Wise Speech: How To Use Words To Reconnect The World

To align speech with our true nature and vision for the world, we can ask four simple questions. First, is our speech truthful? Next, will it be helpful? Moreover, does it come from a kind heart? And finally, particularly for difficult conversations, are they coming at the right time? With these questions as a guide, we can help reconnect the world.

Please note: This track was recorded live and may contain background noise.

Transcript

After his enlightenment,

The Buddha spent the rest of his life,

Which was about 45 years,

Providing very practical guidance to people about how to be happy.

And this happiness was not so much this passing feeling that you feel warm or satisfied inside,

But was really about trying to resolve this fundamental tension that he identified in life with feeling,

Lots of ways to describe it,

The feeling maybe that you don't fit in,

That things are not right,

That there's sort of a fundamental friction in life which you seem to be fighting against,

Or there's sort of some fundamental problem to solve for your life to be satisfying,

Or some emptiness or incompleteness that you feel.

Regardless of whatever the externals are,

That's one of the interesting things,

You know,

The externals can improve,

But then there's sort of this residue,

This feeling like,

Well,

That's all well and good,

Whatever that thing is,

That's happened,

That good thing,

But that hasn't done it,

Like I'm not still completely there somehow.

He called this experience dukkha,

In the language in which the writings were written down,

Which is sometimes translated suffering,

But I think rather poorly,

It's more this general feeling of unsatisfactory incompleteness of life that just sort of resists all our attempts to improve.

And in the tradition,

His first teaching,

After his awakening,

He set forth this eightfold path,

Which we'll focus on just one tiny slice of tonight,

And it had to do with all of these,

Usually the word is right,

So right view,

Right intention,

Right speech,

Right action,

Right livelihood,

Effort,

Mindfulness,

And concentration.

Okay,

So the eight of them,

I think.

And very interesting to me,

It really kind of covers the whole waterfront of human experiences.

You know,

Some of them has interior states,

Right?

Some of them,

A lot of them have to do with exterior states or things that are happening.

You know,

There's view,

Concentration,

Mindfulness,

Those are kind of all internal things.

And then there's speech,

Action,

Livelihood,

Kind of the externals,

Right?

So,

And for me,

I mean,

The teachings obviously are vast on all of this.

And for me,

You know,

Through the years,

I've just kind of gotten interested in one or the other.

I mean,

For me personally,

I don't try to sort of incorporate them every day,

Like all of them every day.

But like what one will be kind of just really interesting to me for a while.

So I'll kind of dig deeper on that.

And then,

You know,

With time that changes,

And maybe something else is interesting.

So for tonight,

We'll focus on right speech.

So that'll be the small slice for tonight.

And at least for me personally,

This is one that's resonated recently,

Just because I don't know what you think.

But I think for me,

There's a feeling of being surrounded by a lot of unright or unwise speech these days.

So I thought some of these teachings might be helpful to offer an alternative,

Or maybe a more solid place to ground ourselves when we think of speech,

Right speech,

Or wise speech.

And going all the way back to the Buddha,

2500 years ago,

He articulated four characteristics of right speech.

And,

You know,

For me,

One of the marvelous things about these teachings is that,

You know,

You dig into these,

And they all seem very current,

You know,

Like nothing has changed for humankind in 2500 years.

Like,

Maybe we're not making all the progress that we thought we might have in those 2500 years.

So regardless,

So I'd like to talk about these,

You know,

I'd like to talk about these a little bit.

So the first one,

First question you can ask yourself,

Is speech truthful?

Is speech truthful?

And I think all of us have spoken a lot of half-truths,

Maybe,

You know,

Not complete truths.

And,

You know,

There are certain characteristics I can define myself.

There are maybe slags and exturations on one end,

Just a half-truth.

And I think sometimes this is very unintentional.

You know,

You're speaking,

And you'll say something,

At least for me,

Then afterwards,

I'll think to myself,

Like,

Well,

Why did I say that?

What was that,

You know?

