Ch 8: Give Yourself Permission To Be Brave

Bravery isn’t loud or showy — it’s often quiet, personal, and deeply necessary. In this chapter, you’ll learn how to face fear with honesty, build trust in yourself, and let go of what’s holding you back. We’ll talk about resilience, risk-taking, and the surprising fear of success that sneaks in when we’re on the edge of change. This is about showing up — imperfectly, wholeheartedly, and with just enough courage to take the next step. Being brave isn’t about having no fear—it’s about moving forward anyway.

Listen on, and we will navigate the seven seas to freedom together.

Ch 8: Give Yourself Permission to Be Brave: 'Give Yourself Permission to Live Your Life', written and read by Priya Rana Kapoor (Balboa Press), ©2014/2025 Priya Rana Kapoor

Transcript

Chapter 8,

Give Yourself Permission to Be Brave.

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear,

But the triumph over it.

The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid,

But he who conquers that fear,

Nelson Mandela.

Making major changes in the way you live your life and interact with people can be difficult.

It can call for confronting fear and taking calculated risks.

Sometimes you just have to keep on plowing forward despite the difficulties.

That might sound a little scary,

But the most important step is a relatively simple one.

Giving yourself permission to recognize those debilitating emotions and reactions and confronting them bravely.

As you heard in chapter one,

Why we don't give ourselves permission,

Many of my clients are virtually paralyzed with fear when I ask them what makes them happy.

Everybody says that their main goal in life is to be happy.

But at the same time,

They often have no idea what they need to do to achieve that goal.

This can be because they worry about what others will think,

Don't want to upset anyone.

Fear appearing selfish or self-centered.

Don't believe that what they want matters.

Don't embrace their own worth or fear failing.

We've looked at why fears get in our way and why we don't give ourselves permission to think and do what we want.

But now we're going to explore ways we can move past these barriers.

Acknowledging your feelings.

Whatever the origin of people's pain,

From outright abuse to a struggle with inconsistent messages,

We are all entitled to feel the way we do.

When we're afraid,

Hurt,

Or angry,

We can honor those feelings without giving in to them.

As a young girl,

I learned not to express any emotions or opinions.

If I did have feelings of disappointment or sorrow,

Others usually dismissed them or told me to buck up.

This meant that I never really understood my emotions,

So it was easier to bottle them up.

I never completely trusted what I was feeling.

As a result,

I started to doubt myself and to lose confidence in any feelings of being worthy.

It took years before I learned how to give myself permission to understand that I mattered enough to express my feelings.

To move past the negativity associated with some feelings,

It's often helpful to verbally express yourself to another person,

Someone you trust,

And who will not dismiss you.

If you find it difficult to trust anyone at first,

Try writing your thoughts in a journal,

One you can keep safe from prying eyes.

Expressing how you feel clears the oppression these feelings hold over you.

It's always best to verbalize emotions in a straightforward manner,

Without drama,

And then release them.

Rehashing the issue could just drive you crazy.

Ultimately,

The aim is to nurture yourself so you're in a safe place to trust and understand yourself.

You're allowed to have feelings,

And you're allowed to recognize them,

But you would be best served to acknowledge them and then let them go.

Learn to trust.

Remember,

You are the only person who thinks in your mind.

You are the power and authority in your world.

Louise L.

Hay.

Trust yourself.

Unless we trust ourselves in a truly deep and meaningful way,

It's almost impossible for us to give ourselves permission to do anything.

There is safe fear and limiting fear.

Safe fear is when your gut instinct tells you something is wrong,

Like when you think you might take a shortcut through the park on your way home,

But something tells you that it might be dangerous.

It's late,

You're on your own,

And it just doesn't feel right.

Limiting fear is when you decide to not do something because you're afraid to fail,

Worried about what might happen,

Or concerned about what others will think.

In actuality,

You're not taking your desires,

Needs,

And abilities into consideration.

Rather,

You're allowing your insecurities to dominate you.

The challenge is to distinguish between the two types of fear.

Trust yourself to listen to the safe fear and recognize the limiting fear as such and push through it.

Both responses require you to be brave.

