Hello and welcome to this talk on liking,
Loving and approving yourself.
My name is Kieran and I'm an artist,
Writer and creative coach and today I wanted to talk about how we often leave others to like,
Love and approve of us when this is something we can offer to ourselves.
A question we rarely consider is why do we outsource approval of ourselves to others?
Why does gaining like,
Love or approval always only feel valid if it's coming from outside of ourselves?
Underneath it there's a deeper held belief that our opinions are not as important or as valid as that of another and yet there is no one else's opinion that can matter more than the person you live out every minute of every day with,
Yourself.
If we had to create a character that we were told would live with us in all our waking and sleeping hours,
They would accompany us through all the days that we are alive and would come with us everywhere,
We would pay such attention to detail of what this person would be like.
We would create them in our ideal way.
The person whom we would love to spend that much time with whose opinion really mattered to you and you'd be so careful about the way they spoke to you,
Words they uttered and that they above all treated you really well.
You would make sure to put all of these details into this character that was going to live alongside you for the rest of your life but we don't consider that about ourselves at all.
We don't consider that we live with ourselves forever,
That we are always with us and we never take the time to review what we think of ourselves,
How we talk and treat ourselves and what company we are for ourselves.
Instead we act as though we have no choice in the matter,
That we are just as we are and we can do nothing about it.
We describe ourselves as lazy or stupid,
We think nothing of the negative ways we talk to ourselves and that these judgmental critiques take place in secret within ourselves so that no one else can point out to us how mean we are to ourselves.
So it's no wonder that we outsource our own need for like,
Love and approval to others.
It is because we are not giving that to ourselves and to gain it from others we have to do all manner of things.
We have to people police,
We operate without boundaries,
We don't know how to say no and all of this so that we can get the currency of like,
Love and approval from someone outside.
If we think of what it would mean if you gave that to yourself first and foremost it would mean that you have all that you need within yourself and then when you interact with others you have no alternative agenda of needing something from them in this manner.
Instead you can be with them and have your boundaries and are able to decide whether you want to do something or not because your need to be liked is not where you are navigating your actions from.
This is a revolutionary act and one that we are all able to do.
We have misunderstood where we can fill our needs for like,
Love and approval.
We have always been led to believe it must come from those around us but we are much closer to ourselves than anyone else is and we can offer that to ourselves anytime we need it.
In fact we can set it as our foundational ground from which we move.
We know that we are always on our side and think the best of ourselves and we can then be in the world without feeling like we are somehow lacking and are in need of something that we can freely and abundantly offer to ourselves.
Why does this matter?
It matters on two levels.
One that we understand that we are the ones we can turn to firstly for any like,
Love or approval we need and secondly in turn we can see others as they are and not for what we want or need from them.
Our relationships can stop being so transactional and be more authentic and loving.
Anything that we seek outside of ourselves is a signal to our internal system that we don't have what we need within us when the truth is we do and most importantly we want to view ourselves from a place where we live in the like,
Love and approval we hold for ourselves and then venture out into the world.
It changes our perspectives on many things and it alters the way we interact with others.
We know we are taken care of internally and we don't feel the need to people please or change ourselves to suit another in the hope that we will gain their love.
I'd like to leave you with some prompts to contemplate and answer for yourself.
Take your time and either speak them out loud to yourself or write out your findings.
Do you like,
Love and approve of yourself?
If not where are the barriers you put up?
What is stopping you from giving this to yourselves?
Do you feel that love and approval must be earned from others?
Can you make a list of all the ways you do like,
Love and approve of yourself?
If your list is short can you commit to adding a little more to it each day?
If you would like to further explore this topic then I have a course available called the importance of self-love and it's a great way to dive a little deeper.
