Deep Grief Care 2

We are not always prepared to face the fact that a loved one is dying and that hospice is an appropriate choice. From my years as a hospice social worker, I offer you a window into the work of dying, from a soul perspective, not a medical one.

Learn about the gifts of possibility, intimacy and grace. May you find not only comfort as you prepare for a loved one's death, or as you grieve a death, but also may you find an opportunity to come away from this time determined to live more fully.
Royalty free music from Fesliyan Studios

Transcript

Hello and welcome to Integrative Wisdom's Deep Grief Care.

Hospice from the Perspective of a Social Worker.

When hospice shows up to someone's door,

There is a recognition that we are walking into a situation where nobody really wants us to be there,

At least on some level.

Yes,

There is gratitude for the support for the nursing visits so that the patient can stay at home to conserve their precious energy.

There's gratitude for the home health aides that provide comfort and the sprucing up that the patient might need to feel just a little bit more normal on that particular day.

But as I think about the social worker,

It is difficult,

Not only for the patient and the family,

But for the medically focused staff to really understand what a social worker's job is.

And as a social worker,

I am prompted to help shed some light on how we hope we make a difference for our patients and our families.

Let me begin by focusing on the gift of possibility.

As a social worker,

The focus is not so much on the patient's illness or diagnosis.

This is a heart patient,

A cancer patient,

This is a stroke patient.

No,

My focus is on the individual,

On this person who has lived a full life.

I want to know this person prior to becoming ill,

Prior to needing hospice care.

I want to know about the family who loves her,

Who has laughed with him,

Who has argued about politics and religion,

And who has made people laugh,

As well as perhaps making a few people angry now and then.

I want to know what is most important to this person and whether or not they have fulfilled life dreams or are facing their death before they are ready to let go.

When I walk into a patient's home,

I walk in with my eyes and ears open,

Listening as well as observing the patient and the family.

And it's not just what I'm hearing that captures my attention,

And sometimes this is even more important.

It is what I don't hear that will heighten my senses.

Sitting with the patient and the family,

Listening for what is not being said,

And discerning whether or not this family is aware of any unspoken thoughts,

Hopes,

Or concerns,

And whether or not they might be open to a conversation about these very things will become a social worker's priority.

When you know there is limited time left,

It is important to see what might be stirring the waters for the patient and the family.

Are there monsters such as fear and worry lurking,

And can these monsters be brought out into the light?

Because once you bring the monsters out into the light,

You have the opportunity,

The possibility to laser them and send them on their way.

As each worry or fear or end of life task is completed,

Patients often express awareness that the end feels near,

But without as much anxiety or concern.

It never fails to amaze me how our patients continue to live day after day in spite of knowing they have a terminal condition.

They continue to get up,

To face each new day as a gift,

And even put on a happy face.

They enjoy the little things,

The now,

And at some point seem to be able to let go of thinking about what they are having to say goodbye to,

Focusing on the possibility of the current moment rather than dwelling on the end.

And as we consider these amazing people who can show us by their example of what to do and maybe sometimes what not to do,

Maybe there is a chance to take away not only a remembrance of the one who has passed,

Not only a remembrance of how much you will miss them and the effort it will take to move forward now that they are not here next to you,

But also perhaps that each and every one of us will not only have a bucket list of things to experience before I die,

But with the realization that we can choose to make a difference each day simply by being the best version of me to those I encounter on my path of living.

We can choose to live as if today might be our last day and not to take this day for granted.

Not to think,

Well,

I have tomorrow because maybe we may not.

And that's not to be morbid,

But that is to be realistic,

To be proactive,

And that is to look at my life as this amazing miracle.

No matter what our spiritual traditions or beliefs,

To recognize that we have one precious life and that it is our responsibility to live that life to the fullest.

We have the possibility that each person we interact with will benefit by what we say or what we don't say by what we do or what we don't do.

And so I would much rather have us consider not that bucket list,

But a possibility list.

And so that when each of us go forth on this day,

We will see the beauty and possibility that is all around us in spite of walking with the loss.

We also have the gift of intimacy.

In hospice,

We walk with that on a constant basis.

