Standing Beside Someone Bereaved

This talk offers advice for when you wish to offer support to someone who has suffered a death, someone who has been bereaved. What to do, what to say, what not to say, can be a worry. But being present, just being present is the important thing. Jur be there for someone in their time of loss.

Transcript

Dear friends,

This talk is designed to help us when we are in a position where we wish to offer support to someone who has been bereaved.

As it is a talk rather than a meditation,

It will not include pauses for reflection,

Though if you wish you may pause the recording at any point as we go along.

All of us have had or will have the experience of bereavement.

There are times when a friend or a colleague has been bereaved,

Difficult times when it can be hard to know what to say,

What words of comfort to bring.

There can be the human tendency to avoid the issue,

To say nothing,

As if saying nothing is going to make it any easier for someone who has lost a relative or a friend.

Sometimes we mistakenly fear that our words will remind the person of their loss.

We need have no such fear.

The bereaved are well aware of their loss and they do not need words from us to bring that loss to mind.

It is already one of their principal preoccupations.

In these times the most important thing is to let the bereaved person know that you care about them,

That you are there for them.

You naturally express sorrow for the loss but words are secondary.

Your simple presence is everything.

But still there is the worry about what words to use.

On this aspect it is important to be aware of some words that you should not use,

Sentences that definitely will not be of help.

The most obvious one,

I know how you feel.

The reality is that we do not know and cannot know how the other person feels.

Grief is highly personal.

The loss of someone whom we have known and loved is very painful.

Regardless of what grief we may have experienced in our own lives,

We will not know how this other person feels about his or her loss now.

We may wish to try to offer consolation by trying to show that we are putting ourselves in the other person's shoes but we cannot.

The shoes will not fit.

This painful path is always walked alone.

Hopefully there will be people to the right and people to the left offering support but for each person who has lost someone the road following a bereavement is a single lane carriageway.

The person who has died may have had a long happy and productive life but this is not the time to offer consolation by referring to how long and wonderful the life was.

The pain of losing an elderly relative or friend is not eased by the fact that the individual may have had a long and happy relationship with the deceased.

The opposite is more likely to be the case.

The person may be missed all the more.

The bereaved person may themselves have expressed gratitude for a long and fulfilling life.

Such a life is something wonderful and not an everyday occurrence but if that comforting thought is expressed by the bereaved person then well and good.

But it is not for us to say that the life was long enough even though it may have been longer,

Far longer,

Than most of us might manage to achieve.

He or she has gone to a better place.

None of us have been there.

We may believe and hope for that consolation but it is no comfort to someone who has lost a loved one whom they will not see again in the world as we know it.

It was a happy release.

Maybe it was.

In some situations we might feel that if it was we who had endured a painful and long drawn-out illness then death might come as a welcome albeit reluctant friend.

But it is not for us to offer that consolation to someone who has lost someone dear to them.

You will get over it in time.

Yes,

We hope the bereaved person will but the always slow progress towards recovery is very individual and it is to be doubted if we ever really do get over the loss of someone who is dear to us.

In time and piece by piece we pull ourselves together and we get on with life making it as happy as we can and dealing with the reality that we face.

But it is an individual process that is not helped by hearing someone set a timetable for recovery and assuring the bereaved person that all will be well.

At least he or she did not suffer or it was quick.

That may be the sudden death we would wish for ourselves but it is little comfort to the person who has lost a spouse or a relative or a friend.

For those left behind the shock of a sudden death may be very difficult to bear.

No time to say goodbye,

No time for last words and the reconciliation which might be one consolation when a death is somewhat expected.

I lost my mother,

Our father,

Our sister,

Our brother,

Our friend.

The conversation is not about us so we don't compare this person's loss to our own or worse still get onto a conversation where we are seeking consolation for an earlier loss of our own.

And of course there are other words reference to God's will,

Or jings that you must try to get over it,

Exhortations on the need to keep going for the sake of the children,

The need to put on a brave face,

Keep busy,

You will meet someone new,

You are young,

Be brave,

Put your best foot forward,

Everyone loses someone.

The list of unhelpful phrases goes on and on and on.

And there are so many different circumstances which leave people in grief.

There is the loss of our parents,

The breaking of a bond with those who brought us into the world,

The loss of a spouse or life partner which turns the survivor's life upside down,

Loss of siblings and with that a reminder of our own mortality,

The loss of a child,

The reverse of the normal expected sequence of events.

