Why Are We Blaming Men?

This lecture may be of benefit to those experiencing relationships where domestic violence is present. In relationships where there appears to be an imbalance of power, we tend to focus on men as being at 'fault'.

Here, I touch upon some my own experiences surrounding domestic violence to show that an essence of equality exists in fear-based, co-dependant relationships.

From this perspective the idea of blame is unhelpful if we wish to animate tangible positive change.

Transcript

Well,

Hello everyone,

And welcome back to Unpopular Opinion.

My name is Virginia Robin.

I'm a modern shaman and lawyer.

This episode is called Why Are We Blaming Men?

It seems that social media of late is brimming with fault-finding fingers pointed squarely at particularly disagreeable male conduct,

Such as sexual abuse,

Harassment,

Domestic violence,

And inequality.

And these types of behaviors,

It is said,

Generally arises within relationships as a result of power imbalances in favor of men.

Now whilst the energy signature in each particular instance is similar,

I'm going to touch upon domestic violence to illustrate why continuing to apportion blame is not the answer if we want to animate a tangible change.

My qualifications on the issue of domestic violence spans my lifetime.

I experience coercive behaviors,

Including death threats from men in my life,

Which resulted in limitations being placed on my life choices.

My understanding of the male population at that time was that they were very,

Very angry individuals indeed.

Do I blame them?

Am I a victim?

No.

No,

I'm not.

In fact,

Men showed me,

These men showed me,

I needed to learn how to free up my capacity to make my own choices.

More loving ones.

Now why is this opinion unpopular?

Because people find it hard to be kind to the seemingly unkind.

People don't want to show compassion toward people that seem to be hurting other people and taking away their freedoms.

But there is no I in team.

It was just over two years ago now that I sat in the family court of Australia's safe room as a client in my own family law case.

With around 10 other women safely stowed in that room,

We were protected from our estranged partners who,

To me,

It was very interesting to see,

Were free to roam the courtroom.

We were locked in that stuffy room on a hot day and it felt like imprisonment to me on some level.

Poetry really.

For as I will explain,

We had imprisoned ourselves.

Our world is always reflecting our beliefs back to us.

As we each sat there waiting for our individual barristers,

Our lawyers,

To report back with the filtered negotiations,

We each exchanged pleasantries with a common denominator resembling what are you in for?

Of course,

Trusted bonds formed at this level as the day passed.

One woman giggled in relief as she reflected on the feelings of that poor woman whose ex-partner was shouting in the courtroom foyer earlier in the day.

Knowing looks were exchanged between us.

I confessed that whilst that particular estranged might have had once a deep connection to me,

I was no longer that poor woman.

I pointed out that my present state of confinement,

That mini-prison I was sitting in,

Arose in directly from my own past choices.

I was an enabler.

I had the choice to assert my boundaries at the beginning of the relationship,

But instead what I did was allow his advances to encroach into my space despite the very loud signals I received at the time to run for the hills.

For some reason,

And these women agreed with me,

I had felt powerless to walk away.

This of course was an illusion based on my own belief systems.

Around 29 years before I left,

My apparently,

My seemingly,

The unlovable self I believed was there,

Needed someone to love me.

His dubious behaviour back then just simply justified my fantasies like,

Oh if I was more perfect everything will be okay,

Oh next time,

Oh he's sorry and this is fine,

It'll all be good,

We'll have that happily ever after.

It sure was a fun game.

One I believed was a reality.

Enablers,

As I was once,

Are often people pleasers who tend to ignore the early signs of codependency.

Instead running the overriding rule,

I will do what you want so you will approve of me.

I needed approval,

I needed to be validated.

If I do it better you will validate me.

We are all looking for love at some level.

If I had remained the poor woman or victim,

I would have kept the spark of that dysfunctional team I lived with in alive.

This is true for all relationships where there is a so-called power imbalance.

If there were no oppressed,

There could be no oppressor.

We all contribute to our relationships and this is really important.

We seem to think there is one sort of nasty person in there and the other is very innocent.

But it's not about innocent or guilt as I've explained before.

For the most part,

You know,

Why do we blame the men then?

For the most part,

It's the men who are perceived as exhibiting the aggressive behaviour.

Despite this,

Society continues to view mildly aggressive or passive aggressive behaviour as acceptable or even necessary in positions of perceived power.

Passive aggression is no different to outward aggression.

Some men hold the belief that they are obliged to protect women.

I think we've seen this recently in the media.

In seemingly celebrity circumstances which,

You know,

Everyone had a bit of an opinion on.

But the energy of that is no different to any other energy that I'm talking about.

Everyone has a contribution in their relationship.

The archetype of the fearless and powerful male might appear to be desirable or successful even.

However,

All forms of aggression are fear-based.

This type of energy is what someone like Dr David Hawkins refers to as a force and is only pursued where a lack of love is present.

And this isn't true power.

Anything done in fear is not true power when something is done from a place of love that is from the powerful place.

So characteristically,

Like a tuning fork,

You resonate with like energetic frequencies.

Have any of you seen Let a Tuning Fork Ring?

All the tuning forks that resonate at that frequency will be in tune.

So every time you are acting from a certain frequency,

You will animate that similar frequency.

For me,

I held a dominant fear that I needed a man in my life for protection to keep me safe and loved.

I too perceived a lack of love in my life.

I was living in fear.

What do I attract?

When I live in fear,

I attract fear-based energies.

But fear plus fear does not equal love.

And these relationships are formed from a genuinely fear-based attraction,

Which evolves into a codependency very hard to move away from.

There can be no apportionment of blame in the equality of energetic resonance.

There is so much more equality than you realize.