And sometimes it's because you're nervous,

Or,

You know,

You're bored,

Or whatever.

So,

You know,

To kind of take it with a certain lightness,

There is a story,

This is a true story,

Of one of these big meditation centers where,

You know,

You're in silence,

You're retreating,

You're in silence,

You know,

And there's a kitchen staff who prepares the meals,

And the kitchen is off-limits,

You know,

You don't go into the kitchen and fix your own food or anything.

So,

Late at night,

There was,

One of the cooks was going in to check on something,

Opens up the big walk-in refrigerator,

And there is a retreatant in the refrigerator,

In the walk-in refrigerator,

With his hand in the box of raisins.

And so,

The cook asks,

Like,

What are you doing in here?

And the answer was,

I'm looking for the maintenance staff.

All right.

So,

This is perhaps an example of untrue,

Unwise speech.

Things that we say that later we ask ourselves,

Like,

Why?

Like,

Why?

Did we say that?

I think there's also the internal press secretary who is sometimes creating the press release about yourself to other people,

Particularly when they ask you a question about something you did or who you are.

And,

You know,

So you have to present.

And the things that you say at that moment,

I mean,

At least for me,

Sometimes I think later,

Like,

Why did I say,

What did I actually say?

Why did I say that thing?

And so,

And there's also the question of,

You know,

These things that you say about yourself,

You know,

Have to do with sometimes also,

What is the truth that you want to express about who you are?

And there can be moments in which you try to maybe overplay your hand.

But there are also times,

I think,

Where you can really understate who you are.

You know,

That sense of trying to diminish yourself or not really recognizing the truth about who you really are.

There's the there's the prayer,

Help me to accept the truth about myself,

Regardless of how good it is.

You know,

There is that prayer about being able to state with confidence,

The truth about yourself,

Regardless of how good it is.

And then,

Of course,

There's public discourse,

You know,

And I don't know what to say about that.

The question of is it true?

You know,

That's certainly,

I think,

A very live question.

And there's that old quote by Daniel Patrick Moynihan,

If you are entitled to your opinion,

But you're not entitled to your own facts,

Right?

You're entitled to your own opinion,

But not to your own facts.

Or I think I mentioned in a previous class,

This reporter I was hearing reporting from Ukraine about the Soviet,

Not the Soviet,

The Russian propaganda during the war,

And made it very difficult to understand really what was going on,

All of the propaganda being done.

But also,

People started doubting whether they could ever actually know the truth about what's really happening.

You know,

What is the truth?

So,

Right speech begins with this question of what is true?

Critical question for speech,

Right speech.

But,

You know,

Truth is not enough in right speech.

And you can imagine if we were all just set out to be truth tellers to each other 24-7,

Like,

Whether you like it or not,

I'm going to tell you the truth,

Everything.

That could be a kind of unhappy world,

If that were the only part of right speech.

So,

The second characteristic,

Again,

From the Buddha is not only is the speech truthful,

But is it helpful?

Is your speech helpful?

Because,

You know,

True words can do harm.

You know,

True words can injure.

And there's lots of varieties of truth.

There's the truth about the good that people do.

There's the truth about how others sometimes miss the mark,

You know,

Or the same thing about ourselves.

And I don't know if anyone has had experience with,

There's a whole theory of nonviolent communication in contemporary psychology that works a lot with this question,

Right?

And here's just,

Here's one example.

You know,

You can say to another person,

You're always late.

Or you can say,

When you arrive 20 minutes after the time we decided,

We don't have time to do what we planned.

Both are true,

Right?

But very different.

So that's,

So true,

Helpful.

Number three is,

Does it come from a kind heart?

Does the speech come from a kind heart?

And maybe,

You know,

You want to work with the language a little bit here,

Because maybe that seems too big.

You could think of,

Does it come from a sense of mutual respect,

Or mutual care?

It really goes to this question of,

Well,

You know,

What kind of world would you like to live in?

You know,

What kind of world would you like to live in?

And how we can shape the world in our own way with these words.