When we have faith in ourselves that we know what's best in a particular situation,

With time and practice,

We can master the art of trusting others.

We can learn to create an environment in which we don't allow doubt to dominate us in the situations we encounter.

Trust your gut instincts.

One of the first actions to undertake is to learn how to trust your very basic instincts.

Begin by listening to your gut feelings.

This starts by giving yourself permission to take that gut instinct seriously.

Just like you're allowed to feel your emotions,

You're allowed to give weight to what your gut feelings tell you.

If something about a particular situation or decision feels wrong to you,

It probably is.

I strongly believe that our deep instincts will tell us the truth if we listen to them without prejudice.

Often,

We know the truth of a situation and don't want to hear it or don't have enough faith in ourselves to take heed.

When I look back,

I can see a few instances when I did not respect a strong gut feeling I had.

I made decisions that were contrary to what my intuition was screaming at me.

Just before my wedding,

Everything was telling me not to go to Egypt for the honeymoon.

Quite apart from the political instability in the region at the time,

My gut instinct and the signs around me were telling me not to go to that region and to go anywhere else instead.

I ignored all of it,

Though.

I desperately wanted to go to Egypt,

And I didn't want others to think I was afraid or weak.

Sure enough,

Not only did we arrive the day of one of the worst attacks in Egyptian history,

But I also experienced my first major MS exacerbation.

Due to plummeting tourism and diminished infrastructure,

We struggled to find a flight back to the United States.

On top of everything else,

I was really not feeling very well.

If I had known how to acknowledge my instincts and had acted upon them earlier,

I cannot help but think that the exacerbation and the accompanying stress may have been less upsetting and drawn out.

But I wasn't accustomed to listening to myself.

The trust muscle.

Different people find different ways exercising their trust muscles.

The key is,

First,

To find ways to listen to yourself.

This is often easier in a quiet,

Calm,

And solitary environment.

Listen to your body.

Is it telling you that you're tired and need to slow down?

Or maybe that you're not getting enough exercise?

If you work in a busy office environment,

An easy way to find some personal space is to go for a short walk at lunchtime,

Or even just go to the loo.

Hopefully,

No one can get upset with you for that,

Ask you a question,

Or follow you in.

Lock the door and take a few minutes alone to unwind.

Check in with yourself and focus on your feelings,

Instincts,

And emotions.

Ask your body what it's trying to tell you,

And just listen.

Plenty of very successful people practice the art of meditation.

Meditation is simply giving yourself permission to empty all of your everyday conscious thoughts,

Fears,

And anxieties,

So that your subconscious thoughts and answers have room to reveal themselves.

We all can benefit from some time and space to simply focus on ourselves,

And be alone,

Breathe deeply,

And connect with our bodies.

You can learn to meditate from many good recordings available in most online bookstores,

Or you can find a meditation group at your local holistic wellness center,

Religious center,

Or yoga studio.

I found that the best way for me to get to a place where I can listen to my self and receive signs or understanding my gut feelings,

Is to play some gentle or spiritual music.

Footnote seven,

Check out anything by Stephen Halpin,

Or Alex Theory,

Or many other new age artists.

An extension of meditation is the practice of visualization or guided imagery.

These techniques are closely related,

And the terms are often used interchangeably.

For me,

Guided imagery is a form of hypnosis,

And can generally be practiced by listening to a recording of someone guiding you to a place where you can achieve peace and relaxation.

Many people use a form of guided imagery to stop smoking or promote deeper sleep.

Visualization is when you imagine and see outcomes and success for yourself.

We will be doing a visualization together in just a few moments,

In the letting go box exercise.

Amongst other things,

Both techniques allow the body and brain some space to relax,

And in so doing,

Opens up the mind to more clarity and focus.

You can work with a therapist or coach with these techniques,

Or learn more by searching on the internet for books and CDs on the topics.

It's good to recognize how your body feels when you're anxious and stressed,

And then when you're happy and calm.

When you identify how you physically feel in these states,

It becomes easier to focus on transitioning from anxiety to tranquility.

Often all it takes is a few deep breaths,

A little focus,

And some willingness to allow relaxation to enter.

