The 8 Obstacles to Gratitude

Gratitude is essentially a tool that enables us to build strength, resilience and humility. This is an insightful talk on the 8 major obstacles to building a practice of Gratitude and how we can become aware of them. Tudor draws on his own real life experiences to show us how we can bounce back from the inevitable challenges, failures and conflicts in life that prevent us from being our greatest selves.

Transcript

You're listening to the 8 Obstacles to Gratitude on the Dance of Life podcast with Tudor Alexander.

This is the Dance of Life.

My name is Tudor Alexander and we are going to go on a journey to hack your mind,

Body,

And soul for living your best life yet.

Come in every week to learn something new,

Grow,

And get inspired as we discover the secrets of success and practice the art of fulfillment.

And if it's one thing I hope you learn from today,

It's that your life is a dance.

And just like any dance,

You can learn to dance it well.

What's up,

What's up everybody?

Welcome to the show.

My name is Tudor Alexander.

I'm your host.

As always,

Thank you so much for being here with me wherever this happens to be for you,

When and where.

You know,

It doesn't matter,

But I hope you're having a great day.

I hope you're being healthy.

What we're talking about today is so timeless.

So that's the best part.

You know,

It doesn't really matter because gratitude and overcoming obstacles of gratitude,

These are just timeless things.

And I think especially in the last year,

You know,

2020,

Especially this is,

I'm in 2021 right now when I'm recording this,

But 2020 has been a year that's really helped a lot of people discover what matters most in life.

And I think also a time of stillness where we have been able to ask the big questions.

You know,

I have a background in movement.

If you have followed my work,

If not,

That's okay.

I've been competing in ballroom dancing for many years and that was something I did for a long time.

But my training allowed me to see many parallels between the moving world and sort of the internal world of our mind and emotions and things like that.

And one principle that's very fundamental,

Which I'm,

You know,

So thrilled and thrilled in the sense that the world kind of proves you these principles all the time.

Not thrilled in the sense of what happened in 2020 by any means,

Because it was a crazy year.

But,

You know,

In 2020,

It proved this principle.

And the principle is that ultimately if you want to change direction,

You need to stop,

Or at least at the very least slow down considerably.

And so in 2020,

The momentum of our old way of thinking,

Of our systems,

Of our hierarchies,

Of everything that was established came to a screeching halt,

You know,

And in that stillness,

A lot changed,

You know.

And so this is a metaphor for your life too.

And all the things that we're going to be talking about today with obstacles and how to overcome them,

What it really comes down to is you have to be able to stop the momentum of whatever is going on.

You know,

Emotions are momentum,

A situation gives you momentum,

Responsibility of certain kinds give you momentum.

There is always things pushing on your mind or pulling on it to think a certain way,

Feel a certain way,

Do certain things.

And so the ever critical skill,

Which,

You know,

There's no hacks in life.

Let me tell you,

There's only one thing to learn in life.

And this is it.

It's to be present.

It's to be present to what is.

That's it.

And to be able to control being present.

Because again,

There's so many things that have gravity,

Quote unquote,

That exert their gravity on your mind and pull you from presence,

Pull you to the past,

Pull you to the future,

You know,

We're constantly bouncing between those two and never truly in the present moment.

And when you are in the present moment,

When you can make a habit out of being in the present moment,

Then this is where you get what it is.

You get the truth,

You get peace of mind,

You get downloads,

You get new ideas,

You get gratitude.

Gratitude doesn't happen in the future.

It doesn't happen in the past.

It happens in the here and now right here being present.

And so this is the eternal lesson to come back to.

There's a lot of a lot of great things I want to share with you today that relate to this.

But I'll caveat this,

You know,

I'm paraphrasing here a lot of this material you can if you want to dive deeper into it.

You know,

My challenge to you,

I have two challenges.

My challenge first is try to recognize at least one of these that you that comes up in your life.

We're going to be going over eight obstacles in this episode,

But you know,

For everybody,

For sure,

At least one is a little more common and tends to be a pattern than the others.

Okay.

And don't feel bad about it.

You know,

Just be honest.

So my challenge to you is find that one and figure out what message it has for you,

Because each obstacle also is a gift in disguise.

I'm going to be talking about that.

That said,

My second challenge,

If you want to be a rock star at this,

Go check out my course on inside timer.

It should be in my profile,

But it's the gratitude map,

10 days to a grateful mindset.

And so it's a 10 day course,

Very simple,

But we take this stuff into a deep dive and we really get a lot more detail on it.

You know,

I go over the obstacles,

We go over the 12 different habits,

How to build a daily gratitude practice,

How to create relationships with others based on gratitude,

A lot of great things.

So go check it out.

That'll be a deep dive.

I'm going to be kind of paraphrasing some of the stuff here.

So another thing too is many of these things are not going to strike you as,

You know,

Anything new,

Right?

And so the thing I have to say to that is don't let that fool you,

Right?

