Job Quitting, People Pleasing & Boundaries

When we are people pleasers, we often deny our needs and turn our backs from what seems right for us because we don't allow ourselves, whether because we feel worthless and/or unsafe. The workplace can be the scene of one's repression of their needs and a real challenge for self-esteem and self-image. Here's a small piece of real-life experiment with kindness, acceptance, and insight that lead from lack of self to some certainty found in the Tao.

Transcript

So I have a story to share with you that is about kind of my journey with a lifelong struggle that slowly merged into a realization that alleviated the weight that I was bearing for a very long time and it did not happen magically I still have some traces of that weight it's definitely something that takes practice but today's story is about how to quit your job mindfully without shame and how to move on from the places that you have to leave behind and that is something that can be especially hard to do if you're a person who would consider themselves more like a people pleaser and that you have the tendency to stick around simply by fear of disappointing others so the workplace can be a challenging boundary testing experiment you can feel like as an employee your needs are not being taken into account or your voice is not heard you can feel and be disrespected by colleagues employers or managers taking for granted belittled or treated differently because of who you are as a person for a long time I felt like I had no right to stand up for myself when I was at work I had to smile all the time brush off everything that was unpleasant with a shrug and say yes to everything otherwise I was scared I'd get fired in the worst case or at the very least talked down to by managers or older colleagues and since like in most of my jobs I was usually on great terms with everybody I've always felt like I owed something to them I wanted them to keep liking me and I didn't have the courage to say no to them because I was scared it would alter our dynamic at the time my self-esteem was pretty much at an all-time low I couldn't fully accept who I was I was ashamed of a lot of things about myself and it was hard to set boundaries because I didn't fully accept these things in the first place also I was convinced that I was different like an imposter in disguise that had to suck in my true nature for the time of my work shift I felt like most of my values and my thoughts and feelings were not welcome I was scared of being judged if I was fully myself of being treated like an outsider and to experience more invalidation invalidation was a big problem for me at the time due to experiences that were still recent and I can say that I felt really empty as if what I wanted for myself had a band in my body and been replaced with what I thought others wanted from me and deep down I thought quite poorly of myself so at the time if somebody were to tell me that I was strange or that I was an imbecile that would have completely destroyed me so I didn't have the guts to interact freely I think I felt more or less constant shame I was just waiting to be called out as an improper being and the problem with the workplace was that thin line between the professional and the personal for instance you have to be chosen by the boss to be hired so from day one I felt like I had to prove that I was worthy and one way of doing that for me was extreme agreeableness even though I resented it from the inside it's like I merged completely into the professional role and mostly denied the rest of myself not knowing how both could co-exist because I've been made to feel inappropriate and for me the workplace was the scene of normal proper people who behave and think and feel a certain way I felt like some weirdo that had to hide and pretend so you can imagine how hard it was for me to say no and furthermore to quit because I didn't feel capable of prioritizing myself and I did not recognize that self to begin with so I didn't necessarily knew what I was supposed to prioritize anyway I was such a people pleaser that it was almost all-consuming with time I slowly merged into a healthier mindset I discovered some of my boundaries I met myself and started to get to know me better but still people pleasing and lack of self and worthlessness is a weak spot that takes practice and dedication to overcome to this day I tend to still be scared of judgment it is something I am still working on and yesterday I had to do something that was really hard for me which was to quit a job the first day of work after an absence of three months so I worked at a place for a couple of months and then I left for three months then I told my boss that I could come back and then after one day I realized that I couldn't make it the day was excruciating for me and I just knew in my guts that in the end the job did not fit my needs anymore there's nothing I could do about it I wasn't doing a favor to my mental and physical health and I could not deny that there was more costs than benefits for me if I kept this job it appeared clearly to me that the only string that kept me attached to the job was the feeling of owing something to my boss and my colleagues because I was scared that they would take it the wrong way and judge me as a bad the response of all untrustworthy person realizing that I had to quit put me in a state of profound discomfort because I felt like I simply could not do such a thing almost as if I had no right to do so why because I thought that for most people what I did would sound stupid leaving three months and then coming back for one day initially saying that you're ready to work but then you realize you can't make it and you leave for good unexpectedly without a two-week notice I could almost hear the voices of people of my past telling me that I'm ridiculous that I should have known better as if it was always possible to predict these sorts of things I'm here to tell you it's not experience will tell you what you need and sometimes we think we're ready for something we try to force ourselves to keep up the speed in expectation lane but in the end we're heading in the wrong direction and it's never too early or too late to come across the realization that something does not serve us and so I was scared to tell my boss that I wanted to quit I felt like I was going to be judged maybe he would criticize my choice maybe he would ask a ton of questions maybe he would get angry at me or