The Truth About Loneliness (That No One Talks About)

We all feel lonely sometimes, but what if loneliness isn’t what we think it is? In this talk, we’ll break down the truth about loneliness. Why it’s more of a mindset than a life sentence and how shifting your perspective can make all the difference. No fluff, no clichés, just real talk, practical insights, and a fresh way to look at being alone. Whether you’re struggling with loneliness or just curious about the topic, this might just change the way you see things.

Transcript

Hey there dear friend,

Thank you so much for tuning in from wherever you are in the world.

Here in Melbourne it is nice and hot yet rainy,

Go figure that out,

But regardless I'm glad to have you here.

So thank you.

This is a topic that I think is very important because I hear about it all the time.

I hear from various people that,

And sometimes even from myself,

That sometimes you feel lonely and because you don't have many people around,

You don't have many people to talk to and it can not only make you feel like you are of less worth,

But it can also have a tremendous impact on your self esteem.

So something I definitely think is worth addressing and talking about.

Before we do,

Let me just point out that loneliness is a word.

It is a word that we choose to use and it is not only a word,

It is a state of mind.

And unfortunately we use this word when we talk to ourselves and when we are very critical of ourselves and of our state.

So the first thing I want to point out is that our mindset is so important.

And that is the first thing you should look at evaluating is how can I transform my mindset to that of a more empowering one and of a less critical one.

Because negative self talk is pretty much a condition that can inhibit us from achieving our full potential and grow as individuals.

So that's the first thing I want to point out.

Now loneliness to me is something that we create in our own minds.

It is nothing but a mindset.

And the mistake that we often make is that we seem to put loneliness and being alone under the same umbrella when the two cannot be further apart.

One for example is a state of mind and the other one is a physical state.

Let me explain.

You could have all the friends,

You could have a thousand friends,

People from all walks of life.

You could be walking down the street and every single person will know you and say hi to you and want to hang out with you yet still feel lonely.

And on the other hand you can only have one friend who you see once a year for three hours,

Let's just use an extreme hypothetical,

And not feel lonely at all.

You can feel like you receive all the love in the world and that's enough for you.

So I want to just firstly emphasize how important it is to realize that this is just a state of mind that we're talking about.

And there's proof in the pudding.

So let me give you examples of people who thrive in solitude.

So you've got monks who can only achieve this state of enlightenment that they are striving to achieve by being alone.

They can only learn about their spiritual state by being alone.

There are writers,

Writers who need this time alone,

Who feed off their time alone,

Who find inspiration from being alone.

And you have people who are explorers,

Who go on hikes,

Who go and travel the world,

And they just need this time alone.

They're not lonely.

Just because they are in a physical state of being alone,

It doesn't mean they're lonely.

So I just want to get this out of the way to remind you that just because you are on your own,

You may live alone,

You may have not seen anyone for a whole week or month,

It doesn't matter.

That doesn't make you lonely.

So the first thing you need to do,

The first thing I want you to do,

Is to reframe your mind.

Stop seeing yourself as someone who is lonely and start thinking of yourself as someone who is alone and who chooses to use this time alone to inspire him or herself and ascend spiritually.

That's the first thing I want to say.

The second thing I want to say,

And it sort of links us to meditation as well,

Because the meditation teaches us to avoid expectations at all costs.

So when we put too many expectations on ourselves and we assign too much pressure on ourselves,

What seems to happen is that we tend to get disappointed.

So if you are putting all this social pressure on yourself and you're expecting constant social connection,

The problem with that is that you're going to feel lonelier than you actually are.

So you want to reframe that time that you spend alone and set the expectations in a way that is more flexible and broad.

The next thing I want you to do is think about loneliness not as a negative state.

Think of it as an opportunity.

An opportunity to discover yourself,

To learn more about yourself.

An opportunity to explore your creative boundaries.

An opportunity for personal growth.

This moment or these moments of being alone,

Of not being in the presence of too many people,

Can actually help you ascend.

