the present.

So we can heal and rewire these old patterns literally so they won't stick around anymore.

And it takes time,

It takes practice,

And yes it's going to take playing your edge,

Allowing the discomfort without undoing the no.

The discomfort is what's stopping you from saying no.

It's not going to vanish just because you have these phrases I'm going to give you,

But I'm going to encourage you to know that discomfort is not a cue to reverse your decision.

And you can say that to myself.

I may feel uncomfortable but that isn't to stop me.

It's not a stop sign.

What is it?

It's an echo of an old habit that is going to lose its grip.

It's losing its grip every time you say a genuine honest no,

Even though you might be shaking and quaking a little on the inside.

And these habits,

By the way,

They don't mean you're weak.

It means you've adapted around what you've learned.

They didn't come from nowhere and they came from a very key part of human life,

Which is learning how to belong.

But they were dysfunctional and maladaptive for the life that you are now in charge of as an adult,

This self-agency.

So you can feel that fear and keep going and over time it'll dissolve.

You won't feel it anymore and you'll feel so proud of yourself.

So be kind as you go through this process.

Be curious.

Do it for younger you.

Do it for future you too.

You're not just saying words.

You're reshaping your nervous system into a system that you want it to be,

The one that belongs to you,

The one with peace and joy instead of anxiety and overwhelm.

And here's a hot tip for you regarding using these phrases.

I'm going to say them you're going to be able to come back to.

You even find out at which point in this audio they begin and you can practice them in private a few times first or as many times as you like in front of the mirror,

The shower,

Wherever.

Practice them with yourself so you can get comfortable and familiar with them.

And you can get comfortable and familiar with the feelings of discomfort that usually push you to a yes and they can integrate together.

And just keep remembering that if no feels uncomfortable doesn't mean it's wrong.

Lots of people are saying no.

They're not wrong.

They're not bad.

I'm one of those people.

It means you're free.

It means you're leaving an old pattern.

So you're practicing in safety so that you can show up with steadiness.

And one thing you can do while you're saying these words in private is place a hand on your chest and one on your belly.

Slow your exhale and remind yourself,

Feeling your feet on the ground and your hands against your body,

I am allowed to choose myself.

And in the description of this track I'm going to point you to a couple of my tracks about choosing yourself that will help you embody that too as an accompaniment if that's something hard for you.

And doing this will help your nervous system clear language,

The phrases,

With safety instead of the opposite.

And the words will begin to feel more natural because you're learning to stay connected and regulated with them.

And then when the moment comes in real life you'll have already practiced being with yourself through it.

So you don't need to learn to say no by pushing yourself into hard moments.

What you're doing is you're learning by teaching your nervous system that it is safe to stay with yourself.

Okay?

So let's do it.

Let's hear the phrases.

And I'm just going to ground you.

You don't need the other person to respond in a particular way to tell you you were right to say no.

Right?

That's not what we're looking for.

It's right for you.

Stay in your own body.

You don't need the other person to agree in order for your no to be valid.

I want you to remember that.

Your calm,

Kind no is already complete on its own no matter what the response.

And these phrases are designed to help your nervous system stay settled and not escalate into guilt or over justifying or appeasing.

So we'll begin with saying no to a social invitation because we're going to hopefully get some social invitations but we don't want to take on all of them on.

And especially there are certain times when we can't take them on because our body hasn't got the energy or the capacity and that's what we're respecting.

And you know often this relationship,

The person who's asking us,

It matters to us.

So we want to stay warm without self-abandoning.

Here's some phrases.

Thank you so much for thinking of me.

I won't be able to make it this time.

And don't say but or I'm sorry.

You don't need to apologize.

You haven't done anything wrong.

It is a fact that you can't make it.

Thank you so much for thinking of me.

I won't be able to make it this time.

That sounds lovely and I'm going to pass this time.

That sounds lovely and I'm going to pass this time.

I hope it goes really well for you.

I'll be in touch.

You know we're not saying I'm never going to speak to you again.

I'm going to move to a desert island.

I'm not saying anything criminal or aggressive.

That sounds lovely and I'm going to pass this time.

I'm not available but I really appreciate the invite.

I love this one.

I'm not available,

Fact,

But I really appreciate the invite.

Which is how I feel actually.

I do turn down a number of invitations.

I have to honour and respect my energy.

I have some chronic conditions in the background and I'm thriving because I respect them.

But I do appreciate being invited and if someone said that to me I'd love that.

You know if someone said that to you you may be disappointed not to see them this time but you wouldn't take that as a bad thing.

