I recently met a lovely elderly Buddhist nun who experienced discrimination in Buddhism throughout her life for being a woman,
So she is in the process of opening a peace center for women.
She identifies as an activist for equality,
So I initially thought that making the peace center exclusively for women directly contradicted her own ultimate mission,
Intention,
And goal of equality.
You see,
I thought exclusionary was the same as discriminatory,
But we all have blind spots,
And this experience made me aware of one of my own.
I am telling you this because I am committed to honesty and transparency,
Which means I can't just share my aha moments with you,
I need to also share my uh-oh moments with you when I fail to see things clearly.
I know that if something bothers me,
The real problem isn't the thing that's bothering me,
It's the fact that I am bothered by it.
Whenever I came across the word segregation,
I immediately thought of Jim Crow laws from the late 19th century,
For example,
With sidewalks and drinking fountains for whites only and blacks only,
Or whenever any group is treated differently.
For more than a decade,
I've been writing and speaking about how much humanity can benefit from doing away with all segregation in order for us to be united by our similarities rather than divided by our differences.
I have vilified any narrative that didn't support the bridging of the gap between the imaginary us and them,
Or as Thich Nhat Hanh way more beautifully articulated,
We are here to awaken from our illusion of separateness.
Personally marginalized and part of multiple minority groups has always been isolating,
But despite wanting to feel like I fit in or belong somewhere,
Joining a clique felt wrong and counterintuitive to celebrating diversity.
You probably won't agree with most or any of these examples,
But remember,
I thought exclusionary was the same as discriminatory,
So I resented everything from restaurants with a dress code to a separate security line at airports allowing those who can afford a special pass to cut in line.
To be clear,
I wasn't judging or shaming anyone for having TSA pre-check,
I resented that there was an implemented and enforced segregation system in a country that calls itself United.
My grievances weren't with the people,
But with the system itself,
And it was also triggered by the existence of sororities,
Fraternities,
Or the exclusivity of dance,
Book,
Or sports clubs catering to a specific gender,
Sexual orientation,
Race,
Or ethnicity.
It all felt as discriminatory as Protestants not being permitted to receive communion in Catholic churches.
How is that,
Christian?
I can rant for hours about how much I've been craving integration and inclusivity,
Yet I didn't see how my own perspective was separatist.
My narrow point of view romanticized every place and venue welcoming everyone,
But that in itself excludes the option for people to do whatever they want with whomever they choose.
How can I envision a utopia in which anything is possible with enough room for everyone,
Yet demonize a spiritual community,
For example,
That doesn't welcome people like me?
Whatever that means.
I thought that voluntary separation was not only the same as forced segregation because the end result is still the same,
Division and a caste system of sorts,
But perhaps even worse because it is self-imposed.
But,
If I truly stand for inclusion,
Then I need to make room in my heart and mind for those who want to practice exclusivity.
If I don't,
Then I will essentially be creating the same divide between us and them that I claimed was wrong for so long.
Like I said,
We all have blind spots,
And I was made aware of this one by what Buddhism calls Kalyana Mitra,
A noble friend.
A noble friend gently but firmly brings your blind spots into light.
If we allow the ones we love to see for us what we cannot see for ourselves,
Whether it's our own wounds or contradictions,
Then we mature beyond the ego's perception of who we think we are,
And finally see ourselves and others as we really are.
We are perfect with room for improvement.
It's an invitation for each of us to live in alignment with our morals and ethics.
As I mentioned at the start,
When I have a problem with something,
The problem is usually me.
So,
I reached out to you for help,
And you most certainly delivered.
People outlined rational and understandable reasons for exclusivity,
Such as safety,
Celebration,
Or just personal preference.
Whether it's a space where members of a minority group can feel safe,
Or a way for people to honor and celebrate cultural significance.
Support groups,
For example,
Are often exclusive for good reasons.
You helped me realize that whenever I encountered segregation,
Whether it personally involved me or not,
It hurt my own lifelong wound of regularly feeling left out.
I can certainly take a step back and honor a Peace Center for Women Only,
A car club exclusively for classic automobile enthusiasts,
And restaurants that cater for meat-eaters,
Other restaurants that are strictly vegan,
And those that offer everything for everyone.
There's room for us all now that my heart and mind have grown to accommodate us all.
Exclusivity was just one area where I was blind to my own contradiction,
And I'm sure there are more.
As you go on with your day and your life,
Who do you trust to be your noble friend to bring your blind spots into focus?
Maybe we can be each other's Kalyana Mitra.
Thank you for being mine.
Namaste.