When your body and mind are much more relaxed,

You're much more able to listen to and hear what your gut instincts and physical body is trying to tell you.

It can be difficult at first,

But it will get easier.

Exercise,

Focused breathing.

Only do this exercise when you are in a quiet place.

Do not listen to it when driving or operating heavy machinery.

Please fast forward through the exercise and come back to it when the time is right.

Right now,

Right where you are,

Close your eyes and take a deep breath.

Hold your breath for three seconds.

Exhale to the count of five.

Then inhale to the count of eight.

Hold your breath.

Exhale.

And repeat a total of three times.

If you become lightheaded,

Stop and start breathing normally again.

How do you feel?

How long did it take for you to start feeling relaxed?

I suspect that it didn't take too long,

Which should give you an idea of how easy it would be to incorporate such a simple action into your daily life.

And of what significant benefits it may have.

Seeking approval.

Another way in which we can really learn how to exercise self-trust is to change some old patterns of behavior.

For instance,

If you've been in the habit of seeking approval from others,

Try looking to yourself for that approval.

This doesn't have to involve grandiose gestures.

If you think that your new hairdo or outfit is attractive,

Trust your judgment and don't rely on the approval of others to feel happy about it.

If you choose a new car because you feel it suits your lifestyle and needs,

Don't look for a thumbs up from your friends or family.

Trust yourself to make the right decisions for you.

When you master the art of approving of yourself and the decisions you make,

You'll reinforce the feeling that you're worth listening to,

And that your opinions and decisions do matter.

When you make a conscious effort to grow your self-trust,

You'll find that it becomes even more profound with practice.

A reality check.

More often than not,

It's useful to explore whether our perceptions of what is going on is grounded in reality,

Or whether it's skewed by our limiting beliefs or past experiences.

I call this process a reality check,

And use it with many of my clients as a way to figure out what's really going on in their lives.

A reality check is a useful tool that allows us to burst preconceptions,

Assume a greater degree of personal responsibility,

Trust ourselves more,

Feel more at ease with ourselves,

And feel more confident.

It has a positive repercussion at all levels of personal and professional success.

Many times,

Clients who have negative and limiting feelings about themselves or their behavior will verbally express them to me as an excuse for why they believe they cannot do something.

I always challenge them with a reality check.

Clear out limiting beliefs.

For instance,

Clients will make what seems to be a fairly convincing case that they really are disorganized,

Or bad at math,

Or whatever else might be holding them back.

Often,

The belief has been limiting their ability to fulfill any long-held dreams or goals they might have for themselves.

The reality check may go something like this.

So,

You say you're disorganized,

I would say.

Let's look at the areas in your life where you are organized.

Well,

The client might say,

I'm very organized in the potting shed.

Interesting,

I tell him.

This means that you are capable of being organized.

Let's look at what you're doing in the shed that's working out so well.

Why is it easier to be organized in the potting shed than at work?

The answer might be that it's easier to be organized in the potting shed because he loves working with plants and nurturing the buds and enjoys the physical aspect of this work.

In this case,

He and I can reasonably conclude that it's more difficult to be organized at work because he doesn't love what he's doing sitting behind a desk all day.

So we can problem solve to learn what he can do to make himself like work more.

We may find that he needs to move around more,

Enhance the creative aspects of his job,

Or put more focus on nurturing co-workers.

As a last resort,

If nothing redeeming can be found about the client's job,

He may come to the understanding that he may need to find another job,

One that he will find more fulfilling.

The reality of the matter at hand is that he is not disorganized,

Just uninterested.

Clearing out what others have said.

Other times,

I've reached a point where a client says something along the lines of,

I think I'm just not clever enough.

Or,

Maybe I just don't have it in me.

For me,

That's another clue to run a reality check.

Okay,

I say when she's expressed a negative feeling about some aspect of her current situation.

Can you tell me when you felt the same way in the past?

Often,

After a little discovery,

We end up discussing a point early in the client's life when a relative,

Teacher,

Or caregiver says something to her along the lines of,

You're not very good at maths.

Maybe you should find something to do in life that doesn't involve numbers.

