Walking Through Life Intentionally

Alex sits down with writer and life coach, Jamila Reddy, to discuss self-value, self-care, and walking through life intentionally. This podcast acts as a reminder that it's not just finding your self-value that is important but truly believing it.

Transcript

Hi,

Insight Timer community.

I am Alex L.

I'm an author,

Wellness consultant,

And podcaster whose intention is to connect people and build community through writing,

Self-care,

And storytelling.

Today I'm sharing an episode from my podcast,

Hey Girl,

With you.

I sat down with writer and life coach Jamila Reddy to discuss self-value,

Self-care,

Buddhism,

And walking through life intentionally.

This conversation originally aired in the summer of 2018,

And it's an honor to be able to rebroadcast it during Black History Month on Insight Timer.

Thank you for being here.

Thank you for listening.

And I hope you enjoy this chat with Jamila.

Take care.

Hi,

I'm Alex L.

And I write books for a living.

The Hey Girl podcast was created with sisterhood and storytelling in mind.

Hey girl.

Hey girl.

Hey girl.

Hey girl.

Join us as we journey through sharing together.

Hey girl.

Hey girl.

How are you?

I am good.

How are you?

I'm good,

Jamila.

Thank you for being on the show with me today.

I've been itching to talk to you,

So I'm so happy we're able to make this work.

It is a pleasure.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So for people who don't know who you are and what you do,

Can you give our listeners a little rundown on those things?

Yes.

I am a writer and I'm a thinker.

I knew this question was coming and I thought about how I wanted to answer it,

So I just did a little exercise,

Right?

Thought to name all of the things that I feel like I am that are separate from the things that I do.

So I'm a writer,

A thinker,

I'm an explorer,

I'm a teacher,

I'm a healer,

And I really feel like a citizen of the world.

I feel very much a part of many tribes,

Small and large,

So I enact those identities in lots of different ways,

But mostly it's through writing.

That is beautiful.

Your writing is amazing and the reason why I wanted to have you on the show is to talk about your voice through writing,

But also being a woman of color and in the self-care space,

And you're a Buddhist.

So I wanted to really tap into those different aspects of your life.

How has self-care played a role in who you are today?

Because you talk a lot about being your best self and showing up for yourself and pouring into yourself so you can pour into others.

How has that helped you on your journey?

So for me,

Self-care is really about,

It's a manifestation or an expression of valuing my life.

And I started to really honestly,

I think when the Black Lives Matter movement started to pick up,

I thought about what does it mean for me to believe that,

Such that I can convince other people if that's what I felt like I had to do.

I don't feel like I have to do that anymore.

But at the time,

That was a big question.

It's like,

Do I believe that I'm valuable?

And so self-care became a way that I was able to enact my belief.

So if I love myself,

I'm going to stay hydrated today.

And so it kind of becomes a little game that I play with myself to see how generously can you love on yourself today.

As a constant reminder that I am worthy and that I have a gift to offer,

That I have to protect the gift.

So thinking of myself as valuable helps me remember to treat myself as such.

And I had to believe that I was valuable and that my life was valuable if I was ever to tell anyone that truth for themselves.

And that's really what I feel like I'm trying to do is remind people you're so valuable and you're so powerful and you have so much potential and don't sabotage it.

Yeah.

I mean,

I love when you make your videos and share them on social media because normally it's what I need to hear.

Like,

Girl,

Have you drink your water today?

Have you stayed hydrated?

Are you loving on yourself?

Because as givers,

Right?

As givers,

Teachers,

Healers,

And women of color,

It's so easy for us to pour,

Pour,

Pour and forget to replenish.

And I want to tap on,

I want to touch on that a little bit too.

Just being a woman of color in this space and realizing your value.

I know for me,

It was really difficult at first,

Walking in my light and in my truth and really believing how valuable I was.

Like,

I didn't deserve dysfunction in relationships.

I didn't deserve settling.

I didn't deserve half,

Half empty friendships.

I deserved fullness in my entire life and my entire being.

But it took me a lot of trial and error to get there and to get what I wanted.

How has that looked for you?

Finding that self value and really believing it,

Not just speaking it,

But believing it.

It was through many a Tinder date.

If I am being 100%,

I dated a lot of just,

I just,

I'm in fact,

I was like,

I could write a book.

In fact,

I am writing a book about all of these stories that I have about the ways that I allowed myself to stay stuck in this narrative of like,

This is all I can get.

It's like kind of settling,

Really.

It's not even kind of,

It's settling.

I didn't believe that I could have totally love-filled,

Transparent,

Courageous,

Joyful relationships.

And so I didn't.

And of course,

With all of these relationships,

There comes a point where you're like,

What am I?

There's a moment of like,

You're lucid and then you start your process to free yourself.

