So I just wanted to talk about that day in the forest when I went out to scream.
I went out to connect my anger and I was walking.
It was four in the morning and I was walking.
The sun wasn't even up.
It was a path and I started to try to find the place where no one would hear me right so I could scream like so I could let it out and I opened up my mouth to scream and nothing came out.
It was just sobs and I fell down to my knees and I just sobbed.
My hands were on the pavement and I realized then how much sadness I'd been carrying for all the grief from losing friends,
Family members,
Losing my child,
Right?
My parents.
All the sadness came out at once.
I remember I was so shaken and eventually the tears stopped at that moment and I just decided to keep walking.
Just keep on the path.
Just keep walking.
Maybe the screaming would work after I let that out but I was so still and so quiet inside of me.
So still and so quiet.
I don't know how long I was out for but I walked all of the path and I walked back and there was a moment where I realized what had happened.
I realized that I was letting go of all of the sadness not for my parents as much as for through my life through the different deaths I'd had you know which I hadn't grieved obviously because I was crying then and I got home and then life went on as it does but isn't it quite amazing and I went in I mean I took the time to make the time to go to the forest to pack it up to go there to be ready and I didn't even think about crying and the minute I opened my mouth everything started to flow.
It was almost like I created a ritual for myself.
I went out and whatever needed to happen was going to happen regardless right and I opened my mouth and what happened is I just started to release like a waterfall.
I gave myself permission to do what needed to be done and instead of stopping it I leaned into it.
I allowed my tears to go right into the ground.
I felt how I couldn't stand up.
I felt my heaving of my lungs,
My stomach muscles and I just I tasted salt and the snot and everything that was coming down.
I didn't even have tissues because I didn't think I was going to cry.
I thought I was going to yell but I just leaned into it and when I leaned into and I breathed into it all of a sudden I got up and I walked.
I just walked right left right left wasn't thinking about anything in particular just walking allowing my eyes to not necessarily focus but not be unfocused.
The sun came up and I was still there.
It's amazing.
I just I was still present.
It was still me.
The sun still rose.
I still had kids to take care of but I had released the top of the bottle right there the shaking can.
I opened the can.
I just let it out.
I think that was a really pivotal moment for me.
I think it was a big moment.