Things don't seem equal because it looks like someone has power over another.

In some ways this is true.

But from an energetic perspective,

It is both fears coming together equally.

When you move to love,

You don't resonate with fear.

But what creates the fear state?

Well fear can only exist where there is a disconnection from unconditional love of self.

This isn't conceit.

It's a totally different type of love.

You create your own fears as part of life's game with a little help from your friends.

As children,

Our tribes,

Our parents,

Our teachers,

Our siblings,

Our neighbors,

Taught us to follow rules which created irrational limitations for us to experience more fully later in adult life.

In overcoming these rules or limitations,

You learn who you are as your consciousness evolves.

You are knowing yourself.

In knowing yourself,

You know that you are love.

Boys don't cry is a popular societal rule.

Another is be a nice girl.

There are thousands of rules we unconsciously follow and these limit us.

And the specifics are really irrelevant.

However we embody them obediently in the fear that our tribes otherwise won't love and care for us.

These become parental controls.

This parental control and the idea of power imbalance becomes familiar to you in your early years.

You get used to it.

It is familiar.

It feels safe.

But it's simply an imbalance within the self which feels like,

Then,

As you go into the adult world,

That something is missing.

Love.

That something that is missing from you is love.

And it's love of self.

So how do we move past blame in the game?

Blame simply says that someone is not doing what I want them to do.

Effectively,

You are trying to control someone.

You want power over them.

It is just not possible to control or regulate anyone else ever.

If you want peace,

You must focus on feeling the peace within yourself.

Just take a moment.

Right here.

Right now.

Just let everything relax in your body.

Your toes.

Your feet.

Your thighs.

Your pelvis.

Your back.

The back of your head.

Your forehead.

Your eyes.

Your cheeks.

Your jaw.

Your chest.

Your stomach.

Your arms.

Your hands.

Just let them all rest.

Relax.

Feel some beautiful space around you.

Take a nice breath.

A slow,

Gentle breath.

Can you feel some peace?

Feel it in your body.

The peace is within you.

You feel it right there.

It's there.

It's not out there somewhere.

It's within you.

That peace is a state of love.

This is what self-love is.

Peace.

Satisfaction.

Fulfillment.

It is within you.

If you want peace,

You must focus on feeling the peace yourself.

That is what you have control over.

It's not easy.

It's part of the game.

But to bring yourself back to that state regularly is.

.

.

You'll get the habit of it.

It just becomes a new habit.

So how about some tips?

So notice when you use the word should,

Ought,

Or must for yourself or others.

Those words contain obligations that someone,

Or you,

Yourself,

Needs to behave in a certain way.

In the peaceful state,

There is no obligation upon anyone to do anything.

In my case,

I imposed obligations that the men in my life should not get angry.

This is an irrational belief.

What I had to learn was that anger is an acceptable emotion.

We are incomplete without it.

When I accepted that idea,

I was no longer reactive to anger.

I was no longer pushing it away.

Energetically I had softened my resistance or my fear,

And consequently I no longer resonated at a fear-based frequency.

The relationship dissolved accordingly.

For those displaying immature emotions,

Yourself included,

Imagine toddlers learning how to walk.

You can hold compassion for them,

Understanding that they are merely discovering themselves in their quest to emotionally mature.

You can respond to immature emotion by modelling preferred behaviour,

As opposed to animating negative energy.

When you model what love looks like,

What that peace looks like,

People feel that.

They feel that tranquil sense of you,

And even if they might not be displaying it at the time,

They know it's there.

And when you model this,

You are doing it for everybody,

And I thank you.

One final tip.

We are one.

If I blame you,

I'm blaming me too.

That has no benefit at all.

You may tire of me repeating it's all energy,

Yet we need to approach solutions from this perspective.

Society is doing the things they are saying not to do via attempted regulation.

When we try to control someone by telling them they cannot control another,

Not only is that hypocritical,

We are using force against force.

This is physics.

All this does is create a greater resistance.

Instead,

We need to create flow.

The door to the flow state,

Or to peace,

Started opening for me when I learned compassion and understanding.

I saw that everyone is just doing their best based on their own limitations.

They're just toddlers.

That's not condescending.

That's just saying,

Well,

You know,

That part of you hasn't grown up yet,

And that's okay.

Nothing is good or bad.

These are just experiences.

But we can meet everybody where they're at.

I have no control over the behavior of others.

Only my responses are relevant to my life.

Your life is your response to it.

If you say things are bad,

Yes,

They are.

Correct.

You got it right because you said so.

You are that powerful.

As I learned that I too created my own environment,

I softened energetically and became free to play the game my way.

If I saw,

Wow,

There's an opportunity there.

Look at that person.

They're just exploring their own reality.

It took a disconnect for me.

It was disconnecting from the negativity.

I was seeing it from a loving place,

A more mature place.

Softening seems counterintuitive.

However,

This is the reclamation of true power.

You are back in your flow.

You are back in your energy.

You are back in love.

Blaming men or anyone else for that matter for how I was playing my game was effectively self-harm as it kept me locked in my imprisonment of self-limitation.

It's my own imprisonment.

To let go of blame is making a choice for personal freedom.

I am free.

Thank you so much for listening and have a beautiful day.

Stay in peace.

And that is a choice.

It is absolutely your choice to choose peace today.

This moment,

Right now,

Right now,

Every moment.

Take good care of you.

Reviews

Wow , truth. Finally someone explaining this well:) I have noticed how both genders feel the same way within, but the main difference is in the outer expression which is due to social conditioning and nobody is more mature then the other, it’s all reflection. I as female definitely hid my anger and aggression.