Healing The Relationships With Your Parents

So much residue, so much pain. Our first and most essential relationship is also the one that affects us the most as we grow up. Let's join hands to learn about the different ways we can heal the relationship between us and our parents, and grow up.

Transcript

Good.

So let's start as usual with a short ceremony to make sure we are all aligned.

Hopefully there will not be a power outage because it's quite stormy outside now.

So let's sit comfortably on our seat and take a deep breath in and let go.

Let's close our eyes and take another deep breath in and the next breath in we keep in,

We don't breathe out.

Slowly breathe out and let go.

Let go of all your efforts.

Let go of all your hopes and anxieties about the future.

Let go of all past impressions.

Let go of any attempt to be someone,

To reach somewhere and allow your breath to guide you back to the present moment,

To whatever is happening right now around you.

Any voices or noise or smell,

Anything you can gather from your surroundings.

Become aware of the position of your body on its seat.

Become aware of your body from the tip of your toes to the top of your head.

Make sure there is no tension hiding anywhere in your body.

Another deep breath in and relax.

Relax more and more.

Become aware of any sensation or emotion you may feel,

Any thought that may cross your mind without getting too entangled to any specific event.

Just observe as they pass like clouds in the sky.

You just observe.

Don't get carried away by any thought or story.

If you found that you've been carried away,

Just take another deep breath in and come back to the present moment.

And as those events happen,

Allow your attention to move away and turn to face itself.

The intention meets the intention.

The attention meets the attention.

That space that space within that exists before and beyond any passing event where there is no movement,

There is only silence.

And for a moment become that silence.

Another deep breath in.

Gently allow your attention to come back to your body as it is seated here upon its seat.

Let's unite our individual intentions into one unified intention.

The intention to grow,

To develop,

To evolve.

With a smile let's take another deep breath in.

Gently when you feel comfortable you may open your eyes.

So welcome again everybody.

How are you?

I hope now it's easier to be here present on this occasion where we hold hands and allow ourselves to share our path with other seekers seekers like us.

Where we can grow not just as individuals but as a unified consciousness.

So today we thought it would be a good idea to walk under the light of this question.

How to heal our relationships with our parents.

Why is it important?

It's important because any entanglement we have with our story almost with no exception becomes a hurdle and puts us in a position of a victim.

And it is counterproductive on our path to liberation.

So if we zoom out for a minute before we dive into the relationship of our private parents.

If we zoom out and we look at the relationship that we have with our story,

The whole story,

We realize that the secret is not hiding in how successful we are in in creating a new story or redefining the relationship that we have with our own story.

The secret lies with us growing beyond our identification with the story.

That awakening that helps us realize that I am not the story.

The story is just a sequence of events that happened since the day I came to this existence until the present moment.

Sequence of events,

That's it.

But it's not who I am and I'm not using it as an identity anymore.

And once that is realized then there is no need to change anything.

Not in the story and not in the relationship we have with it.

But before that,

At least in most cases,

People find it difficult to let go of that identity.

I am my story.

So in that case we need to start expanding beyond all those entanglements along the path.

And probably the first entanglement we find on the path is the relationship that we have with our parents because these are the first relationships that we have when we come to this planet.

These are the first people that greet us and it begins the drama that we have around our story.

Because think about it,

When we grew up in the womb there was no need or lack.

I was physically connected to the source,

Physically connected to the bounty of life.

But as I came out of this planet and I met my mom,

Immediately there was a separation there.

And I started collecting experiences of lack.

Suddenly I experienced hunger,

Which is something I have never experienced before.

What the hell is that?

And then I experienced hunger but I didn't receive my tit at the right time.

Maybe my mother was busy and my need was not satisfied immediately.

So the whole drama of lack and want starts igniting and creating that identity of lack,

Which we call ego.

Ego is that identity that is based on lack.

So this is the first relationship with Armar,

That is built around lack.

Now it doesn't matter if Armar was loving and caring and as available as possible or if she was a monster.

It's always under that context.

As we grow and our ego grows with us,

A person is born which is crafted by this sense of need and lack,

Which I'm supposed to be fulfilled from my mother and I'm not fulfilled as much as I need.