So those are your three.

Thank you so much for thinking of me.

I won't be able to make it.

That sounds lovely.

I'm going to pass this time.

Have a great time.

I'm not available but I really appreciate the invite.

Which one of those might you use?

These all acknowledge the person,

They're grateful but they're not negotiating your boundary.

Our next category is saying no to volunteering time or extra help and these are especially helpful for people pleasers because people pleasers often feel responsible,

Overly responsible for others' needs and happiness and we can be taught as we're growing up to sacrifice our needs and happiness for someone else's.

That's not a good teaching by the way.

So we want to deprogram that and teach ourselves something better.

What we really want to say is I'm saying no so I can stay well.

Bring it back to you,

Right?

Bring it back to yourself and we can use honesty without adding drama by going into explanations and justifications.

In a grounded way say I'm not able to take that on right now.

I'm not able to take that on right now.

I appreciate you asking me.

At this time I don't have the capacity for that.

That's not something I can commit to right now.

You can even say I've noticed I'm getting overloaded and so I'm protecting my time at the moment.

I've noticed I'm getting overloaded and so I'm protecting my time and health at the moment and that's actually really good modeling for others.

These statements give a lot of permission to others.

So many people,

I've been a teacher for 15 years in this space and so many of my students and clients have said to me that I model permission really well because I live life this way and they notice it and they that's what they love most.

You know when you can't find permission in yourself you need modelers around you so you could be the modeler.

There are other people experiencing what you are right?

A lot.

Saying no,

Our next category,

When something misaligns with your values.

You know the last thing we want to do is do something that really misaligns with our values.

You don't need to explain why your values say no.

You don't need to get into argument or debate.

You just want to stay grounded without debating or moralizing.

You know getting on a soapbox.

Try these.

That doesn't feel aligned for me.

I'm going to pass is not a fit.

That's not something I'm comfortable with.

I don't feel good saying yes to that.

That's a no for me.

Which one of those feels like it was it could be something you would try saying?

And now here's a very useful category which is saying no to pressure,

Persuasion or repeated asking.

Right and these are phrases that will help when people keep pushing you on your answer.

They don't want to hear that no.

What you need to know is that if they think by pushing you to change your mind,

They're not respecting your genuine truthful answer.

That's disrespectful of you.

It's not that they didn't hear you.

It's that they didn't believe you and they didn't believe that you would be able to stand firm on that.

They believe you're someone who can be manipulated or coerced or pressured.

And that even if they do it from the best intentions in a way,

That's disrespectful.

And I just also want to point out that sometimes it's to be fair we encourage this because if in the past we've shown ourselves to be easily persuaded to sacrifice our needs for someone else's or vulnerable to being pushed or we do change our mind under pressure,

Then of course it's no wonder people are going to keep using that strategy because it's worked before right.

And we haven't made it credible when we say give an answer that we're going to stick to that answer.

So they're going to have to learn you know they're dealing with a different person now and that can be interesting to see how people respond but don't take it on.

You're doing the right thing.

So all you're going to do in this case when there's pressure or being pushed is you're very you're just going to tell them again right.

You're just going to repeat yourself briefly,

Simply,

Not adding,

Not explaining,

Not getting into it.

Just say the thing again.

Repetition is not rudeness.

It's clarity.

They obviously haven't gotten the message.

To clarify I've given my answer.

You know maybe they didn't maybe you didn't hear me.

I've given my answer.

That doesn't work for me.

I'm still a no.

I can't change my mind.

I'm not changing my mind.

This is important to me.

You know you don't have to say this is important to me.

Just say I hear you.

I understand and my answer is still no.

You know now there are certain people who that you've never pushed back before.

You know that's going to be a bit different for them but this is how you realize who respects you and who doesn't and you know why lose your self-respect for someone who isn't giving you respect.

Yeah remember what we really need to say my friends is a no that comes without guilt or over apologizing.

I can't stress this enough.

So many of us say sorry automatically.

I'm so sorry but I can't.

I'm so sorry and the reason I can't a long long list.

There's long texts,

Emails,

Voice messages,

Answers and really you're drowning out your own voice.

You're obscuring your truth in all of this because you're saying I know it's wrong.

I know I shouldn't be doing this.

I know I should be saying yes but here are my reasons to saying no and nobody asked you.

If someone doesn't ask you to explain which usually people won't.

They just want to know if you're coming or not right or you if you can do it or not.

There'll be someone else they can ask.

They don't then don't tell them.

