107: The Mold Idea - A Thought Experiment

A thought experiment designed to help you visualize yourself as both a space and something complete simultaneously - giving rise to self-acceptance and freedom from the burden of having to change yourself all the time.

Transcript

What if your life was a dance?

What if you could learn to perform it with grace and power?

My name is Tudor Alexander and I want to be your partner as we choreograph the dance of life.

Join me as we share in some of the most meaningful life lessons and strategies that I've discovered in my career as a professional athlete and entrepreneur.

We'll talk business,

Transformation,

Gratitude,

And everything in between as we dance our way through life.

Together we'll learn and navigate life's changes and dance to whatever the music is playing.

Are you ready?

It's time for the dance of life.

Welcome back guys.

My name is Tudor Alexander.

Welcome to the Dance of Life podcast.

Today we are going to talk about an interesting idea,

Especially if you are an entrepreneur or if you own your own business.

I think this will be very relevant to you,

But really I think it is relevant for everybody.

Anybody who is out to increase their performance or to continually work on themselves,

To grow,

To get better,

To do transformation,

To change,

All those kind of spaces.

I think this will be a useful perspective for you,

So I'll share it with you.

It's called the mold idea.

It's not a very sexy name,

But I think it's a very clever idea.

It's a good way to think about transformation and change.

So basically where this comes up in my life,

How I came up with it,

Is it's a way to help reconcile working on your strengths and your weaknesses.

In dancing and how I train,

Obviously I train students,

I train myself,

In professional athletics and in creating these physical results.

My background is anytime somebody comes in,

I have to look at them and evaluate,

Okay,

Be able to evaluate their personality,

Their body,

Their ability,

Their talent,

Their quirks,

Whatever,

And make a little profile in my head of like,

Okay,

What is this person's strengths?

And what is this person's weaknesses?

What are they going to be good at?

What do they need to work on and so on?

And by having to do that over the years,

You start to get a handle of this duality that we all have,

In the sense that there's a part of us that we have as our inherent nature,

The things that make us who we are and we can create results with very easily because those are our strengths.

Then there's a part of us that we just are continually working on,

Let's put it that way,

That's always given us resistance,

That's not very natural to us.

But nonetheless,

It is needed at a high level,

And this is what it really comes down to,

At a high level,

You will need to be able to understand both sides of the equation.

You know,

What does that mean?

Does that mean that you need to continually work on your weaknesses?

No,

Absolutely not.

But what it does mean is that when you are dealing with people,

When you are dealing with a business,

A situation or relationships of any kind,

You as a leader,

I believe,

Have to be able to understand both of the forces in that duality.

Duality is a common theme in our life,

It's something that's in my book,

Dance Your Way Through Life,

It's one of the founding principles in this book.

And it's not just the book,

It's reality itself really is built on duality.

Male-female energy,

Order of chaos,

Soft-hard,

Difficult-easy,

Those kinds of things.

And we have constant dualities,

And they express themselves in different ways,

But duality is a repeating theme in our life,

And as a leader,

You need to understand both sides.

Because if you don't,

You're very likely to make a poor decision because you only have one dominant way of doing things.

And if you just know how to be strong all the time,

Then when a situation that requires your softness comes up,

You'll fail.

And if you keep failing,

Then eventually you'll suffer what I call a catalyst of change,

Which is one of four major situations that the universe,

I think it's literally built in for us to discover our opposite.

All of us based on who we are and how we are,

Despite our variety of different quirks and behaviors and thoughts and strengths and talents and stuff,

At the end of the day,

We have a dominant way of being.

And that dominant way of being has an opposite.

And for you to be at a high level,

To perform at a high level,

And to get the results that you want at a very high level,

You will have to reconcile your relationship to that opposite,

Whether you're in business,

Whether you're a professional athlete,

Entrepreneur,

In a relationship.

You look at,

Let's say we take a relationship,

A romantic relationship,

And let's say we take a traditional role of the guys,

The provider,

The woman's staying at home,

Whatever.

Nothing wrong with that,

But it is predictable.

It's predictable about who has the role and who is doing what.

And some people are okay with that.

But let's say you,

Especially in these days,

That's a little harder to find,

We live in a day where everybody has to know both sides.

Everybody's got to know a little bit of nurturing.

Everybody's got to know a little bit of providing and creating economy for themselves and money and independence.

So we live in a day and age where you,

As a person entering a relationship,

Have to be way more balanced than you'd had to be 50 years ago,

100 years ago.