annoyed and in the past whenever I wanted to quit I often found excuses I would invoke intense reasons to really make sure no one would question my choice or make me feel bad it was a way to hide my true motivations and how I really felt because deep down again I thought that my values would be judged and that I had to keep them to myself under the veil of what I thought was more acceptable for people to hear and that is a behavior that I really wanted to leave behind it was a form of self repression and shame and I really wanted to be done with it it was a way to perpetuate the idea within myself that my values and my feelings were not adequate and that people could simply not receive them and understand them ever which is not true of course no matter how much of a weirdo you think you are emotions and needs are a profound human thing and when you speak from a place of kindness 90% of human beings will receive your words with the same kindness I realized I had to step out of the motions of justifying myself and trying to get people to agree with me it's beyond arguments and reason it's about being human and speaking from your heart it's about not wanting to hide anymore it's about leaving behind the idea that you're not worthy of speaking your truth speaking your mind in the context of what took place yesterday I had to quit because of the anxiety that the job was giving me and it was scary to me to share that information with my boss I feared that he would judge me or think of me differently that he would ask me to give details and justify it that he would even laugh at me and make me feel bad about it I really imagined the worst possible outcomes because somehow I felt like there was no way he would not judge me I had this strong pressure to invent something a reason that could appear more tangible and that could even make it seem completely external to me but I just felt tired of inventing stuff why not simply come out and say listen here's the thing it's gotten too stressful for me and I realize I really can't do it anymore that's it it doesn't have to be dramatic it doesn't have to contain more personal details this is the plain truth stated simply and there's nothing wrong about it there's no need to disguise the truth so not only was I highly worried about seeming normal or not and being judged or disliked but I also felt bad for the people I thought I was letting down I felt for them and I was scared that they would take it as a personal offense as well I thought about it and reflected on what meditation and Buddhist wisdom had taught me and I wrote down in my journal being honest and genuine in a conversation is not only respecting you but also by respecting yourself in naming your needs you are respecting them the other person as a being by making them worthy of receiving this authenticity and being treated as an equal as the Dow that lives in them and invites them to forget their ego for the time of the exchange to pause the tenseness of the game of life and listen to something real that they recognize within themselves as your action speaks from the core of human identity this is the pulse that is speaking for you and by speaking the pulse you are creating harmony so I have no idea if this paragraph specifically made sense but this was a spontaneous moment of realization that came out this way when I basically realized how much being simple truthful and honest was just better for everyone in this situation everyone can grow and benefit from the experience of acceptance a couple days earlier I had initiated that reflection without knowing it when I wrote don't forget you are the Dow and you are a fragment of the universe just like anyone else is therefore there is no distinction between how you treat yourself and how you treat others nor between how you treat yourself and how others treat you all of that is the same dynamic when you treat yourself good the world treats you good so as this idea was flourishing in the back of my mind my perspective on quitting changed I saw the act of quitting as a gesture of love for myself in a way of honoring the life that has been given to me as well as respect toward my boss and colleagues because being transparent with someone else coming at them with honesty and kindness is honoring their being as well by making them worthy of your trust and treating them as an equal just treating them as another kind soul trying to find its own way which they are and by doing that you are teaching yourself to let go to trust the kindness and understanding of others and even if you come across people one day who are impervious to your kindness at least you owe it to yourself to be kind and being kind is boundless being kind to others is a way to be also kind to yourself because you're making unconditional love and compassion grow inside of you instead of harboring anger hatred resentment I'm not saying that you have to stick around people who treat you badly please don't do that but address yourself kindly to people and then if they're not responding with the same level of respect continue your journey past them remain unmoved because you know then that you did the right thing and so yesterday when I called my boss I did not try to make it seem more complicated than it was I did not try to create an image of myself I just told him what it was from human being to human being and I did not get lost into military explanations and he did not get mad in fact he was quite nice so it's been a good experience because I've had some bad experiences revolving around that and it allowed me to see for myself that there was good people out there who are not gonna try to shame you for what you're going through and for being honest I figured I was probably not alone in this situation and I wanted to get this out there because if I could just reach out to one person who could feel validated by this I would really feel grateful and my struggle would actually have contributed to something great so if you made it this far thank you for listening and don't forget that you are worthy and that you're nothing to be ashamed of I really mean it unconditionally there is nothing inside of you that you have to resent or to be ashamed of whoever you are whenever you are listening to this you are a part of nature and you're not an outsider those who make you feel like an outsider don't know their own selves and it's okay too but it's not your fault and you're not weird so honor yourself honor your life because you matter

