Making Space For Grief (Talk & Meditation)

This talk begins with an exploration of grief as an expression of deep love, and stories of grief and loss from the pandemic. It continues with guidance on how to hold your grief tenderly, how grief intimately relates to letting go and forgiveness, and how to approach grief practice while staying safe and regulated. While the talk was originally given at Mudita Mindfulness Community at the height of the global COVID-19 pandemic in early 2020, the lessons in it are applicable to everyday life.

Transcript

As you might remember,

A few weeks ago we explored the topic of letting go.

And one thing we shared that evening was that letting go is closely related to grief.

And at the end of that community meeting,

A few of you were actually noticing that you were not ready to let go of some things.

And we had talked about this relationship then,

That sometimes there needs to be a process of grief before we are able to let go.

What I intend to do in the next,

Let's say,

10 minutes or so,

Is I want to talk a little bit about grief,

Like what that is and what it could be looking like right now,

And why this meditation is so helpful,

And then how to do this meditation.

And now we're going to do the meditation.

So defining grief,

I would actually like to start this by reading a poem from this book.

It's one of my all-time favorite books.

It's by Mary Oliver.

The poem is called University Hospital Boston.

So you might close your eyes for a moment as you listen to me.

The trees on the hospital lawn are lush and thriving.

They too are getting the best of care,

Like you and the anonymous many,

In the clean rooms high above the city,

Where day and night the doctors keep arriving,

Where intricate machines chart,

With cool devotion,

The murmur of the blood,

The slow patching up of bone,

The despair of the mind.

When I come to visit and we walk out into the light of a summer day,

We sit under the trees.

Buggies,

A sycamore,

And one black walnut,

Brooding high over a hedge of lilacs,

As old as the red brick building behind them,

The original hospital built before the Civil War.

We sit on the lawn together,

Holding hands while you tell me you are better.

How many young men,

I wonder,

Came here,

Wheeled on cots of the slow trains from the red and hideous battlefields,

To lie all summer in the small and stuffy chambers while doctors did what they could,

Longing for tools still unimagined,

Medicines still unfound,

Wisdoms still unguessed at,

And how many died staring at the leaves of the trees,

Blind to the terrible effort around them to keep them alive.

I look into your eyes,

Which are sometimes green and sometimes grey,

And sometimes full of humor,

But often not,

And tell myself,

You are better,

Because my life without you would be a place of parched and broken trees.

Later walking the corridors down to the street,

I turn and step inside an empty room.

Yesterday someone was here with a gasping face.

Now the bed is made all new,

The machines have been rolled away.

The silence continues,

Deep and neutral,

As I stand there,

Loving you.

I stumbled upon this poem more than a week ago now as I was meditating on this talk on grief and I love the grief that is so beautifully expressed here.

More so than that,

The reason I wanted to read this poem is because grief is our heart's natural response to losing something we love,

And I love that Mary Oliver is finishing this moment,

This poem,

With that,

With love.

So there is this very clear connection between the sadness she's feeling for the possibility of losing this person she loves,

And the rawness of that is really connected to the love.

So sometimes we judge or misinterpret our grief for something else,

But on its very fundamental level,

Grief is actually just love,

And it's this losing of something we love or maybe even the possibility of losing something we love.

I've known in myself in the past where relationships were ending,

For example,

Romantic relationships,

And sometimes the grief would start before it's actually over.

The grieving would start a little bit before the loss actually happens.

And in the Buddhist tradition,

There is a phrase that I've come to really love as well,

A thousand joys and a thousand sorrows,

Teachers refer to this when they are just trying to picture or just trying to illustrate how life is full of a thousand joys and a thousand sorrows,

And I think this was really apparent in our sharing tonight,

When we were all sharing how we have been doing,

There has been a thousand joys and a thousand sorrows in the collective of what we all shared.

And I wanted to share with you a few things that I came across as I was reading an article that I think I shared with you as well from a blog called Cup of Joe.

So this was an article about the difficulty of relationships during the pandemic and the vividness of what everyone shared below the article really got to me,

I think.

So I want to share with you a few of them.

So this person,

For example,

Is talking about how they miss sometimes just having the apartment to themselves for no other reason than not to share the air.

This thing has made me crankier than I'd like to admit,

Since sometimes it feels like I'm alone in that negative space while everyone is embracing this whole positive outlook.

So this person is,

The loss here is that sense of clean air or personal space.

And another one where as a single girl,

Isolated in my apartment,

I must say I've never felt more unbelievably alone in my life.