Just because it's something that you may recognize,

Don't let the simplicity of that situation fool you because everything in life is about a practice.

There is no fancy life hack.

It is about practice.

This is,

I call it the unsexy personal growth answer.

You know,

All of us want these cool hacks and new poetic distinctions and ways of labeling the world and breakthroughs and things,

But let me tell you,

All that stuff is great.

There's nothing wrong with that,

Especially if you are a very wordy person and you're very expressed,

Right?

So you relate to those kinds of things,

But ultimately your life is in the doing.

It is in the steps between the moments,

Right?

It's in the movement.

So this is the part that we don't register because it's not very obvious.

It seems too simple.

You know,

If I told you that brushing mindfully every day,

Twice a day and flossing mindfully are part of,

You know,

Keeping your teeth in ideal shape,

Well,

Yeah,

You know,

It sounds okay,

But I'd rather have some cool fancy machine that can wipe my teeth in,

You know,

Two weeks and now suddenly I look perfect.

We want these hacks.

We want these immediate results and we're attracted to that.

You know,

That's a fundamental flaw in our programming because we only see the obvious.

So you have to see the non-obvious.

You have to see the value in reality,

Which is practice.

Everything is a practice.

Even when you attain your goal,

You still practice.

If you don't attain your goal,

You practice.

If you do attain your goal,

Guess what?

It's gone forever.

Time swallows it forever.

So what's left?

Well,

What's left is your practice.

This is why all that really matters is your practice.

So as you listen to these and you again,

You're listening for one,

At least that kind of resonates with your life.

Remember to commit to a practice after this,

Right?

So take it on,

Take the responsibility on for yourself to say,

Okay,

How can I discover more about this particular obstacle that seems to be coming up for me on a regular basis?

And again,

If you want to check out the course,

That's going to empower you with more tools.

It's the gratitude map,

10 days till grateful mindset.

That's going to give you a lot more tools than what we're doing here,

Obviously,

To really take this to the next level.

And the more things you can commit to the better.

That's really the key is really allow yourself to commit to things,

To have these reminders,

To have that sort of inundation of little commitments that bring you back to the habit.

And then once they have it becomes a little more natural,

It's easier.

So okay,

Let's do it.

The eight obstacles to gratitude.

So first one is inherent nature.

Now what does this mean?

How do I describe this?

Inherent nature is the inherent quality of two things.

One of them is the world outside of you.

And one of them is the world inside of you.

So this is all these obstacles are here by default and we have to reconcile them and also,

Again,

See the gift that they are in disguise.

So the world outside of us is full of what?

Change.

This is the only constant is a change is the only thing that's certain.

And in reality,

It's true that things are always changing.

That's one thing you can totally count on.

And so with that just mechanical aspect of the universe,

There's a lot of things that happen that become obstacles for us to be grateful.

So what does that mean?

Well,

Things change.

So that means you lose things.

You have to maintain things.

So things become a chore.

You may have to move somewhere and you may get injured.

So things are always changing.

We live in time and space.

And because the inherent quality of that universe is partly,

And that's the whole truth,

But part of that truth is that things are separate and bouncing around each other that inherently predisposes us to certain experiences that are become obstacles.

The other side of it is the internal world of our own inherent nature,

You know,

Which is again,

I go into greater detail in the course about this,

But there's a lot of qualities that we've evolved with,

Right?

So one of them,

I'll give you an easy example.

There's plenty more,

But one easy example is negative bias,

Right?

So we've evolved with the predisposition to prefer and give attention to things that are negative.

So if something is negative,

We are hardwired to pay more attention to it and value it.

Why?

Because of survival.

That makes sense.

But that doesn't make sense from a spiritual perspective.

It doesn't allow you to advance,

Right?

So that inherent quality that is there no matter what we have to reconcile.

And so between that and the world that's changing on the outside,

Those two elements together create inherent nature as the first obstacle.

And so this can be a challenge,

You know,

This can be a very big challenge,

But what it teaches us is acceptance.

And this is the gift to find again,

Every one of these obstacles has a gift in disguise and the gift is acceptance for inherent nature.

So change ultimately teaches you to let go,

To be okay with change,

To flow with that which is,

Is a practice of acceptance.

And you can wrap forgiveness into that.

You can wrap,

You know,

A lot of different things in that,

But really it's acceptance and as well as understanding the internal aspects of what makes us human,

Right?

That also leads us to compassion.

You know,

So when you accept another human,

When you realize first off,

The more you study human behavior,

You know,

And it just gets crazy.

I mean,

You realize how much autopilot we are actually on all the time between our personality traits,

Our traumas,

Our triggers,

Ego,

You know,

Our brain automizing everything with habits,

You know,

We are mostly on autopilot and it's crazy.

But when you realize that inherent nature,

It allows you to also see your fellow man in a very different light,

Right?

We become less judgmental.