You don't have to share anything with them about your process.

They haven't asked for your process.

They just want to know yes or no.

So keep remembering that.

This can be a lot of training for people who overly share their process okay and share it to everybody especially when they feel guilty or embarrassed.

So instead of that stand on your own two feet.

Steady yourself.

I'm going to say no.

I'm choosing not to.

That doesn't work for me.

Full stop.

No emotional labor required.

I had a voice in my head that I used all the time.

I still use it which is I could but I choose not to and I you know I'll say it to I'll say it to people in a kind of fun fun way.

I could do that but I choose not to you know.

I get asked to do lots of things.

I'm a public figure.

I do content offer a lot of content for free.

I do a lot of social media people see me sometimes as over accessible.

I do love to be in touch with all of you with everybody but of course you know there's only one of me.

I have to honor that and I have to have boundaries.

So you know often I'm asked to collaborate with things or offer another thing you know or could you do a series on this and you know sometimes it's I well no because there aren't the hours in the day or it's not a priority for me or it will involve sacrifice of something else that is a priority like being with my family or doing other work or sacrifice me showing up for my clients but sometimes it's just like yeah I could do that but I I think that you know I'd rather point you to another teacher who's already done that because that's not really what I'm focusing on at the moment and that's in my head I'm going well I could but I choose not to so I'm really pointing you to I'm choosing not to.

It doesn't work for you.

You're not available to that okay that's not something you're available to and of course the parallel work with this is what am I available to.

If you've been a you know a yes person as they call them right saying yes to everything that's a really strong pathway to disconnecting from ourselves and losing ourselves so we want to begin to regenerate who are we what are we about what do we want to invest our time and energy what lights us up what do we love what nourishes us what gives us health balance peace satisfaction what are our values you know and we really want to do that for ourselves as a parallel to this brave work of boundaries and saying no I just want to remind you you don't owe people your exhaustion to prove that you're kind and a no that keeps you regulated is always kinder than a yes that builds resentment.

I have more categories that we can say no to the last category I'm going to give you though in this talk is saying no to your own inner pressure but I'd love to invite you to come along to the live sessions I do on choosing ourselves that are regular and weekly and also if you'd like me to add another talk with some other ways to say no other circumstances just write to me email me via the app or make comments in your review section and let me know here are some other instances it might be family pressure or people who are constantly emotionally burdening you and how to deal with that but the big one here the one we're going to finish on the one that I have found is the main one for me is saying no to your own inner pressure.

These are the phrases that people rarely think to say to themselves I don't need to do this today I'm allowed to stop this can wait I'm not required to push I choose enough for now I don't need to earn rest relaxation pleasure this is often where the real relief lives and if you're there with yourself the external boundaries are so much easier.

What I encourage you to do if you're practicing saying no in new and different ways is notice your body after you say no if you feel any part of you a little steadier more spacious or relieved that's your confirmation remember there's real relief and false relief expect that comfortability edge at first if it feels uncomfortable it doesn't mean it's wrong it means you're leaving these old patterns of guilt and self-doubt fear of disappointing people urges to over explain these all come from younger parts that learned that staying agreeable kept connection that saying no led to conflict or withdrawal and that love was conditional but that's not you now nothing is wrong here those parts are responding to old information and the parts in the present are just saying thank you thank you thank you so let them say thank you to you name what you did I protected myself I chose what was right for me let the body register that action as care and not danger and remember you can offer yourself reassurance in your body you can place a hand on your chest or your belly and you can say you're safe we're okay I've got you then you feel the real relief noticing where the body has softened or settled and let yourself stay with that for a few breaths that's how new patterns take root and when others push back you know the people who benefited from your yes might not like it remind yourself you're not responsible for managing that you're not responsible they are people are responsible for managing their own disappointment their own frustration their own adjustment to your change you can stay kind and firm that's their work and you know it can help change is much easier when it's witnessed so if you can get some support if you can tell one trusted person you're practicing saying no and debrief with them you know and choose places and spaces that do reinforce your self-trust and practices I have a lot in my library you're keeping honoring yourself and you're keeping witnessing yourself and that's going to speed up the process the discomfort passes my friends the self-trust stays and that's brilliant so thank you for being with this talk please share it with anyone you know who might benefit do pop into my description so that you can see a couple of links to other practices that just brief ones that will help you feel safe in your body as you choose yourself and until next time bye for now

Reviews

Such beneficial and practical wisdom shared in the track on saying no. I will definitely be sharing. Thank you, Alison!