Exploring Boundaries

In this preparation session, we’re going to explore how our boundaries are discerned and developed - or not - as we grow and mature as human beings. What kind of experiences prevent a person from cultivating strong, healthy, boundaries; and what leads a person to become so conflict averse that they’d be willing to do almost anything to avoid having to say “no”?

Almost everyone, at some point, runs into challenges, obstacles, or problems in their family, work, or intimate personal relationships - that at their root, are issues around boundaries. This session will provide you with the framework you need to be ready to start clarifying, expressing, and maintaining healthy boundaries!

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Transcript

One of the most significant and impactful developments that can and really should naturally unfold through the process of any person's growing up and maturing in life is the evolution and clarifying of a strong and independent sense of who you are as an individual.

Cultivating a sense of who you are entails developing an awareness of your own personal values,

Your own personal beliefs,

Your own attitudes and approaches,

Your own interests and preferences,

Knowing what feels good for you and what really doesn't,

And nobody else is qualified to do this for you.

And this process of first clarifying and defining yourself,

And then learning to express,

Assert,

And maintain your unique individuality is known as defining and maintaining your boundaries.

And having clear and strong boundaries is a process that should naturally unfold and develop,

Because it is utterly essential for you to feel good about who you are,

And feel good about living your own unique life.

Now I say should naturally unfold,

But sadly,

This isn't always the case for far too many people.

There are so many experiences that can interrupt,

Slow down,

Or even halt the otherwise natural development of self-knowing in a person.

For example,

An unstable,

Uncertain,

Or dangerous home environment,

Traumatic or abusive relationships,

Neglect,

Abandonment,

And many other adverse experiences,

Particularly when we're young,

Can cause a person to become primarily externally focused as a matter of survival.

I mean,

How can a person,

Any person,

And especially a child,

Attend to what's going on inside of them,

Discovering what they truly enjoy,

Or cultivating their sense of purpose in life,

Or knowing their own value,

If they're worried about not having a place to live,

Or if they're afraid of being hurt,

Or shamed,

Or abandoned?

How can a person learn to clearly and effectively communicate what they don't like,

To express what causes them suffering,

Or what they don't want to experience,

When any attempt to say no results in increased danger through abandonment,

Or punishment,

Or violence,

Or even a double-helping of whatever they said no to in the first place?

Human beings,

And especially children,

Are incredibly adaptive.

We learn very quickly.

And when our environment is dangerous,

Or unstable,

Our protective,

Subconscious mind springs into action,

Creating patterns of reaction that will allow us to survive in an unsafe situation.

Patterns that are based on the actions and behaviors of other people.

Patterns that are based on environmental hazards.

Patterns that are based on predicting the degree of threat in the situation.

Patterns that easily become fixed and condition a person's behavior,

And the way a person thinks and feels about life and about the world,

Even and perhaps most significantly about themselves.

And it's through these patterns of constant or preferential focus on the other,

Whether that's the parent,

Or the environment,

Or the perceived threat,

That we end up making a subconscious habit of essentially losing ourselves.

So often,

When I begin supporting people in my practice,

I'm amazed by how often individuals who are in close relationships,

Within their families,

Or with their partners,

Essentially lose themselves to the other people around them.

And they might become lost in a variety of ways,

Often because this pattern of focusing on the other makes them an easy target for others to manipulate or take advantage of,

Just surrendering to the tactics and maneuvers of others who are in some way misusing or even abusing them for their own selfish benefit or even convenience.

When the other person or group only seems to care about how you can best meet their needs and they seem to have little or no interest at all in meeting yours,

It's a good indication that there are most likely some boundary issues present in that relationship.

And in terms of your fundamental well-being,

I really can't overemphasize how important it is that you cultivate a number of skills that will enhance your ability to establish your boundaries,

To consistently express them and maintain them over time,

No matter what relationship or circumstances you may find yourself in.

Because it's pretty much impossible for you to feel genuinely good about yourself if you don't have a deeply rooted and clear sense of who you are,

Of what's actually important to you,

And what you are and what you are not willing to accept in your relationships with other people.

And as you continue to develop a stronger sense of who you are and how you want to live your life,

This exploration and inquiry into the question of personal boundaries will surface again and again throughout your life,

Both in the context of your relationships with other people,

As well as in the relationships you have with yourself,

With your own internal parts.

And so right now is really the best time for you to deeply and honestly explore and consider how you are currently managing your relationships with the other people in your life.

I wonder,

Do you often find other people intrusive or invasive,

Physically,

Emotionally,

Or energetically,

In a way that makes you feel uncomfortable?

Do you regularly find them demanding things of you,

Your time,

Your attention,

Or your energy,

In a way that feels unreasonably demanding,

Imbalanced,

Or unfair?

Do you find it a struggle to even deal with other people,

Because they seem to overpower you,

Or push you around,

Or manipulate you so easily?

Do they get you to cave in to their demands,

And then leave you feeling weak,

Or powerless,

Or just plain down about yourself?

And I'd be curious to know if,

When other people make demands on you,

Do you simply submit to those demands,

Rather than get into any kind of confrontation with them,

And then berate yourself afterwards,

Having lost respect for yourself as a result?

Or to put it all in a nutshell,

Do you often find it so difficult or uncomfortable to hold your own with other people,

Because you're usually so anxious,

Terrified even,

Of their upset,

Or rejection,

Or their disapproval,

That you end up collapsing internally,

Just giving in to their demands,

Even when their demands are unreasonable?