But somewhere down the line,

The client also heard someone say to a sibling,

Friend,

Or classmate,

Oh,

Look how well you do at maths.

You're so clever.

The child puts two and two together and comes to the conclusion that she's stupid because she's bad at maths.

Sometimes,

We grow up not giving ourselves permission to do things that make us happy because of something someone has said to us.

We blame the other person for uttering those cruel,

Restrictive,

And unsupportive words,

And we feel our inabilities are their fault.

At this point,

We need to stop and think.

What was and is the truth?

Who originally voiced the idea that has been holding us back?

And could that person have had an agenda?

If so,

What was it?

Often,

It's difficult to discard memories completely,

So it can be more productive to change the way you think about and react to feelings or a set of beliefs that were created in the past.

It's also useful to attempt to understand what may have influenced the perpetrator.

After all,

You don't know what happened that might have led that person to say what they did.

Maybe another child,

A bully,

Originally created the hurt.

But perhaps the bully was acting out because he was getting beaten at home.

Maybe the teacher or adult who criticized you was short-tempered because of family problems or illness.

We don't know why they said what they did.

We never will.

And in the end,

It doesn't matter.

Offhand statements can cause someone to go through life thinking that she's less than stellar,

Regardless of how much evidence stacks up to the contrary.

As a child,

She might have reacted by studying really hard in an attempt to prove an unsupportive figure wrong.

Or maybe she didn't try at all because she felt there was no point.

In one case,

The child may grow into an anxious,

Driven,

Perfectionistic young adult with low self-esteem.

And in the other,

She may have developed into an individual with little confidence in her abilities,

Virtually no pride in her work,

And limited personal success.

Either way,

She has never forgotten the hurtful words that repeatedly play in her subconscious and continue to have an impact on her in the present day.

So,

To stack the evidence to the contrary in a coaching situation like this,

My next step is to say,

So what have you done between then and now that indicates that far from not being very clever,

You are actually quite intelligent?

The answer to this question varies,

Of course.

One client replied that she got a first in her degree from Oxford.

Another told me that he got his painting business off the ground and profitable in just six months.

I have yet to meet someone who isn't able to find an area in his or her life in which he or she has not excelled at some stage.

We all have been and are good at something,

But we just may not recognize it immediately.

To conclude this part of a session,

I say,

There are things that you're good at and areas in which you are actually very clever.

What else are you good at?

When the question is put like that,

Most people find it relatively easy to recall many of their strengths and times when they've been successful or shrewd or clever.

Essentially,

I've given them permission to see their strengths and a safe place in which to talk about them.

When we go through that process,

We come up with a list and a series of proofs that they are clever and that they are good at doing things after all.

This is quite the opposite of what they initially felt to be true.

By walking yourself through this line of thought,

You can check the reality of a situation or of the fear you're experiencing and see the truth of the matter.

In my 20s and 30s,

When I thought about my childhood,

I would remember how lost,

Lonely,

And small I felt and how difficult I found life.

I was confused by the fact that my father was home so rarely and I was hurt when he left us for good.

Looking back,

I can see that I felt very disempowered and unsupported.

However,

That was not necessarily the reality.

It was just what I felt and perceived.

In our adolescence,

We can quickly develop such conclusions from subtle influences.

Even though my environment was slightly chaotic and unstable,

Upon reflection,

I can see that I reacted well to our family's situation.

I was a strong and resilient child.

I now also recognize that I did have the support,

Albeit not always where I expected it or in the form I wanted it,

And that I was a very capable child.

I worked hard at school and did well.

I retained a good relationship with my mother and I strove to be independent.

In the early days,

When my parents were traveling,

Many think my sister and I were left with our nannies too often.

However,

For us,

This was a wonderful and enriching experience because we bonded with them and were able to experience a different way of life.

I remember going to Yorkshire with one of our nannies and having the excitement of eating fish and chips from a rolled up piece of newspaper,

A meal that was,

As far as I was concerned,

Both exotic and delicious.

Hera and I also had boundless opportunities for playdates with the children our nannies' friends cared for.