We become less,

You know,

We tend to think that when people do things that are hurtful to us,

That it's,

You know,

They intend that they chose to do that,

Which makes it,

It gives it a personal element of sort of spite,

Right?

And a lot of times,

You know,

When you can,

This is not easy.

Again,

Easier said than done.

But when you can find acceptance in this inherent quality of human beings of how most people,

The average person is very afraid.

The average person is very insecure.

The average person doesn't have evidence for their success.

The average person does not have a daily gratitude practice,

You know,

On and on and on and on and on.

And when you can see that,

Then it allows the acceptance that you gain is a real gift because it gives you compassion and it allows you to,

Again,

Clear the space.

You'll create that stillness.

When you have an obstacle,

It puts momentum on your mind,

Just like momentum in the physical world.

If you are going in a certain direction,

And I'm using metaphorical words now,

Then it is hard to change direction unless an outside force acts upon that object,

Right?

In this case,

The object is your mind.

So when you find the gift of each of these obstacles,

It's kind of like a little treasure hunt.

When you find the gift of each of these obstacles,

What it truly does is allows you to stop the momentum,

Right?

Because for example,

Before you realize the value of acceptance,

You know,

We are just victims to the world,

You know,

The world's constantly changing.

There's always stuff going wrong and changing and,

You know,

Unexpected outcomes and you're losing things and,

You know,

Whatever money,

Time,

People,

It doesn't matter.

Things are always changing and out of our control.

And so from one perspective,

It seems we are a victim to this reality.

And so when you are in that victim mindset,

That puts momentum on your mind and you feel and do and be a certain way.

But that doesn't allow you to really be happy and fulfilled and be grateful,

Right?

Because you're moving in a particular direction.

It's sort of like you can't lean forward and lean backward at the same time.

It's impossible.

You can only do one or the other.

You can't be hateful or grateful.

You can't be joyful or angry.

It has to be one or the other.

And so when you realize that you can accept what's happening and let go and find compassion and forgive,

Then that dissolves this pull and push of inherent nature and all these other ones too.

Again,

All the gifts of each obstacle,

Which I'll mention,

Allow you to dissolve the momentum and in that space.

Once you've dissolved the momentum and you found stillness,

Then you can create the space for gratitude.

You know,

If I am leaning forward and again,

I use movement because of my background,

Because it's so simple,

You know,

It really is.

I think the moving world teaches us about the invisible world.

But if you're leaning forward,

Let's say really,

Really leaning forward and you want to get back to balance so that you can move in any other direction,

What do you do?

Well,

You stand up,

You know,

You bring yourself back to middle in a,

From a movement perspective in a position of stillness.

You know,

As you're leaning forward,

The more you lean forward,

Eventually you'll fall because you're gaining what's called angular momentum,

Right?

So there's more and more momentum being put on your body,

The farther you lean forward.

But when you stand up straight and you're over flat over your feet,

You have no angular momentum,

So you're in a position of stillness,

Meaning that you can move in any direction you want.

So this is a very simple idea for movement,

But it's very powerful because this is what we do with these obstacles.

We find the gift,

Which is the opposite,

Right?

It's the opposite correcting mechanism.

So again,

If I'm leaning forward,

What do I do?

I go backward.

If I'm leaning too far backward,

I'm going forward.

So through the incorporation of the opposite perspective,

I can bring myself back to stillness.

When I'm in stillness,

I can move in a different direction emotionally,

Spiritually.

What that means is if you are,

Let's say,

For example,

Afraid or angry or worried or panicked or guilty because something is changing in your environment,

Right?

Inherent nature or somebody was,

You know,

Nasty to you because of their inherent qualities of ego and everything else,

Right?

It's a momentum,

Right?

So when you can find acceptance,

Which is the opposite,

You bring yourself back to neutral ground and that new mental state,

That space can now create a state of gratitude.

It's much easier to do that.

You can't go from being pissed off to suddenly,

You know,

You're joyful and happy and creative.

It doesn't work that way.

It has to have,

It has to follow a sequence.

It's kind of like changing gears in a stick shift.

You know,

Again,

All these little simple examples,

But they really do work this way.

Your mind works no differently,

Even though it's all invisible and it's,

You know,

Ruled by language and it's,

You know,

There's no space in your mind.

It's all just a matrix of information.

It still works the same way,

Right?

So if I want to change gears,

I can't go from,

You know,

One to three or five.

I have to go through the middle.

So this is very important.

You have to go through the middle.

And so this is what you have to do with all these obstacles is bring yourself back to the middle,

To that empty space by utilizing the opposite,

Which is finding the gift that each one has to offer.

So inherent nature is the gift of acceptance.

So this is something to remind yourself all the time.

Number two,

Preoccupation.

Preoccupation,

That's pretty,

All these are self-explanatory,

But really it's,

You know,

It's this idea of being worried,

Being anxious,

Being panicky.

Preoccupation is the obsession of something in the future or the past,

Right?

And that's pretty common,

Right?

