Healthy Boundaries

Almost everyone, at one time or another is going to run into challenges around the issue of boundaries – it might be one of the most important subconscious thought patterns to address.

This guided meditation session will support you to discern, clarify, express and sustain healthy boundaries. If you’ve ever struggled with saying “no”, or being manipulated, or feeling your priorities collapse under pressure, then you’ll get a lot out of this meditation.

Transcript

All right,

Welcome.

I hope that you found your way into a really comfortable,

Well-supported position and that you're all settled into a spot that feels really comfortable for you.

And if you haven't already,

Whenever you feel good and ready to,

You can allow your eyes to close,

Just giving them a rest and allowing your internal senses to become more present.

And as we get started,

Let's just begin by bringing your awareness to your breath in your body,

Just breathing.

That's right.

And you don't have to breathe particularly slowly or especially deeply because it's your breath after all.

So there isn't any right way or wrong way.

And I wonder if you can simply breathe in a way that feels good for you in your body.

And you're just noticing what that feels like.

And as you're breathing,

You can take a moment to notice what you can perceive in your environment.

Even if you're wearing headphones,

Are you aware of any sounds in or around the space that you're in or the sounds of your body,

Your breath,

Your pulse,

Your digestion?

And whatever you can hear,

You can just allow that to drift off into the background.

It's no distraction for you at all.

And you can feel the cushions or furniture below you or behind you supporting you.

The warmth of your clothing on your skin and having noticed them,

You just let them fade away into the distance as your attention begins to focus inside.

And you can begin to absorb yourself and give yourself permission to shift your ways of experiencing yourself as you're continuing to develop such valuable insights and skills.

Because just relaxing into this deeper state of mind,

Well,

It isn't just something that magically happens.

It's also a skill that you've been cultivating more and more deeply with each of these sessions.

And of course,

Each and every time that you experience this deep state of mind that I like to think about as a state of potent equilibrium,

Of balancing the conscious and your unconscious mind.

It just makes it easier to use your comfortable familiarity to get more and more deeply relaxed,

To be able to just dissolve into that incredibly peaceful state of mind and body more quickly and more easily each and every time.

Because you're already learning to clarify,

To feel into and define what comfort means to you and how your body can become increasingly familiar and skilled in recapturing the feelings,

Experiencing the sensations of being deeply comfortable.

Now in truth,

I'd have to admit that I don't really know how anybody else experiences relaxation or comfort exactly.

But I'm sure you can imagine that other people probably experience it in some ways that are similar to you and the way that you experience it.

And yet,

On the other hand,

You're a different person,

Uniquely you.

And so,

Your experiences are inevitably going to be different from other people's.

And it's easy to understand why that's true.

I mean,

Nobody in the world has exactly the same background as you.

Your family,

Your parents.

No one has had exactly the same childhood experiences as you.

No one has had exactly all of the same teachers,

All of the same environments,

All of the same influences.

Really,

It's true,

Is it not?

I mean,

Even if you were a conjoined twin,

If you were physically attached at the hip with someone else,

Even then,

You'd still be experiencing the world from a different perspective.

You'd have your own unique view.

And it's those differences between you and others that I'm genuinely,

Deeply interested in because it's those differences that define you as an individual.

And so,

It's clear there really isn't and never has been anyone on earth who's the same as you.

And even so,

You've probably noticed by now that there's no shortage of people who will have expectations of you and opinions about what's best for you.

And they'll want things from you.

And you know,

When you take the time,

As you are right now,

To just pause and relax quietly and comfortably,

You might begin to recognize how people can project their unprocessed stuff onto you.

And they can want all kinds of things from you,

Whether it's your time,

Your energy,

Your attention,

Your support,

Your money,

Your expertise,

Your silence,

Your opinion,

Your approval,

Whatever.

It's just a fact that people will always want things from you.

And there's really nothing at all unusual about that.

But in the end,

There's no one else in the world who actually knows your experience better than you do.

And so,

It's really of fundamental importance that you be the one to decide what you'll say yes to and what you'll say no to.

You must be the one to discern how much you can afford to give of yourself without exhausting or harming yourself.

To determine how much you need to protect yourself,

To protect your time,

And protect your energy by drawing the line and simply saying no.