And as I grow,

My ego grows with me and the relationship with the father and everything that my father was supposed to give me and didn't,

That drama between me and my parents expands.

So that's why the relationship with our parents is so crucial to resolve,

Because it affects all other relationships we have.

It draws a certain color throughout our journey and in terms of how we meet life,

How we meet other people.

This is my prologue of this discussion,

Just to understand why we are here and why it is important that we discuss this.

Of course,

I didn't introduce Carly,

But you know her already.

She will be sounding the voice of the sincere seeker for you because you are unfortunately unable to do it yourself.

So,

Any questions so far about the prologue?

Steve says,

I was basically and absolutely my parents' parents.

Me and my sister,

They were fed up.

We lacked parents and parenting.

This is one typical drama.

My parents were absent.

More common,

My father was absent.

Sometimes my mother as well.

So my lack is based on the sense of absence of fatherly figure,

Sometimes motherly figure.

And I carry on that lack with me to all other relationships.

It could be not enough attention or not enough warmth,

Not enough physical love or hugs,

Or not enough attention.

There are so many not enoughs that can be found in this relationship we have with our parents.

Bottom line is I needed and I didn't receive it.

So now there is a sense of lack embedded in me.

And around this sense of lack,

An ego is created and around that ego,

Personality is crafted.

My personality.

You see that?

So what to do?

How to heal that?

First of all,

We need to appreciate the fact that this is a very sensitive issue.

It's a very sensitive subject,

Sometimes traumatic,

And we need to deal with it with utmost care.

But as I usually do in my Israeli way,

I'm going to dive into the deep water.

And I hope you can keep up.

What to do?

First,

You need to understand that entanglement within our relationship with our parents is a barrier between you and an awakened consciousness.

Because you carry with you that burden of a judgment and frustration and disappointment.

You carry with you that burden,

That mental,

Emotional,

Energetical burden.

And with this weight,

You cannot fly,

You cannot be free.

You have to release yourself from that.

You have to relieve yourself from that.

So here comes the question,

The million dollar question that every one of us needs to ask himself or herself.

And that is,

Do you really want to be free of that burden?

Do you really want to heal your relationship with your parents?

Because I tell you,

It's much easier to stay in that position of a victim and keep blaming your parents for what they did or did not do for you.

It's much easier.

This is what most people do.

Because of my mother,

She wasn't there,

Or she did this,

Or my father,

He did that.

And because of them,

I cannot be free now.

I cannot be happy.

I cannot be satisfied.

I cannot open my heart.

It's impossible.

I'm damaged goods.

So you keep blaming your parents,

But holding yourself in a cage.

So do you really want to be released from that cage?

Or do you prefer,

Consciously or unconsciously,

To blame other people for that?

Mostly your parents.

Do you really want to be free?

And that's not a trivial question,

I tell you.

You need to really wonder about that.

Meditate on that.

Who will I be without that drama?

Who will I be without that entanglement?

Currently,

It is being used as your identity.

That drama is who you are.

At least this is how you describe yourself to yourself and to the world.

Look,

This is my misery.

This is who I am.

I am that misery.

And I can tell you exactly what was done to me and why my misery is justified.

So who will you be without that drama?

Do you want to know?

Or are you satisfied with being identified with that drama?

If you are really sincere when you say,

Yes,

I want to be free.

I want to let go of that entanglement.

I want to break out of this cage.

I really do.

I tell you,

You're already 60-70% out.

No,

It's just fine tunings and finding the right path to get out and be free.

And soon I will share a few recommendations.

But before we jump to the recommendation regarding how to do it,

First,

I urge you to answer that question.

Do you really want to do it?

Do you really want to be free of that drama?

What do you say?

Nainika,

My parents knew how to provide for our education,

Food,

Shelter,

Etc.

But we're unable to feel our emotions.

So although they promoted academic achievements,

They disapproved of our romantic relationships.

This has been an integral intergenerational pattern.

And I see where they are coming from.

So I started changing my own self by expressing needs,

Creating boundaries,

Finding other spaces of connection.