By checking the reality of my situation,

I realized that I always had someone around and I can see that,

Regardless of how insecure I felt much of the time,

Deep down,

I was happy.

By reality checking,

We can understand that whatever people may have said or suggested to us in the past,

We are independent,

We are clever,

We are full of potential,

And we can truly empower ourselves.

We can let go of old wounds and long-established patterns of thinking and behaving that have restricted our lives,

Possibly for years.

We don't have to fight against or contradict the author of the original hurtful words because there is no need to.

Refuse to let a careless spoken judgment have an impact on,

Let alone dictate,

The rest of your life.

Of course,

There will be times when we reality check our feelings or situations and discover that,

Yes,

Our concerns that our own behavior caused a problem is valid.

We may have indeed been hurtful or wrong about something and we need to take personal responsibility for that and mend the appropriate fences.

We can explore the things that really happen in our lives,

Accept that they occurred,

And move on.

Clinging to a version of the past that is groundless or inaccurate gets in our way and makes the present harder to live.

Often,

Reality checking shows people that they're already on the right path in many ways,

Even if there are areas where they need to make some modifications.

Letting go and forgiveness.

Sometimes,

However,

You have been truly hurt.

The person who was demeaning or unsupportive was probably misinformed,

Malicious,

Or just plain wrong.

They almost certainly had no idea what a profound impact their words would have on you as you grew into adulthood.

Although it's sometimes useful to understand why they are displaying negative emotions and behaviors,

It's counterproductive to agonize over why people said what they did to you.

If their behavior was clearly wrong,

You need to let it go.

This is not about them feeling better.

It's about you getting some freedom.

We're so often told that we need to forgive others for their actions so we can move on,

But I don't necessarily agree with that.

I acknowledge that this goes against what many psychologists,

Therapists,

Coaches,

And self-help gurus say.

For many,

Forgiving someone is difficult or even impossible to do.

People feel like they're letting the perpetrator off the hook and,

In a way,

Condoning their behavior.

When I was getting divorced,

I told a close family friend that I hoped one day I might meet someone else.

Without thinking,

She blurted out,

But who would want you?

You're handicapped.

At the time,

Those words really stung.

I now understand this person better and know that she's always felt huge pressure to be perfect,

And having a disabling disease is far from fitting into the image of normal.

Whilst initially it was very difficult for me to forgive her,

In time I was able to let go of the message as I understood it had nothing to do with me and,

In actuality,

She didn't mean it.

She was ignorantly talking out of fear.

By letting go of the statement,

It allowed me to free myself of the hurt and self-doubt.

What I have seen to work for many is to recognize and acknowledge that the action was hurtful and upsetting,

Attempt to understand why the person said what they did and what,

In their background,

May have contributed to their feelings of inadequacy or defensiveness,

And then let it all go,

Sometimes with love and sometimes just to free yourself of the pain.

Many times there is nothing that can be done to change the damaging situation that has already occurred,

But there is a way to move past it.

Forgiveness comes with time.

It's possible that once you've lived with the freedom of letting those actions or words go,

Have taken personal responsibility for how you've moved past them,

Have lived according to your needs and values,

And have created new,

More joyful events and interactions,

Then forgiveness might just happen organically,

Without you forcing it.

I really don't think there is any point in making yourself forgive someone or something in the hopes that doing so will eradicate the hurt.

Allow forgiveness to happen in the flow of living a unique and powerful life.

Eventually,

With time and understanding,

I was able to forgive our family friend for her thoughtless response.

Only do this exercise when you are in a quiet place.

Do not listen to it when driving or operating heavy machinery.

Please fast forward through the exercise and come back to it when the time is right.

Letting go is sometimes easier said than done,

So here's a brief visualization that may help you.

You may find it helpful to record yourself saying this visualization so you can listen to it with your eyes closed as you sit in a comfy chair.

Alternatively,

Because many people don't like the sound of their own voice,

You might want to ask a friend to record it.

Sit quietly and close your eyes.

Take a few deep breaths.

Visualize a box.

What color is your box?

How big is it?

Now think about what you want to let go of.

Get a very clear picture of the words or issues.