Back then,

Life was much simpler.

So we had a lot more clear roles and people just fell into those roles and it just worked on momentum.

It had those codependencies and it just worked like that for a while.

Now technology has allowed us to work,

You know,

Mobile-y,

Create money off of Instagram,

You know,

And all these kinds of things.

So we're living a life that's much more mobile and it requires us to be present in multiple directions.

You know,

As an entrepreneur,

You've got to be detail-oriented.

You've got to be concept-oriented.

You've got,

You know,

That's why I had one of these episodes on how entrepreneurship is really a life-changing process.

Anytime you're doing anything like a project or going to business for yourself,

A relationship,

Anything really worthy that is a high goal,

It will force you to understand the parts of you that are weak,

That are not natural,

That are your opposite.

You know,

I call this the opposite instinct.

And these catalysts of change that I mentioned,

They are situations that are built in into the system to help you discover your opposite.

So for example,

Let's say you are too forward of a person.

You're too aggressive.

You're too,

You know,

You're too hard.

You're too one way,

Right?

And you don't know softness.

You don't know going slow.

Well,

What is naturally going to happen if you're too forward?

Well,

You're going to keep running into obstacles and you're going to suffer one of the four catalysts,

Which is burnout.

You have four of them,

Betrayal,

Burnout,

Stagnation,

And loss.

I'm not going to go over them in this episode,

But the point is,

Is that there's functions in place for the universe that will force you to do the opposite.

At some point,

You will burn out if you're too forward.

And you know,

It may take several episodes of burning out and some people never make it.

You know,

Some people unfortunately pass or die before they burn out and they learn their life lesson.

But,

You know,

Burnout is there to help you slow down and to basically realize the opposite,

Which is going slow,

Going process by process,

Detail oriented,

Things like that.

If you are inactive and you're complacent,

You don't take action right away,

Eventually you're going to get restless and bored and it will force you into change or life situations will change around you so much that you will need to take action.

So again,

These things are built in and you have to discover your opposite because for where you want to go,

For a noble and worthy goal,

Whether that's having a wonderful relationship that's alive and dynamic and moving,

If both people have the same role and it doesn't fluctuate,

Doesn't change,

There's nothing new there,

Then that's a pretty boring relationship.

And for some people that's fine.

You know,

That predictability is very attractive.

But again,

We live in a world where there's constantly things changing.

So if you want that dynamic relationship where you have interchangeable roles and you can cover for each other in different areas,

Granted,

You're both going to be specialists and there are certain things and that's where your strengths come in.

But again,

By learning a little bit of your opposite and getting those weaknesses in your awareness,

You are able to not be so off balance.

You know,

You're able to communicate with other people,

You're able to relate to other people.

You know,

If you don't have softness,

For example,

Then you're shutting out half of the population that you could connect to.

It may not be your thing,

You may relate much easier to people who are like you,

Right?

But the joy of life is in really broadening your experience.

You know,

And that's where this whole mold idea comes in play because what the mold idea does is that it allows you to reconcile two things.

And one of them is working on your strengths and going with those and creating results,

Which you will always be able to do,

And working on your weaknesses.

You know,

For me,

Throughout my transformational journey in the last couple years,

And it's still going on,

One of the difficult things I struggled with was acceptance of myself.

You know,

Because you start to discover your weaknesses,

You start to discover the things that aren't working,

Or you know,

What's opposite to you and what you need to get better at and things like that.

Then you wonder like,

Okay,

Like what should I keep working on this?

You know,

Should I.

.

.

It's very difficult to work in my opposite and if I'm not a detail-oriented person,

Why should I be focusing on being more detail-oriented?

It's very difficult and I'm getting a lot of resistance.

You know,

And you struggle a lot with self-acceptance,

You struggle a lot with direction and how much energy to invest in some of these things.

And that,

For me,

Created a very big internal struggle of,

You know,

What part of me do I accept?

You know,

Is it.

.

.

What part of me do I let go?

What should I change?

Should I change?

You know,

Is it okay to change?

Is it,

You know,

Am I fine the way I am or is it bad that I don't want to change?

Those kinds of things,

Those kinds of thoughts.

And so let's move on to the metaphor and this will jump right into it.

Basically,

If you imagine a mold,

Right?

A mold,

Let's say whatever,

You know,

Of whatever,

Let's say a chocolate mold,

You know,

A mold for a piece of equipment,

Whatever it is.

The mold itself is a structure.

It is something,

Right?