I'm wondering,

Why would we choose to be free?

It's a brilliant question.

If you ask me,

I can't see any other reason to exist.

Then the longing to be free.

If you don't long to be free,

You are as good as dead,

As far as I am concerned.

You're just postponing the inevitable death.

But if you don't feel that longing,

That's okay.

In the Song of Songs,

There is a verse saying,

Don't awake or awaken love until it desires,

Until love desires,

Until love is willing.

It's difficult to translate.

Until love is ripe,

Ready.

So it's happening in its own pace.

I don't think you don't feel that,

Otherwise you wouldn't be here now,

Listening to this.

I don't think many of you here don't share this longing to be free.

And the question why is because you're ready.

That's why.

You've come to that evolutionary state where you realize there is more.

There is more in life than just achievements and material comfort.

And you long to realize that more.

So maybe that's a reason for why.

But to address what Nannika said,

This is one example of a lack that comes through the relationship with our parents.

I needed this,

But I didn't receive that.

I received something else,

But I didn't receive what I really needed.

So you also gave an example of a possible solution.

So I tried to create that myself.

I tried to make that correction myself by realizing that this is what I need.

So I did it through other relationships.

I did it through my boyfriend.

I did it through my friends.

There are many other relationships that can fill us up in that sense,

Because we are more aware of what we lack.

And again,

Of course,

This is a matter of an aware individual that is not automatically reacting to life's events,

But is aware of the powers that motivate him,

The powers that hold him back,

The cravings and aversions.

Not aware of that,

But aware of the lack that was generated when he came to this planet,

As his ego was forming.

And now,

Because that awareness is there,

I'm also able to find other sources to fill those lacks.

Even though,

I will refer to that soon,

The essential lack that we experienced in our initial relationship with our parents,

That lack will never be fulfilled.

Not really.

We can generate substitutes,

But that lack will never be filled.

And that's okay.

It's not supposed to.

And I will soon explain.

Jodi says,

I am myself now a new mother,

And I'm trying to break the chains of anger in parenting that was taught to me by my own mother.

My mother is still in my life,

And while she is better,

She's still angry a lot.

I love her,

But this makes it hard to be a less angry parent in times of stress.

I seek help every day,

Everywhere I can,

But that kind of help is lacking where I am.

Yeah,

So that's definitely one of the classic symptoms of those initial lacks we have with our parents,

That they regenerate.

They say that a child who has been beaten turns to be a father that beats.

And also,

We tend to resume to old patterns and old habits that we learned at home,

If we are not aware of how we are being triggered in that sense.

So again,

This is a work that has to do with developing that awareness.

Instead of repeating those patterns,

You can learn from them and make sure that in your own private life,

In your own private parenting,

They will not repeat.

Because you are aware of that,

And you are not automatically reacting to situations.

For example,

I feel in stressful situations,

I feel that my automatic reactions are violence.

I am violent.

My reaction to stressful situations is violence.

And of course,

You wouldn't be surprised to see if you look back that this is how your father was operating.

And you just repeat that,

Unless you are aware of that pattern that you've soaked as a child.

As a child,

And you choose again and again not to be automatically reacting the same way.

You can choose to act differently,

To react differently.

So awareness is there,

Required on your path.

Anything else before we go down to the house?

Steve says,

None of it was conscious.

As I say,

How would you know what you didn't get?

You wouldn't.

It's when people start telling me what was supposed to be.

That's not my reality.

Knowing what a parent is,

I don't wonder about it.

How do you know what you are lacking?

Sometimes it's very obvious.

Sometimes it's subtle,

And you can use feedback to find it out.

Feedback from friends,

Feedback from a therapist.

You can find ways to look at yourself through that mirroring and investigate what is your entanglement there in that story.

Unless you don't feel there is an entanglement,

Then if it's not broken,

Don't fix it.

Of course,

If you don't feel that there is a problem there,

There is no need to put attention there,

Because what the hell for?

If you look for a problem,

You will find a problem.

But if you don't feel there is a problem,

Then there is no problem.

Excellent,

Move forward.

Most of us have problems in that sense.