I mean,

All the time,

Our mind is always going from one to the other.

We are a preoccupied society.

We are preoccupied constantly with everything around us.

And so the lesson here is presence.

It is to be in the present moment because when you're in the present moment,

Again,

You're back in the middle.

You can move in any direction.

If you're stuck in the past,

That's a position.

Think of it as a position.

You're stuck in the past.

You can't really create the future now,

Can you?

Right?

So the same is with everything else.

If you're stuck in the future,

You can't really enjoy the present.

So all these things that we do on a regular basis,

Whether it's planning ahead or worrying ahead or reminiscing of the past in a nice way or worrying about the past,

The mind can go to the future or the past instantly.

It could be a positive productive thing.

Like let's say I'm remembering a fond memory or it can be,

You know,

An unproductive thing.

Like I have some deep regret about something.

I'm just ruminating over it,

Right?

So it doesn't really matter because in either case,

You're not really in the present moment.

Now,

Does that mean you shouldn't reminisce or,

You know,

Have,

You know,

Beautiful plans that you look forward to?

Absolutely not.

But most of the time we do not actively intentionally rein this process in,

Right?

Again,

What is the default inherent nature?

It's our obsession with the negative.

We are hardwired and programmed to prioritize the negative.

So most of the time this process of going to the future or the past is automated and it's going to some negative thing that happened,

Whether it's about to happen.

It hasn't happened yet,

Or it happened in your mind and you think it's negative.

Maybe it's really not,

But we just keep spinning and spinning on it.

Right?

So that process needs to be interrupted and it's interrupted by being present.

When you're present,

You can get back into your body.

You can get back into the situation,

Find gratitude,

And then recreate what it is,

Whether it means reframing the past and finding actually a lesson from it or something you're really grateful for what happened or reframing the future,

Which is,

Okay,

Rather than being afraid of this,

Maybe I'm excited.

Maybe this is actually a really good thing.

Right?

But the only way you can do that is by bringing yourself back to neutral,

Back to stillness through presence.

So preoccupation is number two.

Number three,

Desensitization.

Gosh,

I love this one.

It's such a common one today.

We get desensitized by everything.

So desensitization is very important.

And in the course I talk about some of the aspects of gratitude that are fundamental.

And one of the aspects of gratitude that's very fundamental is your senses.

You know,

Gratitude is a state of being that involves your physical body to some extent.

Right?

So part of it is a linguistic component of what you say,

Right?

About the world or yourself or a situation.

But the other part is your senses and being in the present moment and utilizing your senses.

There's a very sensory or sensual,

Not sexual,

But sensual aspect of gratitude.

And so everything I talk about,

I always put an emphasis on discipline,

On technique,

On living a sensual life,

On developing the ability to find increasingly smaller increments in life.

This is such an important skill.

Anybody who's trained in anything is able to obtain a lot more pleasure from that something than you or I who aren't trained because they have ultimately trained their ability to discern finer increments in that something.

Right?

So by them seeing more information,

They're able to experience that on a deeper level.

Right?

So again,

I use the common example of a sommelier and wine.

I don't drink wine,

But a sommelier will be able to experience so much depth and pleasure where for me,

It's just like,

Okay,

I can't tell the difference between a $9 wine and a $300 bottle of wine,

Which is sad.

I mean,

I don't drink wine,

But if I could,

Wouldn't that be cool?

I could talk about it for hours.

I could see where the grapes were made and I could probably taste the kind of whatever barrel they stored it in.

Who knows?

I mean,

I'm just saying.

But this is the key.

Now really it's about broadening your senses,

Become a sommelier of life.

Right?

So it's about becoming sensitive to life's many changes and degrees and being,

You know,

Again,

In the course,

They talk about different habits that you can employ to train yourself to do this.

And one of them would be,

It's called finding that little something,

Which is one of the 12 habits for building a daily gratitude practice,

But finding always something in your environment that you're curious about that seems interesting that you could take to the next level.

And this is how you avoid desensitization because that allows you to build technique,

Depth,

Curiosity,

And ultimately desensitization teaches us about discipline.

This is the gift.

You know,

When you utilize discipline to really hone your senses and hone your depth,

This is a invaluable skill because it also gives you freedom,

Right?

Somebody who doesn't sense increments in life gets bored very easily.

And when you're bored,

It's a recipe for being unhappy,

Complaining,

Becoming cynical,

Which is,

You know,

These other two,

Some of these other obstacles that we'll talk about later.

So being able to have discipline in your life is not about controlling anything.

It is about developing the depth and appreciation.

It is about honing your ability to hone in,

If that makes sense.

Right?

So desensitization gift is discipline.

Number four,

Fatigue.

Fatigue is a good one.

This one is so common,

Right?

Especially I'm sure everybody's fatigued after 2020,

But you know,

Fatigue is one of those things where it's,

It's a reminder of your own routine.

So discipline plays into it,

But really it's about balance.