It is a piece that you use to create something else,

But it also is a space for something else,

Right?

So within this mold,

There is a duality.

There is a duality of two things.

One of them is what there actually is,

Right,

Which is the structure of the mold.

And what is it a space for,

Which is the opposite,

You know?

So if I have a little mold to create a Hershey's Kiss and I create the Hershey's Kiss,

The Hershey's Kiss is the opposite of the mold.

Just like the mold is the opposite of the Hershey's Kiss.

They are,

But they are one,

You know,

They go together.

But regardless of the fact that the mold goes with the kiss,

The mold is complete in and of itself.

There's nothing missing from the mold.

It wouldn't say that a Hershey's Kiss is missing from the mold.

No,

It's just a space to create more Hershey's Kisses.

Just like your stomach,

It's an empty space,

But it's not incomplete.

It's an organ and it functions the way it's supposed to function.

It digests food,

It's a space for food,

But it's also something like it is something.

So this duality is very important.

It's very little esoteric,

Little philosophical,

But it's a very important distinction because everything in reality and nature has that duality.

Everything does.

Look at your computer.

Your computer is something,

It's a laptop,

But it is also a space for you to put your hands and type on.

For a space for you,

It's a canvas.

If you think about it,

It's a digital canvas.

You can create things on it.

Your table,

A table that you eat on is a material thing that exists and it is a space for something else.

So none of those things are incomplete.

Like a computer is not incomplete without a person there typing on it.

It's complete in and of its own.

A table is not incomplete without food on top of it.

Sure,

It looks nicer,

But it is not incomplete,

It serves its function by just being there.

So how can we take this idea of this duality between something that exists and also it's a space for something else and apply it to working on our opposites,

Personal growth,

All this stuff.

And the idea is this,

That you have your inherent nature,

Which is a combination of all your personality traits,

Your own energy,

Your hormone levels,

Your looks,

Your DNA,

Whatever,

All of those things that make you,

You.

You know,

Your quirks,

Certain things that give you a personality in the world,

An energy in the world of who you are.

And you have as a result of that,

Because those things are inherently imbalanced,

Meaning they're one way,

There is also a space created,

A mold for the opposite,

Right?

So somebody who's very forward,

We go back to that example,

An aggressive and type A and go-getter,

Then you are a space to create peace and stability and process-oriented and details and things like that.

It doesn't mean that those are gonna be your strengths,

But you are a space for those things to be discovered upon,

Right?

Because what's natural to you will eventually lead you to discover the opposite through those four catalysts.

Like I said,

Burnout is one of them.

You know,

And likewise,

If you are really super laid back,

You know,

And the opposite of that,

And let's say you wanna start your own business and be successful,

Well,

That's gonna force you to embrace the opposite.

And because that personality type is a mold for discovering the type A,

Discovering the initiative,

Discovering the courage,

Discovering,

You know,

All of that stuff that's opposite.

So in this way,

You know,

You can understand that you don't have to change yourself.

You know,

How you are is totally perfect.

You are perfect and complete in what you are and how you are.

Certain things,

Maybe you will want to change them so that you can relate to more people.

You know,

We all have extremes in our personality and as we get older and go through more relationships,

Whether they're business partnerships,

Romantic relationships,

We learn what things we can let go of and what things we wanna keep,

You know,

And that's a process of acceptance that we all have to go through.

But with this idea,

It helps you ground yourself and realize,

You know what,

I am who I am.

And at the same time,

Equally so,

I can also explore these other areas.

What am I a space for based on what my personality is like?

You know,

What are my natural tendencies are?

What am I a space for?

Not that my natural tendencies are wrong or that I need to let them go or change them,

Unless there's impact,

Of course,

You know,

If like,

You know,

Let's say you swear every other word and you wanna start a Christian podcast.

Well,

You know,

That's probably not gonna work,

That kind of behavior,

So you'll have to change that at least for that particular situation,

You know,

Whatever.

But my point is,

Certain things you can let go of and certain things you don't have to,

Nobody has to change.

But if you want a higher level of performance,

If you want to relate to more people,

The more people you wanna help,

The more people you wanna connect to,

The more you want to do in your life,

The more of that opposite you will have to discover.

That's really what it comes down to.

Nobody has to change,

You don't have to change.

Perfection is not something you have to do,

But it certainly makes life much more rewarding because you can connect to more people,

You can discover more pleasure,

More insight,

More wisdom,

More experience because you're broadening your perspective and not just sticking to what is your nature and what's comfortable to you.