He says it's more like a broken perception.

So if you know that there is something entangled there with your relationship with your parents,

And you can't put your finger on it,

You can definitely use some kind of feedback for the friend or for the therapist and find it out.

You can find out.

Usually you should look for the lack.

What were you lacking?

What do you believe you should have received and you didn't receive?

And Ina says,

What if I'm aware and understand everything,

But I still react automatically?

Okay,

So good question.

If I react automatically,

Again,

This is a work of awareness.

Next time you react automatically,

You stop a second after you react and you say,

I didn't mean to do that.

Actually,

I do want to stop that chain reaction,

Automatic reaction.

I want to stop that.

I want to start reacting differently.

Okay,

So next time this happens,

I want to do that one second before the reaction.

And then the next time,

I want to do that and then the next time life brings you that situation,

You say in real time,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

I don't want to react that way.

I want to stop here before that happens.

And next time you stop even one second before that.

And next time,

One second before that.

And next time,

Even if the potential of that reaction is echoing within you,

And you feel that you are contracting again,

And there is frustration built in you,

You'll take a deep breath and you let go and you say,

No,

No,

I prefer an open heart to a closed heart.

You know,

You do that.

This is your practice.

This is your sadhana.

Again and again,

In real time,

You find those situations when you contract and you release before you react.

No,

That's your sankalpa,

That's your determination,

That's your focus.

That's what you want.

You don't want to be a robot.

If they push this button,

I'm reacting.

That's it,

I have no choice in it.

No,

I don't want to do that anymore.

I want to be free of those automatic reactions.

You see,

It comes back to your choice.

This is what I want.

I want to be free.

And there is always you there to choose.

You are bigger than any action,

Any reaction.

You are bigger than any event that you experience.

So you can always be there to choose how you meet reality,

How you react to it.

Build that independent,

Fearless eye that meets reality and interacts with it.

Build that.

This is what spirituality is for.

So you can establish yourself in it.

So sometimes when you say we can choose something,

That feels very intellectual.

I feel like I get confused between an enlightened consciousness and being conscious of something cognitive that's happening.

So I'm wondering,

Does,

I'll probably answer my own question here,

But does meditation and things like somatic body work and body awareness,

Does that help us in those automatic reactions?

Because it's not our cognitive brain that's reacting that way.

It's a different part of our brain that's not actually connecting with the ability to say,

Oh,

Wait,

I don't want to react this way.

So is there something that I can feel in my body or recognize ahead of when I go to that reactive place?

Yeah,

I call it the observer.

The observer experiences that without identifying with it.

So it can always choose.

It's always available to choose.

So when you say the I choose,

Are you speaking about developing that observer part of us to be able to see when that reaction is coming?

Developing,

Okay,

Let's use that word because it's more finding it within you.

It's already there.

It exists.

You're just caught up with events instead of like we did today in the beginning of the session.

Instead of focusing on the clouds,

We're just refocusing and we see the sky behind the cloud.

We are so focused on the changing events that we don't realize there is a background there which is unstained by clouds.

So it's not developing clouds.

The skies are there,

You know,

You don't need to develop the sky.

It's there.

You just need to realize,

To be awakened to its existence.

You are bigger than the passing clouds.

You just need to realize,

Ah,

Yeah,

My consciousness is bigger than everything I experience.

Yeah,

Of course,

Sadhana is there to help you do that,

To help you realize the observer.

And that space of freedom is then created because you're not a victim of circumstances anymore.

Any circumstance can be experienced in the context of free consciousness.

Right.

Remind us what Sadhana is again.

Sadhana is that spiritual practice,

Meditation.

Meditation is that tool.

This is what meditation is for.

It doesn't matter which meditation you practice.

But essentially meditation is there for you to realize there is that observer in you which meets everything.

And there is nothing there that actually can threaten the observer.

So if we don't,

Say,

Develop the observer,

Then it's,

It's,

The useful piece of that is to practice being in that observer mind.

Yes.

You can say we train our system to meet life in that context more and more until it reveals itself to be our nature.

Steve says,

I have that same thing,

Like,

What is something to take its place?

What?

