Live: Introduction To Understanding & Healing Family Systems

Hi unique learners, this is the live recording from July 2025

In this session, we’ll explore the foundations of Family Constellations—how patterns, roles, and loyalties are passed down through generations, often unconsciously shaping our present lives. I’ll guide you through some self-reflective exercises to notice key dynamics in your family story. I will also offer some theory regarding Family Constellations.

Open to anyone interested in personal growth, healing, and understanding patterns in relationships.

Pause if you need more time and have pen & paper ready for the reflective questions.

Transcript

Hello,

My name is Yvette.

I'm a researcher,

I'm a coach,

I'm a teacher,

And now I'm even a student of Family Constellations,

Because I'm studying to become a facilitator.

And I thought,

This has been so helpful for me,

Why not share it with you on Insight Timer?

I will talk today about what Family Constellations are,

The benefits,

I will give a concrete example,

But I will also offer you some inquiry,

Self-reflection questions.

You are more than welcome to write it down on pen and paper,

On the notes on your mobile phone,

And for those who are now online here,

You can share it in the chat.

I will record this session,

But I will pause if I will read anything from the chat,

And I will not say your name.

And I want to start out with some evidence-based research that Cohen and colleagues in 2019,

They found that even though there is limited research,

Family Constellation Therapy has received some support from well-thought-out studies,

And it has some benefits.

Also Blackburn in 2023 found that the benefits of doing Constellation Therapy are powerful emotional releases,

Cognitive insights into toxic behavioral patterns,

Positive behavioral change,

Healthier communication and relationships,

You are creating a space for processing past events,

And you might get an improved understanding of how families impact personal decision-making,

And a better understanding of the dynamics between different family members.

So what are family constellations?

It's a therapeutic approach developed by Bert Hellinger,

A German psychiatrist and former priest.

I have his book here,

You cannot read it that well,

But it's Bert Hellinger,

And he really went into the hidden dynamics of families,

And how these roles,

These generational trauma,

These loyalties between family members can shape our present behavior,

Relationships and even health.

So we often carry emotional burdens from family members,

Which we know of,

And sometimes,

Often,

Which we don't know of,

We carry these burdens and beliefs,

And they can come from your parents,

Grandparents,

And even before that.

And once we see them,

We can release it.

It's not just about making a family tree,

Who were your parents,

Who were your grandparents,

No,

It's really placing the people who came before you,

And asking questions,

Where does that particular behavior or pattern come from?

So Blackburn in 2023 found that family constellations is helpful for people who want to overcome addiction,

Who struggle with anxiety,

Depression,

Trauma,

Grief,

Etc.

So,

An example,

One client comes to family constellations,

Hello,

And they say,

I really want a committed relationship,

A serious relationship,

But I always attract unavailable partners or people who are not right for me.

And when someone really wants to love me,

I pull away or sabotage it.

I don't know why.

So how would a family constellation look like?

You will have a facilitator,

And they will ask the client,

Hey,

This is a facilitator,

This is a client,

The facilitator will ask,

For example,

Can you tell me about your family of origin?

Is there anything that happened in your family,

For example,

Early deaths,

Abortions,

Adoptions,

Family secrets,

Or estrangement?

And what do you know about your parents' relationship?

Or a question could be,

Do you know if anyone in your family was left out,

Rejected,

Or excluded?

Were there any big losses or traumas?

And then the client responds with,

Yeah,

My father left when I was five,

My mom raised me alone and always said she didn't need a man.

Or the client could respond,

My grandmother was in love with someone who died in war,

She married another man,

But she was never really happy.

Or even another example could be,

My mother had an abortion before I was born,

It was never spoken about.

Now,

The facilitator will now listen and look for hidden loyalties,

I will talk more about loyalty later,

Entanglements,

Exclusions,

And then invite the client to pick people,

So you can either do it with people,

Pawns,

Or anchors.

I've done all three,

And I'm now giving you the example of pawns,

So they will work with puppets.

And the facilitator will ask the client for them to choose someone that will represent their family,

So they will have a representative for the client themselves,

Their mother,

The father who left,

And the grandmother,

For example.

And they will place these pawns as she sees them,

As they feel.

So this is step three already,

Placing the representatives.

And now the client puts everyone in a place,

How they feel.

For example,

The mother will then be distant from the client,

Who struggles to find a relationship,

Because she doesn't feel really loved,

And the father who left,

Well,

He's out of the picture,

Bye.

So that's what they will do in this stage.

And then they will look for positions of body language,

So for example,

The father is distant,

He looks away,

The mother is there,

But she's looking downwards.

The grandmother is also looking away,

Because she had a former lover,

But who died in war.

And then it's step four,

Revealing the hidden dynamics.

So the facilitator will observe,

Is the client loyal to the parent's suffering?

And here is where loyalty comes in.

Is the client identifying with,

For example,

The mother,

Who got left by her husband?

Or is she identifying with her grandmother,

Who married someone who she didn't really love?

And then the client might say,

Yeah,

If I fall in love,

I will abandon my mother,

Or I always have felt this way.

Now,

Step five,

Is the resolution movements.

And the facilitator will then go into healing sentences and movements.

So for example,

They will say to the client,

Hey,

Say this to your mother.

Hey,

Dear mom,

I'm your daughter,

You are the big one,

I am the small one,

Thank you for life.

I will take it fully,

With everything that comes with it.

But what happened between you and dad is yours,

I leave it with you,

With love.

Or for example,

To the grandmother,

Whose real love died at war.

The client will say to her grandmother,

Who can be a pawn,

A real person,

An anchor.

But it's just about saying out loud,

Hey,

Dear grandma,

I see your sorrow,

I honor your love and loss.