And then focus on the feelings and emotions associated with them.

Then pull all those words,

Images,

And feelings out of you and start putting them into the box.

Who said the words?

What was the situation?

How did it make you feel?

Now make sure you get every last one of them in.

The box can fit as much as you want to put in it.

Then choose a ribbon.

Visualizing the color,

Width,

And fabric you think would be best to tie up everything you want to let go of.

And then tie that ribbon around all four sides of the box and secure it with a big,

Beautiful bow on top.

Know that you have honored your feelings but also know that they no longer serve you.

And will be ceremoniously discarded from your mind and life.

Now visualize yourself walking to the edge of a cliff.

Or,

If a cliff is too precarious make your way to a bridge with a safe railing.

Now take one last look at the box.

Think about what's in it and throw it over the edge.

The box could just fall into an abyss so you never see where it lands but just know it has fallen away forever.

Maybe the box hits the rocks below and explodes or it could land in the water,

Bob around for a while and then be engulfed by the waves never to be seen again.

Once you are sure you can no longer see your box walk away from the edge.

Take a deep breath and know you are in a safe place full of ease and joy.

Open your eyes.

This exercise can be repeated every time you want to honor and let go of an emotion or scenario that no longer serves you.

The beauty of resilience.

We can use reality checking to determine how resilient we really are.

My experience has been that just about everyone figures out that they are much more resilient than they think.

When we look objectively at our lives by using reality checking we can uncover those times when we've been strong and those situations we've recovered from.

By figuring out what we did in those instances we can learn how to use the same sort of behavior going forward.

We can learn how to trust our abilities to tap into our powers of resilience when we need them.

After I was diagnosed I attended an extremely depressing MS support group.

Far from helping people to tap into their reserves of strength and self-worth it seemed to degenerate into focusing on the negatives which is unproductive when trying to identify and maintain resilience.

For people with a chronic illness or without one developing a positive mindset is particularly important for coping with setbacks or making the most of every day.

This doesn't mean that we can't acknowledge any anger towards whatever circumstance we've been handed but we must be determined not to let it rule our lives.

We will address mindset further in Chapter 9 Give Yourself Permission to Be Happy.

A few years back I coached another MS support group.

At the time I made the decision not to share my diagnosis.

Whether someone was in a wheelchair or experiencing minimal physical discomfort due to the disease everyone was a complete,

Complex individual in need of accepting that they were living a new reality and each had to find a new way of reacting to it.

We worked on how they could lead fulfilled lives and what they could do for themselves.

I asked them to list what they liked to do before their diagnosis and what filled their souls.

I moved on to ask them what they could no longer do.

Each member had the opportunity to share and we then brainstormed as a group ways in which each person could modify their previous activities so they could enjoy a version of it now.

By moving the topic of conversation from the illness to that of interests,

Passions and hobbies the playing field was leveled and the group started to see each other as people rather than simply as examples of how a disease can manifest.

We moved from a situation in which the less disabled were looking at their wheelchair-bound peers and saying,

I never want to be like you and the more disabled were looking at the less disabled and saying,

You're so lucky to one in which people could focus on the things they loved doing and how they could find a way to engage in them within the context of their current abilities.

By working together,

The group came to see that each was very resilient and this would stand them in good stead as they moved forward.

They also realized that they were more alike than different because all they really wanted was to live a fulfilled and productive life regardless of where they were on the disability scale.

By the end,

I was in awe of their bravery.

They had opened up to each other,

Taken risks and been able to alter their judgments.

Growing up,

I often felt quite angry with my parents.

After all,

They had created a situation in which I didn't always feel safe and had to do things that a child should not have to do.

I had no control over the fact that my father left us to fend for ourselves.

I'll never be happy to have come from a broken family.

Yet,

At the same time,

This was a learning experience with unparalleled opportunities to acquire skills of resilience,

Self-sufficiency,

And maturity.

I was thankful for those qualities when I was diagnosed with MS as I realized that my new reality would be to live with a condition as smoothly as possible for the rest of my life.

This resilience developed early in life,

Enabled me to persevere and find a way to still obtain what I wanted out of life despite a slight change in circumstances.