I think he means in something to take the place of the reaction,

Maybe.

Maybe you can clarify for us,

Steve.

I don't understand.

Nannika says she uses an acronym RAIN,

R for recognize the trigger,

A for acknowledge your emotions,

I to investigate the cause or trigger and make a note of what triggered you for future practice,

N for non-identifying.

You are bigger than the passing clouds or triggers.

Nice.

Yeah,

Steve says something to take place of the reaction.

Is there a question,

Though?

Steve,

Do you have a question?

I think you kind of answered his question the way that,

That you described the practice of,

Of the observer.

Okay,

So maybe we can move forward and start discussing the how,

How to heal this relation.

I just have one question before we do that.

I've heard it said that we get addicted to the drama and,

And that's one of the reasons why we stay in that victim role,

Besides the fact that it threatens our identity.

We also are addicted to it and we don't really have the tools that we didn't develop as children through our parents to make healthy connections.

With people.

And so we fall back into that place that we know,

Which is the drama and,

And that way of connecting with each other.

So,

And,

And sometimes that can be really negative and reactionary.

Things that in our striving to connect really disconnects us from people in our relationships as adults.

So how do we recognize when that's what's happening,

That addiction to the drama?

And maybe that leads into what you were going to say about the.

.

.

You know,

Addiction is,

Is an interesting topic.

And we have already discussed it in other sessions.

You can go back to the recordings.

I think there is one in my web page.

You can learn more about addiction.

But in a nutshell,

Addiction is simply something that you cannot stop.

So if you want to make sure if you are addicted to the drama or not,

Try to live without a drama for a week and see,

See if you can manage that.

What does it mean?

It means that you are lovingly accepting the present moment as it is all the time.

And you don't argue and you don't contradict and you don't reject and you don't avoid it.

And you don't hope that something will change.

You blissfully embrace the present moment.

This is living without a drama.

Do it for a week.

See if you can do it without.

If you can,

Then it means that you are not addicted to the drama.

If you find that you fall back again and again into this victim position and you keep blaming reality or other people for your misery,

Then you know that you are addicted.

Christine says,

Neneke nicely explained with the rain.

And Steve says Sadhana,

I guess.

Yeah,

Sadhana is your answer there.

Jodi says a note to being addicted to it.

To add to that,

I find it hard to stay with the change because outside forces like my mom in a way want me to stay in the old habits.

I don't want the old,

But changing is hard because others do not always change with you.

Again,

Don't use that as an excuse.

You don't need others to change for you to change.

You change if you want to change.

Otherwise you just keep on blaming situations and other people for your misery.

Meaning you don't really want to change.

You want to keep yourself in that position of a victim.

So I have a question about that in terms of,

Especially with people that are close to us,

Like our parents or other family members or close friends that we've had longstanding relationships with.

Sometimes it feels like an open heart.

And we've talked about this doormat thing in the past,

Which I have a bit of a problem with,

But the idea of the doormat and the open heart being something that is vulnerable,

How do we know when it's the right thing to say,

Set a boundary or choose not to spend as much time with that person?

I don't want to say push them out of your life,

But sometimes it feels like it gets that extreme where you just don't feel like you can have that person in your life anymore,

Or they're creating more chaos and drama than you need.

If you don't feel you can,

Then know that you are not fully realized yet.

Because a fully realized consciousness realizes that there is no situation that is bigger than what you can experience.

So if you feel that what's happening is too much,

Is overwhelming,

Just know that you have still some growth to do.

Because nothing is bigger than you.

Nothing.

It doesn't matter how extreme the situation is.

That's the reality of it.

You are bigger than any experience you may have.

And how do you know how to set boundaries or how to react to situations accurately?

You just stay aware and make sure that your heart stays open.

And your choice is a choice of love,

Not fear.

You don't choose to do this or that because you are afraid or intimidated or suffering.

This is karma yoga.

When you choose to do something because of fear and suffering.

If your heart is open and the choice is an expression of unconditional love,

Then it will be akarma yoga.

You don't create new karma for yourself and for other people.

And then the reaction or the way you act or choose is accurate,

Is harmonious,

Is pro-life.