This is the gift here.

And what does this mean?

Whenever you're fatigued,

Something is out of balance,

Right?

In your health,

Right?

So for example,

A very easy example is burnout.

If you're working really hard and long hours,

You are going off balance and not respecting something somewhere down the road,

Whether you're not eating correctly appropriately for your body,

Whether you're not sleeping at the right times,

Because you're pushing yourself to work late at night,

You're not using boundaries to say no to certain things or people,

Whatever it is,

There's an imbalance.

And so that imbalance will lead to fatigue.

Fatigue is just a messenger.

Fatigue is not the problem.

It's a messenger that something's out of balance.

And so that ties more into health stuff.

And it could be,

I shouldn't say more into health stuff,

But usually it's health stuff,

But it could tie into also your mindset.

How are you allowing things in your life?

Because fatigue is a sign that something is too much somewhere,

Right?

Most of the time.

I guess it could be also a sign that there isn't enough,

Right?

Maybe you're not eating enough.

And sometimes people do that.

Sometimes people neglect eating and then they feel tired.

So something is out of balance.

That's why fatigue is a great,

You know,

When,

When these obstacles come to you,

One skill that I can tell you is a great skill with all of these is to train your ability to see them as opportunities,

Right?

So when you're tired,

It is a pain in the butt.

I,

You know,

I hate being tired.

Energy is a very defining factor in what I do as an entrepreneur,

As a coach,

As you know,

As a creator.

So having energy is something that's very valuable to me.

It defines my sense of productivity and it defines my sense of quality of life.

So if I'm tired,

It's like,

You know,

There's a whole mental conversation that goes on.

Like,

Why am I tired?

You know,

Why,

You know,

Why do I feel this way?

I shouldn't be tired,

Whatever.

And that only makes it worse.

But really it's a sign that something is out of balance.

And so if you can train yourself to recognize these signs and say,

Okay,

Let me take a long honest look at my life and see what is out of balance.

Well,

You know,

I'm not really eating what I should be eating.

I'm not really saying no and using boundaries correctly.

I'm not really sleeping at the right times.

I'm not respecting my sleep.

I'm getting angry easily,

That kind of thing.

Those are common things,

But all those things lead to fatigue.

And there's maybe some more complicated answers to depending on if you have a health situation,

But see it as a messenger for balance.

This is the key.

All of them are messengers and fatigue is a great messenger to teach you that something is out of balance and to learn more about your body,

To learn more about what's going on and in the process become more masterful at communicating with your body.

So number five,

Scarcity,

Another great common obstacle,

Right?

So scarcity,

What is scarcity?

It is the idea that something is lacking.

Something's not enough.

You know,

So that's probably one of the most commonly attributed obstacles to gratitude is that something is not enough somewhere,

Whether it's you,

Another person,

Another situation,

Your bank account,

The world,

Traffic jams,

Whatever.

The road is not enough,

Not clear enough.

Something is not enough.

And again,

Inherent nature,

Our brain is hardwired to look for what is not enough and constantly compare and evaluate everything around and see,

Okay,

Is it enough?

Is it not enough?

And it's constantly doing that.

So you have to acknowledge that that is just something that's always going to be happening.

And you have to also practice the opposite,

Which is finding courage.

How is courage the opposite of scarcity?

When we are in scarcity mode,

We shrink.

Our heart closes up because we think there's not enough.

So we need to conserve,

Grow smaller,

Save,

You know,

Do everything possible to minimize the bleeding.

And what that does is actually,

It solidifies your descent into the black hole of the swamp,

I call it.

In the course,

I call it the swamp of obstacles.

And you know,

It's a whole metaphor of these different places and it's like a quicksand trap.

But really,

It really does cement.

These obstacles are all almost self-fulfilling in the sense that the more energy you give them,

The stronger they get a hold on your life.

Even with scarcity,

If you think about it,

Right,

So you get smaller and smaller.

And then what do you do?

Well,

You start acting on those smaller and smaller beliefs.

You start doing less for people.

You start,

You know,

Risking less.

You believe less about life and yourself.

And so what does that do?

Do you think that's going to attract the life that you want?

Do you think that's going to create evidence in the world around you that things work out for you?

Do you think that's going to contribute to others?

And then those others will have reason to give you to be grateful?

No,

None of those things.

Right?

So you cut off the abundant cycle when you become scarce.

And so the only answer to that is to be courageous.

In many ways,

Gratitude and generosity,

Especially generosity,

Because generosity is sort of the outpouring of gratitude.

It's our actions.

That is the opposite of scarcity.

When you're generous.

Those are all aspects of the heart.

You know,

Heart is ruled by courage.

So when you can put your chest forward,

Even though you feel that there's a knife there,

Right?

Put your chest forward and be courageous.

Jump.

Take a risk.

You know,

This is what snaps that program,

Interrupts the program.

All these are pattern interrupts.

