Help I'm A Perfectionist Part 2 - Series

Hi unique learners, This is part 2 of the "Help I'm a perfectionist - series". In this talk, I will dive more into the harms of toxic perfectionism, address multiple studies and different forms of perfectionism and go more into depth into the schema unrelenting standards. Finally, I will briefly introduce how to change perfectionism.

Transcript

Hi unique learners,

Welcome back to the series Help,

I'm a perfectionist.

My name is Yvette and I like to share my experience regarding perfectionism and provide you with more information about perfectionism I gathered from psychology research with a focus on schema therapy as I like to go more into depth.

In the previous talk I've introduced the schema unrelenting standards hypercriticalness,

What it is and where it comes from and probably multiple moments from your childhood.

And that is the schema which is an actual underlying belief and a pattern we keep repeating.

And I'm going to be honest with you,

My perfectionism creeped up while I was writing what I wanted to talk about today and how I should provide you with the perfect format and go into the change phases and hand everything basically down on a silver platter so I can heal all of you.

I wish I could but I can't.

So let's discover different angles about perfectionism and not follow a strict format.

So what is perfectionism and what does it do?

Well,

Simply put perfectionism is toxic and it harms.

Sure,

Saying you're a perfectionist might sound good in a job interview but does striving for perfection make you feel good about yourself?

Studies show that constantly chasing perfection may seriously harm your mental health and well-being.

And in this imperfect talk we will explore more research about perfectionism,

Go more into depth about the schema and start talking about changing perfectionism.

And I've found some numbers about the dangers of perfectionism.

So let's not idealize perfectionism.

Anxiety,

Depression and suicidal ideation are only some of the mental health problems that specialists have repeatedly linked with this form of perfectionism.

One study for example found that over half of people who died by suicide were described by their loved ones as perfectionist.

Another study found that more than 70% of young people who died by suicide were in the habit of creating exceedingly high expectations of themselves.

And yeah,

If we go into research about perfectionism and this field,

There are two leading researchers,

Gordon Flatt and Paul Hewitt,

And they found three main facets about being a perfectionist in a study done actually 30 years ago.

And they found three distinctions with source of perfectionism and they might be helpful for you.

They found out that there are self-oriented perfectionists,

Other-oriented and socially prescribed perfectionists.

So the self-oriented perfectionists are all about oneself and that the person themselves should be perfect.

There is a lot of self-blame here if it isn't perfect.

Other-oriented perfectionism are the beliefs and expectations about the capabilities of others.

And how is this different than from other-oriented and socially prescribed perfectionism?

Well,

Socially prescribed perfectionism involves the perceived need to attain standards and expectations prescribed by significant others.

So in short,

What others think of you.

In a more recent study,

They found that the latter,

So the socially prescribed perfectionism,

Was the most difficult form of perfectionism.

In socially prescribed perfectionism,

Individuals believe their social context is more demanding than others judge them harshly and that they must display perfect perfection to secure approval.

And I found it interesting that the authors made these three distinctions,

Because I can actually relate to all three of them.

And they show up very differently in my life depending on the context.

Personally,

I can relate more to the unrelenting schema than this distinction.

But as Curran and Hill point out,

Self-oriented perfectionism,

Which occurs when individuals attach irrational importance to being perfect,

Hold unrealistic expectations of themselves and are punitive in their self-evaluations.

And this is actually linked with clinical depression,

Eating disorders and premature death among college students and young people.

Oh,

But I can also recognize some things in death unfortunately.

And wait,

I found more.

Self-critical perfectionism is also said to raise the risk of bipolar disorder and some studies suggest that it may explain why people with bipolar also experience anxiety.

Wow.

Yeah,

And the hills of perfectionism or the ills do not stop at mental health.

Some studies have found that high blood pressure is more relevant among perfectionistic people and other researchers have even linked the trait with multiple cardiovascular diseases.

And yeah,

I have troubles with pronouncing that,

But I'm keeping it in.

But additionally,

You are faced with physical illness.

Perfectionists have a harder time coping.

One study found that the trait predicts early death among those who have diabetes.

And other studies done by,

For example,

Professor Flatt and his colleagues found that people with Crohn's disease or who've had a heart attack have a much harder time recovering.

And these are all so in sum perfectionism does also a lot of harm to your body.

And Professor Flatt writes,

A link between perfectionism and serious illness is not surprising given that unrelenting perfectionism can be a recipe for chronic stress.

All together,

We know that perfectionism is toxic and that there are now many distinctions,

There's many research about it,

And it can cause serious harm.

And if we dive deeper into perfectionism and the self,

We often end up at the inner critic.