It promotes life instead of rejecting it.

This is how you know.

This is the criteria.

If you are contracted,

Then you choose.

Or you are expanded and comfortable at home in the situation.

Now we have to put some time to discuss the how.

Or you want to do it next week.

That's okay also.

Jodi is responding to you saying,

So courage.

It is hard.

She is very much aware I am trying and tries actively to pull me back in at times.

I am trying to change.

You just keep your heart open.

Your mother is trying to do whatever because she loves you and this is the way she feels she needs to protect you.

It's okay.

You just love her and do whatever you think is the right thing for you to do.

As you expand toward an awakened consciousness,

Keep your heart open.

And this leads me to the first how that I want to mention today.

Keep your heart open.

This is a rule that I strongly recommend in any relationship you have with any individual on this planet,

Specifically with your mother and father.

Remember that whatever is given and or was given to you at a certain time,

That's because this is the best time.

This was the version of your mother and your father in real time.

Remember that.

Even if it didn't turn out so fantastic,

And even if it didn't answer all your needs,

What they did was the best they could.

And you received the best of what they had.

It's very important to understand that.

Anybody you meet,

Anybody you ever met,

Is giving you the best they can.

Sometimes they are completely overwhelmed by their own frustration and sadness and misery and drama.

And they are oblivious to the damage they create.

But still,

This is the best they can do.

And if you have that attitude,

It will be much easier to have compassion.

When you feel somebody suffering there in front of you,

What do you do?

You have compassion.

You fill that void with compassion,

With love.

Instead of judging and criticizing and complaining and nailing yourself to that position of a victim.

Make sure you always remember that whatever people give me or not give me,

This is the best they can at a given time.

This is the best they know how to.

Do you see what I mean?

What I'm saying here?

Sometimes it feels like.

.

.

I mean,

I want to think in a black and white way,

So it feels like if I have compassion and see that they're giving the best in that moment,

It erases how I was affected by that and the way that it made me turn out.

Whatever you think it made you turn out,

Let go of the idea that it was a mistake.

It was a terrible accident and it should have been completely different.

Let go of that.

That's a false notion.

I should have been born to different parents in a different circumstance.

Or my parents should have realized way sooner the damage that they created in my life.

As you carry this burden,

I tell you,

You cannot be free.

So is there a way to be free and also feel like what happened is acknowledged or seen?

Acknowledge that.

Yeah,

Definitely.

Acknowledge that my parents gave me the best they could,

But they didn't give me what I needed.

That's okay.

I needed love and they weren't there to love me as I was.

They were full of judgment.

They were full of fear.

They were full of preconditioning.

Whatever.

You know my story with my parents.

Acknowledge that.

But always know that this is the best version they could assume.

What they gave me was the best they had at the given time.

You know when your friend invites you for dinner and he is preparing that dinner with love and care and he buys flowers and set up the whole place to make you feel comfortable and at home.

But the food is disgusting.

So you are not angry at your friend for not making delicious food.

You appreciate the intention,

Even if the outcome was not satisfying.

Same.

Appreciate that.

Your parents brought you to this planet.

They gave you this opportunity to experience life.

Sometimes it's not comfortable,

Sometimes it's more comfortable,

Sometimes it's not easy,

Sometimes it's easy.

Whatever.

Realize that whatever they gave you was the best they could.

This is very important.

There is another thing I want to put a marker on which is very important.

There are two sets of parents that we have a relationship with and too often we mix between those two.

And I want to put a marker on that.

I want to put a marker on that.

There are two sets of parents that we have a relationship with and too often we mix between those two.

The first set of parents we have is the mythological parents.

The parents we had when we were two,

When we were three,

When we were five,

When we were ten.

And they didn't give us what we believe we needed.

These are the mythological parents.

And the second pair are the actual parents that we have today.

20,

30,

40,

50,

60 years later.

These are the elderly people that are currently standing in front of us.

And I tell you,

These are two different sets of parents.

You have to make that differentiation.

My mythological parent died when I was 12,

13,

14.

I became more and more independent.

