Understanding Sibling & Parental Estrangement

Family Estrangement: Understanding Sibling and Parental Estrangement within Family Systems Theory

This track is for those wanting to understand family estrangement - between siblings and or parents. So that you can better understand the dynamics that contribute to it can help in making thoughtful, informed choices about whether to seek reconciliation or to establish healthier boundaries. At the end evidence-based approaches for addressing estangement are discussed.

Transcript

Hello everyone,

And welcome to this talk about family estrangement,

Understanding sibling and parental estrangement within family systems theory.

My name is Yvette,

And today,

After a long time of doubting and whether or not to post this particular talk,

I will be discussing the sensitive but increasingly common topic of family estrangement.

And I will focus on sibling and parental estrangement.

And with this talk,

I hope to provide you with information about family estrangement,

So that you can better understand the dynamics that contribute to it,

And can help you make thoughtful,

Informed choices about whether or not to seek reconciliation,

Or to establish healthier boundaries within yourself.

Family estrangement is a challenging and often painful experience,

Affecting millions of people worldwide.

Perhaps you are familiar with this topic after having read the title,

And you do not speak to your siblings,

Or parents,

Or both.

Whether it be by your own choice,

Or someone made the decision for you.

By examining it through the lens of family systems theory,

We can gain a deeper understanding of the dynamics that lead to estrangement,

And explore the ways to address or manage these rifts.

And like my uncle once said,

Of all people,

My uncle,

You can choose your friends,

But you can't choose your family.

So what is family estrangement?

It generally refers to a breakdown in relationships between family members that leads to a voluntary distancing,

Reduced contact,

Or completely cutting ties.

And it is a common experience.

Around 27 of American adults with siblings and parents fall in between two of the most prevalent types of estrangement,

According to Gillian and colleagues in 2015.

Sibling and parental estrangement are often shaped by a larger family dynamic,

And reflect both individual conflicts and systematic influences.

Family system theory,

Developed by Bowen in 1978,

Posits that families operate as interconnected emotional units.

Each member's behaviors and emotions affect others,

Creating feedback loops that can either stabilize or destabilize family harmony.

And the problem with these feedback loops,

As the name suggests,

Is that they repeat in our daily adult lives.

Estrangement from this perspective can be seen as a reaction to prolonged and unresolved tension within the family unit.

For example,

Sibling relationships are typically our long-lasting bonds,

The longest we know,

And they are amongst the most complex ones.

Estrangement between siblings can emerge due to a variety of factors,

Often rooted in dynamics,

Family dynamics.

This can be parental favoritism and unequal treatment.

So Sutter and colleagues in 2009 found that a perceived parental favoritism is a significant predictor of sibling estrangement.

So if,

For example,

You think your older brother is treated in favor,

You might start to dislike them.

And over years,

Resentment and bitterness can build,

And sometimes this can lead to a complete break in the relationship.

Another factor can be diverging values and lifestyle choices.

So as siblings grow older,

They often develop distinct identities and life paths,

And they can sometimes clash.

Gillian and colleagues in 2015 found that conflicting values,

Such as difference in political views,

Religion or lifestyle choices,

Often lead to estrangement,

Especially if both parties feel misunderstood or judged.

Another factor could be long-standing rivalries and emotional cut-offs.

So Bowen's concept of emotional cut-off describes the tendency of family members to distance themselves as a means of managing unresolved emotional issues.

In sibling relationships,

This may take the form of long-standing rivalries,

Jealousy or resentment that are left unaddressed.

And if we zoom in on parental estrangement,

Like sibling estrangement,

They can result from both individual conflicts but also as a family as a whole.

However,

Because of the parent-child power dynamics,

Parental estrangement is often rooted in different underlying causes.

One cause could be perceived parental abuse or neglect.

Research has shown that adult children who experience emotional or physical abuse are more likely to initiate estrangement from their parents as a means of self-protection.

Schroed and colleagues found this in 2007.

And in these cases,

The estrangement is often a boundary-setting mechanism used to prevent further emotional harm.

An other cause could be unmet expectations and role conflicts.

Parents and children may have different expectations of one another.

Parental estrangement can sometimes stem from parents who struggle to let go of traditional parental roles,

Leading to tensions when their adult children seek autonomy.

This is what Coleman in 2020 found.