Because as I'm sure you've learned by now,

The world's demands and the expectations of others will inevitably far exceed your own personal supply.

And of course,

I know that it isn't always comfortable or easy to have to confront someone,

To tell them what they're saying or doing is unacceptable to you,

And maybe you haven't found it much fun to say no.

And yet,

One of the skills that you can now begin to master is cultivating a deeper awareness,

A much deeper awareness and understanding of what you're actually saying between the lines when you ignore or when you agree with what others say and do.

Even though you know intuitively inside when you're being honest with yourself that you're not really okay with it.

And the examples are endless of how,

In spite of ourselves,

We unskillfully participate in actually training others through what we don't say and what we don't do,

Training others to do the very things that so often end up becoming problems later.

And we can unpack this a bit.

I'd like to share a couple of examples by way of stories.

And so now,

You can just relax deeply and listen,

Because you can trust that your deep subconscious mind can grasp the deeper inner meaning of the stories that I share.

Because you know,

I'm what you might call a dog lover.

And for virtually all of my adult life,

I've had a dog.

And for me,

The bigger the dog is,

The more I like them.

In fact,

My favorite kind of dog is the Great Dane.

And I've had a couple of them now.

And I just love them.

They're strong and athletic,

And they're generally very even-tempered and really,

Really affectionate.

They're such sweet dogs.

And you know,

Something you learn early on is that when you first meet a little Great Dane puppy,

You can hold them in one hand.

But they grow incredibly fast.

In fact,

Before they're even nine months old,

They're often more than six feet tall standing on their hind legs and can be in the neighborhood of 150 pounds or more.

And so I had to learn that with big dogs like the Dane,

Some age-appropriate training,

Establishing boundaries,

Really has to begin on day one.

Because it might seem cute when that rambunctious puppy charges ahead,

Tugging on the leash when you're out for your walks together.

And people might find it just adorable when that cuddly pooch jumps all over them just to give them kisses.

But in no time at all,

That dog is so big that if it pulls a head on the leash,

It can easily dislocate your shoulder.

And its unbridled affections will often knock people flying over backwards.

And here I'm talking about concussions and stitches and lawsuits.

And that's no exaggeration.

And so I learned it's just a simple fact that it's much,

Much easier to teach and establish limits,

Boundaries,

With a 20-pound puppy than it is to convince an unruly 150-pound monster that when what's been okay,

Or even encouraged for all of its life,

Suddenly has to stop.

Well,

I mean,

For the dog,

When the boundaries suddenly change,

It's really confusing.

And they can become unstable or even aggressive until they understand that the new rules,

The new boundaries,

Are solid and knowable and safe.

Because,

You know,

Dogs are social animals.

They thrive and survive by developing deeply bonded relationships,

Just like people.

And dogs are incredibly adept at learning from social cues because,

Of course,

They can't rely on spoken language to communicate.

And so when you frown or lower your vocal tone or say no,

A puppy learns very quickly what not to do because it wants approval and affection and a close social bond.

But when the puppy's behavior is ignored or tolerated or cooed at or invited or even praised when it's little,

It's naturally going to assume that it's doing the right thing,

That it's a good dog,

That its place in relationship is safe and secure,

And that doing more of those things will only result in getting more of what it wants.

But the poor puppy has no idea that it's growing at an alarming rate.

I mean,

It doesn't even have the time to develop that kind of physical self-awareness.

So what happens when what was a giggling yes yesterday becomes a terrified or angry no today?

Well,

It's as if the rug gets pulled out from under them.

And yet,

Even so,

For the safety of everyone,

Including the dog,

If the dog is going to survive,

Those boundaries will need to be established.

And I'm sure you can see it's going to be a lot more and a lot harder work at that point.

And one of the best pieces of advice I ever received about raising a Great Dane was,

Don't let that puppy do anything you wouldn't want a bear to do,

Because they grow so quickly.

And in very short order,

That cute little puppy is going to be nearly as big as a bear.

And as you can imagine,

Convincing a bear not to do what it's used to doing is a tough job.

And you know what?

I've found that this simple advice about establishing boundaries applies just as well in pretty much every relationship I've ever had,

Whether it's with big dogs or with other people,

Because most things,

Even small things,

Seem to have a tendency to get bigger quickly.

