Mothers And Daughters

Sometimes, our relationships with our children are not as we wish them to be. We may have expectations, unmet needs, and feel hurt when our children are estranged. This talk is for those who seek to create more connections with their children. We will use some journaling prompts as well as a visualization working with Ho’oponopono, a traditional Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness.

Transcript

Hello friends,

I'm Debra and I'm so grateful to be here with you today.

This talk is probably one of the most heartbreaking and difficult experiences we can have as a parent,

Being estranged from our children.

Whether it's by our decision or theirs,

It takes a toll on us mentally,

Physically,

And spiritually.

It's my hope and intention that by sharing my experience and one of my practices here today,

That you too may find ease in this crazy journey we call life.

Today's talk is about my daughter,

And she knows I'm doing this talk,

But this talk can be applied to any child regardless of gender.

And I also want to add a disclaimer,

I'm not a therapist,

So if you're experiencing intense anxiety,

Depression,

Or emotions that don't reside,

Please reach out to a professional or someone who can guide you further than this talk can take you.

And if you'd like to reach out to me,

I can be found here on Insight Timer,

Or me on my webpage,

WeBeYogis.

Com.

As a mother of two daughters,

I've danced the wild ride of estrangement with both of them,

Sometimes more than once.

And to own my share of the equation,

I acknowledge I've made mistakes as a person,

A friend,

And as a mother to my children.

There were times I worked too long,

Lived too far away,

Didn't say what I mean,

And didn't mean what I said.

I avoided way too many conversations because I didn't have the knowledge,

Skills,

And abilities at that time.

My oldest daughter and I were always on the cusp of what seemed to be a breakup.

Our relationship was tenuous,

And at times,

You know,

Sometimes it was light and really easy,

And other times it was heavy and dark,

And there was conflict.

As a teenager,

My daughter dissed me.

She would refuse to talk to me and refuse to join me and her sister.

She just didn't want any part of me.

And she made it pretty clear she preferred her dad over me.

And at that time,

I was naive.

I bought into what society said about teenagers,

That they'll get over it,

And it was a phase,

They'll come around,

And little did I know it was grooming.

Those behaviors would have an impact on our relationship for the rest of our lives.

And for that part of it,

My unknowing and my inabilities,

I have to own that part of our history.

As my daughter grew older,

Our relationship got worse.

It didn't get better.

So eventually,

I stopped trying.

I did it for me.

It was hurting too much,

And I had to surrender.

I went and started working on myself.

My daughter,

And as I look back on it,

My daughter was the mirror to the parts of myself that I could not see.

And I'll just speak to myself when I say this.

I don't compartmentalize well.

How I was showing up in one area of my life,

To varying degrees,

Was showing up in other areas,

Such as work,

Friends,

Significant others,

And whatnot.

People told me I was too blunt,

Too direct,

Too honest,

Etc.

,

Etc.

,

And I was always saying the wrong things,

Not just to my daughter.

And I was unable to carry highly charged emotional conversations.

I would get flooded by emotions.

So I decided to change all this,

And more to the point,

I decided I was not going to not have a relationship with my daughter.

I entered into an intentional communication training program with my teacher,

Cynthia Kane,

And it changed my world.

Even though I had been meditating consistently,

I needed a tribe,

And I needed a teacher.

For the first time,

I began to notice the impact of my thinking brain on my outer world.

I started to distinguish between the thoughts in my head and the realities of what was occurring.

When my daughter didn't respond to a text,

Instead of thinking,

She doesn't love me,

She's not kind,

I just acknowledged she hasn't responded.

And that was it.

I had to learn to control my thoughts so that I could control my feelings.

Feelings plus thoughts are our emotions.

My relationship with my daughter today is not perfect,

But we are together,

Still supporting each other,

And providing more love towards each other every day.

And for that,

I am so grateful.

It started small,

Friends.

It wasn't this big,

Huge life event that happened that brought us together.

It was being able to be in the same space.

And I'm just not talking about physical space.

I had to make space in my heart to love her.

I had to make space to see the goodness in her.

Our children are on their own journeys,

And if we can't see them in a positive and loving light,

Then who else can?

I know there are mothers out there and daughters too struggling with their adult relationships,

And what I've learned that guides me most with my adult daughter is and was that she doesn't need a teacher,

A mother,

Or an advisor.

She doesn't need a critic,

She has her own,

And life is hard.

What she needs is a wise woman who can hold space for all of her mistakes and love her through them.

She needs someone to see her shadow side and still love and accept her.

And that's it.

For us to see our children's pain,

We must first see our own.

Too often we're caught up in our own needs of right and wrong,

And we're unable to see the needs of our children.

So the first step in moving towards a more loving and kind relationship with your adult child is to take a long,

Deep look at your pain.

What expectations do you have around your daughter?

Are there shadows,

Which are negative aspects of yourself that you're not seeing?

What questions aren't you asking yourself?

And where do you hurt?

If you want to take some time to journal those questions,

Or if you want to pause the talk or come back to the talk later and answer those questions,

Please feel free to do as you need.