Can the world or our intentions be marked with a certain kindness,

Right?

And we can communicate that with words.

And certainly,

We all know that it's much easier to hear difficult or critical feedback from a person when you know that that's coming from a place of concern,

Or kindness,

Or even love.

You know,

Those words are very different,

Are experienced very differently.

And not to say that we,

That speech cannot be strong,

Speech cannot advocate,

But ultimately,

Does it come from this wholesome motivation?

And then the last of these four,

Okay,

So truthful,

Helpful,

Kind,

Is it the right time to speak?

You know,

Part of this all is not speaking.

It's not speaking.

You know,

The Quakers,

I don't know if anyone's ever been to a Quaker meeting,

But they have this saying that you should only speak if you can improve on the silence,

Right?

And I'll say just for myself,

You know,

The years of meditating,

I have had periods,

I've had these social situations sometimes where I'm very happy to see everybody,

But I just don't,

I don't feel like I need to say anything.

And usually they get worried.

They'll say,

Are you okay?

It's like,

Yeah,

No,

No,

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I just like,

I don't know.

There's nothing there.

But particularly for difficult conversations,

And I think we all have examples as we can think of,

You know,

Difficult conversations,

What's a good time?

What's the right time to have that conversation?

What is a time in which the other person might best be able to hear what we're saying,

And that we,

Too,

Can respond not out of reactivity,

But out of kindness,

Right?

And the sense that that is usually not at the moment when somebody has really gotten to you.

At that very moment,

It may not be the time for you to offer your insights,

Assessment of what is wrong and what is wrong with that person at that moment,

You know?

So there's a lot,

There's a lot to right speech that has,

For those conversations,

A question of,

Is it the right time?

I included this quote from Sylvia Borstein in the email,

Which I often think about,

You know,

One of the founders of Spirit Rock Meditation Center on the West Coast,

Where she said,

You know,

Life can be so difficult.

How can we be anything other than kind to each other?

How can we be anything other than kind?

So there's one meditation teacher who teaches on the same topic,

Who says that he likes to,

Before he goes into a meeting,

He clicks into a meeting or picks up the phone to talk to somebody,

He likes to say very quickly,

Truthful,

Helpful,

Kind,

Timely,

And then click into the meeting as a little reminder,

Or maybe a little post that,

You know,

On your computer as a good reminder right before you dive into speaking.

So how to cultivate these?

Okay,

So there they are.

And I'll send something out to the list tonight or tomorrow with them,

And then also with some other materials for you if you're interested in this.

So how to cultivate these qualities?

So one thing is to recognize that speech is a habit.

It's,

You know,

It's one of those things that has been cultivated over years.

And so to approach these practices,

Not with a sense that,

You know,

You have to get it right,

And then to be disappointed when it's like,

Like,

That was not exactly truthful,

You know,

It's like,

Get it kind of sort of a tightness about it.

But just a sense of sort of inquiry,

Or curiosity about these,

And just allow the practice itself to kind of run its course just to have some confidence that the practice can sort of run itself.

And also that there's a sense,

And I think this is true with a lot of different meditation practices,

That progress,

Like,

You know,

The more you're at this,

Or deepening of the practice,

Has a way of just honing your awareness of yourself and where you are,

And what's happening.

There's a saying from a Tibetan master that,

You know,

Meditation practice is all about self-knowledge,

And the news is mostly bad.

Which is an overstatement,

Of course.

It's an overstatement,

Of course.

But I think the point there is that,

You know,

The practices have a way of kind of really starting to tune ourselves into the way that we have been conditioned over many years,

Over many years,

To think and to talk in certain ways.

And the practices are just,

Are helping us kind of crack that open and look at it with some real curiosity and interest.

And having a sense,

Too,

That,

You know,

Because this is guided by this wholesome intention,

That you will naturally also feel,

On the other side,

This way in which that intention is deepening within you,

And you'll experience those moments of greater connection with people,

Or being able to say something that is,

You know,

Truthful and kind,

That in a way that you feel that resonance.

