You don't need to forgive.
Healing is a deeply personal journey,
And often we hear that forgiveness is essential for healing.
While forgiveness can be transformative for some,
It's not the only path to the peace.
What is important is to acknowledge,
Accept and grieve your experience,
What is done to you,
What is done to your family,
To your community.
You have the right to feel anger,
Pain and betrayal.
These emotions are valid and deserve to be processed in their own time,
In your own pace.
But you don't need to forgive.
You don't need to forgive.
In many spiritual communities,
There can be pressure to forgive quickly,
As if forgiveness is a sign of spiritual advancement.
It is as if you are considered involved and spiritual enough,
Only if you forgive,
And as this is the only way you can belong to a spiritual community,
Or have a right to call yourself a spiritual being,
Only if you forgive.
And no,
That is not right.
That is not true.
Many times pressure and expectation to forgive lead to spiritual bypassing as a way of avoiding or dismissing unresolved emotional issues.
And by all means,
We all know how spiritual bypassing is more and more present in our communities.
Bypassing can make it seem like the responsibility for healing lies only with the person who was hurt,
Rather than addressing the behavior of those who caused harm and holding people accountable and responsible.
So let's take a moment to consider this.
Healing does not mean excusing harmful behavior.
It does not mean pretending everything is okay.
It does not mean,
If I forgive,
I'm a more spiritual,
More involved person than you are.
It's actually not that.
It's actually quite condescending and harmful.
True healing involves setting boundaries,
Seeking justice,
Whatever that means for you,
Without,
Of course,
Harming others,
And creating a safe space for yourself.
And when we choose not to forgive,
It does not mean you're holding onto bitterness forever or turning into a perpetrator.
No.
No.
Instead it means you're choosing to heal in a way that feels authentic to you.
You can choose to forgive a person while not forgiving their behavior.
That's your choice.
Let me repeat that.
You can forgive the person,
But you don't need to forgive their behavior.
You can choose to forgive someone who shows remorse.
Yes.
But you don't need to forgive harmful actions ever done to you,
Done to your family.
And you can make peace with that.
And you can also choose not to forgive at all.
Remember,
That your path to healing is unique.
You do not owe anyone forgiveness if it doesn't feel right for you.
Let me repeat that.
You do not owe anyone forgiveness if it doesn't feel right for you.
And be mindful and be mindful by surrounding yourself with supportive people who respect your journey and allow you to heal at your own pace.
So how do we heal that,
Right?
How do we move?
You heal when your body,
Your mind,
Your heart,
And your nervous system attune in relational resonance to someone who is safe.
We need a holding space of safety.
And this can be one person.
It can be a trusted group.
That's why many of us,
In a healing journey,
We are turning into our spiritual communities.
And yet,
Many spiritual communities betrayed our healing journey.
So when you feel safe with someone or in that trusted group,
That is when your heart will eventually open up and your nervous system will feel relaxed.
Your heart will open up and your nervous system will feel safe again.
During trauma,
Your resonance field was littered with invasions,
With harm,
With injustice,
With neglect,
And you couldn't even begin healing process.
So you heal in the frequency of safety of the environment you're in.
And if you're in spiritual community,
Wanting to heal,
Wanting to feel better,
And you're surrounded by others who place expectations on you to forgive,
Even with the best intention,
And if you're not ready or if you choose not to forgive,
That relational field is not safe and healing is not happening.
So your heart,
Your soul,
Your system continue to be violated in a very confusing way.
It's how come this group or this person is supposed here to help me and I feel safe in one hand,
And yet I don't feel safe either.
And this becomes a vicious cycle of failed effort and despair.
If you feel forced and shamed into forgiving your perpetrator,
Your abuser,
And it feels like you're betraying yourself,
You're betraying your inner child,
You're betraying that moment of assault,
What was done to you at age of five or 25,
35.
If you feel like you're abandoning your dignity and sense of justice,
If you feel forced to forgive,
I'm truly sorry.
I'm truly sorry.
I'm truly sorry.
If someone shamed you with spiritual practices,
Shaking their feathers and crystals while making you feel like you are failing at forgiveness,
While you're in the process of recovery,
I'm sorry.