You know,

All these are interrupts of little mental programs that happen that allows you to get out of that scarcity mode and flip the script.

Because again,

It's not just that it happens.

It is that you stay there that really matters.

Right?

So,

You know,

I,

Like I said,

I've written a book on this.

I've written courses.

I've done talks.

Gratitude is a big part of my life and I'm not patting myself on the back here and saying,

Look at me,

How spiritual I am.

It's really my point is this,

Even with all that every day,

I still experience all these obstacles to some degree.

You know what I mean?

So now the question is,

How long do I stay there?

Right?

So I try my best not to stay there very long.

And this is where the dance is.

It's not about not experiencing these things.

It's about not staying there because the tendency is for us to stay there.

When we become scarce,

We cut off our generosity and our courage.

And so that doesn't allow you to be courageous and get more evidence from life that things work out.

And so you just keep getting smaller and smaller and smaller.

So where your attention goes,

Things will spiral either upward in a virtuous cycle.

And I talk about this in the course or downward in a vicious cycle.

It's not neutral.

So this is really something to get.

And that's why you have to break the cycle,

Literally break the cycle.

So number six,

Complaining.

None of my favorite obstacles.

This one I'm definitely guilty of.

And if it were one that was kind of my main one,

It would probably be complaining.

It would be complaining or the next one,

Which is attachment.

But complaining is something that we all do.

And it is sort of the cheap way to get out of responsibility.

Because when you can blame something or someone,

Then it gives you in a weird way,

The sense of comfort that you just have it figured out somebody else's fault.

It gives us that comfort.

But that's at the price of really creating change in that situation.

So you're really trading long-term authenticity and fulfillment for a short-term sense of comfort and relief in a sense from having to take action when you blame.

So what happens with complaining?

When we complain,

Because I'm going to give you the gift here,

And the gift is vulnerability.

And sometimes when you hear that,

It's not immediately obvious how these two are related.

The other ones I think are kind of obvious.

Preoccupation with presence,

Desensitization with discipline,

That kind of thing.

But with this one,

It's not so obvious.

And I'll tell you,

I'll explain why.

Because complaining what happens when we complain,

We are shifting the blame,

Meaning we're shifting the responsibility of what's happening to somewhere else.

So why do we do that though?

You have to ask why.

Because it's uncomfortable to take responsibility.

Because when we take responsibility,

We have to risk something.

Whether it means we were contributing to the situation,

Right?

Or if you really care about something that you want to change,

If you take the responsibility,

Then that means you have to either invest your time,

Resources,

You have to risk something either way,

Right?

So ultimately,

When you're vulnerable to the situation,

Whether that means vulnerable and acknowledge that,

Hey,

Maybe I had some part to play in this,

And that's not comfortable to think about,

Certainly.

Or I can make a difference in this situation,

But it's going to take X,

Y,

And Z,

Right?

None of those things are comfortable answers,

By the way.

But they require vulnerability.

But when you can exercise that vulnerability,

You stop this low level trade of relief and comfort for your true self,

For your authenticity and your true power,

You stop that trade and you make the powerful trade of saying,

Okay,

I'm going to be vulnerable,

And in return,

I'm going to live my truth,

I'm going to walk my path.

And so complaining is a great reminder that that situation is a situation you can be more vulnerable in.

Again,

Not very comfortable.

None of these are comfortable,

By the way,

Right?

It's very comfortable to stay in the swamp of obstacles,

To stay in complaining,

Scarcity,

Fatigue,

Desensitization.

I mean,

Look at the average person.

Nothing against anybody,

But look at the average person.

Most people are preoccupied,

Desensitized,

Tired of pinching their pennies,

Thinking that they're small and incapable of creating their lives.

As a result,

What do they do?

They complain.

And the next two obstacles,

Attachment and cynicism,

You'll understand how they fit into the picture.

If you're complaining all the time or if you feel that the world is sliding you,

It's easy to become cynical,

Isn't it?

It's easy to become attached to whatever,

Whether that's your story of what's happening,

Right?

Because when you have a story,

It explains away the situation.

And a lot of times it's very difficult to let go of that attachment because then you really have to take action,

Right?

The vulnerability is the key for countering complaining.

And it is the gift that reminds us again,

See these as reminders.

They're messengers.

In many ways,

I should call them the eight messengers of gratitude,

Obstacles or obstacles.

But really it's if you can see beyond them,

They're really messengers.

Okay,

Two more attachment and forgive and cynicism already gave them to you.

I already gave you the gift for attachment,

Which is forgiveness.

So attachment is number seven.

And basically again,

Self-explanatory when we get attached to something that is the mind,

You know,

Sticking to something and not letting it go.

And this is,

You know,

One of the habits that I go through in the course,

The gratitude map,

10 days to a grateful mindset is reframing.

It's one of the 12 timeless habits to building a daily gratitude practice.

And reframing is really being able to practice forgiveness.

Now forgiveness doesn't mean necessarily a person.

