Befriending Anxiety

Befriending anxiety is a practice of learning to meet our own fear and anxiety with curiosity and grace. As counter-intuitive as it may sound, the more we seek to avoid fear, the stronger it becomes. We can develop an alternative strategy of self-compassion, befriending the very state we once sought to avoid. As we do, anxiety finds the space to free itself.

In this meditation, we follow five easy steps: pause, notice, breathe, surround and befriend. These can be used as a formal meditation (as demonstrated here) or memorized and practiced more rapidly on the spot when anxiety arises. As with any emotional pattern, it is important not to rely on meditation as a sole panacea. If anxiety is acute, it is important to seek professional help.

Transcript

Befriending feelings is a practice of meeting difficult states with grace.

It is a practice of sitting with whatever arises,

Even unpleasant feelings,

And making friends with them.

This is an alternative to the way we often meet feelings,

With strategies of escape,

Avoidance,

Suppression,

Control,

Indulgence,

Or self-judgment.

A practice of befriending feelings provides us with another option.

We gradually learn not only to tolerate what arises,

But to welcome it and take it onto our path.

To befriend a difficult feeling,

We begin with pausing.

Pausing helps us find the mental and emotional space to sit with whatever is arising.

So first,

Let's pause.

If you're able to,

Sit down and perhaps close your eyes.

Take a few slow,

Deep breaths.

This is a way to slow down and settle so that you can focus on your inner state.

Now that you have paused,

Turn your attention away from the story or trigger for your anxiety.

This might be a challenge at first because we tend to fixate there on the story or the trigger.

Use your breath as a place to take your attention.

This is not a permanent dismissal.

It is a letting go for now of the story so that you can pay attention to the feelings the story evokes.

You need to let go so that you can develop a relationship to the anxiety itself.

Now turn your attention to the body.

Where is this feeling of anxiety arising in the body?

How do you feel it in the belly,

The heart,

The chest,

The shoulders,

The back,

The neck,

The face,

Or the head?

Notice where it lives.

Now notice the quality of the feeling there.

What is this feeling of anxiety like?

Is it heavy or light?

Is it tight,

Constricted?

Does it seem to be floating or is it lodged somewhere?

Now breathe some space into this feeling.

Inhale into the part of your body where you can feel the anxiety and exhale from that place.

Let your awareness and let self-compassion flow into and around this space you are creating with the breath.

This is a gentle,

Kind attention that moves into your body to surround the feeling like water surrounds an island or like warm air moves through the verdant branches of a tree in springtime.

It is an awareness that comes alongside your feeling.

It comes alongside the feeling like a good friend might come alongside you at a moment when you need someone to listen.

The attention,

The awareness you are bringing to your anxiety does not have an agenda.

It is not there to fix anything or dismiss anything.

It does not judge or label.

It has no plans for your feeling.

This compassionate awareness says to your feeling,

I am not going to dismiss you or suppress you.

I am not going to avoid or constrain you.

I am not even going to try to fix you.

I am just here to be with you.

You are welcome here.

I will be your friend.

Notice how this kind of awareness affects your feeling.

Hit with whatever arises.

Whatever is there,

Just notice.

Stay open.

Stay curious.

If the anxiety remains activated and tense,

You can repeat the process.

Pause.

Notice the physical feeling.

Notice the quality of that feeling.

Breathe into that part of the body.

Let this kind,

Non-judgmental awareness surround it.

Let go of the need to rid yourself of something.

Instead,

Come alongside it.

Befriend.

If the tendency to want to fix,

Escape,

Dismiss,

Or abandon comes up,

Just notice.

This is the remedial mind.

When it arises,

Befriend that.

Whatever form it is taking.

Take your resistance into the same process.

Pause.

Notice in the body.

Breathe.

Surround.

And befriend.

Gradually,

You will notice the feeling of anxiety shift.

As it starts to trust that you are not going to treat it with aversion,

Your feeling begins to feel safe with you.

When it feels safe,

Eventually the anxiety begins to relax and open.

What is this like when anxiety releases?

What is the space of release like?

Notice how it feels in the body.

Well here in this openness without everting.

Let go now even of the project of befriending.

It is enough to stay here in the present moment just as you are.

This moment of awareness is luminous.

This moment of awareness is naturally spacious.

This moment is free as it is.

Even the mind that looks for something to do arises when you begin grasping after a project.

Remind yourself to let go.

Letting go is a practice.

To conclude the meditation of befriending,

Turn your attention again to the anxiety you began with.

Right now it might feel like a memory.

Or it might return the moment you think of it.

Either way,

End your practice with a bow to this anxiety and a dedication.

Deep gratitude,

Beautiful feeling.

Thank you for providing motivation for my practice.

Thank you for awakening my self-compassion.

Thank you for showing me the luminous space of the present moment.

Relying on you,

Beautiful feeling,

I will develop compassion for others.

Relying on you,

Beautiful feeling,

I will awaken.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Reviews

As a Zen student working with koans, I tend to shy away from guided meditations (other than those on Insight Timer that I use to help me fall back asleep in the middle of the night). But I’d been finding my morning meditation hijacked (or, rather, self-hijacked) as I ruminated on personal and collective anxieties, either wallowing in the thoughts and feelings or, worse, straining to push them away. Neither, of course, allows for presence or intimacy with the moment, much less insight.

I’ve started working with this practice of getting close to and friendly with my anxiety before beginning koan contemplation, and it has helped me find a spaciousness—even freedom—with, rather than apart from, anxiety, and that has been a real gift.

So nice. Great to see my anxiety and Witness That, even if it doesn’t go, being with it makes it more easy to tolerate. Thank you !

Very, very helpful. I will definitely practice the breathing when I’m feeling very small or stupid or shaky. My goal will be to allow the feeling in a compassionate way, just like accepting a new friend.

This is transformative and beautiful. Thank you so much 💕🙏🏼

Thank you for reminding me that my anxiety is often a teacher and a motivator when I pay attention

Just right. I’m always trying to be Better. But that often arises from being critical of where I am right now. Let me be Accepting of Now! However that Now feels. Now! Acceptance! Now! Peace with what is! Peace with me (and them!) Now!

This felt great. Your voice is soothing and compassionate.
Thank you. 🙏🏻❤️😇✨️

i got to remember what it feels like to show up for myself and my anxiety. i am committed to create compassion in my life for myself and others.

This meditation is a wonderful gift to all beings. Thank you. Namaste. C

Thank you for the reminder that I can get through hard things.

This is an incredible meditation. I highly recommend it for anyone suffering from anxiety. Thank you!

I've been realizing more & more lately how I've been exiling many of my emotions, instead of feeling them. This takes it even further, with befriending them - and I had just read in The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel van der Kolk, MD that I need to befriend my "heartbreaking and gut-wrenching sensations." Thank you for one more tool for learning how to do that.

Excellent somatic type meditation. Worked like a charm. Thank you

This was a really helpful, calming, and soothing meditation to help both accept and process the feelings of anxiety. I loved this idea of making a safe place for this feeling to be. And in doing so, this enables the learning to happen. And I appreciate the quiet spaces throughout the meditation. A great process overall.

I like this concept of leaning into what scares you. Thank you

Not so much a meditation but a very helpful exercise nonetheless.

A wonderful message and practice: thank you for awakening self-compassion, dear anxiety!

Excellent guidance to facing the anxiety we all avoid!!! Highly recommend 😌

Very insightful and profound… the not wanting to fix is challenging! Thank you 🙏

That was excellent!! I really needed that today !!! Ty