159: 4 Ways To Conquer Unproductive Expectations

Don't let unproductive expectations ruin what you've worked so hard to create. In today's episode, I share some of the top strategies I've personally used with myself and others to overcome my mind and return to center, creativity, and happiness.

Transcript

This is episode 159 four ways to conquer unproductive expectations My name is Tudor Alexander and this is the dance of life podcast every week My goal is to inspire you to take action towards what you love live a transformed life and enjoy the journey there Are you ready? Let's go You What's up, What's up everybody? Thank you so much for joining me today. Happy Friday to you one more time I hope you've had an amazing week wherever you happen to be today Alexander Pope has a great quote for us and that goes something like this Blessed is he who expects nothing for he shall never be disappointed It's such a great reminder on how to manage our mind in our mind is always expecting stuff putting projecting future possibilities attaching Creating scenarios that maybe aren't realistic or they're not going to happen And if we remember that by not having expectations by lowering our expectations by managing our expectations Then life gets much easier and life living with others is also much easier So today we're talking about four ways to conquer unproductive Expectations, Like I said, The mind is always putting expectations on things judging the label maker constantly talking and It's a good thing in some sense because we need that to create The future we need to be able to plan and anticipate But that same tool remember the mind is a tool like any other tool. It can be misused that same Skill that same ability can backfire on us right in business and relationships in our lives through expectations through having attachments to expectations through having improper expectations to being attached and obsessed to Things working out a certain way and not being able to be adaptable And so what that does is it loses a lot of our energy a lot of our time a lot of our resources So that we cannot create anymore. So really the goal of this episode. I wanted to give you four ways That I try to use my own life that I've worked with my own students and clients and in my own experience to Manage expectations, You know expectations are the death of you if you don't keep them at bay and it's important to have them Obviously, You should know what you're doing and why you're doing it and have some expectation Otherwise you never move anywhere But at the same time learning to manage them once you've projected them is the case a lot of great Useful tools today in this episode. I'm super excited to jump into this with you guys If you like this kind of topic Make sure you subscribe for weekly content and share this with one person in your life today who needs to hear This message about expectations. You can also hit me up on facebook instagram at tutor Alexander official with your base takeaway from what we talked about today. Let me know I'm always always curious to know what makes a difference in your guys's life Today with the things that we talk about so without further ado. Let's jump into the four ways to conquer unproductive expectations Alright guys, So four ways to conquer unproductive expectations. We got four really powerful Simple things you probably have heard but just again to reiterate these very important habits number one. Let's get right to it number one is Accountability, You know, You got to be accountable real What is what is it that you really need? You know, What are what are your real needs in life? And what can you do for yourself a lot of times we delegate To others our needs when we expect, You know, We expect something Whatever it happens to be we are delegating Delegating the need for that to somebody else when you expect someone to comfort you when you're crying You're delegating your comfort to somebody else when you expect someone to Pay your bills for you. You're delegating your freedom to somebody else You have to look at the actual cost of what is it that you are? Delegating when you're expecting now again, It's always some intangible thing because again, We'll use that example Okay, I'm gonna expect somebody to cover my my dinner if I go out with them or whatever, You know It's not just the dinner. It's not just the money. It's not that it is the thing behind it Which is you're delegating your own freedom your own accountability your own confidence, You know when you are accountable You are Confident that is the key I mean we may be afraid we may be intimidated but we have the confidence that we are in control of our life This is very important because when you expect you delegate that confidence somewhere else you're placing the outcome in somebody else's hands Now again, You have to do this in business in life and relationships You have to delegate to some extent but this is about managing your mind because it's very easy to delegate everything so, You know What you know in business, For example, What is a person that you're working with? How do they see the vision that you have in your mind is the project that you're trying to work with them on and placing? Expectations them on are they in alignment with are they a good fit for it? Same thing in your life in your business in your relationships and your romantic relationships what are the things that you expect out of the people around you and Is it number one a something you can do for yourself? Is it really that important? Right and Number two, Are you? Putting something on someone's lap that they're not able to really do it Can you count on that person to really do it knowing what you can count on for people is very important There's a quote by Einstein It goes something like this that if you expect a fish its whole life if a fish grows up his whole life I'm totally butchering it for other people expecting it to climb a tree Then we'll grow up feeling stupid and incapable Like I said, I'm totally butchering it. But basically it's a fish that grows up Thinking that it's supposed to be climbing a tree. It's gonna feel totally incompetent and what that really means is there's a misalignment between who that person is and what they're expected to do and This has been a huge part in my life. It's almost about acceptance too. It's really learning. Okay, I'm looking around And when I get upset and frustrated with