And I feel like I did that over and over and over and over until I was like,

Jamila,

Girl,

Have you had it?

I got tired of myself.

I'll switch it up.

Switch it up.

So it has been,

It also does feel like an evolved process to get here.

And I still find myself sometimes being like,

Again,

Really?

You're here?

And that's why I remind myself,

I honestly use social media because I need the reminders.

I'm like,

I need this reminder.

And it feels like it's more solidified when I share out.

That's so funny that you say that because I had a woman ask me,

Does it feel more real when you share it or when you just simply do the work?

And for me,

I have to do the work first before I share.

And that's because we live for me.

And I want to touch on this.

I'm so glad this conversation is flowing so organically because I have these notes down and we're like literally hitting these notes without even trying.

For me,

Social media has become really loud for people,

Including myself.

So there have been moments where I've just had to log off and I'll share something and I'll log off.

And I find that it's become kind of this self care trend,

This self care competition,

This let me share to get validation on what I'm sharing.

And I think that a lot of people have been there,

Including myself,

Like,

Oh my gosh,

Are they going to like this or whatever the case may be,

Right?

So what I started doing is doing the work,

Being intentional about the work,

Doing the work for me,

Writing the words for me,

And then being able to open up and share and reflect and therefore,

I guess,

Assist other people.

How do you think self care has played a role in social media and vice versa?

Do you think that social media has kind of clouded self care or how people navigate the space?

Or do you feel like it's helped?

Because I'm on the fence about it.

It kind of,

I don't know,

Makes me feel weird sometimes.

Right.

I mean,

I think it's definitely a yes and.

It's both.

I think that,

You know,

I was just reflecting on how you have solidified the idea of self care for however many hundreds of thousands of people.

And it's like,

How honestly revolutionary that is.

And that cannot be denied.

You know,

Someone the other day told me that people follow you because they trust you.

There's something about you that they want to align themselves with.

And that's,

It's literally in the language.

That's why they're called followers.

People follow your journey.

They follow your lead because they trust you to guide them.

And I am also the person like scrolling,

Being like,

Her vacation looked more fun than mine.

My meals never looked like that.

Right.

I don't got no garnish just laying around.

Right.

Immediately kind of invalidating all of the work that I know to be true about myself because of this like kind of,

It's like mental trickery space.

And so honestly,

I am in the habit of unfollowing.

I just saw your post.

I went to your social media just to kind of like dive back into some of these questions that I had.

And I saw where you shared unfollow anybody who makes you feel bad about yourself.

I am.

Dive into that.

It's self-sabotage to give so much energy to things that make you feel less capable.

And it's so easy to do.

It's spending time with people who have small visions or who make us doubt our visions.

Not make us doubt.

No one can make you doubt your vision,

But you.

But people who,

You know,

They're the doubters.

There are people who are afraid that they can't do it.

And so they project that fear onto you.

And you've got to recognize that it is your responsibility to protect your magic.

It's your responsibility to stay in your power and not to allow external things,

Whatever they may be,

To distract you from your wellness and your joy.

And I feel like there are certain,

The internet is just set up.

I mean,

It's just capitalism,

Quite frankly.

It's set up to market to you so that you feel like there's need.

You would never buy something you didn't think you needed.

So the system is built literally ingrained into the system of the internet and of social media.

It's like looking and comparing and thinking that you need so that you stay engaged,

So that you try to figure out what it is.

So it's just kind of,

It can be,

I'm like,

Yeah,

I have no shame.

I will unfollow everybody today if doing so allows me to stay in my power.

They can't do that.

You know,

You have to,

I have to stay engaged.

I'm like,

No,

You don't.

You have to stay engaged with yourself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Tap in.

Yeah.

Tap inward.

And that is what I love about you and your work,

Because you just seem so self-aware of the work that it takes to stay in your power,

As you say,

Like to stand in your power.

And I want to,

I want to circle back to the Tinder dates and what was kind of your last straw,

Because you're in love now,

You're partnered now and your partner,

They are awesome and they seem to make you so happy.

And you share some of you guys' truths.

And I want to just circle back on before you met them and what was your last straw?

Like,

What did you have to do to attract the love that you have now?

Because I know for me,

I,

Before I met Ryan,

I was a shit show.

Like my life was just kind of terrible.

And it was because,

Not my life was terrible.

My dating life was terrible.

Let me just edit that because I knew,

I knew that I wanted a husband.

I knew that I wanted monogamy.

I knew that I wanted love and unyielding love.

And I knew that I wanted friendship.

I wanted a love that was rooted in friendship and I had never had that.

So I was looking for it,

Looking for it,

Looking for it,

Instead of saying,

Look for it within yourself and then you'll be ready whenever your partner comes along.

So I took a year off of dating,

No sex,

No entertaining guys.

I was working on Alex.