You feel like,

Wow,

Like,

I'm really communicating with this person in a way that that's very fresh and alive for me.

There's this prayer that goes,

So far today,

I've done all right.

I haven't gossiped.

I haven't lost my temper.

I haven't been grumpy,

Nasty,

Or selfish.

And I'm really glad about that.

But in a few minutes,

I'm going to get out of bed.

And then I'm going to need some help.

So there is that sense in which it's not about getting all the way there right away.

It's like pointing in the right direction and just keep going in that direction.

I had this experience last week.

On all my different jobs,

I work as a lawyer.

In all my different jobs,

I started meditation groups.

So last year,

I changed jobs,

And I started a meditation group in my new job.

And so in last week's session,

There was somebody who just joined the firm,

And she came to the session.

And then that same day at lunch,

I met her.

I got her name,

But I didn't talk to her.

And then they had just a firm-wide lunch that afternoon.

And I so happened,

I just sat down next to her.

And there were a couple of other people.

There were several other people who had been to my group,

Too,

That were just so happened they were sort of around there.

And so she starts asking me all these questions about meditation and about different meditative experiences I've had,

And this and that.

And you kind of feel awkward at that point.

It's like,

We just met.

She seemed very nice,

But we just met.

And she would ask these questions,

And then all the other people started looking at me like,

Oh,

This is going to be interesting.

What's he going to say?

But I thought to myself,

Truthful,

Helpful,

Kind.

Okay.

So I just started saying stuff about meditation and experiences I had.

And I was like a little guy.

I was kind of talking to myself,

Thinking like,

This is kind of a little wild here.

I don't know you,

And I'm in front of an audience.

But what happened was,

All of a sudden,

You felt this connection with these people.

Somebody asked you a question.

I think we all have this,

How are you?

I'm fine.

But like,

Okay,

Well,

I'm actually going to try to answer your question here.

And all of a sudden,

The whole tenor of the thing changed.

And in fact,

The people who were sitting on the other side of me quieted down.

I started listening to what I was saying.

So that's another just guidepost or help in this all.

So it is that,

And maybe this is one way to sum up these different aspects is,

Think about your intention in general.

What is your intention in this moment?

And maybe we'll just try this little exercise together if you want.

If you just take a minute,

And you feel comfortable,

You can close your eyes.

And just for a second,

You think back over time when your speech was not skillful.

That either something you said,

Or you clicked send,

And then afterwards,

You wished that maybe you had said things a little differently.

Or maybe in a moment of frustration,

With a friend or family member,

You said something that you wished you hadn't.

And just get a sense even inside the body right now,

What are you feeling?

What's going on?

And how did the other person receive whatever was said?

So just for a second,

You know,

Just feel into that,

That experience.

So I'm not going to leave you here.

Now,

We're just going to take a couple deep breaths.

And then we're going to move on to a time when you said or did something for another person that you felt really helped those words.

And the way you said them had some beneficial effect.

Maybe it was a kind word or a word of encouragement.

How does it feel in that moment?

And just feeling right now,

It's the body,

Just feeling what is that like right now,

In the body,

In that sense that the other person could feel and receive those kind words or those wise words,

And feel that connection or that uplift.

So just thinking back,

How does that feel inside?

And how did it feel outside?

Back?

Here now?

So maybe just for a second,

Kind of reflect on those two different experiences and the difference,

You know,

The contrast of the experience and also the intention,

The way that that intention that was rooted behind the thing that you said,

Really changes everything,

You know,

Changes everything about that experience.

Gandhi said that your words become your actions,

And your actions become your habits,

And your habits become your values,

And your values become your destiny.

So third pointer is just a note about mindfulness that I think there is this,

You know,

The benefit here is in part in sharpening that tool,

That insight,

That ability to understand what's happening in a way that experience can rush by,

Or that just our very strong conditioning can carry us forward without feeling understanding what's happening in that moment.

