I used to be very ambitious and I think I was very ambitious because I was very angry and I wanted to prove something or prove myself.
Like we all did on some level.
And then that was a sort of drive for me.
I worked very hard from the fuel of the anger and I think at some point I stopped being quite so angry and I started or I stopped being ambitious proportionately.
And I think that there's this other kind of motivation which is love,
Compassion,
Wanting to give something.
That's what you feel now,
Right?
No,
Not necessarily.
You don't feel those things?
Well,
I do,
But not as intensely as I used to feel the anger.
And would you want it to be that intense?
Yeah,
I actually do.
Oh,
I feel you.
That's the urge,
Right?
I like intensity.
I feel that I'm sort of in between.
Like I don't have that angry drive,
But then I don't really have the loving drive either.
It's like a middle place.
It's probably more neutral at this point.
Yeah.
Do you feel empty because of it?
Somewhat,
Yeah.
Do you want more?
Yeah,
I think so.
Yeah,
When you're meditating you probably need to focus on the heart more.
I do actually.
Oh,
You're doing that anyway.
That's my specialty actually.
I have been for about a year and a half and that was really hard for me to come to because people would tell me to meditate on the heart and they would tell me to feel loving feelings and like,
Well,
It was in the Buddhist circle,
So they'd tell me to practice metta.
And it really made me very upset because I didn't feel anything there.
Like it was very,
Like it would sort of make me feel angry,
But it was a long process.
It was a long process,
Right?
Yeah,
It was a very difficult process because I didn't even know what love looked or felt like,
But I'm working on that,
The heart,
Very much so.
But I'm still like in the middle.
I'm still just like,
I'm very slow and dense and stubborn.
Yeah,
Whenever somebody gives me advice,
The first thing I do is fight against it.
Well,
Keep using energy because in energy,
At least the last 40 minutes of it.
You just told me some advice and I was already doing that.
Well,
Continue doing it because it's going to take a while,
But you're meditating mostly in delta and delta is the frequency for love and compassion.
Another one is gamma.
We can talk about that later if you want to try a gamma one maybe twice a week.
Here's the thing.
When I started doing gamma,
When I was doing hollow sync and I started doing gamma shortly after is when I went to nonprofit,
But it's not like I felt this burst of love or anything like that.
I just felt the need to go within that field.
I didn't look at it until years later and said,
Oh gosh,
I actually got into nonprofit and working with youth and family after listening to gamma.
So that's my speculation.
I can't prove that's the case yet.
It's a speculation,
But that could be the case.
I don't want to go work in a soup kitchen.
I'm not saying that would be your calling.
I don't want to work in one either.
I don't want to do my comics.
Who's got jokes now,
Nathan?
Right?
You're not going to be obligated to start working in one just because it's available.
You're going to do what's really true.
In your heart,
Whatever that is,
Even if it means licking the wound of people with leprosy,
That's your thing.
That's your thing.
There's some people,
There's people who do that.
Right.
But I'm sure before,
Before the enlightenment,
They weren't thinking about doing that.
Yeah,
I don't see the value in that,
But.
Or at least not yet.
Never say,
Yeah,
You never know.
Never know.
There's a lot of things I said I'd never do.
And I'm like,
Oh my gosh,
Look at me.
I'm doing it right now.
I never thought I would work with kids with disabilities.
I never thought I would ever do that.
I do it now.
There's no way.
If you told me this 20 years ago that I'd be working with kids with disabilities,
I would not believe you.
I'd slap you in the face.
There's no way.
I am not working with kids with disabilities.
I'm not doing it right now.
I do it.
All right.
And I do it with almost,
I should call it semi joy.
I do this with semi joy.
This is what I'm supposed to do at the moment.
But it's different for everyone.
It's totally different for everyone.
I'd never thought I'd work in nonprofit.
I never thought I'd be working with marginalized youth and families.
I never thought that would ever happen.
I never even thought about it.
I knew I wanted to mentor people.
That I knew.
But I didn't know that I'd be doing that.
Totally different than from,
Totally different from me doing stand-ups and all the stuff in the entertainment business.
Right?
It's different.
Yeah.
I wasn't really saying that that was the thing that you should be doing or that I should be doing.
Oh,
No,
I didn't even take it that way.
I just found it funny.
Yeah,
It's all good.
And I've never worked in a soup kitchen,
So I don't know what that's like.
Apparently,
It's based on how you made it sound.
It sounds like it's terrible.
So I definitely don't want to do that.
I thought I was supposed to do fun.
No soup for you.
I don't want to be the super Nazi.
I don't want to be that guy.
You worked at a soup kitchen?
I never want to be that guy.
If I ever worked with one,
Shoot me,
Please,
Nathan.
Take my gun and shoot me.
Man,
I thought the soup was free.
No soup for you.
No soup for you.
I haven't eaten in three days.
No soup for you.
No soup for you.
Yeah,
I don't want to be that guy.
That guy's miserable as hell.