It can actually help you grow in ways you never even thought possible.

And just think about it.

There are so many people who used solitude in history to create and to invent and to take their lives to new heights.

For example,

Guys like Einstein or the Buddha or Moses,

If we want to go way back,

But they all use these moments of loneliness to communicate with themselves or with a higher being or even with their inner sense of creativity.

And that's where I think that if you start learning to adopt meditation as something that is positive and is something that is welcome in your life,

You can use this meditation as a tool to make the most out of being lonely,

As a tool to explore yourself during those times of being alone.

Another thing I have an issue with is how we were conditioned by society to think that being alone is actually a bad thing.

We get told by society,

By our parents,

By our teachers,

By books,

By movies,

That being alone is an undesirable state.

Now,

While there is some truth to the fact that humans are social beings and we feed off each other socially,

It's also important to be aware that just because you're alone doesn't mean you can't make the most of it and it doesn't mean that you can't still appreciate the people in your life in a positive way.

And in today's 21st century,

Even communicate with people in your life despite being in separate vicinities.

We need to recondition our brains to understand deeply how much of an illusion this mindset is.

It's not real.

It's just something that we were conditioned to believe.

And it doesn't help that,

Yes,

We do live in the 21st century.

We have pretty much infinite access to social connections in a variety of different ways through a variety of different mediums.

But also,

When we're on social media too much,

It can also put a burden on us.

It can put this weight on our shoulders and make us feel even lonelier.

On that note,

I would suggest to just take a break from social media and use it just like you would use something that is an effective tool,

But also in moderation because you don't want it to harm you as well.

And I'm a big believer in cultivating friendships that are valuable.

And once you have cultivated those friendships,

Find ways to keep harvesting and refining those friendships and growing with those friendships because that's very,

Very important.

Quality over quantity.

Our friendship groups,

In many ways,

Can be a defining factor in how happy we are and how alone or connected we feel.

So if you don't really have a good friendship group as we speak,

Feel free to just go and join a club and meet people through a variety of hobbies or interests.

And you can share those interests and connect with people.

So I just want to point out to you again,

I want to reiterate,

You are not lonely.

You are not lonely because now we are going to shift our mindsets and we're going to shift it from a mindset of loneliness and negativity to a mindset of,

Okay,

I'm alone.

I'm going to use this time to grow and I'm going to make the most of those relationships.

And if I don't have them,

I'm going to make them,

I'm going to bring them into my life.

So the first step to doing that is reframing your language.

So oftentimes when we speak to ourselves,

We can be so hard on ourselves,

So hard.

We can speak to ourselves in ways that is critical.

And I do that.

Admittedly,

We all do it when we go through bad times in our lives.

So you have to now,

Instead of saying,

I am lonely,

Oh God,

I'm feeling so lonely today.

You have to stop saying that.

And instead you have to say something like,

Maybe I'm just alone right now,

But I'm looking forward to catching up with X,

Y,

Z in the near future.

Or if you really feel like you are lonely,

Say instead,

I'm feeling lonely now,

Right now,

My current circumstances are lonely,

As opposed to I am lonely.

Okay?

Because if you say I am lonely,

You're defining a personality state or even a part of you.

If you say I'm feeling right now lonely,

Right now in this moment,

I'm lonely,

You understand that it's temporary and that it's going to go eventually.

Okay?

So it's very important for you to emphasize to your subconscious that those emotions you're experiencing are temporary and that eventually it'll go away and you're going to feel great and you're going to move on to better and bigger things.

So it's how we respond to it that determines their impact.

Okay?

Very important for you to remember that.

You might hear rain in the background and it's because it's raining outside and I'm doing this talk here in my study.

So just ignore that and focus on my words.

Now another thing I love about meditation and mindfulness is because it helps us understand this philosophy of impermanence.

So when we meditate,

We learn to feel and observe those emotions,

Okay,

Of loneliness,

So to speak.