I have made many talks here on Inside Timer about the inner critic,

Because living with this inner critic of perfectionism is not easy.

Perfectionists will often have a harsh internal dialogue.

Inner critic constantly tells you,

You know,

That you're not good enough,

No matter how hard you try.

And having such a constant inner voice can be draining and exhausting.

And on top of that,

Perfectionists often criticize themselves for the fact that they are even being self critical.

So that's a downward spiral,

Right?

How can we counter the harms of perfectionism?

Living with your inner critic can be hard,

But there are a number of things you can do to silence that voice.

A more recent study led by Ferrari found that self compassion can help protect against depression in people with perfectionistic standards.

Self compassion,

Explained by Ferrari and her colleagues,

Is the practice of self kindness constantly reduces the strength of the relationship between maladaptive perfectionism and depression for both adolescents and adults.

You may think that self compassion is something that you either have or you don't,

But Professor Hewitt is hopeful that certain forms of psychotherapy can help people perceive their harsh self beliefs and change them gently over time.

More psychologists are actually insisting that self compassion can be thought.

And mindful self compassion,

Training and yoga for instance,

Have both been proven to help you with your self criticizing inner voice.

And clinical trials of the former have yielded promising results.

For example,

There was this study where they did an 8 week training course,

Boosting participants' level of self compassion by around 43%.

But coming back where I left,

Actually in the previous talk,

It might not work for everyone,

Including myself.

And then I would recommend schema therapy.

Schema therapy is actually based on decades of research and it can identify why you are stuck,

What deeply ingrained patterns you are keeping and holding on to,

Where you are now and where you want to be.

Because unfortunately we cannot think,

Hey,

Let me just stop being a perfectionist and okay,

I'm myself now.

And this is because everything we repeatedly think,

Feel and do,

This gets wired into our subconscious part of the brain in kind of a pattern loop.

And the more we repeat the pattern,

The deeper it becomes ingrained and the more automatic it becomes.

So for example,

If you repeatedly think that you need to be perfect because otherwise you're useless,

A loser and feel crap because of those thoughts,

Well,

They will become automatic and you will just turned out with those attached feelings.

What you usually do when you think and feel this way,

Say for example,

Work overtime,

Be compulsive or procrastinate,

This behavior will also become wired into the automatic firing pattern.

And this is what the schema actually is.

It's a deeply automatic pattern that pops up frequently in response to certain triggers.

And this really derails us from our path to change.

Eighteen schemas have been identified with our own specific thought patterns,

Feelings and behaviors.

Once you've identified which ones are getting in the way of your goals,

For example,

The unrelenting standards because of perfectionism,

You can specifically talk to them with techniques that reduce them.

Our schemas got laid down in our brains way back in our childhood.

Some because we grew up in harsh,

Abusive,

Neglectful environments,

But some of us developed this because we were overindulged as children and our brains did not get the practice they needed to function as responsible adults.

Okay,

Okay.

Can we skip to the good part?

How can we change the schema?

Let me start about what change is.

More specifically,

How difficult it is.

Research has actually shown that the chances of making any kind of change is nine to one.

So the odds are nine to one,

Even if we're facing a life threatening disease.

And that's a lot of unrealized goals and broken dreams.

And this is because there's this thing,

This part of our brain that is responsible for achieving our dreams and goals,

Which is much affected again by childhood.

So we need certain conditions in childhood to build a brain that can push through fear,

Self-doubt and frustration.

And if you are like me,

Well,

You didn't get that.

I am sorry,

But there is hope.

Our brains are always changing.

And if you know what you need to do to build an effective brain,

Your chances of success are way better.

So the next step to breaking the pattern from the past is to go inside.

Now there's always this belief and I am one of those people who practiced and preached that myself,

Is that meditation can cure most things.

But sometimes,

Depending on each individual,

We also need to seek outside help.

Again,

I'm a firm meditator for over six years now,

But I needed outside help with some of my issues.

And I would like to remind you that this talk is for information purposes only.

And if you struggle with this,

Please consult with a licensed therapist.

But change,

You know,

Is not that easy,

But it is possible.

And we are actually working around the first step and that is raising awareness.

But some steps that are helpful after raising awareness are clearing trapped emotions in the body,

Which are things you can indeed do with yoga and meditation,

And then learning how to process these emotions,

Taking action to change the schema,

Evaluate our relationships,

Create connection and look at the bigger picture.

But more about that in the other talks that will follow up to this one.

And for now,

I wish you a lovely day ahead and thank you for listening.

Namaste

Reviews

This really resonates with me. Thank you! 🙏

Thank you, Yvette - I just love your talks and meditations! This one hits home for me. 🙏 🙏