A Question Of Control

In this preparation session, you’ll learn about how subconscious patterns that begin as natural survival responses become rigid over-general rules that begin to be universally applied in our lives, making us live smaller, more anxious lives.

You’ll discover the two simple but serious errors that we can make in our thought processes that lead us to feel increasingly out of control, and gain insight into a new approach through which you can transform your thinking, behaviour, and as a result - your life - in incredible, and much more enjoyable ways!

Transcript

A person would be hard-pressed,

I think,

To be completely unaware of at least some of the events that are taking place all around the world right now.

We call it the news,

And it's on the internet,

And the radio,

And the TV,

And in the papers.

And the news is filled with details about all kinds of different,

Complicated strife happening all over the world.

There are struggles about politics,

And religion,

And famine,

And fires,

And floods,

Not to mention people's opinions about gender,

And individual life choices,

And lifestyles.

And whatever the issues are that are in the news today,

It would be easy to be totally overwhelmed,

To become anxious and filled with despair,

To come to the grim conclusion that the world is like some negative vortex just spiraling out of control,

And you're being sucked in,

Just spinning right along with it.

The world is an incredibly big place,

Although modern technology often makes it seem small.

I mean,

In just one ten-minute clip of news,

We're exposed to multiple stories,

And the places and the people in each story might be separated by thousands of miles.

And in my experience,

Balance isn't what sells the news.

It isn't a wide and expansive panorama that generates hits and clicks and,

Of course,

Revenue.

No.

What they go for is a very sharp focus on the sensational and the tragic,

And from the perspective of the news program,

The more graphic it is,

The better.

And it's so seldom that we consider the innumerable stories and relationships,

Or the people,

And the kindnesses and so many other stories that also take place in the thousands of miles between the clips on the news,

Among the many millions of people sharing life on earth in ways that are more subtle and loving and powerful.

And it's easy to understand how jumping from a story about injustice in one country to a story about war in another country to a story about a natural disaster on the other side of the ocean in the space of just five or ten minutes might leave a person feeling like the world is an utterly terrible place,

Filled with terrible people,

And that we're all,

Inevitably,

Doomed to be miserable,

And a person might begin to feel powerless and insignificant and totally out of control.

And you know,

When this happens,

It's because of a very natural and subconscious survival response known as negativity bias,

Which,

In a nutshell,

Means that if,

Say,

You were walking in the woods,

And you saw something long and thin on the ground,

Out of the corner of your eye,

It would be safer if you were to mistake a stick for a snake than it would be for you to mistake a snake for a stick,

Because you'd jump out of the way.

And whether it actually was a deadly snake or just an old stick,

Either way you'd get to live another day.

And the benefits of surviving outweigh the possibility of feeling a bit silly for jumping away from some old stick.

The trouble is that your unconscious mind is always working to be more efficient,

To find shortcuts,

And if we're not careful,

Our subconscious mind will just,

Kind of automatically,

Make a general rule,

Applied universally,

And at all times,

That any long,

Thin object on the ground,

Anywhere,

Must be a snake,

And must be reacted to accordingly.

And if,

Even once,

It actually was a snake,

Well,

The subconscious mind might even take that as evidence that this general and universal rule is absolutely true,

Regardless of where you are,

Or even if any snakes live there at all.

And every person in their life will experience pain,

And loss,

And shame.

Everyone will have their heart broken,

Even,

And perhaps especially,

If they're living their life well.

And the subconscious mind doesn't discern a difference between physical pain and emotional pain.

To your subconscious mind,

All pain,

All suffering,

Is viewed as a potential threat to your survival,

And your unconscious mind might start to create general,

Universally applied rules for virtually every aspect of your life,

From what kind of work you can do,

To where you can live,

To who,

Or even if it's safe to have friends,

Or more intimate relationships.

And on the one hand,

These kinds of absolute rules might actually keep a person safe in a general way,

But they also tend to lead to a life that gets progressively smaller,

More limited,

More anxious,

And more isolated.

And in my experience,

A person that feels afraid,

And trapped,

And alone,

Isn't really more safe,

Or more able to survive,

Let alone more able to enjoy their life at all.

In fact,

It's quite the opposite.

And so,

I've been curious,

Why isn't it this way for everyone?

I've often wondered,

What skills,

What resources,

What tools do people use to maintain their ability to feel really good about,

And free to enjoy,

Their lives,

And their world?

Now,

Of course,

It's important to be able to appreciate the complexity of what's happening in the world,

And the complexity of human nature,

And relationship,

And naturally,

It's important to be aware of circumstances that might genuinely threaten our well-being.

But what I'm particularly interested in,

Is how you can choose your responses to the things that you're exposed to,

Meaning the various situations that you face,

And the people that you interact with.

We're living in the same world,

You and I,

And yet our responses may be quite different to the situations that we each face,

And the inevitable problems that we all have to deal with.