But we do so without judgment,

With the understanding that they are,

Again,

Just fleeting moments.

So we essentially are detaching from those emotions and understanding them for what they are,

Which is temporary thoughts that we have created due to some emotional state and that very soon they're going to go away and we will be more in charge of our emotional state.

So mindfulness meditation can be a fantastic way for us to do this.

So how are we going to shift our mindset,

Right,

From that of a lonely mindset to that of a slightly more empowered mindset?

The first thing I would suggest you do is be grateful.

Focus on gratitude,

What you have rather than what you lack.

So if you're feeling alone and you're feeling lonely and you're saying to yourself,

I'm so lonely,

What do I do?

Instead of saying that,

Instead of being in this negative state,

Say to yourself,

Okay,

What am I grateful for?

I'm grateful that I have a home.

I'm grateful that I have access to clubs that I can join.

I'm grateful that I may know someone on the other side of the world who may want to hear from me.

I may have not spoken to them in 15 years,

10 years,

Five years,

That doesn't matter.

But if I reach out to them,

They may be happy to hear from me.

That's something to be grateful for.

It's so important to recognize that for which you can and should be grateful and that can instantly help you realize that these whole emotions you're experiencing are merely the wrong perspective and you just want to shift your paradigm to something that is more positive and uplifting.

Another way is to connect with yourself.

And I offer a fantastic self-love meditation on my Insight Timer profile.

So if you head to my Insight Timer profile,

Check out the self-love meditation.

It'll help empower you and it'll help you connect with yourself better and make you feel more valued.

But I also have a positivity meditation and that also can shift your mindset and can also shift your paradigm to help you just see yourself differently and see the world a little differently.

Another thing you can do,

And I mentioned,

I touched on that just before,

Take initiative.

Go out there,

Meet people,

Go chat to people,

Join a club,

Maybe join a meditation class or a yoga class or a Tai Chi class.

But through these clubs,

Through these very positive interactions,

You can actually explore friendships and there's a running club in Melbourne that people just go for runs together and then after that they just catch up and have a coffee,

Which is fantastic.

You have one thing in common,

Running.

You may have nothing else in common,

But that one thing in common can bring you together and at the very least,

Once a week,

You'll have a group that you can connect with and feel a little more valued than what you do now.

So that's a fantastic way to look at it.

So another thing I want you to understand is that just because you don't have people around you doesn't mean that you're not with yourself,

That you can't be with yourself,

That you can't appreciate your own company.

So regardless of whether you're in a physical state of being alone or whether you are with thousands of people,

The most important person you're spending time with is yourself.

You really need to cherish this time,

This quality time that you're spending with yourself and that alone should make you feel like you're not lonely.

So try to read more,

Maybe engage in some spiritual exercise,

A hobby.

I was interestingly walking down one of our main streets near the beach a few days ago actually and I saw a lady there at a bar on her own and she was doing Lego.

She was putting together Lego pieces at a bar on her own and she was the happiest person at the bar and she made the most of this time.

She was giving herself this love,

This joy.

The glass of wine,

She had one glass finished so she had a second glass she was drinking from and just enjoying giving herself this love and I loved seeing that.

It's fantastic and it showed to me and it reaffirmed to me that you don't need to be around people to feel like you are in a state of belonging,

Okay?

You can do that on your own.

Loneliness and being alone are two separate states.

So I'm going to encourage you now to go out there,

Explore what makes you happy,

Explore your hobbies,

Okay?

Maybe meet people.

Go out there and maybe take a small little action,

Join again a Tai Chi class or a board game class or a certain sports club.

Step out there and put yourself out there.

I encourage you to.

It's not going to be comfortable but you'll thank yourself down the track,

Okay?

It's so important for you to do so.

I also encourage you to possibly even read a little bit more about spiritual teachings,

Right?

Because in Buddhism,

The concept of impermanence is something I found personally extremely powerful because you learn that the state you're feeling,

Whatever state it is,

In this case loneliness,

It'll come and it'll go and I think it is just another level of wisdom and maturity as a person.

