Mindfulness Meditation Intro For Parents - 12. Thoughts Talk

In this talk, I introduce mindfulness of thoughts through sharing my parenting experience, quotes from beloved teachers and authors, science and psychology, and give some guidance on how to practice. I have laid out why we want to see our thoughts, why they are useful and why sometimes, they aren't, how to practice with them in meditation and in daily life. Don't forget to listen to the meditation that goes with this talk!

Transcript

So in this last class I'm going to go back to look at our thought because our thoughts,

Emotions,

Sensation and action are connected.

So to understand why we react to some situations being able to be aware of the thought and eventually our beliefs we have about them will enable us to detach from them and pose more easily in time of stress.

So if you haven't done the meditation practice that is the track just before that one please pause now and go back to it so that you can listen to this talk while having an experience practice of what mindfulness of thoughts like.

When I sat down to write this talk I actually came back from a little walk.

My path had crossed that of a mum and a little boy in his pram.

I saw that the mum was gesturing excitedly toward a tree trying to grab the attention of the little boy sat in the pram.

She was probably looking at two squirrel racing one another and she was looking very happy and kept gesturing toward these trees in the forest and looking back at the little boy and trying to get him to look.

But all I could see was this little one-year-old boy bundled up in his coat under a cover who was just mesmerized by something right in the opposite direction from where his mum was pointing.

When I approached on my walk and followed his look I saw this tiny sparrow,

Nothing special the sparrow was in the leaves in front of him playing and probably just looking for food.

It was just a common little sparrow but this boy and this bird they were just in their own little world and when I turned back to look at him the mum had crashed down and she had become quiet.

There was no more gesturing no more talking they just sat next to each other watching the tiny little sparrow playing in the leaves.

She had changed her perspective and now they looked connected and I think this is the point of mindfulness of thought.

It's not about stopping our thinking or stopping our mind.

The point is again to pose because when we pose we're able to detach from our rigid perspective,

Appreciate others and reconnect with things that are unseen from the mind and in that moment you could feel tangibly the connection between the mum,

Her boy and this tiny little sparrow and it was both magical yet such a common moment.

So the reason why we do mindfulness of thought is because we want to quiet the mind to open the heart as Jack Kornfield says and I could also add from my personal experience that quieting the mind also helped to reconnect the body.

I think I've lived 30 years probably from the age of five years old to 35 being rarely able to connect to my body.

I've made refuge of my mind this control tower up there so I have a strong capacity to think but that thinking is half the time not really skilled.

I go into a whirlpool of thoughts and I can be lost there spinning for hours.

So that didn't make mindfulness of thought a quiet peaceful experience when I started.

There is this lovely little comic strip by Steinberg who does cartoon.

It's called types of white noise and there is four little drawing on that strip.

The sea with a drawing of a sea,

A fan,

The rain and then a man looking really really tired with the title the endless worry.

I can completely relate to that one.

When asked about what he thought about the Western world the monk Ajahn Badadasa who was living in a monastery in the middle of the forest commented just three words lost in thought.

I was wondering if he was listening to my thought when I was reading Jack Kornfield's book.

There has been a research published in Nature in 2020 and to my knowledge is the best research I have seen to actually measuring the number of thoughts and it extrapolated that the average adult can process more than 6,

000 thoughts per day.

It's not quite the 60,

000 or the more than a hundred thousand that I've heard quoted but it's still a lot of thoughts.

But this is the thing,

It is the job of the brain to think.

Like our lungs transfer the oxygen to our blood,

Our heart pumps our blood throughout the body,

Our brain will create thoughts and lots of them.

And thanks to that amazing capacity we were able as the human race to imagine,

To think through,

To solve problems and to make all the amazing things that we can enjoy nowadays.

Roads,

Bridges,

Cities,

Language and medicine,

Clothing,

Clothing and government and all that technology that we can see us and our kids using like it has always been there.

And the arts,

Paintings,

Sculptures,

Movies,

It was all made in someone's mind and either that person or someone else was able to bring it to reality.

So our mind is creative but it can also be destructive.

There is this ancient proverb that says the mind makes a wonderful servant but a terrible master.

So what it means is that we can become wiser,

Feel happier and make better decisions if we are able to distinguish within the waterfall of thoughts that happen every day what is useful and what isn't.

If you believe blindly what your mind is telling you a hundred percent of the time,

You just go crazy.

My teachers read this story that I'm going to share with you.

It's from Erica Trafton from California and it was written in 2010 in an article.

Am I gorgeous?

My child asks,

Drawing the words out like pulled taffy.

Yes,

I say you are.

The pink and teal dress is probably made of highly flammable material.

Some chemist approximation of tulle and satin.

Pudgy fingers decorated with pink polish trace the sequin on the bodice.

I love this.

A giant pair of bubblegum wings flap slowly.

Little feet dance in sparkly red slippers.

I'm just like a real princess.

Yes,

I say you are.

Thick blonde hair,

Blue eyes,

Rosy cheeks,

Flawless skin.

This child is the American epitome of beauty.

This child,

My son.

He's four years old and prefers to wear dresses.

Maybe it is a face,

Maybe not.

Even as I wonder how I produced such an angelic looking creature,

I wish he could put on some pants and go back to playing with toy tractors.

Not because it matters to me,

It doesn't,

But because I am already hearing in my head the name calling he will face in kindergarten.

Many adults already seem a bit disturbed by the dresses.