I was writing myself love letters a year straight.

That's where words from a wanderer came from,

The notes to self.

And then I randomly met Ryan and we became friends and then we fell in love.

So there's the work right there.

I'm living proof that when you turn inward and you do the work,

Everything else will fall into place.

So I just want to know from you,

Is that how that worked for you?

Did you just kind of have to shut off and then recharge and then come back?

It's absolutely that.

I feel like the last straw was when I started to take myself seriously.

When I started to take myself seriously and be like,

You know,

You're a writer,

Which means you should probably do some writing.

And I was like,

You know what?

You're a writer and you could be a better writer.

You should probably study a little bit.

So I went to grad school to become a writer and I'm in this space and right before I go to grad school,

I'm dating kind of my last boyfriend,

The final one,

The straw that broke the camel's back.

And I was just kind of like,

I have too much to do,

Honestly,

To be spending my energy here where it's not being reciprocated.

I'm not being restored.

And it's compromising my ability to do what I feel like I'm here to do.

And that kind of became,

I just had to stop.

I just had to cut it.

I was like,

I've got work to do.

And honestly,

You're in the way.

You're distracting me.

Was that hard for you?

Or had you gotten to the point where it was like,

I'm good.

Like,

I'm really good.

It was hard.

It was hard because there's always then,

As soon as you make a confident decision,

Here comes your ego.

Okay.

Just trailing behind,

Are you sure?

Are you certain that you're going to be able to find what you're looking for?

Or are you going to be making a huge mistake by letting this person go?

And is it that maybe you are stubborn and maybe you are hard to love.

So what if this person's doing you a favor?

So of course it's hard to ever decide that you deserve more than mediocrity because your ego is going to be just talking to you.

So it's hard.

And it was really sharing out that allowed me to receive that external validation.

I have no shame in saying the fact that people responded to what I was sharing allowed me to see its value.

I was like,

Oh,

Wow,

This is useful for people.

Okay.

And I like that you said that because I feel like there is good external validation because we're humans and we like that,

But there's also negative external validation.

So we just have to,

You know,

Boundaries and balance because I feel the same way when I get messages and emails or I meet people in the street and they say,

Your words have completely changed my life.

Your words are the reason why I have practiced self care.

Your words are the reasons why I stopped drinking.

Your words are the reasons why I didn't kill myself and I went to a therapist.

Like that is power.

That is soul power.

Like that's fuel.

And that reminds me when I get down on myself because we all do,

Like,

Am I supposed to be doing this work?

Am I good at doing this work?

The minute I start doubting myself,

The universe brings me someone who validates me and says,

Alex,

You're supposed to be doing this work.

And I had to,

Oh my gosh,

I had a meltdown maybe like a week ago because I just,

You know,

I had just had the baby and I was,

You know,

Kind of out of commission with neon soul.

Like I cut off my tour last year.

The book is a year old now.

I was like,

Am I going to go back on tour?

The book is old in the literary world now.

Like what am I going to do?

You know,

People kind of have forgotten about it or I was just giving myself all types of all types of negative self-talk and focusing on the negative instead of what the work has done and what I have done to get the work to where it is.

And I had to,

I had to stop and I had to really take a look at why do I do this work and who am I doing this work for?

And I logged off the internet because then you're on other people's pages and you're like,

You know,

This writer is a New York Times bestseller and I'm not and all this,

All this stuff.

It's,

It can be so loud,

Right?

And I turned inward and I had to just give myself a pep talk and I had to go in the mirror and I had to say my affirmations.

And then I got an email from this woman to say,

You know,

I was melting down in my car and I walked into Barnes and Noble and I went to the poetry section and your book is the only book that stood out to me because it has foiling on it.

And I opened it and the first page shook me and I melted down in tears on the floor in Barnes and Noble.

So thank you for,

For helping me and healing me that day.

That was after a night of me just being like,

What the heck am I doing with my career?

Like,

Where do I want to take it?

And that is where I want to take it,

Whether it touches one person or a million people.

I want people to feel the work and I want,

I want it to settle into their hearts.

How have you been able to tap into that truth that you are supposed to be doing this work,

You are supposed to be sharing this work and changing people's lives?

Have you owned that and claimed that or has that been a difficult thing to do?

Both.

It's been difficult and I,

I think I've,

You know,

I feel confident that I've made some progress in that area to feel like this is something I should be doing.

But primarily,

And just like you said,

I do it really for myself first.

It really does happen for me,

Not only because,

You know,

When I,

When I write,

When I'm writing these stories of this,

You know,

This one night in Brooklyn,

It helps me remember and,

And remember,

I love this,

This is from Toni Morrison.

She talks about the idea of re-memory.