Also stoic philosophy,

Right?

When I think of stoic philosophy,

Which I've just finished reading a great book about stoicism,

Teaches us that the external circumstances in which we live don't dictate our happiness.

It is our perception that dictates our happiness.

The power is in how you view the world,

Not in how the world views you.

You hold the keys to your kingdom of happiness.

Very very important.

In other religious texts,

Like I can speak on behalf of Judaism and Christianity,

The Judeo-Christian texts,

Emphasize very strictly that when you are alone,

When you're on your own and you use this time correctly,

Okay,

You use this time to connect to yourself,

You can actually expose yourself to a more divine connection with a higher being.

So there's a lot of value and I really want to hear from you.

I want you to take on this approach and feel free to let me know in the comments how it helped you.

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

I want to wish you so many more years of happiness and joy and fulfillment because you deserve it and the very fact that you're here shows to me that you're someone who wants what's best for themselves.

You really love yourself,

So good for you.

And I'll see you.

Feel free.

Again,

Check out my meditations on Inside Timer.

I've got some fantastic stuff and you can check out the other ones as well.

There are plenty,

Thousands of amazing teachers on here.

And I hope to see you again.

I hope to see your name pop up in comments,

Reviews and yeah,

Or in my lives and we'll chat soon.

All right guys,

Much love.

Reviews

I love this! It really helped reframe what being alone really is. Thank you!

Thank u so much . This is what I really needed to hear.. i loved all yr advice . Looking forward to listening to yr other talks .

I agree with you whole heartedly. Good work by you.

Thank you! 😊

I loved this! I hated being alone for a long time until I realized I hated it because I was avoiding my own thoughts and feelings. Now, I prefer it, but it didn’t happen overnight! I also really resonated with what you said about society. Who is “society” and why am I trying to please “society” when it’s not pleasing to me? Great message, I felt understood for once 🙂

Great talk just what I needed thanks 🙏

Being an introvert, I was always good at being alone and never thought of myself as being lonely until recently a connection with someone who was very dear to me was cut pretty abruptly. Now I do feel lonely, because even though I do connect with other people, it feels like there is a difference between ‘superficial ‘ contacts and feeling like there was a deeper sense of being heard and seen and cared for. Finding and building that kind of relationship again is hard. It is true that it is an opportunity for growth and getting out of my comfort zone, and that you have to be your own best company first, but it also feels as if I am looking for a missing piece.

Very nice thank you. I think we all worry about what other people think about our solo lives and life style. And even those in relationships can be lonely. However for me I enjoy my solo lifestyle and the fact I can do what I want when I want without compromise. That is the joy of living alone. We all get lonely at times, and there is good advice about expanding your horizons here. Or get a dog if you have retired? Great company and way to meet people. Do an evening class. I just would like to find a travelling companion I think. Will think about that. Thanks for the talk. 🙏🏼❤️

I totally agree - it is a state of mind. Words have power. Select them wisely. I am alone but not lonely.

Such an insightful talk Alex, and so true. I love my alone time, for audio books, crafts and being in nature.
Your tips about being proactive and maybe joining clubs is spot on. There are so many things to join these days, also lots online too, so even those stuck at home have endless choices.
So often the people who seen to say they are lonely seem to be sitting back and waiting for life and people to come to their door - but they have to take the first step too.
You are right about social media, and the comparison with others' lives, but mostly what we see is just stage managed exerts and not everything - warts and all.

Thank you for that Talk. It was a good reminder to not listen to the mind and focus on what you have to be grateful for. I feel much better after that.
Much gratitude to you for your offerings and being there❤️🙏🏼

Excellent talk, Alex! I don't feel lonely often and cherish my alone time. Some good suggestions though to keep in mind. Thanks my friend ❤

What a fantastic talk! This was super helpful & I plan on sharing it with loved ones. Thank you! 🙏🏻