Forgive them.
Forgive them.
But you don't need to forgive what was done to you.
And many times people tell you to forgive so they can feel better,
So they can avoid their discomfort,
Their discomfort and helplessness.
And seeing you grieve or seeing your anger,
This can be a reason why people are forcing you into forgiveness.
Subconsciously,
It is for their convenience,
Not yours.
It is for them so they don't feel their discomfort.
Or powerlessness.
So,
Is that truly forgiveness?
And for whom?
Also,
Is this another white privilege thing we are facing?
Forgive so I feel better?
Forgive because this is spiritual thing to do?
Forgive so you don't become potential threat who will cause disruption to my peace,
To my spiritual community and cause discomfort?
I can write a book only around that topic.
So,
Forgiveness has become more and more of a tool for privileged ones,
For entitled ones,
For one percenters who still continue to ignore their responsibility and accountability.
And it became one subtle tool to overlook injustice done to minorities and the privileged ones.
Victims of assault,
Abuse of power,
Genocide and human trafficking,
Child soldiers,
Victims of spiritual abuse,
Mental abuse,
Financial abuse,
Modern slaves.
This is almost 90% of our population nowadays.
Yeah.
Just look around.
Just look around.
This is where we live.
And those people are sitting in my office and I know there is no forgiveness.
Ever.
Why should they forgive?
And who am I to say forgive.
You will feel better.
Or you.
Or any.
Any guru,
Any teacher,
Even with the best intent.
So,
No.
You don't need to forgive.
I can only say do not allow anguish to harm your body.
And I will have another track on anguish.
But you don't need to forgive.
And again,
If you see remorse and efforts to repair relationships,
If you see someone becoming accountable,
Give them grace and forgive.
You can forgive a person if you know their good essence and if you see the effort.
But you don't need to forgive their behavior if you choose to.
If someone doesn't have capacities to see their own wrongdoing,
They did the best they can,
The best how they were raised.
Very common with our parents,
Right?
And their essence is good.
Forgive.
Forgive.
But if you see ignorance,
Entitlement,
Contempt,
You don't need to forgive.
And don't let anyone shame you for not forgiving.
Don't let anyone shame you for not forgiving.
And don't be afraid that you will become an angry person or turn into your own perpetrator or sit in your anguish until the rest of your life if you don't forgive or that you will become sick if you don't forgive.
No.
Your unforgiveness can be the best catalyst to heal self and others if you choose to.
By honoring self and protecting self and standing up for what was done to you and what was taken from you.
You can heal.
You can heal by advocating for your truth,
For your story,
For justice,
For peace,
For humanity,
For equality in your own way,
Whatever that means for you,
On any micro-micro or macro level.
You choose if you want to.
It will not be a source of rage,
Anguish,
Stagnation,
Bitterness.
It can be your best fuel to heal,
Your best catalyst.
It can be your best fuel to heal,
To transform your wound.
I did record a track Your Wound Is Your Medicine which you can listen to.
And now,
Just place your hands on your heart.
Just place your hands on your heart as you close today with short somatic practice.
Take your time to transition and gently place your hands on your heart.
And take a deep breath.
I know this is not easy.
And just feel the rise and fall of your chest and your heart space.
Your heart.
Just let that heart move all the way back to your spine.
Your heart has a power and wisdom to heal within you.
And this power does not depend on forgiving those who have hurt you.
It depends on acknowledging your truth and honoring your journey.
Remember that your path to healing is unique.
You do not owe anyone forgiveness if it doesn't feel right for you.
And take one last deep breath and exhale slowly.
And when you're ready,
Gently allow your eyes to land on your hands in front of your heart.
See the palms of your hands in front of your heart.
Let your heart see your hands.
Your hands who carry your life.
Your journey.
Your dignity.
Your hands are carrying with you the understanding that your healing journey is yours to define.
No one else's.
Your hands are your gifts.
You get to choose your hands,
Your heart,
Your life,
Your forgiveness if you choose to.
Thank you for sharing this space with me today.
Until next time,
I'm Ana Mael wishing you much self-compassion and peace on your journey of healing.
And as always,
Remember to be gentle with yourself.
Be gentle with yourself.
Much care.