And it's kind of like when you come back to yourself,

You know,

If you break the word down,

Literally the etymology of the word to re is,

You know,

To repeat,

To do something again,

Member is like the,

The,

You know,

To be dismembered,

The parts of your body.

So when we talk about remembering,

It's like you're putting all of your parts,

You're re-membering yourself.

And it helps me,

It helps me know how much growth I've done to talk about the me at 22,

Who was like staying up until 3am eating cheesy breadsticks and like drinking a six pack of PBR.

Who was she?

But she got me here.

So I gotta tell,

You know,

I gotta,

I gotta shout her out too,

You know,

Cause she knew something or two,

She knew a thing or two about delight,

You know,

And was not ashamed then.

I feel like storytelling happens for me first and the reminders,

I'm a journaler.

I mean,

You get it.

I have always,

I have journals and journals.

So it is a part of,

It is just a part of the way that I am in the world.

I've constantly been observing.

I mean,

Harriet,

The spy was like,

I was like,

Oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh,

Harriet.

Yes.

Yes.

I love her cause I was like,

She's a journaler like me.

You know,

Like she really resonated cause I was like,

I too observe the world.

And that's always just been a thing that I've done.

So it happens for me.

And then it,

It is delightful.

And really the scary part is like,

Is,

Is this valuable to anyone else?

Yes.

Or you just like sharing these like,

You know,

I don't,

Is this valuable to anyone else?

Yeah.

And still,

You know,

I,

I,

I've just stopped asking the question,

You know,

Really,

I'm just like,

Just do it.

And it actually doesn't,

It doesn't need to be,

Even if it's not,

It doesn't matter.

Cause it's valuable to you.

Yeah.

That just shook me.

I love that.

And that is the truth.

That is the absolute truth.

It is,

It is,

But I need the reminders.

You know,

It's like,

I so value,

I mean,

That's,

I think why this like the community,

The virtual community is so relevant because I'm like,

I,

You are my reminder.

You're my mirror,

You know,

When I can't see it clearly,

It's like,

I need to have the,

I surround myself with,

With reminders.

And I think that's what you remind people to do.

It's like affirmations.

It's like,

You've got to write it down.

You've got to look at it.

You've got to say it out loud.

You need to remind yourself or you will forget.

Yes.

And you,

And it has to become a ritual and it has to become a daily practice.

The reason why I started sharing the affirmations is because I needed the affirmations is because I needed to find a new way to take to my journal and to take to pen and paper.

So journaling itself had become kind of redundant for me,

Like opening my journal and writing it down,

Closing the journal.

And then it just wasn't,

It wasn't flowing for me for a while.

So that's when the ripped pieces of paper came from.

And I was just like,

I'm going to write my love for self,

My affirmation on this paper,

And I'm going to collect them in a basket for a year.

And when I collect them in a basket for a year,

I'm going to chain them up and I'm going to hang them in the house somewhere for the whole family to see.

So I've been collecting my affirmations,

Shared and unshared for almost a year now.

And it's been such a beautiful journey because I need those reminders,

You know,

And sometimes it's so much easier to see it right in front of you,

Not bound to the journal,

Like you're holding it,

You're holding that truth in your hand and you can look at it,

You can put it in your pocket if you need it,

You can stick it in the car,

You can tape it to the fridge,

It's free and it can follow you.

And that's why the affirmations are on the paper.

And I shared them because I needed that.

I share what I need because I know that if I need it,

Someone else needs it.

We're not alone in this journey.

We're not alone in this struggle.

Like we are in this together and that's what I tell students,

That's what I tell my girlfriends,

That's what I tell my clients.

Like I don't have your answers,

You have your answers and we are in this journey of exploration and adventure and figuring it out together.

So if I need it,

You probably need it too.

And if you need it,

Please share it with me because I'm probably in the same breath,

Girl,

I need that too,

Right?

So I love that you're building the community that you're building via the internet,

But also off the internet,

You're offering coaching sessions.

Can we talk a little about that?

Like what made you want to step into that work?

So most of that work happens actually virtually.

So a lot of these people find me via things like Instagram and then reach out to me and that's how we get connected.

But initially it started coming honestly when I was eating like rice and beans five days straight in graduate school,

Thinking,

I don't know if I'm about this life because I'm not trying to be a starving artist.

So I had this big kind of crisis and actually dropped out of grad school.

I was there for an MFA in creative writing and I left after a year because I realized that I was spending a lot of money to kind of be not having a lot of money.

I was like,

To be broke.

Wait a minute.

This is not resonating with my spirit.

And so I started to think about when I'm a writer,

When I'm offering,

The reason that I'm here is not so that I can make a ton of money.

That's actually not why I went to grad school.

I never thought that was going to happen,

But I wanted to be able to be excellent at what I was doing so that I could sell it with confidence.

And that's not a skill they teach you in graduate school.