I leave your faith with you,

Please bless me as I choose love on my own.

And if you say these,

There will become something like an energy shift,

There will be an emotional integration.

And when I've done this,

My shoulders really dropped,

A burden left me.

And then the last phase is integration.

So step six after the healing sentences is integration,

Where they usually feel the shift,

But this can also arise days later,

Weeks later.

And then the client,

Who had troubles finding a partner,

They can even create a pawn for their ideal partner and say out loud what they want from them.

But it's important that the client then sees everyone around them,

Acknowledges them,

Says healing statements and then integration happens.

That's usually a summary of what happens.

So there are reveals,

There were hidden loyalties to the mother or grandmother.

And there's a repetition of family trauma.

Hey,

Grandmother was abandoned,

Mother was abandoned,

Then I should also be abandoned.

So the facilitator's role would be to ask questions,

Set up the constellation,

Observe what's happening and then help the client with stating out loud healing statements.

And I have a little bit of theory,

More talking about family constellation.

So we have three rules.

One,

Belonging.

Everyone must have a place in the system.

Two,

Order.

Respect the natural hierarchy and timing.

Three is balance.

Give and take must be in balance,

Except when it comes to a parent and a child.

And I will explain these right now.

So belonging,

Everyone in the family system has an equal right to be there.

No one can be excluded.

Not even an aborted child,

A stillborn,

Former lovers or partners,

Black sheeps or addicts,

Victims or perpetrators of violence.

So if someone in your family is forgotten,

Denied or excluded,

The system becomes unbalanced.

And later family members may unconsciously take on their fatal behaviors to restore the system to the whole.

So an example would be,

A woman keeps sabotaging her relationship because her father's first wife,

Who the family never acknowledged,

Was excluded.

And the woman carries that pain unconsciously,

Unknowingly.

So I have a reflection question for you.

Can you think of a disbalance in your family regarding belonging?

For example,

In my family we had an uncle who was a drug addict.

I wasn't allowed to talk to.

I repeat the question.

Can you think of a disbalance in your family regarding belonging?

Is someone excluded?

The second thing about order.

So there is a hierarchy in your family.

Parents come before children.

Elders,

The oldest son comes before the youngest.

First children come before younger siblings.

First partner comes before the later ones.

And if there is a disruption in this order.

So a child is taking care of their parents,

This parentification.

Or a second wife is not acknowledged at first.

This can create confusion or systematic entanglement.

Or the youngest is bullying the middle one.

This confuses systematic entanglement.

Now I will give another example of a man who feels burdened and unable to move forward in life.

Because he unconsciously has taken the place of his father first.

Unknowingly.

Son who died young.

These are all hidden dynamics which can lead you to act in a certain way.

So my reflection question for you is.

Can you think of a disbalance in your family regarding order?

P.

S.

For the parentification examples.

I have talks on my InsightTimer profile.

Go check it out if you are interested.

But back to the question.

Can you think of a disbalance in your family regarding order?

And number three.

Balance of giving and taking.

Especially in relationships.

So a healthy relationship requires a balance in giving and receiving.

So between equals.

With my husband for example.

There must be a mutual exchange.

Otherwise one will feel guilty,

Shame,

Whatever.

Or when one gives too much or too little.

There will be tension.

And in parent-child relationships.

This is very important.

This is the exception of the between equals.

The balance is asymmetrical.

So parents give.

Children receive.

Children paid forward by giving to the next generation.

So parents give.

Children receive.

Children don't give back to their parents.

Very important.

An example.

A woman gives and gives in her relationships.

She attracts takers.

Deep down.

She is really trying to give back her love to her emotionally absent mother.

But she just wants love.

So my reflection question here is.

Can you think of a disbalance in your family.

Regarding the balance of giving and taking.

So can you think of.

Was there a disbalance.

In giving or taking.

A little bit more theory.

Is the caretaker.

Please think if you can relate to the caretaker.

Where you would focus on the needs of others.

Often at the expense of your own.

Or maybe you were the scapegoat.

Blamed for family problems.

And acts as a diversion from the real issue.

So a scapegoat.

Or can you relate to being a peacemaker.

Trying to resolve conflicts.

And maintaining harmony within the family.

Absorbing all the negative emotions of others.

I know I can definitely relate to this one.

Being the peacemaker.

Now can you think of one belief.

Or behavior.

You might be carrying.

That doesn't really feel like your own.

Or worse.

And then can you identify.

Where or who it might have come from.

These are typical questions for family constellation.

Can you identify where or who it might come from.

And if you could give that back with love.

What space might open up for you.

Now take a deep breath in through your nose.

And release through the mouth.

You might want to close your eyes for this one.

Where you picture.

Yourself standing at the front.

And behind you.

Is a strong line.

Of ancestors.

Your parents.

Your grandparents.

And those before them.

Take another deep breath in through the nose.

And out through the mouth.

And a healing statement could be.

I honor what you carried.

I see how it shaped me.

But I choose now to carry only what is mine.

Say it out loud with me.

I honor what you carried.

I see how it shaped me.

But I choose now to carry only what is mine.

And release that with a final deep breath in.

And deep breath out.

And as a homework assignment.

If you're interested.

Because they're so personal.

I cannot tell them for you.

Can you think of a healing sentence for yourself.

In your situation.

For example.

Something you would like to say to your mother.

Could be.

You are my mother.

I am your child.

What happened between you and dad.

Belongs to you.

I leave it with you.

With love.

Or the one I used earlier.

I honor what you carried.

I see how it shaped me.

But I choose now to carry only what is mine.

Be well.

I hope you took something from this session.

It's ongoing work.

But this is the start of a great journey.

Thank you for being here.

And for trusting me.