somebody that they're not meeting my expectations. I have really high expectations You know if you're perfectionist if you if you something's really important to you, You're gonna have really high expectations the question is are you putting those expectations on somebody that can handle them if The answer is yes, Then how? You know, We can look at the other ones that we talked about today Which is clear communication and agreements and so on But if the answer is no then you have to look at yourself and say what part of me Wanted to delegate that to somebody who wasn't capable of handling what I'm giving them, Right? So you have to make yourself accountable What can you do yourself or what? Can you redelegate to somebody who's more? Appropriate fit For whatever else, You know again, It could be something personal It could be something professional in your business, But accountability is very important. It's a massive way to conquer your unproductive expectations Number two, Which we just talked about kind of lit into it is clear communication, You know when you know What is it that you want and you're specific? So there's three things I want to outline with clear communication First one is being specific The second one is being objective and the third one is being authentic specific objective authentic if You're those three things in your communication It's gonna be much easier for you to handle unproductive unproductive expectations on both sides on your side and on the other person's side if You're specific and you know exactly why you're doing and what you're doing Then you're gonna be able to communicate clearly what you want. There's a lot less room for Misunderstanding, You know, I can't tell you how many times I've posted a job for example on up work If you're familiar with that platform, It's a it used to be called Elance, I think but basically, You know I've learned to be very very specific and articulate Exactly why I'm doing what I'm doing and what I want to do Because that will attract a lot of people to apply for the job and I don't want to attract the wrong kind of person and hire the person who doesn't get what I'm trying to say and Then I'm gonna have expectations that I'm delegating Something to them that they're not capable of handling because I wasn't specific enough So you see how it all it all relates to each other It's all kind of a snowball and the end result is again You're gonna save yourself the time money and energy so you can create so you can go about your life and live The life that you want when you are bogged down by unproductive commitments unproductive expectations It is exhausting and it's time-consuming and it burns through your money fast I've wasted so much money sometimes on Situations where I got into them because I wasn't specific about what I wanted so I attracted just anybody to kind of take my money take my time take my emotions whatever else and Also being objective. You know, That's the second part with communication be objective when you're objective in your communication let's say something happens that you give a project to somebody you give a task to somebody and it was done in a way that You Know you you don't approve over it's not meeting your expectations It's very easy to get your emotions involved, But there's a saying in Dancing which I love is there's no right and wrong. There's just right and left So listen to that again. There's no right and wrong. There's just right and left Meaning we stick to what's actionable stick to what is objective stick to what is Not prescriptive but descriptive meaning what is actually happening? What work can I get to and take action on rather than what should have happened? Why it's wrong or right or you know all these emotional things that we get to you want to steer away from that stuff or use it very sparingly because it clouds communication and we don't want to live in the world of shoulds we want to live in the world of hey facts and figures and promises and benchmarks and measurable things when we're looking to conquer our Unproductive expectations and expectation is something Usually why it's unproductive is because it's not out in the open. It's not out in the open. It's not clear. It's not objective It's not specific. So those types of situations are very toxic Because they're not actionable. You can't take any action on something. That's not clear when it's clear and objective you can take action and create results and If there's some other of hidden variable in the process that is Affecting the results so you can get to that too But as long as the interpersonal stuff is out of the way then you can be very effective. Now. The third part is being Authentic this is so important guys You have to learn to practice authenticity and vulnerability in all your communication as much as possible Especially in business, Especially in romantic relationships. It's impossible to convey what you want From a person from a task from a project if you aren't authentic especially again If you're gonna be creating stuff in your life If you want to create a beautiful relationship if you want to create a beautiful business You got to take the lead you got to be a leader And if you want to be a leader, You have to be authentic You have to inspire others with your vision and that could just be inspiring one other person With the vision that you want for your relationship with them You know take the lead rather than sitting in the backseat and holding on to your expectations take the lead be vulnerable be authentic and inspired through open and clear communication You know having a good command of your language being specific allows you to minimize Gray areas where emotions can get tied up Be clear with yourself of what you want You know like ask yourself out loud to yourself what you want and see what how does that ring? How does that actually sound when you articulate? What is it that you want? Be objective be authentic. So clear communication accountability super important the third one is Setting agreements, You know agreements are a huge part of managing expectations One of the biggest parts because again, It's all about being out in the open you know an expectation is Something that happens Internally, Right agreements are something that happens between two people. So if I have expectations They're entered in just by one person me. They're my expectations of you. I haven't really Communicated the moment