So I was like,

I don't need this,

But I had to start thinking of what I was doing as something that could be monetized.

I had to start thinking that way.

And a lot of people are like,

Ooh,

No,

You can't think about money.

You have to.

You have to think about money because what they want you to do is be running yourself ragged so that you can't do your work anymore.

And I was like,

It is in fact a trick of the enemy for us to be convinced that we don't get to flourish by doing this work.

So I started coaching because I started thinking,

People are always reaching out to me.

Can I get your opinion on this?

Can I get your inside about this?

What do you think about this?

I have this experience with my lover,

My mother,

My sibling,

My boss,

Myself,

And they want my insight.

And so at a certain point,

I had too many receipts for me to believe anymore that what I had to offer wasn't valuable in that way.

So I thought,

Okay,

I want to be able to do this,

But I can't be doing this with integrity.

I can't be excellent at it if I'm doing all this other stuff all the time.

I got to quit the day jobs.

I got to quit being exhausted from standing on my feet working at restaurants.

I got to quit running after these people's kids.

I can't do this anymore.

And so if I'm going to do it and I want to,

I need to start making it,

I need to make it sustainable for myself.

So then I thought,

Okay,

I'm just going to offer it.

I'm going to offer it as coaching.

And that was the kind of evolution of that idea.

Which is,

I felt like I was kind of enacting a lot of my coaching work through writing for free.

And then when people wanted to kind of go deeper,

Get more involved,

I thought,

I really want to do this,

But it requires so much.

I can't be doing all this other stuff.

I got to be able to do it and focus on it.

Absolutely.

And I love it.

I absolutely love it.

There are so many women of color who need safe spaces,

Whether they're virtual or in person.

And there needs to be educators,

Teachers,

Coaches that look like us to be sharing that insight and to be leading those conversations.

So I really like when I saw that you were diving into that work,

You and a few other of my friends had stepped into coaching and I'm just like,

Yes,

Like this is what we need.

We need to be able to help and to extend and to lead.

And then in turn,

Those people that we're helping extending to and leading are going to do the same thing.

So we're creating this community and this conversation and this tribe of helpers,

Leaders and extenders.

And that is like,

Like that's huge.

That's a huge legacy to leave behind on this world because who like,

Like,

Why would I be like,

Why wouldn't we want to do that?

You know,

Like,

Why wouldn't we want to create more good in this in this world because we need it and we need each other.

I always say it's so crazy.

I want to I want to get your opinion on this.

There's so many times people say,

Like,

I'll just turn it inward for a second.

When I was hurting,

I would say I don't need anybody.

I can do this myself.

I don't need that.

I don't need this.

I don't need them.

But in my meditations over the past,

Maybe three years,

I've learned that and this comes up a lot,

Like we need everybody.

We can't like,

We can't do this life by ourselves.

And an example is if you take the bus every day to work,

You need the bus driver to drive you there.

Right.

If you are flying from DC to LA,

You need the pilot to get you there.

Like,

We need people,

We need other people's experience and expertise.

And I stopped saying I don't need because in reality,

That wasn't the truth.

Right.

And I realized every time I said I don't need,

I began to lack.

I was lacking.

I wouldn't get,

Oh,

The universe is like,

Oh,

You don't need that.

You know,

You don't need this.

So you're not going to get it.

So you're not going to get it.

Right.

So I want to get your opinion on that.

How do you feel about that narrative and kind of just reversing the language of saying,

Of lacking because that's what it is?

Language is very powerful.

And that is one of the things that I love the most about writing.

When you say something is so,

It becomes.

And I'm like,

It is so simple.

I'm like,

This is not just like some kind of tweetable.

I'm like,

No,

Actually try it.

Write your goals.

I spoke with a client the other day and I was like,

What are your biggest dreams?

And they tell me all of these incredible dreams.

And I'm like,

Awesome.

Have you written any of them down?

You know what?

No.

I'm like,

Aha.

Right.

Because you,

I was like,

Because you know.

I said,

Are you a writer?

Because I know you know that the moment you start to write down,

Your relationship to it changes immediately.

How do you feel about changing the language?

Which I think that's where you were going from,

I don't need or I don't want to,

I do need,

Right?

Because we do need people.

We do need certain things.

And the minute we say we don't,

We become not less than,

But we start to lack certain things due to,

You know,

Words are powerful and written words and spoken word.

So how do you feel about that?

Yeah,

It's,

It's,

It is,

It's interesting to think about like the,

You know,

Saying that you need or thinking that you need manifesting that reality of lacking your life.

And I struggle all the time with these kind of,

I have this internal battle between feeling abundant and not like,

You know,

It really does fluctuate.

Like some days I feel like,

Wow,

I have everything I could ever want or need.

