Overcoming Loneliness

The purpose of this talk is to demonstrate that we do not have to suffer from loneliness. This talk is a follow-up to a meditation here on Insight Timer entitled Reflecting And Meditating On Loneliness. Background music for the poetry: Winter by Alexander Nakarada. Photo by Tim Bogdanov on Unsplash

Transcript

From childhood's hour,

I have not been as others were.

I have not seen as others saw.

I could not bring my passions from a common spring.

From the same source,

I have not taken my sorrow.

I could not awaken my heart to joy at the same time.

And all I loved,

I loved alone.

Extract from the poem Alone by Edgar Allan Poe.

Dear friends,

I have a meditation here on Insight Timer entitled Reflecting and Meditating on Loneliness.

The meditation at almost 25 minutes didn't lend itself to the additional time that would have been needed if we were to look at some of the measures that we can take to deal with this problem of loneliness.

That's the background to this talk.

All the indications are that in the 21st century many people are suffering from what is described as an epidemic of loneliness.

Some people are solitary by nature,

Happy in their own company.

There's no problem with that.

We are all different.

But loneliness is something else.

Unlike solitariness,

Loneliness is not a state of being which is chosen by the person.

Loneliness is a situation of feeling alone,

While at the same time not wishing to feel that way.

And a feeling of loneliness doesn't necessarily require that we be physically alone,

Although that may often be the case.

If we lack a sense of companionship and connection,

We can feel lonely even if we are among a crowd of people.

The purpose of this talk is to demonstrate that we do not have to suffer from loneliness.

Yes,

An effort is required on our part.

Social connection is not going to present itself to us on a plate.

We have to make a move.

But there is no need for us to feel exceptional or odd or strange at having to make this move.

Everyone has to do it,

And only a few of us find it easy.

So let's take a look and see what we might do to break the cycle of loneliness and isolation.

First of all,

And without becoming self-absorbed,

It is important to say that all of us need to take reasonable care of ourselves.

Reasonable care,

So that we can be of better help to ourselves and to other people.

So how do we keep well?

Well,

For one thing,

We can exercise regularly,

And it is important to maintain a reasonably balanced diet.

It must help too if we keep to reasonably regular patterns of sleep and rest.

We should avoid over-reliance on alcohol.

If we drink,

Let it be in moderation,

And let us not use alcohol as a personal escape or as a crutch in social situations.

Most of all,

We must keep clear of non-prescribed drugs.

There is no future there.

We can open up opportunities for connection by cultivating hobbies and expanding our interests.

We can take part in activities that we already find enjoyable and fulfilling.

It will help us well to explore possible new hobbies,

New pastimes and develop new skills.

These activities will bring us into touch with other like-minded people,

And this will help counteract any feelings of isolation that we might have.

And speaking of other people,

It is important that we work to maintain strong,

Supportive relationships.

We do this by keeping in regular contact with family and friends,

Working to develop and maintain close,

Meaningful relationships will require some effort and a little courage on our part.

But we are not alone in this.

Other people are seeking connection as well.

For this to work,

Someone has to make a move.

And we shouldn't just leave it to someone else to make the first move.

Having broken out of our shell even a little bit,

We will gain confidence,

And we'll find it easier to break out even more and more.

Remember that in order to have a friend,

We must be a friend.

Friendship is not a one-way traffic.

Another very useful thing to do is to take part in some form of voluntary work.

Choosing something that we feel matches our talents and our abilities.

Volunteering can provide us with a sense of purpose and community.

We do it to help others,

But we will very likely find that we ourselves,

In a roundabout way,

Become the main beneficiaries.

Helping other people,

We might well discover skills and abilities that we didn't even know we had.

There are other benefits attached to volunteering.

Volunteering will increase our feelings of connectedness as we get to meet other people and we work together to a common goal.

And even though work is good,

It doesn't have to be all work.

Remember too that we can simply join clubs or associations,

Organisations.

We can participate in community events,

Attend meetups,

Attend gatherings around shared interests.

Who knows,

You might even work to establish a group of your own,

Bringing together a community of people with common interests or goals.

Imagine that.

Activities like this foster a sense of belonging and we can all find mutual support within the group.

In our search for connection,

It is wise to limit that screen time.

We must prioritise face-to-face interactions over digital ones.

We find it best to limit our use of social media and the technologies that tend to isolate us.

In short,

Unless you are someone who really enjoys solitude,

It is not comfortable to feel isolated and alone.

And we don't have to feel isolated and alone.

There are so many things that we can do,

So many things that we should do,

In order to reduce this problem of loneliness.

These ideas I mentioned,

Not only as suggestions for ourselves,

But approaches that we can share with other people as well.

The simple fact is,

People need people.

And of course if someone we know,

And it could even be ourselves,

If someone is in a position where they are seriously affected by loneliness,

It is important that they would seek professional help.

They could consider counselling or therapy,

Gain help from support groups.

No one needs to suffer alone.

Now I'm not an expert on social connection,

But I know it is important.

And these are just some suggestions that I hope you'll find helpful.

As we all know,

These talks and reflections on Insight Timer allowed the possibility for people to comment and respond.

I look forward to checking your comments,

Seeing your suggestions,

That you might come up with to help us all feel more confident in the task,

The important task,

Of breaking down barriers and eliminating loneliness.

I'd like to end this talk with a poem.

The poem,

On Friendship,

By Khalil Gibran.

You fear not the nay in your own mind,

Nor do you withhold the ay.

And when he is silent,

Your heart ceases not to listen to his heart.

For without words in friendship,

All thoughts,

All desires,

All expectations are born and shared with joy that is unacclaimed.

When you part from your friend you grieve not,

For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence.

As the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.

And let there be no purpose in friendship,

Save the deepening of the spirit.

For love that seeks ought but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love.

But a net cast forth and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend.

If he must know the ebb of your tide,

Let him know its flood also.

For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?

Seek him always with hours to live.

For it is his to fill your need,

But not your emptiness.

And in the sweetness of friendship,

Let there be laughter and sharing of pleasures.

For in the dew of little things,

The heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

On friendship by Khalil Gibran.

Namaste.

Reviews

Great one, Tony! Thank you! I hadn’t read or heard Gibran’s thoughts on friendship for many years! It still brought tears to my eyes, as it always has.
I credit my Mom for her advice about how not to feel lonely and about making friends: “When you see a new kid in the neighborhood, ask their name and where they live, and if they have any brothers or sisters. Then if they are nice and friendly, ask them if they want to play.” I feel that advice has aged beautifully. It’s still the way I see meeting new people and finding new friends: a bit of curiosity and an opportunity to share. I see it as 5% effort and 95% openness.
Thanks for the lovely talk!
Donna

Feeling less lonely as I eat Dubliner cheese 🧀 and think of you!May we all have deep sense of belonging
Love you Tony

Some worthy suggestions for connecting to others here Tony .
I often see the same people alone at the shopping centre sitting in the comfortable seating provided.
They have their book, newspaper or iPhone, a coffee, morning tea or maybe lunch.
In the winter they have the heating and in summer and humidity the air conditioning.
They can ‘socialize’ without interacting if that is difficult for them, and it is an ‘outing’ .
It’s a worthwhile way to find company if one is not outgoing and a good use of the shopping centres resources other than shopping.