you communicate it to a person specifically authentically objectively you're communicating it to that person and You create an agreement and that person is okay great. You know, I get what you're saying. It's gonna be delivered. You have a deadline Now you have an agreement that you can measure that you can hold both people accountable to Right, And now we have something that can work that could create work between us so an agreement is something that's entered into by both people an Expectation is only entered into by one. That's the difference. That's why expectations are Not useful. They're not useful for any kind of work because It's not something that can hold you accountable Once you put it out in the open once your objective authentic specific accountable Then you can create agreements and all partnerships every relationship every business practice, You know partnership Friendship even you know some of the things when you're working together any kind of situation we're trying to create work When you have that situation you have to have agreements a relationship is just a set of agreements I agree that I'm gonna do this and you agree that you're gonna do that and we agree that we're gonna do this and we're gonna See things this way and that way so the more clear you are about your agreements in anything the less room there are for for misinterpretations for expectations to You know basically run amok and create emotional situations and unravel everything that you're working so hard to create Be careful Also here. I'm gonna add a little caveat be careful With business and friendship type of situations. That doesn't mean don't do them Just be careful because when you have a friend and you're trying to create something on top of that friendship You're bringing a new layer of accountability to that relationship and it's very important You're both on the same page on the same values on You know the same expectations the same visions you have the same agreements about things you have clear, You know communication objective authenticity Don't put your friendship first in a business situation You can have friendship. It's very important to keep friendships and even in when you have business situations. That's great You know, You have some level of trust there But it's not always a good thing because comfort the comfort and familiarity of a friendship can let you slide into Expectations territory so it's very important that you manage that Again doesn't mean you shouldn't have business partnerships or whatever else, You know, Let friendships evolve into dating relationships, Whatever else Friendship is a very important part of all relationships. I think but when you add that second element of business to it or a Relationship you start to have expectations and unless you manage the expectations with clear agreements authentic objective specific communication accountability over the things that you can do for yourself and Delegating properly unless you manage that you're gonna slip into some dark territory and Unfortunately, I've seen friendships ruined by this I've had my own experiences where adding that second layer creates a lot of friction because Agreements and expectations of values weren't set forth 100% so make sure you manage your agreements and you create proper strong clear Structure for how things work between you so you can manage the expectations Well and effectively the fourth and final one is emotional work and this is about your own ability to deal with failure and In trial and error and acceptance and forgiveness and gratitude and all these things that I talk about Because look let's face it. There's a lot of business strategies out there mindset strategies, But your own ability to Deal with failure your own emotional reserves Whether it's nutritionally your focus your own emotional work your own, You know Psychological work all that stuff comes into play. It's all part of the the mosaic of who you are So for this particular this fourth one this fourth part is fourth way of dealing with expectations I have two things to offer you. The first one is something called the five steps to forgiveness It's something that I kind of put together a little while back. I think this is one of the episodes five steps to forgiveness and They are basically five ways that you can look at your situation in your life anything that's giving you a challenge and To help you let go of it Okay, So I'm gonna go through the five steps with you here briefly and the first one is health Basically, You know forgiveness is very difficult thing to do especially something that's really hurting you and and you know It's a difficult situation. It is very hard to let go because we have a certain expectation about forgiveness we think that forgiveness we kind of Let give the person a free pass that hurt us or whatever else right or we we have to let go of the feeling of being Right with our blame when we're blaming we have a sense of rightness And as much as it hurts We do have that certainty of being right when we blame and we want to hang on to the comfort of that certainty so the mind is a very Weird environment like that even when something's not good for us it still hangs on because of those mechanics of wanting that certainty of wanting that comfort of knowing what to believe and so forgiveness is very difficult and you need forgiveness to be able to manage your expectations because Expectations are really your mind putting a judgment on something it says this is the way it needs to be and If you can't clear that slate if you can't let it go if you can't move on to the next thing through forgiveness That's what forgiveness really is. It's that whole process of letting go of acceptance of clearing the mind all these things Then you're gonna have a very hard time creating anything because you don't have any room for anything new in your mind so the first step to forgiveness the easiest way to get in tune with it, So you basically look through these five steps and See which one resonates with you. The first one is the easiest and that's your health Ultimately, You have to realize you have to see at each one of these steps you have to see something and the first step is seeing that that the thing that you're hanging on to is costing you your health if You see that if you genuinely see that it's costing you health like emotions anger, You know frustration guilt shame All these things are costing