Then there is death by suicide leaving so many unanswered questions and thoughts such as what if,

If only.

There is death by accident again if only,

Death through violence and the question why oh why.

And sometimes it can be forgotten that other people are bereaved,

Not alone family members or remote family members but close friends of the deceased.

Who offers consolation to those who are not the chief mourners?

We have to look out for them too.

The message in all this is that it is important to be there for the person who has suffered the loss.

Try to be of practical help.

Assure them that it is alright if they phone you for a chat and a visit and if they don't phone you then remember to phone them.

In the immediate aftermath of a death and a funeral people will usually be surrounded by the support of family,

Friends and well-wishers.

The practical duties that require attention following a death can keep people functioning in a semi automatic type of way but it is in the weeks and months ahead that support will be more necessary.

There is a line in the song which goes you say at best when you say nothing at all and this might be worth remembering at a time when we are helping someone through grief.

Saying nothing at all doesn't mean keeping out of the way.

It means being there,

Offering practical support and mostly listening so that the bereaved person can move forward at their own pace.

May you be blessed with the gift of being there for someone,

Offering a welcoming light in the dark times,

Offering a shoulder upon which a person can cry if they wish to cry,

Remembering that grief is the price we pay for love.

Namaste.

Reviews

Thank you Tony. This talk was so helpful as I prepare to say goodbye to one of my best dog friends, an old working cattle Dog who has now out lived her body and is hanging on for dear life, reluctant, I fancy, to leave her retirement home where she and I became such closely bonded friends. Good byes are always hard and there's no consolation for the loss of such a great friend as an ever present dog who just wanted to be with me at all times. Namaste

I was searching for somthing to as my sister in law passed away 6 days ago . We had her wake and funeral and I hugged the bereaved family members asking if I could give them a hug and letting them cry without saying a word . Tony’s message validated my feelings and also gave me insight going forward . I mentioned to my husband who is quiet most of the time anyway that I am there for him whenever he feels like talking . Thank you Tony .

Thank you for this wonderful talk which offers great advice. Sending you blessings Tony 🙏

As always Tony you provide a beautiful wise talk to help all who listen

Thank you endlessly for this. My best friend’s mother (who was like a second mother to me while growing up) unexpectedly passed away a few days ago, and this talk made me feel more at ease about how I’ve tried to be present and supportive for my friend (while also navigating my own feelings of grief). Thank you, thank you, thank you 🙏🏼

Thank you that is very helpful and necessary - navigating the bereaved is a difficult process and I am grateful for some heartfelt advuce

Thank you Tony for this very helpful talk at a very sad time when so often we feel inadequate and lost for words.

Thank you for this insightful track. I've been trying to help a friend with their loss at the same time as losing someone of my own. Your words have ensured I can put my mind at ease, knowing I have not said the wrong thing to my friend whilst burying my own grief to keep strong for them. The circumstances of our losses are similar: but events leading up to the deaths are not. I had worried I was "trampling on toes". It helps to know I haven't been.
🙏🏻🌟🙏🏻☯️

So enlighting...things you think are right to express is just the opposite. Thank you

Very sound, helpful counseling at a difficult time. Thank you. ✨🌿🕊🙏💛✨

So much wisdom here that is right on. Two months ago I lost my sister to pancreatic cancer and then my beloved elderly father unexpectedly passed away 2 weeks later. I am in the thick of grief. I wish everyone in my life would listen to the advice here and apply it. Thank you!!

Thank you Tony. Blessings from across the pond. Wishing you the best.

I'm glad to have this helpful talk, as a dear friend has been bereaved recently. After listening, I feel encouraged in my ability to be of comfort and support to her.

Tony I was so happy to find this talk you brought clarity through compassion on this subject . Thank you

Well said and excellent reminders.

Thank you very much for your kind and insightful advice. I work as an RN in an Emergency Dept, and bear witness to grief and the aftermath of losing a loved one.

This, I am adding to the hospice volunteer training I am pursuing. Thank you.

Thank you, Tony. I have made mistakes in the past and this will help me do a better job

Thank you Tony for your wonderful and helpful guidance on this sensitive situation. Namaste.

Tom always provides great wisdom and insight. Thank you!🌼