And other days,

You know,

Just like you're saying,

You have this,

These negative self,

These negative self-talk moments where it's like,

All of that goes out the window.

So it's,

It's a useful reminder.

And I'm grateful to,

To think about language being something that actually,

You know,

Manifests the reality.

And I feel like this is,

You know,

To,

To go all the way back to the beginning of our conversation is one of the big reasons I practiced Buddhism,

Because I find the language to be so illuminating,

Just like reading Buddhist philosophy.

I'm like,

That's what it is.

Like it's not,

It's not,

A prayer is a determination.

It's I determine,

I determine for this to be my reality.

And every day I determine and I,

And I sit in that determination.

And when I am,

When I am ground,

That is what I mean when I say I'm in my power.

It means I am still determined.

I've stopped saying like,

I need this.

It's like,

I am determined to,

I am determined to have this.

And that reminds me that it's active.

Yes.

You know,

It's,

It becomes more present.

It becomes a thing.

I'm like,

Oh yes,

You're still determining to do that.

Great.

What you about to do about it today?

Right.

No,

It becomes,

It becomes an ongoing thing instead of just like a worry.

Yes.

That,

That,

That is it.

When did you step into Buddhism and when did you realize this is it for me?

This is the language and the practice that I need.

I want to say it was 2000 and was it 2015,

2016,

It was the summer where both Alton Sterling and Philando Castile were,

Were murdered kind of back to back.

It was like,

It's,

I think it was in the same week and I had been dating my,

My partner for a few months,

Who has been practicing Buddhism for 10 years.

And I was like,

I,

I'm done.

I'm logging off.

I,

I can't do this anymore.

I can't,

I cannot this,

And you know,

Of course I was on my,

You know,

I,

I'm too powerful for distractions.

I was like,

This is not helping me stay in my power.

I feel defeated,

Utterly defeated by this.

It feels never ending.

And I was like,

I'm done.

And my partner was like,

You know,

You have a powerful gift to offer and you cannot allow the world to defeat you.

You cannot allow it to defeat you.

You've,

You,

You can find a way.

There is,

It doesn't have to be so.

I think that's what they said.

It doesn't,

You don't have to be defeated by the world.

It is a possible reality for you to be able to look all of the world's violence and injustice and suffering in the face and,

And not be defeated by it.

So they were like,

You know,

I,

I encourage you to try chanting.

So part of,

You know,

I practice Nichiren Buddhism and it's characterized by the practice.

It's a daily practice of chanting the title of the Lotus Sutra,

Which with the Lotus Sutra is one of the Buddha's most profound teachings because it dictates that every single person already contains Buddhahood,

Is already inherently a Buddha,

Is a being characterized by infinite wisdom,

Infinite compassion,

And infinite courage.

That's what it means to be a Buddha,

That you are enlightened to the reality of who you really are.

And so,

And so I started chanting as a way to,

To remember,

You know,

That it's,

That I am a person that has,

That has healing capacity and the intention of,

Of actually all of this,

The intention of all of this,

You know,

The,

The bad news all over is really to,

Is really to take away my power.

I mean,

That is,

I cannot magnify that work,

You know,

When you,

When you literally,

You can literally kill somebody and take away their actual physical life and you can render someone hopeless,

Which means they're no longer taking action to change anything,

Which means they might as well,

I mean,

They're not useless,

But you take away their power,

You take away their life force.

So I was like,

Ah,

You know,

You're not going to take away my life,

But if I allow you to take away my life force,

I might as well be dead.

There's nowhere to go,

Which is very morbid,

You know,

But it's kind of like,

It became a very obvious reality that I couldn't be complicit.

I was like,

Oh,

If I let them defeat me,

If I'm,

If I'm allowing these systems to make me hopeless,

Then,

You know,

If,

If I'm hopeless,

Then I'm not going to try to change anything about it.

And it just keeps happening.

And then I'm complicit.

So my practice really helped me see the ways that,

In fact,

We are all complicit in what happens outside.

If we are defeated internally,

Then our environment will reflect our defeat.

And so I didn't,

I was like,

Oh,

I can't,

You know,

I don't want to,

I got to,

I need to make good.

I need to create value.

And that is,

You know,

The,

The organization that I practice with is Soka Gakkai International and literally stands for Value Creation Society.

It's this international community of people who are like,

How can I create value from all of the hurt and all of the,

The negative things that we talk about turning poison into medicine?

This is what I feel like I do.

And now there's not only people who know what I'm talking about,

But I can say,

What are you doing to,

You know,

The,

It's like,

I'm,

What are you doing to turn poison into medicine?

I just feel like it is such a tribe.

It has just changed the way that I relate to my surroundings.

And it's helped me see that like nobody's responsible for my life,

But me.

So we're going to wrap up here in a minute,

But I want to touch on your partner.

