Before, During & After Difficulty

With some care, we can manage our difficult moments from an inner place of calm and strength. It isn’t easy and takes a bit of practice, but may be easier than the conditioned fear response many of us run unconsciously. We can prepare for a difficult situation mindfully, look after ourselves thru the difficulty and take time to recover afterward. Any one of these practices can help, but together they are transformational. Photo by Jeremy Lapak on Unsplash

Transcript

Let's find our comfortable seat placing our body somewhere it can rest for a little while where it's at ease our limbs are comfortable our back is a little bit straighter I'm relaxing our shoulders relaxing the muscles of our face so we're not too relaxed so we get all sleepy but we're not tense either we're not gritting our teeth we've got a balance between those two things we'll find our breath so if we know we have to go and have a difficult conversation or something we're a little bit anxious about who knows it could be any one of a million things but there's there's plenty of them and we know we've got to go and do one of them in a bit so it's very much like this as we prepare to meditate we bring our attention inwards and we take a few long smooth breaths and if we've got that difficult thing our mind is probably going to be going off there suggesting all sorts of things oh it might go like this it might go like that let's come back to the present moment because our power our strength is in the present moment and if we've managed to turn down that fight flight or fight response so we're taking a few of those good long smooth breaths gently inviting the air a little deeper into the lungs and softening the body telling ourselves it's okay it's okay because this too shall pass and we know it will it won't last forever so that preparation might only be a couple of breaths which will only take a few seconds oh if we've got a bit longer maybe we're waiting for something we can take a little bit more time over it the important thing is we're becoming more conscious using our breath to come into our rest and digest our calm state maybe telling ourselves we've got this it'll be okay so now we're actually in that difficult moment maybe it's a conversation that makes us uncomfortable maybe with a loved one or a creditor interviewer whatever it might be in many different things flight and fight biology is probably activated so can we relax our shoulders bring our attention inwards to our response be honest about what we're feeling about what our mind is doing so we've got half an eye on what's going on in the outer conversation and half an eye on ourselves on our reaction feeling the uncomfortable a mindfulness practice teaches us to feel those uncomfortable emotions as best we can now I'm not enjoying this because this is making me feel uncomfortable here oh I've got this stress ache in this part of my body whatever your symptoms might be acknowledge them as best you can and maybe most crucially love the one who experiences it so by that I mean saying yes this is difficult but I'm doing well doing my best try not to push away the difficult feelings allow it to be just as it is if we resist we don't really deal with it we just hide from it so we try and allow yes this is difficult but I am powerful I'm strong standing in my power I can manage whatever it is and when the difficult moment has finished because it will finish in in the in the heat of it we forget it won't be like this forever but it will come to an end and when it does we can take some time to recover and often because we're in our fight or flight mode we want to rush off and do things but if we do things in our fight and flight mode all those things are kind of colored by our bad mood our negative mindset so we do well if we can take one minute ten minutes is better so turn down that fight-or-flight response and turn up our rest and digest biology come back to our calm space so it's working with our biology and we do this with our breath finding our breath allowing our body to rest so sit down or lie down if possible let all the tension out of our body in moments of drama and difficulty often our body and muscles can become very hard very tense so let's look around the body and allow that all to melt away allowing the breath to be a little deeper so it becomes slower and there's no need to force those things we do it gently forcing the breath can increase the stress on the physiology just be gentle and as we rest I'm probably able to feel our whole body slowing down a little bit maybe we can notice our thoughts slowing down a little bit and now our mind will probably still be wandering off to that experience just come back try and resist the urge to rush off and do things for a little bit longer if our internal dialogue is negative if it's critical of us ourselves our actions we can choose to say something positive and supportive like I did my best in that moment yes I need to do these particular things too for my next steps and I will do them I'll do them slowly and carefully without panic and I can do that and it's okay then to be your own caregiver as your mother would hold you when you were young it's okay it's okay and so all through this practice of knowing we have a difficulty experiencing a difficulty and recovering afterwards we're choosing to become more self-aware throughout the entire process which may be the complete opposite of what we are a natural inclination or what we've been conditioned to do as many of us tend to hide and that's okay that's no blame no shame but then this may be a better way because then we get to choose how we respond so we can choose to respond to our difficulty by paying attention to it learning what we can about our own stress responses choosing to be kind to ourselves go easy on ourselves and have a positive dialogue with ourselves and when we've rested and recovered notice that yes that calm spot is still within me even under all the difficulty before we leap back into action we may decide to keep that's as much of that self-awareness as we can as we go back into our daily life back into action to stay mindful of our energy of our responses are in the dialogue and to look after ourself for the rest of the day so we can take one or two deeper breaths gradually start to move our body fingers and toes wrists and ankles and legs gradually returning to our regular waking consciousness knowing that we can get through a difficulty with strength thank you for practicing with me