It just means letting go of the,

The meaning that you've made of a situation.

And basically,

You know,

When you create a meaning to a situation,

You have dawned the role of the judge,

But in doing so,

You're also caught up in the duality of judge and jury.

When you judge something,

You have to justify it.

And so it just creates this cycle.

It never ends,

Right?

But when you forgive,

It doesn't mean you're pardoning that particular person or situation.

You are absolving yourself from having to judge the situation in the first place.

And this is a very important distinction,

Right?

So forgiveness,

The ability to clean the slate of your mind so that new things can enter is a fundamental skill to practice if you want to create gratitude,

Because ultimately there's always something that's going to fill your mind about every situation.

Why?

Because your mind is constantly talking.

It's a monkey mind.

That's why they call it the monkey mind.

It's always talking.

So you have to give it something to do.

So the ancient times,

They would just find mastery in the present moment to give that monkey mind something to do that wasn't distracting,

Right?

So because you can't tell it,

Hey,

Be quiet monkey mind.

It doesn't work.

It's always going to find something to think about.

So trying to not think is futile,

But giving your monkey mind that full present moment and being becoming masterful at that.

This is what sort of transcends this or hacks that problem.

And part of that is being able to let go of the past,

Let go of the future.

Attachment happens to things that happened in the past.

So this is in many ways related to preoccupation.

It happens to things that happened in the past,

Right?

Obviously things that happen,

We have a meaning about them.

We just won't let it go.

That's just the way it is.

I'm convinced that this is what it means,

You know,

Those kinds of things.

Or to the future,

You know,

I'm,

I'm absolutely sure that this is going to happen.

Well,

Guess what?

The future hasn't happened yet.

It hasn't happened here right now.

This is all there is.

As much as we are convinced about something that's going to happen,

You really don't know until it does.

So this is something to continue to remind yourself because forgiveness and again,

See forgiveness in the broader umbrella of being able to clean the slate of,

You know,

Look at the world around you.

It is constantly changing.

So in a sense,

Forgiveness is baked into the system.

Nothing stays the same.

You know,

The beach on an ocean is constantly being forgiven in the sense of being wiped clean all the time.

You have a new body,

Completely new body every seven years is a completely new skeleton,

Completely new tissues and organs.

You know,

You're a totally different person than you were before.

You started listening to this and now you're listening to me.

You are a totally different person based on the positions of your cells.

Some cells died,

Some cells were born even while you were listening to this.

Right?

So when you see that there is nothing to get attached to in this world.

In reality,

The moving eternal present moment,

There is nothing to get attached to.

You can't.

It's like trying to run,

Grab,

You know,

Running water from a faucet.

You can't.

It just goes around your,

Around your fist.

But we try in our mind to get attached to ideas and meaning and information and it feels like we have a hold on them.

But this is an illusion.

The real,

The real truth with a capital T is ever changing and ever fluid.

Where you cannot attach to anything.

And so when you see that you will taste forgiveness and see the inherent gift that it is to live in a world that's constantly changing.

Because that means you aren't,

You know,

Limited by the things that happen.

Things are always changing.

That means you can change too.

So there's a very big gift in that.

Number eight and the final one is cynicism.

And this one,

You know,

Like the other ones is a little bit different and why do I say it's different?

The other seven are things to continually watch out for and certainly they happen and they happen in the present moment,

Right?

So being preoccupied,

Being desensitized,

Fatigue,

Scarcity,

It kind of just happen.

Being cynical is something that takes a little bit longer to happen,

To get baked into your character.

But at the same time,

Because it takes a little bit longer to happen,

It's also the most dangerous one of these obstacles.

Meaning that if you get to the point where you're cynical,

It's a lot harder to get yourself out of that quicksand trap,

Right?

So the point with this one that I make,

Especially in the course as I guide people through it is you never want to get here in the first place.

All these other obstacles are practice,

You know,

And your daily habits that I go over and how to create a practice and everything.

All of that is so that you don't get here to begin with because it's,

You know,

It's much harder to get out when you've gotten to the point that you're cynical and ultimately cynicism reminds us of the value of faith,

Right?

So when you are cynical,

You have lost faith and faith is the fundamental driver for life,

Meaning to believe that it's going to work out,

To believe in the greater,

To believe in your own power,

To believe it's your own ability to believe.

No religious context whatsoever,

Nothing.

It's just your ability to believe.

And we all have self doubt,

You know,

Myself included,

You know,

Doubt has been a huge obstacle in my life,

But ultimately doubt can be a tool as well,

Just like anything else can be,

But you have to rein it in because most of the time it is not done intentionally,

Right?

So it just runs amok.

And we start to doubt everything and when you doubt everything,

When you lose faith and become cynical,

It's just,

It gets easier and easier to start hating everything and get lost in the mire of that spiritual vibration.

And I can guarantee you that when you're in that mire,

It's very difficult to see and appreciate anything about life.