I don't want to,

I do not want to end this conversation without talking about the love that you guys have for one another.

When did they come into your life and how?

We met two years ago,

Two years ago and some change at CalArts when I was in,

In grad school.

I was a student there and they were working.

They were on staff in the school of theater and we ran into each other at an open mic.

The black student,

Like Black Arts Collective was hosting an open mic and we both showed up and,

You know,

I was in graduate school and they were working on staff and we kind of evolved into these roles as like the,

You know,

The parents,

Like you're like the auntie and uncle of,

You know,

This group.

And we were like,

Let me,

You know,

I've done undergrad,

Let me tell you a thing or two about how to throw an open mic,

You know,

Like I was just,

I feel like we,

We came from a place of experience.

And so we collaborated first as friends and,

And collaborators really,

We were producing events together and this kind of season of programming for this organization.

And it was just such fun.

It was such fun and we worked so well together.

And then at a certain point they were like,

Do you want to get dinner?

I was like,

Huh.

And then our friendship evolved and we started hanging out and,

You know,

Now we're,

We're doing it.

We're doing the partnership thing,

Which is,

You know,

It's when we first started dating,

My partner said,

I'm looking for a partner.

I was like,

Ooh,

Right.

Okay.

Right.

Put it out there.

Can we just be clear?

Can we just be clear?

Put it out there.

Which was so new.

I was like,

Huh,

Wow.

I mean,

It was kind of like,

This is exactly what I want.

And this is what I need.

And when,

And when there were discrepancies,

It was a thing that was like,

You know,

Wasn't like,

I'm just going to,

I'm going to be mad at you.

And it was like,

I feel like I'm not getting this thing that I need from you.

And I just want to,

You know,

Have a transparent conversation about whether or not you feel like you have the capacity to provide it or,

You know,

I'm trying to cultivate it for myself,

But I would like support in these ways.

Wow.

Like this is a whole,

This is something else.

It's new,

Right?

Isn't it new?

Isn't it so like,

I'm hearing very similar connection that Ryan and I had.

Like it was just,

It was,

It was new.

And I was just like,

Wow,

Somebody wants to be with me and love me and like not walk away from me when things get hard.

Right.

And that's what I'm hearing with you and your partner,

Just like,

Like we're in this,

Like we're partners.

Like this is a partnership.

We're friends,

We're lovers,

But we're partners in this life.

And that,

Man,

That's so special.

And I really want everybody to feel this.

Like,

I don't,

I don't know if you've gotten this question,

But a lot of people have asked me,

How did you know Ryan was the one?

How did you know Ryan was the one?

And I'm like,

I don't know.

You just know.

And when I was asking a friend of mine years ago,

Literally,

Year,

Maybe like seven or eight,

Nine years ago,

When she met her partner,

I was like,

How did you know he was the one?

Cause I was looking like,

Like,

How do you know?

Because no one seems to love me the way I need to be loved or how I love them.

And she goes,

I've been there and you'll know when you know.

And I'm like,

Girl,

That is the most cryptic.

Listen,

That doesn't tell me anything.

Come on,

Ms.

Cleo.

Give me something.

What are you saying?

Right.

But then I met Ryan and I was like,

Yo,

This is what she was talking about.

This,

You just know.

And you know,

Because you feel,

You don't feel empty.

You don't feel lacking.

You don't feel uneasy.

You feel like this person is like down for me.

And this person isn't going to just crap on me.

They're going to love on me.

And that is something I hadn't had before.

And I just want everybody to feel what you feel and what I feel in this,

In our partnerships,

Because at the end of the day,

It's so much deeper than a relationship,

Right?

It's,

It's layers to it.

And man,

Just hearing you talk about that just gave me all types of feels.

One of the things that I think is most noteworthy about my current relationship is that this,

For the first time,

I am with somebody who loves themselves.

Listen,

Jamila.

Deeply.

And it is the difference.

Jamila.

Yes.

It's the difference.

You know what I,

You know what I mean?

Yes.

Yes.

And so I don't have to worry,

Actually,

That I'm not good enough.

Yep.

Because I have seen this person every single day make decisions that prioritize their wellness and their joy.

I have no evidence that this person would ever compromise it because it's so consistent.

And so it allows me to be courageous because I don't have to,

I don't have to worry,

You know,

I know that we can both evolve together,

You know,

And I don't have to fear this like,

You know,

What if you,

I don't know,

What if I outgrow you or what if you outgrow me,

That's not there anymore.

It's just like we're growing together and,

And that's where we are.

It's what's happening right now.

And I don't have to be like freaking out about what it's going to be,

But right now we're growing together and it feels great.

That's everything,

Literally everything.

Last thing,

You got a haircut and you look beautiful.

And you are making me miss my bald head.

So what brought that on?

