Hello and welcome to the second shadow work talk I'll be doing,
Giving you a bit more detail on how it actively affects relationships.
Thank you for joining me and let's explore the fascinating world of the shadow and relationship patterns.
Let's dive deep into understanding why we often find ourselves dancing the same dance with different partners.
I'm sure you've had friends or even experienced yourself the same dynamic within relationships.
That could just be arguments or that could be disputes on certain things or preferences but it seems to give you a similar flavour that you've had with either friends or romantic partners.
Any type of intimate relationship you may see some patterns of commonality that potentially you now may question may be emanating from you.
This is definitely something I've had to go on this journey and deal with and understand that I'm causing certain elements even though it seems like an outward expression from someone else but there has to be a point where you have to look in the mirror and decide if I don't change nothing changes.
Okay let's go into an example of let's say Sarah,
A successful lawyer or attorney who keeps attracting emotionally unavailable partners.
On the surface these men seem different,
A workaholic entrepreneur,
A recently divorced dad,
An adventure-seeking photographer yet the emotional unavailability remains constant.
Sarah grew up with a father who was physically present but emotionally distant,
Always behind a newspaper or locked in his own home office.
Her adult relationships unconsciously recreate this familiar dynamic hoping that this time she'll finally earn the emotional attention she craves.
That's a small example where you can see how she's co-created just due to her upbringing a type of relationship triangle of add and effect.
Let me give you another example to maybe clear this up even more.
Then there's Michael who repeatedly finds himself in relationships where he feels controlled and suffocated.
His partners start independent but gradually become increasingly demanding of his time and attention.
What Michael hasn't recognised in this scenario is how his pattern connects with his childhood with an overprotective mother who used guilt to keep him close.
He's joined to partners who will help him replay this dynamic unconsciously hoping he would finally break free and establish a level of autonomy.
I know it can sound like we're wringing the same cloth in some sense where it's always kind of going back to your childhood and relationships that were developed there but at the same time where else would you go to do your own self-work?
This is the origins of how your psychological mind has built up and how relationships were formed and what you became comfortable with and what you became uncomfortable with.
So it may become a bit boring in this sense but at the same time there is depth for everyone to go back to previous experiences,
Previous nervous system dysregulations that you can now adapt and add a bit more comfort or confront or really allow your conscious mind to take hold of these past experiences and really allow them to not control your current life.
I'll provide one more example for you to hopefully gauge what this type of work can really do,
How it can benefit you.
Let's use Maria who describes herself as a quote-unquote fixer.
She's attracted to partners with untapped potential,
People who could be amazing if they got their act together.
What she's really doing is trying to heal her younger self who watched her mother struggle with addiction.
By trying to save others she's attempting to retroactively save her mother and by extension her childhood self.
So this is another reason why people when they start to go on this journey of self-development and a lot of growth it can start to provide or even create,
Depending on how you want to look at it,
A divide in a relationship,
A dynamic because as you grow you become a bit more aware of the type of partner you may be with at that time and how potentially they may not be benefiting you in a particular way or you understand why you've attracted them in.
But as long as both partners are willing to do the work and heal some of their past behaviors and their current habits and confront their current habits there is a lot of growth and development that can really strengthen that bond as you both grow together within that self-journey work.
It's a lot of self-exploratory work actually,
Kind of excavating your own mind to understand your own patterns.
These patterns persist because they're comfortable in their discomfort.
They're like well-worn paths in a forest,
Not necessarily the best routes but ones we know by heart.
Our psyche is drawn to the familiar even when it hurts because it's predictable and therefore feels safer than the unknown.
We are so adverse to the unknown but that's exactly where there's growth,
Pain,
Discomfort and a lot of light but you have to go through the darkness and muddle through to really find growth and really develop.
But in this case scenario these patterns aren't punishment,
They're invitations.
Each reoccurring relationship is a mirror reflecting parts of ourselves that need attention and healing.
The partner who can't commit might be showing us where we're not fully committed to ourselves.
The controlling partner might be highlighting where we've given away our power.
The emotionally unavailable partner might be revealing how we're emotionally unavailable to ourselves.
I'm going to give you what I call the pattern recognition exercise.
Here's how it works.
So first take out a piece of paper and draw three columns.
In the first column list your three significant relationships or close friendships that ended painfully.
In the second column write down the core pain or discomfort that you experienced.
In the third column,
And this is the crucial part,
Write down where else in your life you've felt this exact same feeling,
Particularly in childhood or with family members.
The patterns will likely jump out at you.
You might notice that you're not quite sure what you're feeling.
You might notice that you're not quite sure what you're feeling.
You might notice that the feeling of not being heard in your last relationship echoes how you felt when your siblings always spoke over you at family dinners,
Or that anxiety about being abandoned by your ex mirrors the uncertainty you felt when your parent worked long hours.
This exercise isn't about assigning blame,
It's about understanding.
When we see how these patterns formed,
We can begin to consciously choose different paths.
We can learn to feel the pull of a familiar pattern and still choose differently.
Remember your partners are not your fate,
They're simply well-practiced habits of the heart.
With awareness,
Compassion and conscious choice,
You can begin to create new patterns that better serve your growth and happiness.
Take time with this exercise.
Your shadow holds wisdom and these patterns,
Though painful at times,
Are breadcrumbs leading you back to yourself.
The very relationship patterns that have caused you pain can become your greatest teachers on the path to wholeness.
On my next talk on the shadow,
We'll discuss how to use this awareness to make different choices in relationships.
Until then,
Be gentle with yourself and explore these patterns.
You're not alone in this journey.
Please feel free to leave a comment and I'll get back to you promptly.
Until then,
As I said,
Be gentle with yourself and let's integrate our shadow together.