In addition,

I was able to let go of all my anger and really embrace my tenacity.

People can give themselves permission to see their own personal strengths every day as they learn to stop judging themselves and to provide that safe place within themselves.

Risk-taking.

Expand your thinking,

Diminish your problems,

Increase your love,

Decrease your fear.

Laugh more and you'll cry less.

Marianne Williamson.

My good friend Steve,

Who is the CFO of a Fortune 500 company,

Once said to me,

Priya,

Whenever I have done something worthwhile,

I have always been a little bit afraid before getting started on it.

I think that we all experience that fear when we're on the brink of something big.

It is scary contemplating change,

But that fear can turn into excitement when we trust ourselves enough to acknowledge the emotion and choose to embark on the new journey anyway.

I have often been scared of starting something new,

Even of writing this book,

But I have learned how to accept the feeling and dare to do it anyway.

I'm not suggesting that everything is always going to be easy and painless once you've embarked on the process of giving yourself permission to take risks.

Feeling fear in the face of the unknown is a normal and healthy reaction.

It is certainly nothing to be ashamed of.

Fear is instinctive,

And we don't need to let it hold us back.

We can respect it,

Understand its role in keeping us safe,

And proceed in the new ways of thinking and doing what will help us bypass unrealistic fear and live afresh.

The Risk Equation Sometimes taking a calculated risk and failing is a good thing,

As it increases our chances of real success the next time around.

If we take a risk and take action,

We just might succeed.

Risk plus action equals success,

Hopefully.

However,

If we experience failure,

Then we gain experience.

So the next time,

Risk plus action plus experience equals increased chances of success.

By using a reality check,

You can assess or calculate risks.

What would happen if you took the risk and failed?

Would you be in the same place as you were before taking the risk?

Or somewhere worse?

By asking yourself these questions,

You're changing a situation from one of complete uncertainty to one in which you may just want to take a calculated risk.

For instance,

If you need to make a sales call or ask someone for something and you're worried about it,

Ask yourself,

Where would you end up if you never talked to them?

Then ask yourself,

Where would you be if your efforts or requests were rejected?

Most of the time,

Chances are pretty good that you'll be in exactly the same place.

In this situation,

After asking and being denied,

You have gained some insight.

You can assess why they said no,

What might make them or others say yes next time,

And how you can improve your approach.

Sometimes,

An experience like this can teach you that it may be more productive to ask someone else.

However,

You now have some understanding of the situation,

Which equals experience.

Not getting exactly what you wanted and then learning from it has allowed you to be one step closer to success the next time.

It's important to implement the knowledge you gleaned from the experience.

Now,

If you want to learn to swim and you don't want to take lessons but want to just dive in at the deep end,

This may be the time to assess the risk in a different way.

What's the worst that could happen?

You could drown.

Is that worth the risk of learning to swim this way?

Failure here would not result in gaining experience because you'd be dead,

So there would be no way for you to implement the knowledge learned from the experience.

Given that the risk of jumping in at the deep end with no lessons or flotation device might not be a good idea,

What risk is worth taking to attain your goal?

What would be a less dangerous risk?

Maybe wading in at the shallow end whilst having a lesson with armbands might be smarter at first.

Realistically,

What is the worst that can happen?

You could flounder a little and your instructor might have to help you.

What's the best that can happen?

With a little practice and repetition,

You might just learn to swim like a fish.

This may seem like a very basic example,

But it illustrates the point of deciding whether a risk is worth taking because the payoff outweighs the unknown factors associated with the risk or whether the price is too high.

I would say that most of the time,

We only perceive risk,

And that perception often comes from deep-rooted fears that are not founded in reality.

So guess what?

Back to the reality check.

Bottom line,

Risks are often worth taking because we never know what's on the other side and what we just might be able to achieve.

Don't be afraid of success.

Sometimes,

People hold themselves back from being successful because they're subconsciously afraid of what might happen when things go well.

I know this sounds ridiculous,

And when I say it,

My clients balk,

As they do when I suggest that people don't give themselves permission to live their lives.