Yes,

I have time to do yoga,

Read books,

Watch shows,

Have virtual dance parties with friends,

But at the end of the day,

The silence in my home weighs so heavy on me.

Another one,

For those of us who are childless but wish we weren't,

This is exceptionally difficult as we are also trying to survive but without the distractions of our routine.

It's particularly hard hearing friends with children complaining and wishing that they could have the ease of my lockdown experience.

So there is a sense of loss here that was already there before the pandemic started that seems to have gotten a little heightened during the pandemic.

And this one,

Josephine,

Who says our daughter is a young adult with autism and her world has turned upside down.

Routine was the glue that held her days together and that literally vanished in a day.

Her beloved aides are not coming and rightly so,

But it's the three of us 24-7 and it's hard,

So a sense of losing support.

Maybe a few more.

I'm really feeling overwhelmed by the constant communication from family and friends and requests Zoom,

House Party,

Netflix Party,

Text throughout the entire day.

I'm an introvert although no one believes me,

So I've simply started opting out to requests.

I need to prioritize my own self-care during this time.

So this sense of actually feeling overwhelmed and maybe losing time that you had to yourself before.

This one was about someone who was going through a really rough patch with their husband before this all began.

I feel trapped in my house as does he with no reprieve and with all the stress of tragic news,

It adds to the stress that's already on our relationship.

And maybe the last one.

As an already freaked out late 30-something who still wants a family,

I cry almost daily that once this is over,

Whatever that means,

I'll be close to 38 and more alone than I've ever been.

So I was really struck by this,

It was just a blog article but there were hundreds of comments underneath it because it was probably a chance for people to express this grief of different things,

Many different things that they might be losing right now.

And the ones who are here tonight of our community,

We've also touched many different things ourselves.

So now that we've said grief is just our heart's natural response to losing something that we love,

I want to share with you four reasons why it's really good to do this grief practice.

It's really good to turn toward that grief and to hold it tenderly rather than,

You know,

Suppress it or not look at it.

The first one,

I've already said this but it's good to notice our grief and to hold it tenderly because grief is an expression of love and it helps us notice what we love.

Jamie Anderson says,

Grief,

I've learned,

Is really just love.

It's all the love you want to give but cannot.

All of that unspent love gathers in the corners of your eyes,

The lump in your throat and the hollow part of your chest.

Grief is just love with no place to go.

The second reason we might want to turn toward our grief is because it helps us in letting go.

Jack Kornfield says,

Sometimes the best way to let go is to grieve.

By our willingness to mourn,

We slowly acknowledge,

Integrate and accept the truth of our losses.

And if you think back to two weeks ago when we had that community meeting on letting go and there were these little inklings of things that you were not feeling you were ready to let go of,

You might,

As you listen to me talk right now,

You might gently explore on the back of your mind if there was some grief there,

If you could sense that there was a sense of sadness.

And Jack Kornfield shares this quote by Galib that I really love,

It's beautiful.

He says,

When after heavy rain the storm clouds disperse,

Is it not that they've wept themselves clear to the end?

And I think this is what Karen was talking about earlier too when she was talking about that release that comes with just crying sometimes.

And so you might have had that experience when you were really sad and you just really cried and you've let it go and there was an end to that or there was a sense of release after that.

So grieving or actively grieving can help us with that release.

The third reason is because grief can help us learn from our experiences.

I think just like it helps us understand what we love,

It also helps us take lessons or learn.

There's a lot of intelligence and grieving.

Jack Kornfield again says,

Without a wise way to grieve,

We can only soldier on,

Armored and unfeeling,

But our hearts cannot learn and grow from the sorrows of the past.

I want to say here that our bodies are very intelligent and some things we might be grieving about might be hidden from us for the time being.

And there's intelligence in that.

That might be just because your system is protecting you from something that's outside of your window of tolerance.

So we're not necessarily looking like we're not digging to get to that really deep grief that's going to be overwhelming.

But whatever grief is already there,

That's already arising,

We can take it as a moment of learning from it.

We can ask,

What is the information here?

What is the message that I want to take away from this grief?

And the fourth point is forgiveness because grief is actually connected a lot with forgiveness practice.

It's intimately connected.

I noticed this in myself sometimes when I feel like I'm turned against myself,

I'm really angry at myself for something.

And then I say to myself,

Okay,

I forgive myself for this,

Or I have the intention to forgive myself for this.

I feel some sadness along with it.

And so whether it is that we are intending to forgive ourselves or forgive other people,

Those are always,

Those moments are always a little tender.