So these four qualities of right speech have a way of sort of slowing things down a little bit,

So that you do have that mindfulness,

That non-judgmental attention to what's happening right now,

That have a way of opening up the experience.

And then the last is very much related,

I think,

Is just being able to listen in a very open way.

And I think the characteristics of right speech have a way of just naturally creating that space for you.

But it's also,

You know,

Something you can just reflect on is the quality of listening can just so much affect the quality of your speech.

And we'll try a little something here.

This is eyes open this time.

And you can just feel into the body right now,

Just in that simple way,

Just momentary feelings of,

You know,

The body in the chair or,

Or sensation of clothes against the skin or any,

Any sensation of the body.

And,

And just see if you can keep holding on to that sensation as you listen to me talk.

So you're just going to try it now,

You're going to be able to still feel into those sensations,

You're listening to me.

And at the same time,

You're feeling those sensations.

And you may feel the sensations for a second,

Then lose them and come back,

That's okay.

And you also may feel like,

Well,

I don't want to feel into the sensations too much,

Because then I'm not going to hear what he says.

But you will,

You will hear what I say.

And you'll understand and be able to process,

Even though at the same time,

You're feeling those sensations.

So this is not an exercise to try,

Try all day long to see if you can sustain this.

I think it can be very interesting.

Sometimes,

I know for myself,

If I'm listening to someone,

And like right from the beginning,

I feel like I know what this person is going to say,

I don't really need to listen.

They said it many times before.

So I'm just going to kind of turn off a little bit.

And also maybe a little bit of annoyance enters in there.

So sometimes I try this,

Sort of like we'll feel into the body for a second,

While I'm listening.

And then it's like,

And then you kind of your body,

You have a way of kind of relaxing a little bit.

And it's like,

Oh,

I think I'm listening now.

Oh,

Yeah.

And then even more so,

I think if you're,

If you're in a gathering or meeting,

And you feel there's some sort of tension,

You know,

Tensions rising,

There's some kind of conflict going on,

You may yourself feel like this rush to speak,

Or to say something.

It has a way of slowing things down.

If you can just for a second,

You can just say yourself,

Like,

I'm just going to feel into the body for a second.

I'm not promising not to say anything.

I'm just going to feel into the body for a second before I do.

Okay,

Here we go.

All right.

Because it can have a way of interrupting that fight,

Fight,

Freeze response,

You know,

That it just seems like you're heading in a certain direction.

And just put that gap between the stimulus and the response,

Little tiny little gap.

It has,

You know,

It has a way of the parasympathetic nervous system,

Triggering the parasympathetic nervous system,

Sending a signal to the brain that actually things are okay.

In this moment,

Like things are okay.

And then that opening the space.

All right,

And then,

And now for the advanced practice,

You can try doing this while you're speaking too.

You can try sensing into the body.

Try sensing into the body while you're speaking.

You,

Again,

Your first reaction will be,

I can't do that because I'll forget what I'm going to say.

Because I can't do two things at once.

But if you do that,

It has a way of kind of quieting some parts of your brain,

That those conditioned parts of your brain that know exactly what to say and when to say it and so forth.

And see,

Maybe tap in just a little bit to a more intuitive side of you,

That is just going to say whatever arises at that moment.

So we'll try a little practice on this in a moment.

But before we do,

Maybe just before we do,

We'll just do the very brief return to this prior meditation.

And for this one,

Again,

You can go inside and close your eyes if you feel comfortable.

And just return to this,

Just return to this place,

Which I think for most of us is a very welcome place,

Which is that feeling of the moments in which you have experienced right speech in your own life,

The times that you've said something with what you consider to be a kind heart,

A truthful heart.

And those words have gone out and connected with someone else.

And you feel the wholesomeness of that intention,

Bringing both of you together and feeling into the body to see where that is and what it feels like.

And the goodness of that,

Like that is your true nature that has arisen.

And has connected with another person and brought them benefit,

Tangible benefit.

And the goodness,

Just feeling into that goodness,

Your goodness and the goodness you share with another person.

And again,

Just returning now.