We in the psychology and coaching professions see this happen all the time and are sometimes guilty of sabotaging our own success as well.

For instance,

I had a client,

An artist,

Who was worried about being hugely successful because of the tax implications involved with becoming more profitable.

If that happened,

He would have to get an accountant and get involved in the system.

He held himself back from finding new outlets for his paintings because he didn't understand the tax structure and was afraid of what more money would bring in the way of paperwork.

To help him get over his fear,

I suggested he start gaining the knowledge he needed to overcome this seemingly overreaching impediment.

As it turned out,

He wasn't afraid of money,

But of bureaucracy.

He made himself more knowledgeable about the situation and grasped a better understanding of the tax system.

Ultimately,

He needed to do his taxes like everyone else,

And the worst thing that could happen was that he would have to pay more taxes because he was making more money,

Which he was going to have to do anyway if he really wanted to be successful.

As we've seen,

People can be afraid of what success might bring.

This can be irrational and even subconscious.

They might be afraid of being in the public eye,

And knowing that a manager will have to do public speaking,

They subconsciously sabotage their chances of promotion so that they don't have to do something that they are uncomfortable with.

A way around this could be to take public speaking classes so that they become more at ease in the situation.

The key is to deal with the tangible issues rather than worry about the unknown.

The underlying issue or subconscious problem can be almost anything.

It depends on the person in question.

The solution lies in identifying the fear and addressing it rather than resorting to sabotaging behaviors.

This can be done with a good therapist or close friend for some perspective.

Be brave.

Take risks.

Nothing can substitute experience.

In conclusion,

Most of us have things in our lives that we want and need to change.

In order to start making these changes,

To start on that journey towards a better life,

We need to decide what is not working and trust that we will make the right decisions for ourselves,

Given all the information we have.

We need to trust that we will be able to make the appropriate changes,

And we need to give ourselves permission to follow them through.

Nothing is more empowering than feeling brave and being able to confront the situations and emotions that have always been difficult.

There is no point in waiting for the people in our lives to change their attitudes or behaviors towards us,

Because they're on their own journeys,

And we have control over only our own lives and situations.

Checking the reality of what really happened in the past and getting some perspective on how you can move forward and let go of what happened can bolster your inherent bravery and resilience.

We tend to live our lives according to largely mythologized versions of reality,

And because of this,

Figuring out what is real,

Accurate,

Or true,

And what is merely our perception about things,

Can be far from straightforward,

But not impossible.

Keep at it.

Seek professional help if need be.

This kind of work is a lot less laborious and stressful than you might think.

For example,

The work does not need to be done face-to-face.

Reading books like this or attending workshops or finding online courses can be just as effective.

You just have to find the right fit for you.

Taking a risk will usually reap great rewards,

But of course,

There will always be times when risks don't work out as we might have hoped.

Even then,

We have gained a learning experience,

And we have been brave,

And we have practiced putting ourselves out there and reaching for what we want.

Who knows,

Taking a risk and bashing fear on its head may just allow you to be where you want to be and achieve what you want to achieve.

The Permission Journey,

Stage 4.

So here we are at your fourth stop,

In the Canary Islands,

In the North Atlantic Ocean.

You have traveled through the stage of giving yourself permission to be brave,

In which you explored how to trust yourself,

Understand the reality of past experience,

How to let go of things,

And what the benefits are to taking risks.

The journey itself is the process.

Everything you have become aware of,

Everything you have learned,

And everything you have started to implement in your everyday life.

Here is the same set of questions you've heard before,

But this time,

Hold your fears in the forefront of your mind as you answer them.

As before,

These questions allow you to gauge where you are and what you've learned.

As always,

It's good to take stock of how far you've come,

And your answers to these questions will act as a celebration of sorts.

Remember,

It's all about taking souvenirs with you and leaving behind items that just weigh down your suitcase.

1.

What did you learn for and about yourself in this chapter?

2.

What tools or realizations are you going to take with you on your journey?

3.

What traits,

Behaviors,

Thoughts,

Or memories are you going to leave behind?

Armed with your newfound sense of bravery,

You are now ready to embark on the next stage of your journey.