Like you look amazing and you just,

Your smile,

Your face is glowing.

Your smile is even bigger and brighter.

Like how do you feel with this,

With this new look?

I feel,

I feel good.

It's,

You know,

So I'm like,

Oh wow.

You know,

I look at myself and be like,

Oh right.

Um,

In the mornings,

Like you have no hair on your head.

Um,

But one of my friends said,

Now everybody will just assume you're a Buddhist.

I was like,

You know,

That's not a bad thing.

You know,

I don't hate it.

Um,

But I feel good.

It feels,

It feels good to experiment and just to kind of switch it up such that you can experience,

You know,

What changes when you change.

It just,

I feel like that is one of the things that brings my life.

A lot of joy is,

You know,

Like just,

Just trying something new and seeing what it teaches you or what it,

What it brings you.

And it's so,

It's,

I mean,

And it does change the way you're seen in the world.

It absolutely does.

It's like when I'm walking around in the world with no hair,

Uh,

The way that I'm perceived is much differently when I've got like a big,

You know,

Fluffy Afro puff,

You know,

And a pineapple on top of my head.

Like I'm,

It's the people see me differently.

So not to say that there's any value assigned to being,

You know,

To whatever mode of expression one chooses,

But it's,

It's,

It's been so valuable for me to be able to witness and to learn from that kind of freedom of expression and the diversity of expression that I've given myself permission to play with.

Um,

It's,

It's huge.

It reveals so much.

I,

I love it.

And you look amazing and beautiful and you are glowing.

Um,

So to conclude our conversation,

I wish I could talk to you all day.

I really do.

This was just so filling for me.

Um,

So thank you.

Um,

I'm so glad to hear it and same always love.

Let's give people some self care tips to walk away with.

So your top three self care tips,

What are they?

My top three self care tips are one stop judging the way you feel.

There's no judgment in being tired or cranky or hungry or low energy or sad,

Whatever it is,

Don't judge it.

Just be with it,

Listen to it,

And then respond.

That's number one.

Number two,

Surround yourself with people who will remind you when you need to be reminded.

What that can be a therapist,

That can be,

Um,

You can have,

I don't know your alarm in the morning be a recording of whatever,

Whatever it is,

Surround yourself with reminders because it's easy to forget and the world is actually set up for you to forget.

And number three,

Be curious about how you might feel better and function better.

And when you have that curiosity,

You will find the answers everywhere and it won't be something that feels burdensome.

It'll be a joyful pursuit of your best self.

Thank you,

Jamila.

Thank you so much for this conversation.

I thank you,

Alex.

I'm so grateful.

Thank you so much.

Thanks for listening to the show today.

Please rate,

Subscribe and review.

Also feel free to share with a friend.

We love having our community grow.

Music is by DC's own Kokai.

The Hey Girl podcast is produced by Wayne Bertram and me,

Alex.

Reviews

Brilliant! I gained much insight into myself from this podcast. Two of my favourites 👌🏾🧘🏽‍♀️🪷

Excellent review of what self care means and the significance of it in all aspects of our lives. I really enjoyed the Top Three points made at the end of the session! Be Curious !!!

Hey girl! Just what I needed on this morning to remind myself that I am worthy.

Excellent

AMAZING!!!! I feel like I was hugged from the inside out! I was in my feels so I walked an listened. I feel so much better and know that I’m on the right path for me. Thank you so much!!!

I throughly enjoyed this talk. It inspired me to really examine who and what I am and what I am doing with my gifts.

I do needed every bit of this I'm the background while I got on with my day. Thanks.

I don’t usually listen to guided meditations and today I chose you and this. What an amazing way to start my day and remind myself, I matter! ♥️🙏 to you!

You know... old, white hippie chicks appreciate your wisdoms too. Thank you for sharing them.

I love this conversation! It resonated profoundly. Thank you for being real and for sharing a woman of color perspective in this space!!!

Very informative, very on point even though it is a few years old. Still very current

Great messages will always be great 👍🏽
Thanks so much for sharing Alex
Keep shining your light for all of us to see our way
Namaste 🙏🏽
JuneB

I can listen to this everyday. Thank you both for your insights.

Loved it! Very inspiring and a good reminder on how to take care of yourself! Thank you Alex!

Excellent Conversation. Provocative and insightful.

Sooooo very enlightening, inspiring & encouraging!! It was very refreshing to revisit this episode!! 🖤🙏🏿

Such a grounded, real, inspiring conversation to get to listen in on. Thank you!

Wonderful insights. Thank you for using your experiences to inspire others 🙏

Amazing talk!!! It feels so important to me to feed myself in this way. Listening to this conversation while getting ready for a work has set a really nice tone for my day. Thank you.

Omg......great discussion. Things that make me say "hmmmm" 🤔

Totally enjoyed this. Thank you