And I'm sure that your unconscious mind can easily understand what this story is pointing to as you reflect on your own relationships.

And because of the work that I do in supporting people,

I've become more aware of the significance of boundaries in my own life and in the lives of those I care about.

So I'd like to share another story,

One that happened not so long ago.

It took place when I went to visit some friends who live in another city.

Now,

We hadn't seen each other in person for a couple of years because of the COVID lockdowns.

But these friends of mine,

They have two young children,

And they'd grown so much since I'd last seen them.

And they're great kids.

They're super bright and clever.

They're funny and playful,

Really spirited,

You know?

They're just wonderful kids,

Robust and healthy,

Good kids.

But there was this one thing that I couldn't help but notice right away.

How those children were very demanding of their parents' attention.

And so,

Even though it was kind of a special reunion,

And I was a guest in their home for the evening,

And the express purpose of our being together for a few hours was to just catch up with each other,

Because we hadn't seen each other for quite a while,

The children would literally walk right into the middle of the room,

Singly or together,

And in spite of the fact that we adults were all in mid-conversation,

Sometimes even mid-sentence,

They'd interrupt,

And not nicely.

And neither one would say,

Excuse me,

Nor would either one wait for a natural break in the conversation.

They'd just walk or even run into the room and demand our immediate attention.

And sometimes,

I might not really think much of that.

Maybe if they were really young,

I mean,

That kind of enthusiasm can be natural.

But these kids were old enough,

And certainly bright enough,

To know better by now.

And I really couldn't help but notice it right away,

Because when I see behavior like that in anyone,

And especially in children,

I want to say something about it or do something about it right away,

Because I've learned through hard experience how important it is to establish a boundary,

A clear limit,

That clearly and firmly says,

This is not okay.

But my friends,

Their parents,

They said nothing at all.

They just accepted it.

And for the moment,

I decided to just be an observer,

Because I was their guest.

And sometimes,

Having clear boundaries means knowing that as a guest,

I can't be the one to define this family's rules,

What's acceptable and what's not acceptable,

For them.

That's up to them.

And just like I don't allow others to define my boundaries,

It's not my place to define another person's boundaries for them.

Although,

When I was the one who was being interrupted,

I did choose to model some personal limit setting by kindly yet firmly asking whoever it was that interrupted to wait until we'd finished our exchange,

And until there was a natural pause,

Some space.

And I could instantly tell that these children,

They really didn't like being asked to wait.

And yet,

You know what,

They did start to wait,

And the interruptions soon diminished.

And what was really interesting was that they began to participate in the conversation in a much more harmonious way.

And I could tell that somehow,

They became more relaxed,

Just knowing what the rules of engagement,

The boundaries,

Were.

And so,

You can take a moment to just consider the message that's being given when you don't say something,

Or when you choose not to challenge something or someone out of the potential inconvenience of a confrontation,

Or even your dread of a confrontation,

A dread that might arise out of the unspoken fear of the other person getting upset,

Or angry,

Or becoming cold or rejecting you.

I wonder if you might wonder,

What have these parents,

My friends,

Been teaching their children?

And what have these kids,

Who are so naturally perceptive,

Already learned between the lines?

Well,

Maybe I can just lay it out plainly.

The parents are enabling the children to interrupt rudely,

And so these young people are learning that all they have to do is just walk into a room and demand attention,

And everyone will instantly stop whatever it is that they're doing and respond.

So these children are quickly learning that what they want matters more than what other people want.

The children are learning and internalizing a pattern that says they can have immediate attention whenever they want it.

They're learning that it doesn't matter if they don't have manners or any social awareness at all.

They're learning that they don't have to respect other people's conversations,

Or interactions,

Or boundaries,

That they can just intrude whenever they want to.

And I wonder,

By not teaching these young people to respect the boundaries of others' interactions,

What will the likely consequences be?

Will these kids suddenly just spontaneously develop social awareness or manners in the years to come?

Or is it much more likely that they'll become even more unruly and demanding and rude?

And so that's why I chose to act as a model,

And chose to skillfully establish some limits,

Some healthy boundaries,

For myself and for my friends.

And if you want people to treat you well and with respect,

You probably understand that you can't just look the other way when they're snippy or rude.