Similarly,

Children who feel they cannot meet their parents' expectations may pull away,

Leading to emotional distance.

An other cause could be intergenerational conflicts and family culture.

Family culture and intergenerational dynamics play a significant role in estrangement.

Families with rigid or high control structures may cause environments where members feel the need to distance themselves to achieve independence.

Nichols in 2014 found this.

So if you have experienced any of these points I've just offered,

They can have deep psychological consequences.

They might impact your mental health and your emotional well-being.

Blake in 2017 found that estrangement can lead to feelings of guilt,

Shame,

Loneliness,

And depression for both the estranger and the estranged.

Additionally,

The societal stigma surrounding family estrangement can increase these feelings,

As you might feel judged or isolated due to the assumption that family bonds should be unbreakable.

I've heard in my life people say to me,

And perhaps you have as well,

But they are your family.

So what are evidence-based approaches to address estrangement?

Whether or not you want to reconcile,

I will offer you some strategies that can help you to reconcile or manage your own emotions and well-being.

So here are some evidence-based approaches.

Self-reflection and role examination.

Family systems theory emphasizes the importance of understanding one's role within the family.

So reflect on your own behavior,

Your own expectations,

And possible contributions to the estrangement.

Nichols in 2014 found that this step can help clarify whether reconciliation is possible or even desirable.

So practical things you can do alone are,

For example,

Journaling or reading about family systems theories.

I cannot give any examples here on InsideTimer,

But message me anytime if you're interested to learn more,

And I can even make a talk about it.

And you can always work with a professional with expertise in family system theory.

I used to work with real people who would act as family members,

But you can also work with porn pieces,

Where you make it visual for yourself on a board.

That's why I use the image of pawns.

But back to the evidence-based things you can do with estrangement.

You can engage in empathetic communication.

Sherman in 2019 found that open and empathetic communication is vital when attempting to bridge estranged relationships.

Research by Sherman shows that active listening,

Validation,

And expressing empathy can reduce misunderstandings and help family members reconnect.

Another thing you can do is set clear boundaries and expectations.

So if reconciliation is a goal,

Establish boundaries that can help prevent future conflicts.

Myers and Goodboy in 2017 found that healthy boundaries enable family members to feel safe and respected,

Making reconciliation efforts more sustainable.

And especially family therapy based on family systems can be highly effective in uncovering and resolving underlying dynamics that may have contributed to estrangement.

McCaldrick and colleagues in 2008 found that family therapists can approach and help family members understand each other's perspectives,

Adjust harmful patterns,

And foster more positive interactions.

They can serve as a neutral person and provide overviews of what is happening and help you.

And for those who wish to rebuild relationships,

Schott and colleagues in 2007 suggest starting with low-stake interactions and slowly build trust over time.

Small gestures like sharing updates or meetings in neutral settings can help reduce tension and establish a foundation for reconnection.

However,

When reconciliation may not be feasible,

When it's not possible or even advisable,

When there are cases where estrangement is rooted in abuse or ongoing emotional harm,

For these individuals maintaining distance can be healthy and self-protective.

Coleman in 2020 found that while estrangement often comes with guilt and stigma,

Prioritizing one's own well-being is sometimes necessary.

So if the other one cannot self-reflect,

Cannot work with a professional,

Cannot engage in empathetic communication or set clear boundaries and expectations,

Is not willing to put in any effort,

That's an easy answer.

It is a difficult answer,

But sometimes reconciliation isn't a possibility.

So in conclusion,

I want you to be gentle with yourself if you have experience with family estrangement and know that more people suffer from it.

Whether or not it's between siblings,

Parents,

Children,

It is a deeply complex experience shaped by many factors within family systems.

While estrangement can be painful,

Understanding these dynamics can contribute and make it more helpful.

You can make informed choices about whether or not seeking reconciliation is smart,

Or you can establish healthy boundaries.

But remember,

Healing does not always mean reunion.

It can also mean finding peace with difficult choices and focusing on one's own well-being.

So thank you for listening,

I hope this talk has provided you with a better understanding of estrangement within family systems and some steps you can take if you are navigating similar situations.

Please send me a message if you want to hear more about this topic,

And I wish you a lovely day or night ahead.

Namaste.

Reviews

Mind blowing! Thank you so much. It's the first time that I heard of the research. I feel less shame. Thanks 🌸 NAMASTE