Nature gave you the default mold,

It gave you the initial mold with the initial qualities and that's what's gonna be there for life.

Those things don't change,

Parts of us will never change and that's okay.

That doesn't mean anything.

As you reach for higher goals and for higher things for yourself,

You will have to reconcile to what extent do I want to be uncomfortable and learn about those opposites.

For me,

It's the details.

I'm very detail-oriented now,

But it was a real process to get there and it still is.

I get very consumed by details.

I like creating,

I like thinking of the big idea,

But when it comes down to really hammering it out and being process by process,

That was a very difficult thing I had to learn over time.

It's definitely,

It was my opposite.

I tended to just be the big picture type of person.

And I will always be that big picture type of person that likes to create,

But I've embraced having to be more detail-oriented for having a business,

For communicating with other people,

For being able to realize the things that I want to realize with my projects and so on.

So what does this idea give you?

What does it leave you with?

I'm gonna leave you with this.

It leaves you with acceptance of yourself.

It leaves you with the ability to embrace growth without having to crucify yourself for the things that you aren't doing,

That you haven't learned or that aren't natural to you.

Remember,

The things that aren't natural to you,

That's just an endless realm to explore.

You don't have to master it anytime soon.

You are already perfect.

You are already a mold.

You're complete.

And it doesn't sound very hot or sexy.

It's thinking of a mold,

But you are complete.

The mold is complete.

The table is complete.

Your laptop is complete.

You are something that is complete.

You're not incomplete.

That's really what it comes down to,

Is not judging yourself as incomplete when you're in that growth phase.

Go with your strengths.

Develop your opposite.

That's what it's all about.

Always use your strengths and develop your opposite.

That's it.

Always use your strengths and do what you're good at.

Focus on that.

Create results with that.

But continually be in the work of developing your opposite so that you can relate to more people and that you can speak the language of those people who are different than you and that you can enjoy life because life is really about a variety of different experiences and it's a shame to miss out by sticking just to one limited view of the world.

So transformation is built in.

There's nothing you can do to escape it.

And if you're out for big things and you're trying to create projects and leadership and your own business or even take your relationship to the next level,

Anything that requires going above and beyond,

You will need some level of transformation,

Which means you will need to get in tune with your opposite,

Period.

So that's what it's all about.

So allow yourself to explore that opposite without chastising yourself for how little you know about it,

How difficult it is,

Whether you need to change everything or not.

Allow yourself to explore it.

Think of it as just a bonus,

A bonus area.

It's not something that you're missing.

It's a bonus area.

So I hope this helped.

It's helped a lot for me to think about personal growth that way and it's helped a lot to develop my acceptance for who I am and how I am because who you are is perfect already and you have great gifts to share with the world.

I really believe everybody does.

And the more you can learn a little bit about what's opposite to you,

What life has created you to be a mold for and discover,

The more you'll find joy in it because it will strengthen your strengths and will help you take that inherent nature and share it with the world in a much more productive and impactful way.

And that's where the reward is.

That's where the reward is,

Is the sharing who you are.

And the more in tune with your opposite you are,

The more you can broadcast that message and be in the service of others,

Which is really what it's all about.

That's where the greatest reward is.

So it's all about maximizing reward.

So thank you so much guys for listening Dance of Life podcast.

My name is Tudor Alexander.

Until next time,

I hope this has been a wonderful episode for you and let me know what you think about it.

You can shoot me an email anytime and have a great rest of your Friday.

We'll see you next week.

You're listening to the Dance of Life podcast with your host Tudor Alexander.

Join me weekly as I discuss my most meaningful life lessons and strategies on entrepreneurship,

Transformation,

Gratitude,

And how to dance your way through life.

For the latest content and bonus material,

Make sure you get subscribed using your favorite listening platform and if you liked today's episode or want to contribute to a future episode,

Share your ideas and keep the conversation going at danceoflife.

Com.

And remember,

Life is short,

So you might as well learn to dance your way through it.

Until next time,

I'm Tudor Alexander and this is the Dance of Life.

Reviews

Tudor: Thank you for this thoughtful item. Well conceived and well presented in a convincing, palatable way. Neil ☯️

I love your podcasts. I loved this one what it made me think of was the photo of a cake mould. To bake a cake you need patience to build each part of the cake and a plan of how it will turn out. You need to follow the recipe and go with the flow to produce the cake. Life and personal growth is just like that I think

Thank you! 🌷🌷🌷

Not changing but building up a bit of a muscle in my weakn