Two years after I took the monastic vows,
Trading all my worldly possessions for two sets of monks robes,
I moved into a monastery that was off the grid,
Remote,
And blissfully quiet.
One day,
My friend Kim sent me a letter in which she wrote,
I understand why you love living there.
Who wouldn't?
But how can you honor your vow to be of service to others if you cut yourself off from the rest of the world and keep yourself tucked away in the mountains?
Kim didn't point out my hypocrisy because she's cruel or judgmental.
She did it to shed light on what I couldn't see.
My actions were not congruent with my words.
There was no reason for me to get defensive because Kim wasn't offensive.
I don't regret moving to the monastery,
But I couldn't justify staying after Kim's intervention.
Nonviolent communication,
NVC,
Considers unsolicited advice a form of bullying,
But Kim's comment wasn't unsolicited.
I have an understanding with all my friends that being supportive of one another does not mean blindly cheering each other on.
In Buddhism,
We take refuge in what are called the Three Jewels.
The Buddha,
The Dharma,
And the Sangha.
The teacher,
The teachings,
And other students on the path.
My friends are my Sangha.
So if any of us are about to repeat a harmful cycle that we have clearly communicated we want to break,
We welcome intervention.
I wouldn't tell my buddy John to stop smoking,
For example,
Because he never claimed that he wanted to stop.
But I would definitely urge my friend Ashley to spend less money,
Since she has previously told me getting out of debt is her number one priority.
It's not about pushing my opinions on others,
It's about supporting their intentions regardless of what I think.
Since you are on this path with me,
This chapter is an intervention similar to what Kim offered me many years ago.
It's an invitation to reflect on areas in our lives where we are being hypocritical.
Areas where we are not behaving in ways that are congruent with who we wish to be.
We aren't always honest with ourselves about this because we often have too much shame or guilt around the decisions we make.
Other times,
We are oblivious that we are out of alignment.
I urge you not to look back on your past behavior and wonder why you've done what you've done.
Instead,
Decide how you can live from this moment forward so that what you think,
What you say,
And what you do are all in harmony.
Spoiler alert,
You will likely need to change some of what you think,
Some of what you say,
Or some of what you do before you can live a congruent life.
Congruence,
Consistency,
And transparency require us to be vulnerable and honest with ourselves about our strengths and our shortcomings.
Consider this your own intervention,
Which is defined as the action of becoming intentionally involved in a difficult situation in order to improve it or to prevent it from getting worse.
Interventions like Black Lives Matter and the Me Too movement have forced us to examine where we have unknowingly,
Unintentionally,
Or unconsciously been racist or failed to demand equality,
Even while claiming to believe in it.
Wearing a monk's robes does not make someone a monk,
Just like a rosary does not make anyone a Catholic.
In the words of Tyler Durden,
Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.
A wise man once said,
There are no enlightened beings,
There's only enlightened activity.
The people we consider enlightened are just like you and me,
They simply make enlightened activity part of their daily lives.
That is to say,
They walk the talk.
Eventually,
My own teachers looked at me and asked,
Why do you need the robes?
Why can't you just be the guy in town with the bright eyes?
Indeed,
Why can't we all?
