Hello and welcome.
Take a moment just to arrive and then when you're ready I invite you to sit straight,
Making sure to keep your spine engaged.
Plod your feet flat on the floor.
Feel the weight of them,
The solidity.
And then actively press your feet down slightly,
Like you're claiming the ground beneath you.
Feel what that does to your spine.
It tends to lift it slightly.
Just allow that to happen.
Next push your shoulders just ever so slightly back and allow them to broaden.
Not a big dramatic movement.
Just let yourself take up space.
I invite you to just get familiar with this posture of being someone who's allowed to take up space.
Stay with that.
Become familiar with it.
Now find your breath.
Breathe deep into your belly,
Low and slow.
Allow the exhale to be longer than the inhale.
Breathing right down deep into the belly.
Next see if you can locate your center of gravity somewhere behind your navel,
Deep in the core of you.
This is where a boundary lives.
Not in your head,
But here.
Take one more long slow deep breath and then on the exhale feel yourself drop into that center.
Solid,
Present,
Unhurried.
This is the body you'll speak from.
Remember what this feels like.
We're gonna come back to it.
Before we go slightly further,
Just a quick note on why this can feel hard.
Most of us avoid boundaries because they feel unkind.
Like we're creating conflict or hurting someone or like we're being difficult.
So we have a tendency to collapse instead.
We say yes when we really mean no and we resolve something that perhaps isn't ours to carry and then we call it kindness.
But really it's more like conflict avoidance and the thing is that the conflict doesn't actually disappear.
It just kind of quietly goes inside and tends to become resentment and exhaustion and causes this slow leak of self-respect.
So holding a boundary can feel in the moment like the harsh option.
But often it's actually the more caring and compassionate choice,
Both for you and for the other party.
So with that said,
I invite you now to bring to mind a situation where you need to set a boundary or perhaps one where you fail to.
You want to pick something real and mistakes,
Not necessarily the hardest situation in your life,
But something that means something to you.
See if you can get specific.
See the person,
If there is one,
Or the place or the moment where it matters,
Where a boundary should have been set or where a boundary in your life needs to be set.
Where are you leaking energy?
What's causing you resentment right now?
When an appropriate situation has come to mind,
Notice what happens in your body as you hold this situation in mind.
Does it tighten?
Does it shrink?
Is there anywhere in your body in particular you feel sensation in response to this?
And then think,
What would the appropriate boundary to set be here?
It can be one sentence,
Plain language,
Doesn't need padding,
It could be as simple as,
I can't do that,
I'm unwilling to do that,
I need you to stop doing this,
A simple no,
Or just,
This doesn't work for me,
That doesn't work for me,
Or I know you mean well,
But actually I need you to behave differently in this situation.
Whatever the boundary is for you that is appropriate to your situation,
See if you can get the words clear.
You're gonna say them internally several times,
So be clear on what boundary you'd like to set.
Doesn't have to be perfect,
You don't have to execute on this,
But we're just going to practice what it's like to set healthy boundaries.
Alright,
First round,
Checking with your body,
Feet grounded,
Spine tall,
Shoulders broad,
Breath low.
Now in your mind,
Say the boundary,
Say it to the person or to yourself if it's an internal boundary,
In the situation,
And notice what happens.
Does guilt show up?
Perhaps fear?
A voice saying that you're being selfish or difficult or too much?
It's okay if any of those things happen,
Don't push that away,
That's the thing we're working with.
Stay with it,
Keep breathing,
Feel your feet on the floor,
Feel your center.
You don't have to feel confident,
You just have to stay.
So that's round one and we're just going to do it again.
I'm going to reset slightly,
Feet down,
Spine straight,
Shoulders wide,
And our breathing is slow.
This time,
Say the boundary again,
But if there's any sense of being apologetic or not sure,
Something softening it,
I'm sorry but could this or I just feel like maybe,
Take away the softness,
Say what you mean.
So that boundary that would be good to set in your life,
Say it now,
Without apology.
Notice if there was any resistance,
Could be louder this time,
The fear of being disliked,
The old story that your needs are too much.
Stay with it,
Keep breathing,
Keep your body in the shape of someone who's allowed to say this and just rehearse in your mind,
Just laying down that healthy boundary.
Feel the ground,
Feel your center.
If there's any discomfort,
It's not a sign you're doing it wrong,
It's a sign you're doing it right.
So we're going to go again for a third round,
Same setup,
Feet grounded,
Spine tall,
Breath deep in the belly.
This time,
Just even your mind,
When you state the boundary,
You want to state it like you really mean it,
Not aggressive but crystal clear,
The way you'd say your own name,
Just a fact,
Not a request.
So again,
In your mind's eye,
Practice setting the healthy boundary in your life,
In whatever the situation is that most pertains to you.
And now,
Imagine they push back,
The sigh,
The guilt trip,
The look and just stay there.
Don't explain yourself,
Don't soften,
Don't feel a need to feel the silence,
Just breathe.
Feel what this costs you and feel what it gives you.
See if you can get a felt sense of what not abandoning yourself and your needs feels like.
It can be uncomfortable sometimes.
Allow the scene now to dissolve,
Come back to the room,
To your breath,
Your body in the chair.
Notice what,
If anything,
Is different now.
Perhaps nothing dramatic,
Perhaps a sense of feeling unsure,
Perhaps a little more space.
So we just practiced or rehearsed holding a boundary while feeling everything that might usually cause you to drop it.
And that's training,
It's the muscle,
Like any muscle it gets stronger with use.
But before you go,
My question to you is,
Will you actually lay down this boundary,
Not in your imagination but out loud to the person?
You don't have to have the answer right now but let that question stay with you.
Take a final long slow deep breath in and remember that boundaries aren't cruelty,
They're not being harsh or unkind,
They're just you acting like someone who matters and whose needs matter.
Because you do matter and your needs do matter.