If you want people to believe you,

To know that you mean it when you say no,

Then you can't give in after you've said no,

Even and especially when they try to pressure you to change your mind,

And you can expect that they will try.

And because you want people to respect you,

You can engage with them and be willing to endure their upset and still demand that they treat you respectfully,

Even though they may be angry when you've said no or when you establish a limit,

And especially when they aren't used to that because the old you was much more of a pushover.

Because really,

The chances are that for most of your life,

You haven't lived in the wilderness,

Just sleeping on the ground.

You probably live in some kind of structure,

An apartment or a house,

And your living space has walls and floors and a roof and doors,

And they all keep out the cold and the rain,

The animals and the bugs and any other unwanted visitors.

And when we want to keep those things out,

When we want our home to feel really good,

It's best that we close the doors and keep the walls and the roof solid,

That we maintain them and keep them in good condition.

I mean,

What good would walls or doors be if any stranger or any animal or insect could just wander right on in any old time whenever they wanted to?

If it's your place,

Then it just makes sense that you get to choose who and what can come in and who and what isn't welcome,

Does it not?

I mean,

If you were a teacher,

What good would it be?

If you always let the students run the class,

Who would that benefit?

As an employer or a manager or a leader,

How effective or successful can you be if you're afraid of your employees getting upset or angry about your vision or your policies?

And so I wonder now,

You can ask yourself,

Who is it that sets the limits in your relationship with others?

And in order for you to set the limits realistically,

It means knowing yourself more deeply and defining yourself and accepting yourself more fully.

And from there,

You can honestly say comfortably,

This is me.

This is who I am.

And of course,

Other people may and probably do have different opinions,

And other people may and probably do feel differently.

But for yourself,

You're the only one and you can rightfully say,

This is me.

This is how I feel.

And this is what's right for me.

And you can think,

It's up to me to let other people know what's okay and what's not okay for me,

What's acceptable and what's not acceptable for me.

Because after all,

I'm sure you can now appreciate that no one ever shows up in your life already fully trained to be a good friend or partner.

Anyone you work with,

Anyone in your family,

Your friends,

Anyone you're intimate with,

Anyone in your life at all,

Must gradually learn how to treat you in the ways that you want to be treated.

And one of the best ways that you can help them and guide them to learn is to be clear and consistent about expressing your limits,

Your boundaries.

And you know,

If you discover that others don't care enough or don't respect you enough to want to treat you in an honorable way,

Well then,

You can make your decisions accordingly about whether you want to keep this person in your life or not.

And if so,

You're clear about how physically or emotionally distant you need to be to maintain good feelings about yourself and respect for yourself.

And it may be that in order for you to feel okay around this person,

You might choose to keep things distant and superficial between you,

Just to keep yourself well inside and out.

And that's part of what it means to have good boundaries.

It means protecting yourself,

Treating yourself,

Meaning your body and your feelings and your needs and your spirit and your wishes as if they're valuable treasures because you know what?

They absolutely are.

And so I wonder,

You've probably noticed some sensations and awareness just bubbling up from inside,

Strong,

Self-caring feelings that are getting even stronger as you listen and experience and learn from this time,

This opportunity that you've given yourself in this session and through all of the work that you've been doing to know yourself more completely.

And doesn't it feel good to know you are developing yourself and you're growing and transforming in very deep and powerful ways.

And you can enjoy those feelings,

Keep them close to your heart and readily available to you.

And going forward,

You recognize opportunities many times a day,

Every day to express your boundaries,

To make your boundaries known to yourself and to others.

And you can just enjoy the feelings of comfort now.

Just notice how good it feels to be relaxed and to have your mind clear and focused.

And you can take whatever time you want to genuinely enjoy these good feelings.

And then when you're good and ready,

You can do the things that you need to,

To bring about a solid sense of completion for this session.

And then when you have that strong sense of completion and when you feel good about what you've done today,

The changes that you've set into motion,

Now you can begin the process of awakening yourself slowly and gradually.

And you might take a little bit of time for yourself as you're becoming more and more aware.

And then whenever you're ready to,

You can reorient yourself completely,

Totally alert and allow your eyes to open,

Returning to the place where you are awake,

Alert,

Refreshed and feeling fantastic.

Reviews

What a great and insightful session. I really like the stories approach making the insights tangible and well-explained