Reviews

Absolutely excellent! A story from the heart expressed with clarity and deep caring.

So very helpful, great perspective on how to navigate a challenging work environment.

Thank you so much! This was perfect to hear as I am resigning tomorrow after 8 years. Your story was very helpful for me

This was exactly what I needed to hear today! I’m submitting my two weeks notice and I feel anxious about it even though I’ve done it many times before. Thank you!

Thank you so much for this; it really helped me make my decision. I’m in the same situation at work, and I can’t thank you enough for this little snippet of your life.

Thank you so much for this. I quit my job today because it didn’t serve me. I was made to feel like I did something wrong and felt ashamed. I did what was right for my mental health and myself.

I don’t feel so weird. Thank for sharing all of this, I have felt similarly and you have made sense of it for me. Thank you.

I’m so glad I listened to this today! I had a difficult time today with a coworker, not the first time, and I feel better about speaking up for myself ! Thank you so much!

This was fantastic. I really appreciate the vulnerable, earnest nature of this talk. I feel so supported and confident in my choice to leave a job a month ago that no longer served, and inspired to pursue my true passion. Thank you very much and my best wishes to you as you move forward 🥰

That was so helpful. Perfect timing to come across this. Thank you

This was so valuable to me. I've been healing - for two years - from being gaslit after dropping out of a really abusive PhD program experience. Hearing you say this has really helped me immensely. I was shamed for being hurt by the harm around me. I didn't even realize it until you said this. Thank you. Thank you. So much.

I am also people pleaser. And I also had some inner turmoil when I decided to quit my current job. And I still have twangs of guilt and fear I’m disappointing the few friends I have at work as head towards my end date. But I know I’m making the right decision for myself.

Thank you for sharing your story. I’m in a similar situation ❤️

A very personal account that truly hits home as I make the decision to leave my own job that I feel separates me from who I am and who I want to become. Thank you.

I’m going through a tough time at the moment with work related stress and anxiety. Thank you so much for this, it really helped 🩷

Wowvthis came at the perfect time for me!
I am going through this. How you described it, and how I feel some kind of obligation to continue even when it is making me feel so miserable.
Thank you so much.

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟this came at the perfect time for, as I am dealing with something similar 🙏thank you for this wonderful wisdom

Thank you for sharing, I am in the same situation and it was helpful to hear this :)

Thank you for this gift. I don’t know if it was your strategy, but what was most impactful, is, you told your story in a way where your story intentionally connects to the listener, where the listener would intentionally recognize their faults. In 2017, when I met a human being that I felt was in complete psychological control of their free will and was a reflection of the way they thought the world could possibly be…that person in 2017 could talk to 20 people at once, and you didn’t know if they were actually speaking directly to you. This is what I loved about your clip, and, again, thank you for that gift.

I’m a writer and I updated it after this clip: by loving, respecting yourself, and by first giving to yourself…. you naturally love, respect, and give to those who authentically love you in return. Thank you for this, it touched my inner core.

All is well, with love in my light.
Kirk♍️

Exactly what I needed to hear today. Thank you