Strangers utter awkward apologies when they realize he's not female.

This culture wants little boys to dream only of baseball,

Trucks and trains.

This culture has no room for little boys who want to be gorgeous.

He picks up a parasol a neighbor gave him and opens it gently over his shoulder.

Am I beautiful?

He asks.

I sweep him into my arms and plant a kiss on his cheek.

Always.

Every time I read this piece,

I find it beautiful,

Authentic,

And really my eyes well up as well as my throat tighten.

It touches me deeply because this boy could be my son.

When he was little,

He liked all colors,

Sparkles,

Played with dolls,

And it wouldn't have taken much for him to dress up as a princess.

But by the age of five years,

I could see his thought conditioning appearing.

He would ask,

Is this for a boy mummy?

And be more hesitant when choosing rainbow colors.

He limited himself without me being able to do anything about it.

I say that.

And although I know our generation is much more open to diversity,

We still see those judgmental looks on people's faces.

If your children or yourself don't conform to what's considered acceptable or the norm.

Little by little from the time we are born,

We develop our conditioning,

Thoughts and prejudices.

We shrink and we diminish and we judge.

But it's not who we are.

We can teach ourselves and teach other to see our thoughts and not believe them.

So the first step in that practice is to notice the waterfall,

This waterfall of thoughts.

We pause,

We pay attention to the waterfall,

And we build a dam.

What's amazing about this process is that once we start noticing the process itself of the thought,

We're not as intertwined with them.

And we'll be able to take some distance.

The second step,

And it could be the first step actually,

If we think about it is we remember to be kind and non-judgmental.

We don't want to punish ourself for the thought we have,

Because that would really defy the purpose.

So what we want is to acknowledge our thoughts and say,

Thank you.

Once we have reminded ourselves to be kind,

We can start naming the thoughts.

What type of thoughts are you having?

If you did the meditation,

What were they?

Plans?

Memories?

Rehearsing a conversation you had or one that you are planning to have?

Judging?

Arguing?

Or rehearsing an argument you already had in a better way?

There can be so many kind of thoughts and often we have a pattern due to our preference.

We have trained our brain and it has learned its own reward pathway and it's going through it again and again and again.

So this is the third step.

You name your thoughts.

You can even count them if you want.

And once you start noticing how many thoughts you're having,

What type of thoughts,

Then you realize you have a pattern.

And in that you prepare yourself.

You'll be able,

The next time,

To see it coming up.

You just acknowledge it.

Oh yeah,

I know you.

An example that stays with me is one that Jack Confield recalls of Ajahn Chahat,

Who was out in the field with his students and he pointed at a large boulder in the distance and asked his student,

Is it heavy?

And they all answered yes.

His reply was,

Not if you don't pick it up.

That just shows you the power of the mind.

You see,

If I showed you a picture of a boulder and asked you if it was heavy,

Intuitively you pick it up in your mind.

But if I show you a picture of a feather,

You do the same.

You pick it up and just judge that it's light.

So the fourth step.

We learn to do the same things with thoughts.

We discern which one we pick up and which one we don't.

Sometimes the thoughts have been so ingrained because they've been learned and maybe you know whose voice it is.

Whether it was your parents,

Your teacher,

Your auntie,

Your grandparents or whatever,

They were learned and in some way they have become a belief.

They try to keep you safe but they are also keeping you from experiencing the pine trees,

The clouds,

The sky and the sea.

You have this enormous capacity to love everything.

And like all of us,

We deeply yearn to return to it.

The final step,

Step five,

Is we normalize our thoughts.

If you were able to put your here next to the person that is next to you in this room or a passerby in the street,

You'd be like,

Oh interesting and you listen a little bit more and then you start hearing their planning and then their judgment and then some more judgment and be like whoa and you'll stop pretty quick because you don't really want to hear all of those things.

And sometimes it's the same.

You don't want people to hear all of the crazy thoughts you're having.

But just remember,

It's all normal.

And also your thoughts need to be held lightly.

Some thoughts and beliefs we have,

We're very very attached to them and the idea to let them go is so hard.

Even if we want to,

We just cannot.

I was in the coffee shop the other day,

Sat next to a couple who were probably 15 years apart and we were discussing the way that we were parented.

And the man who was from a slightly older generation said this thing that stayed with me and that I've heard so many times from my parents and from my husband,

Which was,

I didn't turn out that bad.

And without judging,

I would really like to invite you to think about that thought if that's one that you have.

Because the real question is,

Is your intention to reproduce exactly what you had?

In that case,

Is that thought,

I didn't turn out that bad,

A thought that you want to pick up or say thank you,

But not today?

I have realized for myself that it is one that I'd like to thank and drop.

And sometimes you just have not to believe your thoughts full stop.

Sometimes they're really not helping you.

And you can check that.

If you were to tell them to your best friends,

What would they tell you?

So if you continue practicing mindfulness of thought,

You will see your progression will be fast.

It becomes easier and easier to notice the thoughts and to do all of what we just discussed.

Name them,

Be friendly to them,

Notice a pattern,

See them coming before they appear,

And then make the decision about picking them up or not.

You will realize that your thoughts are so insubstantial,

They are like clouds.

And if you shine the light of love and kindness all over it,

It dissolves.

There is this saying again that we can't really attribute to anyone.

I am an old man now.

I've had a lot of troubles and most of them never happened.

Thank you for listening.