And whatever I didn't receive from my parents until that point in time,

I didn't need them to provide anymore.

I could start creating other alternatives to my parents.

This is when my mythological parents died.

And now I'm having a relationship with a different set of parents,

Which are not the ones that I had when my ego was developing and I experienced all those wants and needs that were unresolved.

Do you see?

So instead of carrying that demand with me all those years for my mythological parents to my actual parents,

As they are today,

Keep on putting that demand on them,

These elderly couple.

You should provide.

You should do that.

You should stop doing that.

Instead of carrying that burden,

You need to readjust and stop mixing those two relationships.

Those mythological parents that I had when I came to this planet are dead.

And whatever I feel I lack from that relationship cannot be fulfilled by anybody other than myself.

Keep blaming your actual parents about the mistakes of your mythological parents.

We make sure that you'll never escape that cage and be free.

So when you meet your actual parents,

It doesn't matter if they are alive or dead.

When you come today to meet your parents,

Is eye to eye or in their grave,

Make sure that you remember clear as day that whatever your mythological parent did not give you,

You don't need anymore from them.

Attention,

Love,

Warmth,

Whatever you feel you lack,

You don't need from that person that is standing in front of you.

And for all the mistakes and all their misery and all their fear and drama and trauma or whatever,

You just pour love,

Unconditionally and compassion.

That elderly person that stands in front of you today is not that person that you cling to with the hope that you can be filled and you'll be able to use that to fill your void.

This cannot happen.

This is your responsibility now.

You are in charge.

You cannot keep blaming your parents,

Other people,

Situation,

Reality,

The world.

You cannot.

If you want to be free,

You have to take responsibility for that.

If you feel your heart is closed,

Open it.

If you feel you're too afraid to open your heart,

Grow beyond that fear.

It's your responsibility.

It's your calling.

Your father and your mother cannot do that for you.

It's all about you now.

Do you see what I'm saying?

I guess you cut out a little bit.

I hope that we,

I think it was just for a few seconds because they got the gist.

Everyone is doing the best they can with what they have at the time.

Including me.

Yeah.

So BD says,

And the litmus test is to ask yourself,

Am I doing the best I can in this?

Am I doing the best I can in this situation?

That's helped realize compassion and empathy.

Don't put a question mark at the end of this sentence.

I am doing the best I can in every given situation.

And even if my best is full of ignorance,

And there is still a lot for me to learn,

This is still the best I can do.

And even if my decisions are filled with fear,

And my heart is filled with hate,

And I suffer daily,

I do that because this is the best I know how to.

Have compassion,

Not just to other people,

But to yourself as well.

And go beyond that,

If you really want to be free.

But it starts with stop judging yourself,

Criticizing yourself.

I should have been different.

I should have realized.

No,

No,

You shouldn't have.

But you can now.

It just occurred to me that even thinking about this is the best I can do in this moment,

Can just be an excuse to not ever change or grow beyond that.

But that's also a criticism in its own way.

The only criteria to make it very easy is to make sure that you are open.

And if it's not open,

Then make sure it opens the next time you meet the same situation.

And if it doesn't happen the next time,

Then at least you know next time is another opportunity.

But this is what I want.

What do I want?

I want to keep my heart open.

I want to embrace life,

Not to be afraid of life anymore.

Whatever life can suggest,

I embrace that.

And I develop a consciousness of yes,

Instead of no,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

Whatever comes.

Yes.

My mother with her drama and fear.

Yes.

My father with his judgments and preconditioning.

Yes.

Whatever.

So we didn't get to your solutions or whatever else.

Yes,

We did.

Okay.

So Jeremy,

I'm just noting the time or 10 minutes over our hour here.

But Jeremy asked an important question.

What about if my mother did it back then but doesn't give me what I need nowadays in the last five to 10 years?

Read my lips.

My mother doesn't need to give me anything anymore.

How do I know that?

Because she doesn't give me what I think I need.

That's the reality of it.

Stop that dependency.

You are not a kid anymore.

Your mythological mother died.

I'm sorry to say.

I'm sorry to bear the sad news.

She died when you were 13,

12.

That's it.

Now it's your responsibility.