The answers to the questions will begin your healing.

This is an opportunity for shining a light on where may be some darkness within yourself and to really dig down and get honest with yourself.

So with honesty,

Then becomes forgiveness.

I had to forgive myself for all the times I wasn't a great mother.

The times I let her down,

Hurt her,

And the times I may have made her feel unloved,

Judged,

Or unaccepted as she is.

And whether it was intentional,

Unintentional,

Knowingly or unknowingly,

I had to forgive myself.

And that forgiveness practice I did over several months,

And it was so healing.

When we heal ourselves,

We heal the generations behind us and the generations ahead of us.

I'm going to lead you through a practice that is near and dear to me.

Ho'opono'opono is a mantra for healing relationships.

The Hawaiian word ho'opono'opono roughly translates to make things right or to make things move back to balance.

It's a traditional Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness.

It's used as a way for families,

Friends,

Communities,

Instead of shunning each other,

To be able to move towards connection with love and forgiveness.

The four phrases we'll be using today are,

I'm sorry,

Please forgive me,

Thank you,

I love you.

I'll make a statement and then we'll state these four phrases.

We'll begin with some breath work for centering and then I'll guide you through the practice.

Again,

I'll use the word daughter.

If there is someone else,

Another person,

Name,

Pronoun you prefer to use,

Please do.

Make this your own.

Use what works for you.

So friends,

Let's find our seats.

If being in an upright position is not comfortable for you,

You're more than welcome to find a position where your spine can be straight and supported.

To begin,

Let's take a few breaths.

Your eyes can be closed or open.

Let's begin by breathing in through the nose and out through the nose.

If your nose is stuffy at all,

You can breathe through your mouth.

It's totally fine.

I'm just starting to notice the sensations around your breath.

If need be,

Relaxing the eyes,

The jaw,

Your shoulders and belly.

Breathing in and breathing out.

Let's all take a long breath in and a longer breath out.

Breathing in and out.

Emptying your lungs without force.

Just noticing and starting again with the in-breath.

Now take a nice inhale,

The longest inhale of your day,

Followed by the longest exhale of your day.

Let's do that a couple more times.

Inhale without force,

Taking it all in.

And exhaling without force,

Just letting all the air out.

One more time.

When you're ready,

Just coming back to our normal breath.

The rise and the fall,

The in and the out of the breath.

Start to bring your attention to the area of your forehead and the space between your eyebrows and your third eye chakra.

See the back of your forehead or the inside of your forehead as a blank screen.

Begin to bring your attention from that screen outward to a place,

A space or an environment that brings you ease.

Maybe you see an ocean or a prairie.

Maybe it's the mountains.

Maybe it's a river or a lake.

See yourself walking towards this beautiful place.

As you're walking,

See your daughter walking towards you.

As you move towards your daughter,

Look upon her with love.

If that's hard or not possible,

See your daughter's clothing,

Her hair.

Maybe see a hopeful or loving expression on her face.

Come to stand close enough to touch her heart with your left hand.

Through the touch of your left hand on her chest,

Feel the shared ground between the two of you.

Hear the noises that you both hear.

Take in the scents that you both smell.

See the beauty that surrounds you both in this container.

Looking at your daughter,

State the following.

.

.

For all the times I didn't understand what you needed,

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

For all the times I was unable to care for you in the way you needed,

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

For all the things I said,

Didn't say,

Or said wrong,

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

For all the pain and hurt I have caused intentionally,

Unintentionally,

Knowingly,

Or unknowingly,

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

If there's something else you'd like to say to your daughter,

Maybe repeat a previous verse or make your own,

Please take a moment to do so.

Then you can state,

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

See if with your left hand you can feel the connection between the two of you.

In feeling that connection,

Where do you feel that in your body?

Noticing any sensations that may be arising.

If you are so moved to do so,

You may place your hands,

Your left hand over your heart,

And your right hand on your belly or anywhere that brings ease and comfort.

See yourself giving your daughter a hug.

While the two of you are hugging,

Take some deep breaths in and out together.

Maintaining that connection.

Feeling those sensations.

Sending love.

When you're ready,

See yourself taking a few steps back.

Taking your daughter's hand and saying,

Thank you.

I love you.

Begin to come back to your body and back to your breath.

See behind your forehead,

That third eye,

The screen.

Move your attention down to the center of your chest,

Your heart chakra.

If you'd like to,

You can bring your hands to the prayer mudra at your chest.

Give a little pressure,

Thumbs to chest and chest to thumbs.

Lokasamasta Sukhanno Bhavantu.

May all beings be free and may my words,

Thoughts,

And actions contribute to the happiness and freedom of all beings.

With that,

My friends,

I thank you for our time together.

It is my greatest wish that this has brought you a sense of ease and comfort.

Many blessings.

Reviews

This was really sweet! I happened to attend a live session with you and then looked at your profile for tracks to listen to. I’m currently feeling distant and in danger of becoming estranged from one of my adult daughters, so the timing is serendipitous. The story and practice is so hopeful and comforting! I will listen often. Thank you 🙏🏽