And it's good to notice that grief and forgiveness,

They come together sometimes grief before forgiveness and sometimes forgiveness before grief.

There's this story that I have shared before.

It comes from Jack Kornfield's book.

And by the way,

All the quotes of Jack Kornfield I shared so far are coming tonight,

Are coming from this book too.

But in this book,

There is a beautiful story or an image where he asks for you to imagine that you're walking on the street with your hands full of groceries and someone bumps into you and you spill everything and you fall down and you get up from the ground with this sense of anger and you yell at the other person saying,

Are you okay?

Like why are you,

You know,

Are you blind?

Like what's going on?

Some kind of,

You know,

Judging or blaming response.

And then you might actually notice that they are blind or you might notice that there is something going on on their side that made them mistakenly bump into you.

And forgiveness,

As we have said before,

Is just a moment of noticing the suffering in the other person.

And so whenever we notice suffering,

Our heart's natural response is to feel sadness for the person who is suffering.

So forgiveness and grief are very closely connected.

So what did I say so far?

Grief is an expression of love.

It helps us in letting go.

It helps us in learning from past experiences and it can help us with forgiveness.

And I want to share five points of guidance on how to do this meditation and then we will move on to the meditation.

The first thing,

And I cannot emphasize this enough,

Especially right now,

Because we are in the middle of this pandemic and I think for some of us,

This might be a very overwhelming,

Even traumatic experience right now.

So the invitation tonight,

As we hold our grief tenderly,

Or you might not feel any grief,

Which is also okay,

Right?

You're not forcing yourself to feel grief and sadness tonight.

So if you begin the meditation and there is no grief,

That's fine.

That's totally fine.

If you do find any grief in you,

I will urge you to notice if that thing that you found is inside or outside your window of tolerance.

And if it is outside,

Please allow yourself to turn away from that because especially right now,

You don't want to be overwhelming yourself.

So you can just pick something that feels more manageable,

More small and build up from there.

Because as you remember,

The window of tolerance is not stable.

It expands over time.

So we just want to give it a bit of time for it to do that.

The second point of guidance is having courage or courageous attitude because looking at what we have lost,

Whether it's small or big,

Requires some level of willingness and courage to be with that thing,

To be with that loss.

And the third point of guidance is trusting that our hearts,

Our minds,

Our bodies and our presence,

Our group presence can hold what is coming up.

And the fourth point of guidance is to be very tender with it.

And for that,

I actually wanted to do something with you.

I'm wondering if you can just in your environment,

Find something in the current.

It might not be your apartment,

But wherever you are,

Just take a minute,

Go get something and bring it back if you can.

If it's big and you cannot bring it back,

That's okay.

But find a treasured object.

It can be your cat.

It can be a flower that you're caring for.

It can be a stone,

But something dear to your heart.

Okay,

I'll give us a minute.

I'll go ahead and do the same as well.

So just take a minute to find something that is really treasured to you.

Okay.

Now if you want,

You can show what your treasured object is and then eventually just either put it in your hand or just stare at it with soft eyes for just a minute here.

And if you don't have it with you,

You can also just meditate on the image of it.

And if it helps you,

You can close your eyes.

You can bring a kind attention to how it feels to touch this treasured object,

This thing that you really care about.

And you might reflect for a moment here on the importance of this thing for you or the significance,

The meaning.

You might notice in your heart this beautiful inclination to hold it with tenderness,

With care,

With love.

So,

Later on when we are meditating,

If you do come across any grief,

Any sadness,

The invitation will be to hold it just like that.

Just like you're holding something you really deeply care about,

You treasure.

The invitation will be to hold your grief or the part of you that's grieving with this kind of tenderness,

Care and love.

Tara Brack,

I was listening to her the other day and she was talking about washing the grief with love.

So,

Just letting waves or oceans of love come and wash over the sadness.

The last point of guidance is to notice the body.

I just want to remind you to notice your eyes,

Your facial expressions,

Especially your throat,

Your chest,

Your belly.

There could be a lot of sensation in those parts of the body.

There can be sensations all over the body.

And also to notice your postures as this,

If this sadness comes up,

What is the posture of your body?

So,

To summarize,

Please pay a lot of attention to your window of tolerance.

Tap into courage.

Tap into trust.

And tap into this tenderness that we want to have when we are holding the sadness as well as noticing the body.

So,

Let's do our meditation.

It will take I think about 10 or 15 minutes.

I want to give you a moment to stretch or tend to your needs if you need to before we start the meditation.

And you might sense which posture will most support you right now.

You might decide to sit,

To stand,

To walk.