Your mother is not supposed to and cannot and will not give you what you think you need,

Whatever it is.

You know,

She needs to love me.

She needs to appreciate me.

She needs to reconfirm me.

Whatever.

No,

She needs to create a safe space for me.

No,

No,

No,

And no.

It's your responsibility.

You do that.

You wake up,

Realize you are that.

It's your work.

It's your responsibility.

Let go of your parents if you want to be free.

What else?

I think we covered it all.

Everybody's very thankful for this.

So two things for you to practice this week,

This coming week.

It's not just a philosophical idea.

You go to your parents,

Dead or alive,

Go to them,

Look them in the eyes and tell them,

I love you and I don't need anything back in return.

And I know you did the best you could.

I know that you did the best you could.

You gave me the best version of you as you could in real time.

The best that you know how to.

And if you are a parent yourself,

Go to your child,

Look him in the eye and tell them,

I love you unconditionally.

Not because of who you are or what you do,

But because you are my son,

You are my daughter.

I love you for that.

And this will never change.

Know that.

I don't need anything from you.

I don't even need you to be happy.

You know,

All those parents that said,

The only thing I want from you is to be happy.

And if you want to know how to be happy,

I will tell you how to be happy.

No,

No,

I don't even need you to be happy.

I don't need anything from you.

I love you because you are.

And I know that in every given moment you are doing the best you can and you're giving the best version of you as best as you know how.

Do that.

Go to your parents,

Go to your siblings,

No,

To your son and daughter and tell them that.

Let go,

Let go of those chains and be free.

One last question.

So Jeremy says,

If my mom were a friend of mine,

I would cut her out of my life.

There is no use for me in our relationship.

Well,

She reminds me to be mindful.

There is no use for me?

This is ego saying.

Ego is saying,

What will I gain out of this?

I think that's what he means.

He's quoting.

OK,

Good.

He's understanding what you're saying.

Good.

Ego is saying,

I need,

I need,

I need,

I need.

So you grow beyond that.

I don't need.

That's the meaning of going beyond your ego.

I don't need.

Definitely not from you,

Mother or father.

You are released from that duty.

I release you.

So Laurie says,

And does that mean we don't need to give parents what they need now if we are doing our best in the moment?

Don't the rules reverse as our parents age?

Is this another conversation?

Yeah,

Yeah,

You know,

Our parents age and they need our support and attention more than they did when they were younger.

Definitely be there if you can.

Make sure your heart stays open and an unconditional love flows through that heart and how it materialize as your choices and your actions.

This will be the consequences of your open heart.

Don't worry about that.

Your open heart will know what to do with your parents and with the rest of the world.

You just make sure your heart keeps open.

Jacqueline says,

This is healing my whole family line.

Irene says,

This is profound.

Thank you.

Especially that old pair of my parents who are no more.

I'm wondering if a topic that kind of flows out of this that I thought of through this talk is healthy relationships and trust.

So I'm wondering if we can have that discussion next time.

Definitely.

Sounds appetizing for sure.

Trust.

And why is it so important in a relationship?

Next week,

Sorry,

This coming Saturday,

We can do that.

Same time.

And Carly will be joining us,

But not on the physical realm,

But online.

So we'll have to make do with that.

Yeah,

I don't know how we're going to figure that out technologically,

But we'll do it somehow.

And Neneka says,

We should have a discussion on how to keep our heart open.

Yes,

An open,

And Laurie says,

Yes,

An open heart is a good discussion for me too.

So maybe that will flow out of the trust and healthy relationships.

Wow.

Sounds good.

Thank you.

Thank you,

People,

For your attention and your kind questions.

They really helped with this discussion.

And thank you for your donations.

And invite your friends to come over this Saturday,

Same time,

And we can make a party out of it.

Jeremy's asking about the recordings.

I will post the recording of this session.

So in a few days,

I hope you can find it on my webpage.

And there is a WhatsApp group that you can join as well to ask any further follow-up questions on the website as well.

Urthat.

Org.

The letter U,

The letter R,

And the word that.

Org.

You can find us there.

Jai Gurav.

Good night.