So you want to prevent that from ever happening through good habits.

And again,

There's 12 of them I go through in the course and some other things too as well,

But it's really about the practice.

That's why I said at the very beginning of this talk,

It's about the practice because your practice will be your insurance against losing faith,

Right?

So things will always change.

I think last year,

You know,

I think I'm speaking for a lot of people when I say this,

That in 2020 I was more challenged in my faith and,

You know,

Faith again,

Not in a religious sense,

But just faith,

You know,

Having to believe in myself,

To believe in things working out.

I was more challenged in that year than any other year of my life.

And for sure,

There was a blessing in that too,

Because it strengthens your faith.

But if I didn't have the discipline,

If I didn't have the gratitude practice,

I've been already doing all these things for now several years.

If I didn't have my routine,

My health routine to help me not have fatigue so I don't get,

You know,

Ornery and annoyed and everything.

If I didn't have all these things,

If I didn't have my practice,

You know,

The one word that encapsulates all these things is practice.

If I didn't have my practice,

I would have gone insane,

You know,

I definitely would have lost faith.

And so it's much harder to get yourself out of that situation.

Those are usually the types of situations where life will throw a very big wake up call at you that forces you to change.

And you know,

Sometimes that's needed,

But how about just not having to get there at all,

Right?

Having a practice of life that helps you maintain and sustain even when,

You know,

Stuff hits the fan and change takes away your certainty,

Takes away your comfort,

Takes away things that you thought were the way they were and it changes them.

You know,

You still can have faith even in the face of change.

So this is very important and that all comes with developing a practice and doing it every day,

Committing to it.

So pick one of these obstacles,

My challenge to you just to review our challenge,

Pick one of these and reflect on it.

Inherent nature gift is acceptance,

Preoccupation.

The gift is presence,

Desensitization.

The gift is discipline,

Fatigue.

The gift is balance,

Scarcity.

The gift is courage,

Complaining.

The gift is vulnerability,

Attachment.

The gift is forgiveness and cynicism.

The gift is faith.

And again,

I go through all of these in my course,

The gratitude map,

10 days to a grateful mindset.

You can check it out on my profile and inside timer.

But that's my second challenge to you is go take the course and see what you learn there and how you develop with your gratitude practice going forward.

But really,

You know,

For now,

You owe it to yourself.

Pick one of these and see which one is the one that you find most recurring in your life right now and journal and see what gift does it have to offer you based on what you've learned today.

So that's my challenge to you.

You know,

Take it one step at a time.

These things happen all the day.

Every day for me,

They always happen.

Like I said,

Even with everything I've done,

They're always happening.

But it's about the practice.

So don't get over.

Don't feel overwhelmed or don't feel don't make it a chore to overcome all these obstacles.

It's really a practice and they're all they're never going to go away.

You're never going to not feel scarcity or fatigue or preoccupation.

You know,

Those are always going to be there.

But how you respond to them is really your ability to dance.

And that's my closing thought to you is that your life is a dance.

So go out there and dance it well.

For more inspiration,

Free resources and bonus content,

Stay connected at DanceOfLife.

Com.

Reviews

Great I plan to attempt to ‘play this forward’. Big gratitude to you🙏🏻

Really helpful, not just same old words!! Thankyou! I can tell you Truely believe and practice what you preach! So honest!🌈🕯☮️

Very helpful & informative. Will look for the whole series. 🙂

Very well organized. Invaluable content. So very helpful to ones practice of being grateful 🙏🏼

Wish this podcast came in the form of a capsule so I could include with my multi vitamin! 🙏

Thank you as I like to listen to this every so often to see which of these blocks I’m currently experiencing.

Yet another amazing podcast thank you so much!!

Well organized talk.

Excellent podcast. Full of wisdom about gratitude. Thank you🌸

Thank you thank you for articulating so beautifully my heart felt beliefs and for making me listen to them x

I listen to a lot of talks here on insight timer and this is one of the best. Straightforward without being judgmental, honest and most of all gentle in its deliverance. Thank you for this message...I will revisit when I need it!

Loved loved loved this! Perfect for Thanksgiving and great tips on how to stay anchored and grateful heading into the holiday season and all year round. Namaste.

That was excellent and clarifying, thank you🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻For years I have practiced gratitude, and it is one of the tools that helps me the most in/on my grief journey since my husband transitioned last year. I am going to check out your podcast on gratitude.
Thank you🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

So GRATEFUL to have found this enlightening talk.
Thank You

Wonderfully insightful and helpful. Thank you so much.

Enlightening talk, thank you. 👍👍

Thank you for your clarity

I enjoyed and appreciated that very much! ☺️Thank you Tudor for all the effort you put into this!

Well done! Really enjoyed this podcast, a must listen to for everyone. Namaste🙏🏼🕊

Excellent articulation explaining the obstacles. This was an awesome awareness to understanding gratitude. 🙏🏼🌈🙏🏼