you your health then It's a lot easier to let go. It's not worth your health Your health is the most important thing in life without good health. You have nothing so if you see the cost to your health then it's easy to begin to let go if that's not enough the second thing to see is that life is full of things you can't control I call this inherent nature and this has two perspectives inherent nature has perspective of the world around you the inherent nature of the world around you which is uncontrollable and The inherent nature of people, You know when you start looking at psychology behavior The way the mind works how we tend to prefer the negative over the positive how we are wired for short-term pleasure over long-term gains You know how we have negative bias how we tend to remember the negative over the positive How we tend to complain in how we tend to be in survival mode and scarcity like all these tendencies You know, There's a whole slew of them these little habits that we have to protect ourselves When you start seeing that and you are able to see that in yourself and in others on a daily basis it's a lot easier to forgive because When we hold on to a grudge We ignore that part of ourselves Which is human infallible and makes mistakes as well as the part of the other person which is human and fallible And makes mistakes or the world, You know something happened to you, You know, Whatever else in the world. It's a Car hit you or you know, Whatever something happened in your front yard a pipe broke or something like that it doesn't matter the world is not something you can control and That's really difficult, You know because it's a lot of times we get in this whole thing of why me but you know, Why not you think of it that way flip it why not you and Flip the script in the sense that hey This is an opportunity to practice your forgiveness opportunity to let go an opportunity to get stronger In managing expectations that broken pipe That really pissed you off in the morning that you now you have to spend it, You know, Whatever else now That's an opportunity to practice Your expectations for something more important down the road managing your expectations. So health look at the world around you acceptance the third one is no pardon no judgment as the third step to forgiveness and What I what that means no pardon no judgment means you want to get out of this duality of judgment and pardoning That is one of the biggest obstacles to forgiveness is that we think we give a pass To that person like I'm condoning that person's mistakes if I forgive But that's not really forgiveness is not about the other person. There's no ledger that that there We're keeping about their mistakes their problem that they affected you with there is no ledger The ledgers in your own mind, So you're the only judge and jury so what forgiveness is it's letting go of the Obligation to judge let's put it that way. It's letting go of the obligation to judge in the first place because if you judge then you have to have a reason you have to have a justification for it and if you're seeking justification and that puts you in blame territory and having to find something that you don't have and Then if you're seeking justification, You're gonna want justice and then you let's say you enact justice and you cause something to that person Then they're gonna they're gonna feel wronged and they're gonna create something to blame you and they're gonna want justification and justice So this is you know, We see this in the Middle East we see this all over in the world this cycle of constant struggle and fighting and blaming injustice and justification When really if both parties practice forgiveness and said, You know what the past is the past I'm letting go of my responsibility of judging. I'm letting go of my obligation to set a judgment in the first place Then you're free because you're not pardoning the person and you're not judging them judging and pardoning exist as a simultaneous phenomenon one does not exist without the other you're just choosing not to be in either I'm just letting it go. It's nothing it doesn't exist for me anymore. So that's a very different mindset now The next one you got two more steps here to go to forgiveness. The fourth one is there's no obligation to act You don't have an obligation to take any action. It's another common misconception with forgiveness managing our expectations is that when you forgive you You feel like okay now I'm obligated to like love the person again or I have to like treat them a certain way or have to be a certain way or have to do certain things and That's not the case. You're not obligated to act remember true Forgiveness is not about the other person about pardoning them or judging them true forgiveness is just clearing your mind letting go and If there's nothing then there's no action. There is nothing required of you now. There is a space There's a space created so you can fill it with other things with new actions with a new promise with a new agreement with a new vision Absolutely, But there is no obligation to act you're not entering a duality of pardoning and judgment and justification And justice and all this kind of stuff. There's just no obligation act so when you see that when you clear yourself of the Obligation to judge and the obligation of having to do something after the fact and see that forgiveness is truly just resetting Coming back to zero just letting it go. There's nothing then you're much closer to forgiveness and managing expectations than ever before and the final one is Gratitude I include gratitude gratitude is a big part of my life because ultimately when you forgive and you do create that space And you see what I'm talking about It will fill up very quickly. If you don't fill it up with gratitude. It will fill up with blame again It will fill up with stories. It will fill up with negative Statements and realities it will just fill up wherever there's a space it gets filled. This is a Principle in philosophy and Taoism and in duality where else when there is space it would get filled up so that goes equally for your mind when you clear that space and you finally forgive and let go and you feel that freedom and You're totally open That's great fill that space with gratitude create a grateful statement about What happened create why you're grateful that it happened create grateful Reason to move forward to create what you learned