Welcome back to IFS Meditations and Insights.
I'm Tim Fortescue,
Your guide on this journey toward wholeness through the lens of internal family systems.
Together we're creating a sacred space to explore,
Accept,
And love all parts of ourselves.
As we do this work,
We open ourselves to experiencing divine love and living more authentically.
Let's begin.
What does it mean to be self-led?
In IFS we talk a lot about self,
But what does it actually mean to be self-led?
Being self-led doesn't mean you're calm or centered all the time.
It means that even when parts of us feel anxious,
Angry,
Or hurt,
There's a steady presence within that can relate to those feelings with curiosity and compassion.
When self is leading,
We're not trying to silence or fix our parts.
Instead,
We're listening,
Allowing them to share what they need us to know.
Self doesn't control the system.
It leads it with love.
In practical terms,
Being self-led is about noticing who's driving your internal bus.
Is it your perfectionist who's afraid of failure?
Your caretaker who's exhausted but can't stop helping?
Or your angry protector who just wants space?
When you and I notice that a part has taken the wheel,
We don't need to shame it or wrestle it for control.
We can simply say,
Thank you for trying to help,
I've got it from here.
That gentle redirection allows self to return to the driver's seat.
Here's the difference between self-energy and parts or self-like parts.
It's easy to confuse these two.
A self-like part might look calm and collected on the outside.
It might even use all the right IFS language.
But if you look closely,
There's often a subtle tension beneath the surface,
A quiet fear that something will go wrong if it doesn't stay in control.
So be aware of those self-like parts.
They're not bad.
No bad parts.
We know that.
I've learned to love my self-like parts.
And our parts,
Who,
When we're aware that they're younger,
They can still step in and drive the bus sometimes.
They're all doing the best that they can.
Let me share a personal story.
I have a part that tries to appear calm.
When I'm trying to give a presentation or during family stress,
It says,
I'm fine.
You're fine.
I'm leading from self.
I even notice this,
Even though I try not to talk about it too much,
But parts that come up when I'm guiding sessions or leading coaching groups.
But deep down,
There's a tightness in my chest and a voice whispering,
Don't lose control.
That's how I know that there's not a critical mass of self,
Or sometimes when I know and I'm aware of it,
It helps me reach that critical mass.
That self doesn't have to prove itself or maintain an image.
Self simply is.
It's grounded,
Compassionate,
And spacious without effort.
When self leads,
There's a softness in the system.
Parts begin to relax because they feel safe.
They realize they don't have to hold it all together.
And Richard Schwartz,
Founder of IFS,
Describes the eight qualities of self.
The eight Cs,
Calm,
Curiosity,
Clarity,
Compassion,
Confidence,
Courage,
Creativity,
And connectedness.
You might notice these Cs in subtle ways.
They don't have to all be Cs,
By the way,
But it's a good indicator and a good place to start.
Maybe you notice them in these subtle ways.
When you pause before reacting to a text that stings,
When you feel genuine curiosity towards a part of you that's ashamed or afraid,
Often just this awareness can be what leads to a critical mass of self or more self-leadership.
Maybe it's when you sense compassion for someone else's pain,
Even when your own parts are triggered.
You don't need to embody all eight of these Cs at once.
Often just a drop of self is enough to shift the entire system.
Or it's just the drop you needed to reach that critical mass of self-leadership.
Think of it like light entering a dark room.
It doesn't have to flood the space to make a difference.
Even the smallest glimmer of awareness changes how we see everything.
Here's some common misconceptions about being self-led.
One of the biggest ones is that being self-led means being serene or unbothered all the time.
I don't know about you,
But my life doesn't work that way.
I get triggered,
I get tired,
And my parts react.
The goal isn't to suppress those reactions,
It's to meet them with awareness and compassion.
Even just a bit.
Being self-led means recognizing when a part has taken over and gently inviting it to step back.
It's saying,
I see you.
Thank you for protecting me.
You don't have to carry this alone.
There's such grace in that,
Because it means you can be human,
Fully,
Messily.
You hear me say belovedness often.
One time I was typing that and autocorrect said beloved mess.
I think there's something to that.
But we can be fully messily human and still live from a place of self-leadership.
You don't have to wait for the chaos to end before you find calm.
We can bring calm into the chaos.
Just this week I had a chiropractor appointment and was heading out to the chiropractor,
Running a little late as I often do.
On my way my wife called me and if I can be real I looked at that and I'm like,
Oh great,
I just left.
Like what the heck.
It's a part.
But I got the message that our van wouldn't start.
So I had to turn around and on the way back,
It's only about three minutes,
But I was able to pause,
Notice the parts that were coming up,
The frustrated parts,
Parts that carried some anger and oh what about me.
Those parts that were tired.
Emotions were high,
Kids running late for school,
I felt that familiar tightening in my chest and the part of me that wanted to fix everything immediately.
And for a moment,
One part of the other started to take control.
We've got to fix,
We've got to get this right,
What about me,
Parts that wanted to lecture,
To get control,
To make it all stop,
But then I took a slow breath and noticed what was happening inside and I said inwardly,
Hey little ones,
I know you're trying to help,
I've got this.
Instantly,
Felt a little bit more space,
A little more clarity,
Softening of my voice,
Shifting of my presence too,
Not because I said all the right things,
But because I was leading from self and that's the power of self-leadership,
It ripples outward from inside of us,
Even to that external world.
We need more of that today.
When we lead from self,
Our parts trust us more and more.
And when our parts trust us,
Other people feel that trust too.
It's a kind of quiet strength that doesn't need to control,
Convince,
Or fix.
So as we close out today,
Take a moment and ask yourself,
What would it look like for self to lead the rest of the day,
The afternoon,
The evening,
Depending on when you're listening?
Maybe it's offering patience to a loved one,
Compassion to a tired part,
Or grace to yourself when things don't go as planned.
Remember,
You don't need to be fully self-led all the time.
You can't.
You can be a beloved mess,
Messily human.
That's who we are.
But there's a core that self and just a drop is enough to bring more balance and healing for the present moment.
Know that you and I are beloved human beings,
And we can be messily human in a beloved mess sometimes too,
But we're enough.
We've got a core,
A self that can lead.
It's always there.
Sometimes it gets overshadowed by the clouds and the parts that are doing the best that they can too.