When you are ready,

You can close your eyes or lower your gaze.

And begin by noticing any sounds you may be hearing in this moment.

If there is no sound,

Noticing that.

Seeing the smells of this moment,

The tastes if there is any.

Maybe visualizing where you are or the group of people you are with right now.

And then bringing a kind attention to the sensation of touch,

Noticing your feet on the floor.

Noticing where your body is touching your chair or the floor.

And from here you might sense which anchor will most support you tonight.

You might choose to anchor on your body as a whole or your hands or the sounds or your breath.

And for the next few moments just allowing your scattered attention to center and to collect around this chosen anchor.

Noticing that comes up,

Letting it be there.

And then eventually with gentleness bringing your attention back to your chosen anchor.

And reminding yourself that this anchor is your resource.

It's your place of refuge.

And you can always collect yourself back here if you need to.

And you might strengthen the sense of centeredness and presence by tapping into any of your other inner resources.

Calling on beings who are loving or supporting,

Imagining your happy place.

Maybe tapping into a gentle and soothing breath or grounding yourself to Mother Earth.

Just feeling yourself supported and loved in the presence of your body,

Of your anchor and your inner resources.

Jack Kornfield says,

Take one hand and hold it gently on your heart as if you were holding a vulnerable human being because you are.

So you might hold yourself like this,

Put a hand on your heart and chest area compassionately,

Balancing your vulnerability,

Your fragility and beginning to reflect on any part of your life where there might be some grief or sadness.

Starting small,

Noticing your window of tolerance.

And if you come across any grief that feels like it's more than a five or six on the scale from one to ten,

Allowing yourself to turn away from that for the moment.

And then continuing to scan for some sadness or loss that may be there that feels manageable.

And if there's nothing that comes to mind right now,

That's okay,

We're not muscling through this meditation.

So if there's no sense of grief or sadness that's coming up,

You might just choose to maintain your attention on your anchor.

And if something does come up that feels manageable,

You might let this story play out a little bit in your mind,

Letting the emotions,

Thoughts and sensations flow,

Gently following them,

Letting them arise and fall like clouds in the sky,

Or like waves in the ocean.

Making up some space,

Remembering that you are the ocean or you are the sky.

You're not the waves and you're not the clouds.

And holding this hurting part of you or this sadness as tenderly as possible,

As if you are holding this treasured item you were looking at earlier.

So really taking your time with it,

Letting it unfold slowly with no rush and no judgment.

As Thich Nhat Hanh says,

You might say,

Come,

My sadness,

I will take care of you.

And in this way,

You might embrace this sadness.

You might visualize this sadness in any way that you find helpful.

You might notice if it has a color,

A texture,

A shape.

You might visualize a friendly gesture like giving the sadness a cup of tea or letting it take a seat next to you on a bench on a calm day in the park under a big blue vast open sky.

You might notice the body as well,

The expressions on your face,

The posture of your body,

The sensations inside the body.

You might notice if they are changing and moving.

And at any moment,

You can remember to call on your inner resources.

You can sense your feet on the ground.

You can call on to other beings that are loving and supporting.

And you can notice how does this sadness,

This grief want to be approached?

How does it want to be held?

And if it has a message for you that you'd like to remember,

There could be a message of love.

This grief could be pointing at something that's really dear to you.

It could be something you'd like to learn from this emotion.

There could be something or someone you'd like to forgive or intend to forgive.

So not holding on to anything and allowing yourself to move through this emotion kindly,

Compassionately,

And letting things go as they are ready to be let go of.

Making space for anything that remains and letting go of anything that wants to be let go of.

Watching this unfolding,

Trusting what can go and what stays.

Now in the last moments of this meditation,

You might let go of doing any meditation,

Of doing any practice and just allow yourself to be.

You might relax,

Notice your body and observe your quality of presence in these moments.

This time let it go of you.

Reviews

I’ve been on an antidepressant for about three years after my dad, my husband of 47 years and my mom died within 9 months..

I keep moving forward slowly and one day at a time. Some days are still beautiful while others, not.

You shared a beautiful message and touching stories that somehow calmed me down on a difficult day. Thank you.

Thank you🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻Yes, grief is an expression of love, and a very wild one, unpredictable. I applaud the tender holding of the grief. One of my learnings: express the grief, then let go and consciously expand as a counterbalance to the contraction of the grief🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

I needed this deeply comprehensive exploration of grief and meditation as I am still mourning my most beloved friend who I lost in December. I am grateful for this thoughtful meditation connecting grief and love. It expresses such insight and reveals such thought and care.