out of it what you got out of it what you're grateful for that day You know all these things help to reframe and fill that space with a flower Before the weeds come back crawling in because the default remember the default is that negative bias We tend to see things negatively and especially if you see that person again Those memories are there and they're waiting for life to be resurrected back into that negative judgment and the whole spiral So to escape that spiral first you have to let go and forgive and then the final part The final fifth step to forgiveness is gratitude So those are the five steps look at your health see that it's important Your expectations are literally killing your health these unproductive expectations Look at life around you. You can't control it. You can't control people practice acceptance and really truly see that people Including yourself are flawed. We are flawed. We are imperfect We are prone to failure and mistakes and the world is prone to things you can't control So when you see that you accept it, Then there's no sense in wasting energy Number three pardon no pardon. No judgment You are not a judge. You are not a jury. You're not putting any judgment. You're not obligated to judge So get out of that cycle by forgiving and truly letting go seeing that has nothing to do with the other person or situation That your expectation Letting go of that is just having to do with your own peace of mind and number four You're not obligated to act after you do that. You're not obligated to do anything It's just nothing and of course if you have nothing you got to fill it with gratitude Because those weeds will come back in place now the final thing this has all been under the umbrella of emotional work So if you remember today's episode we talked about four ways to do it this accountability clear communication be specific be objective be authentic Create agreements, You know making sure you have that good structure for effective work and the first fourth one is emotional work and we talked about the five steps to forgiveness and The final thing for the emotional worth. I want to suggest to you guys It's a very special person in my life named Lee Madro. She practices something called the emotion code She's done a lot of work with me on the last at the time of this episode probably last year and a half or so We've done a lot of work on Managing emotions and it's it's I don't know how to explain it's kind of crazy to explain through a podcast But really it's emotional work. It is not therapy It is energy work type of work and I can't tell you how much it's helped me become aware of certain Triggers and emotions and it's helped me manage Reactions to things in a way that it's not like I had to talk about anything It just helped me improve that over time It's like I mean, I want to say it's like magic but it you know It really is it really is something very magical and she's been a huge part of my life With the with the work that she's done. I recommend her to everybody. She's a huge part of my life She does wonderful work. So if you're looking for Help managing your emotions help for letting go of stuck emotions Traumas from childhood from things that keep coming up in your life and the relationships that you have Highly highly recommend her check her out at www. Lea-modro. Com She's got some great Programs on there for people very affordable to kind of help you Break down those stuck traumas those struck emotions. And again, It's all energy work. You don't have to talk. I'm doing anything. It's really just Again, Very phenomenal stuff very useful for creativity it's helped me a lot of all the things that I'm creating with my business and my art and my My own professional career a lot of great stuff can't say enough good stuff about Lee but when I talk about emotional work and handling your expectations if you have trouble with expectations, You know anybody that has Constant trouble with their own expectations. This kind of work is very very valuable. So four ways to conquer unproductive expectations Alright guys, Well, I hope you enjoyed that episode that wraps it up for today. Remember that your mind is always creating expectations and in any situation Managing those expectations is the key to success My goal for this episode today was to help you look at your own life and your own mind and see what you what? Are your expectations? Telling you about yourself. Are they draining you of energy as a leader in your job career in your relationship? And How are you managing them? Can you manage them better? Are there opportunity areas where you're leaking energy? Because of your expectations and you can practice forgiveness where you can maybe learn to Control your emotions where maybe you can do some of that emotional work We talked about with Lee and again if you're interested in that Work with Lee mudra likes that I've done I've done a lot of work with Lee. She's a great friend of mine Super nice super very effective stuff. It's Lee mudro comm l e e m u d r o Dot co and check her out. She's a very sweet soul. Very special person in my life I hope you guys have enjoyed this episode as always Don't forget to share it with one person in your life that needs to hear today's message about Managing and conquering expectations. I'm always curious to hear what makes the biggest difference in your life So let me know give me some feedback Make sure to tag me with your biggest takeaway or breakthrough on Facebook Instagram at tutor Alexander official And let's remember today's episode quote From Alexander Pope blessed is he who expects nothing for he shall never be disappointed When we expect our mind is full guys if we can keep it empty Keep an open mind and we can let life surprise us in beautiful ways. Absolutely love that quote. Thank you guys for listening I hope you have an awesome rest of your day tune in on Monday as we continue our building a daily gratitude practice special series With habit number six acknowledging someone so that's gonna be really important stuff We're going to talk about how you can build that more into your life acknowledgement is so so important for building a daily gratitude Practice and remember as always that your life is a dance. So go out there and dance it well More episodes and weekly content stay connected at dance of life calm

Reviews

Thank you for your uplifting, excellent advice which I have always found life-changing.