Something that's well-known about experiences of anxiety and depression,

Is that when some people feel beaten down,

Or when they feel like they've been hurt,

Or are continuing to be hurt,

By other people,

Or by life situations,

Or by problems that seem just too huge to deal with,

They may retreat into a sense of personal helplessness,

Feeling they're a powerless victim of situational or emotional forces that are just too great to overcome.

And I think by now,

You probably understand that what's most often happening here is that some kind of subconscious,

General rule is being universally applied in that person's life.

And it's really unfortunate when that happens,

Because the anxiety and despair that come from feeling helpless to make any difference,

Or to change things,

Is almost always an illusion.

Because I don't know if I've ever supported anyone in my practice who felt trapped,

Or anxious,

Or depressed,

Who wasn't making mistakes,

Simple,

But often serious and pervasive errors about the issue of control.

And almost invariably,

These errors take one of two forms.

The first one is known as the illusion of helplessness,

Where it might appear like it doesn't make any difference what you do,

You're just stuck.

Maybe you feel absolutely victimized by some person or situation,

And that you absolutely cannot change or improve anything at all,

And so all you can do is just silently suffer.

And the illusion of helplessness occurs when someone views themselves as helpless,

When in fact they really are not.

In fact,

There are things that they could do to improve their life circumstances.

The person can learn to respond differently,

To think differently,

And feel differently,

And they can learn new skills that can lead to much better quality of life.

And maybe you can't do it instantly,

Today,

Because a particular skill might take some time to cultivate.

For example,

In order for someone to eventually become financially self-sufficient,

And by doing so be liberated from having to be dependent on a person who is hurtful or abusive,

A person might need to train,

Or take courses,

Or go back to school and take the time to develop a new way of making a living.

And I've often had people say to me,

Well Eshu,

I can't go back to school now,

I'm already forty-six,

It'll take me four years,

I'll be fifty when I graduate.

And I'm the one who has to ask,

So,

How old will you be in four years if you don't go back to school?

And so,

Even at the age of fifty or sixty,

You can have new options that allow for your financial independence,

And the key point here is that you do,

In fact,

Have choices.

You're not helpless,

And you can discover how to recognize choices,

And how you can choose wisely.

Now,

The other error that people commonly mistake is called the illusion of control,

And the illusion of control exists when people believe they can control some person or situation when in fact they can't.

Maybe they really want someone to feel,

Or act,

Or respond in a certain way,

Or they want some situation to unfold in a particular way,

But despite all their wishes,

There are other factors controlling what happens.

So they end up efforting,

And exerting,

And failing to get some specific result,

And when they do,

Often they tend to personalize that unwanted result,

Feeling or believing that they themselves must somehow be fundamentally defective or unworthy,

And then they might sink into despair and depression as a result of discovering that here's something they really care so much about,

But can't really do anything about.

I mean,

Consider the illusion of control that exists,

For example,

When you want to make your child value something that you yourself value,

Like a certain level of education,

Or keeping a tidy house,

Or playing a particular instrument,

Or when you want your partner to be a more attentive communicator,

Or more physically affectionate.

The illusion of control is in believing you can somehow make your child or partner want to be whatever it is that you want them to be,

Because that person may be your child or your partner,

But they're not a robot,

They're not your puppet,

And you just don't have absolute control over what this person chooses to do of their own free will.

And if you try to control that person,

Well,

You end up learning the hard way that you just don't have total control over them.

I always like to remind myself that as a general principle,

In any relationship,

You're at most only 50% of it,

And you can't establish 100% control when you're only 50% of something.

But you can make changes about what you do.

You are in control of what you do,

Of what you say,

Where you go,

What you eat,

Who you choose to spend time with,

What you read,

And on and on.

You do have control over much of what happens in your life,

But no one is in control of everything.

And it's possible to prevent a whole lot of suffering and anxiety and disappointment when you learn to invest yourself wisely in choosing which things you're going to spend time and energy on,

And which things you're going to back away from,

Physically or emotionally,

Because you recognize that in this situation,

You have little or no ability to control what happens.

And of course,

Your ability to control circumstances is rarely all or none.

It isn't that simple.

You can usually put forth some well-focused effort to create some positive possibilities.

You can often strive to create possibilities.

But of course,

There aren't any guarantees in life.

Real change,

Genuine transformation begins when those possibilities start to become realities.

And of course,

Not every attempt that you make will succeed.

I mean,

After all,

Nobody in the world succeeds at everything they do.

But you'll find that the number and quality of your successes will increase as your ability to choose wisely how much of yourself and when to invest yourself in a possibility increases.

So the next session is all about getting you deeply absorbed in your subconscious mind and learning that you can quickly evaluate in a careful and well-informed way what is in your control and what isn't in your control,

So you can step forward as the master of your own life,

Making good decisions in your own behalf with powerful intention and skill.

And now that you're ready,

Let's get started.