But as I've told many of the families I worked with,

It's not my mom,

Not my spouse,

And not my child.

And so even though I would come into their homes with information and education and compassion,

It was never the same.

Which is good because it means that I have the ability to take care of the needs of my families without being an emotional mess all day long.

However,

I have had the experience personally of death coming into my family.

I'm thinking now of my brother who had a major stroke and ended up dying.

And that experience of loss did take my breath away.

And it changed the way that I walked into a family's home,

Into their living room,

Because there's a different awareness and intimacy with death that hadn't been there before.

And there are others in hospice who have lost their loved ones while doing this work.

And I imagine that each one has felt this transformation.

We go from being a hospice worker to being a participant in death with an intimate awareness of the immense pain of losing a loved one.

Walking with a loved one as they gradually lose the ability to provide for their intimate needs means that someone else has to step in and help with these tasks.

No matter how private this person may have been,

When it comes to debility and dying,

They are going to have to figure out how to accept someone walking beside them because they can no longer do it on their own.

This often causes deep suffering,

Even more than the physical ailment.

Hoping to assist the patient in learning to accept the state of affairs,

Helping them recognize the way things are,

Not the way they wanted them to be,

Becomes a deep part of this healing journey.

Family members who take on the role of caregiver are challenged as well.

It is not always easy to see our loved one begin to need such intimate assistance.

Impatient and stressed at times,

Both the loved one and the caregiver often need someone to talk to that can understand and acknowledge how very difficult it is to face this loss of autonomy.

Often it is in the simple act of being heard,

Of being able to share one's deepest thoughts that can enable them to take the next step.

It's not easy facing this new intimacy in a relationship.

It requires everyone to slow down a little bit,

To trust in the process of unconditional love because that's what it boils down to.

It requires seeing on a different level with different eyes.

And I know that those who are taking or have taken this journey know this feeling.

Intimacy walking through the messiness of death and dying at home with a love that has no bounds.

And let us add grace,

Grace,

The act of grace in our lives that will allow us to keep going forward step after difficult step.

Grace for our loved ones as they come to terms that their human life is coming to a close.

All the dreams and all the hopes that they had are now culminating,

Reaching an end.

Grace.

How else can we explain it?

How else can we explain the strength and determination it takes to journey through the valley of the shadow of death and yet the gentleness and openness of one's heart who walks this path.

And we know as we continue to go forward,

There are going to be potentially rough moments.

Some moments are going to trigger good memories and perhaps regrets.

I don't think the regrets are there to make us feel guilty or up for us to take on playing.

Although we may have those moments when we feel that way.

I think regret is an opportunity to experience grace.

It's a possibility to transform,

To stop whatever we are doing in our life and reevaluate and then move into a state of grace,

Into a new way of being in the world and not to hold on to the past.

Because to hold on to regret,

To hold on to guilt,

To hold on to blame means that I am wasting this precious moment.

And that would be a bigger loss because I'm wasting my beautiful moments of living.

As each of us have experienced walking a final mile with a loved one,

We know that they have to say goodbye to us and the world that they knew.

But we vow to continue to walk without them here by our sides.

And perhaps we can gain comfort from remembering the angels of possibility,

Intimacy and grace.

Those that come behind us will be in the same place someday walking with us in this valley.

What legacy do we want our children,

Our grandchildren to have?

What do we want them to experience with us?

Am I afraid of my own death?

It's one of those big questions that is out there for us to consider.

Am I willing to contemplate my death,

My final days of walking on this planet?

Can I transform my thoughts so that my family will see the grace and be able to walk with me in that intimacy?

And so as I see it,

These are three of the gifts that a hospice social worker can bring to families facing the death of a loved one.

Working hand in hand through the experience of dying at home,

Assisting them in knowing if this is a moment that a door wants to be opened and helping them find the grace to walk through the door.

Standing side by side as they walk into the potential,

The possibility of the best death possible.

Encouraging them to open their hearts and let people know how they care about them,

How they love them.

And so I hope that you in listening to this will be able to take some of the experiences from my work as a hospice social worker and be there with your loved ones as they walk this path,

As you walk this path.

And may you find those gifts to be yours.

Pity,

Intimacy and grace.