And I have no doubt that,

When this happens to you,

You probably end up feeling angry with the person that you feel pushed you around.

And you might also end up feeling angry with yourself,

Because you already know you could have handled the situation so much more effectively,

But somehow,

You didn't.

And your self-esteem suffers,

Despair,

And a sense of helplessness and hopelessness can begin to take root,

Even leading to depression.

Well,

If all of this sounds a little too familiar,

Then you're in the right place,

Because in the next session,

We're going to go deep within your subconscious mind,

And I'm going to encourage you and provide you with new resources,

New ways of thinking and perceiving,

And you'll develop a deeper capacity,

Greater skill,

And a much better ability to manage your relationships with other people well,

By clearly defining,

Asserting,

And maintaining your personal boundaries.

And that means,

You're decisive about what you are,

And what you're not willing to do.

You're totally clear about what you are,

And what you're not willing to say.

You're deeply rooted in what you can and even should accept about yourself,

Because it's worthy and valid for you.

You're confident in what you choose to do,

And what you're willing to defend doing,

Because it's right for you.

And you're grounded in your core,

Knowing what you're willing to allow others to do,

And say around you,

And what you're not willing to let others do and say around you.

And these are just a sample of the many,

Many ways that you can choose to express your boundaries,

Or sadly,

How a person can choose not to express their boundaries,

And in the end,

Contribute significantly to their own suffering.

Because the truth is,

You are the architect of your own life.

You're the one designing it,

And you are the one living it.

There's no one who knows your feelings,

Or your preferences,

Or your soul's purpose better than you do.

Nobody on the entire planet,

Past or future,

Knows your internal world better than you do.

I mean,

How could they?

So it isn't only appropriate,

But essential,

If you honestly intend to feel good inside,

Coherent and congruent,

To make your relationships with people in a straightforward,

Clear and robust manner,

Always aware of your personal boundaries,

And expressing clearly in word and deed how you want others to treat you,

And how they must treat you,

If they want to be a part of your life.

Because I'm sure you realize that even if you're totally clear in expressing your desire to be treated well,

And to be free from other people acting in negative or manipulative ways,

It doesn't automatically mean that the other person you're dealing with will be able,

Or have the skills and capacity,

To actually do what you request or require of them.

And if you discover that this other person can't be honest,

Or can't honor agreements and keep their word,

Or contribute meaningfully to the relationship,

It is disappointing,

Or even hurtful.

But at least you'll be totally clear that the obstacle,

The limitation in the relationship,

Isn't you.

No,

You'll clearly understand that it's the other person's inability to respect the standards,

The boundaries that you've set in place.

And that puts you in the position to choose.

You get to choose whether to continue in this relationship,

Or to redefine your position in some way.

And if you are going to continue in it,

Well,

That might mean you'll need to pull back a bit,

Physically,

Or emotionally,

Or energetically,

From certain people,

And not be so emotionally attached to someone who is not going to respect your needs,

Or your boundaries.

Or maybe,

If you discover that this person isn't very capable,

You might choose to create some emotional space,

Distance,

By lowering your expectations of the other person so that you're not setting yourself up to be hurt,

Or disappointed.

You know,

It really helps a lot to know what others are genuinely capable of before you get too emotionally invested with them.

Because unfortunately,

Not everyone is capable of love,

Or skillful communication,

Patience,

Acceptance,

Loyalty,

Taking personal responsibility,

And other such fundamental relationship skills.

And so,

The next session will be about clarifying,

Establishing,

And maintaining boundaries.

In the session,

I'll be emphasizing both directly and indirectly,

Consciously and subconsciously,

The need to establish the parameters in your relationships with other people,

And even in your relationship with yourself,

And all of your various parts.

What are you willing to accept from yourself?

Are you willing to accept excuses,

Rationalizations,

Or justifications that allow problems to go on and on,

Around and around,

Indefinitely,

Without any resolution or progress?

Are you willing to engage in behaviors that you yourself don't respect?

Are you willing to blow up and scream at people you care about,

Or call them names,

Or turn your back on them,

Just abandon them,

Withdraw and sulk until you get your way?

Because when I talk about boundaries,

I'm talking about establishing and clarifying self-defining parameters around your thoughts,

Your feelings,

And your behaviors,

So that you can step forward into living your life more fully,

With integrity.

Because you can enjoy the kind of high-frequency,

High-quality life,

The kind of life that you yourself can respect.

Because it's small things that grow into bigger things,

One step at a time.

And I can imagine how great you'll feel as you discover that you're regularly able to complete interactions with other people,

And walk away reflecting,

Thinking to yourself,

I really like what I did and said there.

Because that's how you build healthy self-esteem.

Little wins along the way.

It's stone by stone that a boundary is built,

And after the next session,

You'll find that You're more and more aware of the issue of boundaries.

You're more and more able to continually establish sensible,

Reasonable,

And realistic boundaries.

And you may be surprised to find that you're sustaining your boundaries,

And maintaining them,

As you continue to clarify and assert your boundaries in an ongoing way.

And you can even enjoy finding new and skillful ways of communicating your boundaries clearly to others,

And to yourself.

And now that I've clarified the parameters,

The boundaries,

Of what the next session is all about,

Doesn't it make it so much more clear,

So much easier for you to go ahead and get started exploring your own boundaries?