IFS Insight: Navigating Life's Patterns With IFS

In this episode, Tim Fortescue delves into the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model and its role in personal growth and self-discovery. He highlights the significance of recognizing recurring patterns in your life and understanding the inner parts that shape them. With a focus on curiosity and compassion, Tim encourages listeners to engage with these parts, fostering healing and creating lasting, meaningful change.

Transcript

How are your parts?

I know since I was with you last,

I took a trip to South Carolina,

The southern part of the United States.

For those of you who may not be aware where I grew up,

Spent the first 20 years of my life and went there to officiate a niece's wedding.

And it was the first time that several of my kids had been there,

Had been over 10 years that I had been there.

And just going there,

Still continuing to process my parts and the parts of me that are younger,

That really relate to that location,

To that land.

And so just trying to be gentle with myself and to stay curious to those younger parts of me that may have been stirred up and some,

It may have been a while.

And so be aware of your parts and particularly what we're going to talk about today is in specific patterns or situations in your life where they may show up more than others.

And I'm going to be aware of is when I visit places where I grew up to be more aware of the parts that come up for me,

Because there are definitely some patterns there.

And so stay curious and be gentle with your parts.

I'm telling this to myself because we're all doing the best that we can.

And today,

As I mentioned,

We're going to dive into something that I've been thinking about as a result of what I just shared among other life instances.

But those recurring patterns in our lives,

And we've all got them,

Right?

Certain behaviors or thoughts that keep showing up even when we try to change.

And sometimes no matter how much we work on ourselves,

It feels like we're stuck in a loop.

Today's episode is about recognizing those patterns and getting curious about the parts of us that show up in them and working with those parts and that curiosity and compassion to create a more meaningful change so that we can get out of that loop when it's appropriate.

And whether you're familiar with internal family systems or you're just starting to explore it,

I think you'll find today's content helpful.

So let's take a deep breath and get comfortable and dive in.

Recognizing the patterns in your life.

And you know,

Patterns are a funny thing.

I think a lot of us go through life without really noticing them at first.

We might recognize that we keep getting into the same kinds of situations or feel stuck in the same kinds of emotions,

But it's hard to put our finger on why.

And I get that.

It's not always obvious.

For me,

One of the most persistent patterns in my life,

And I mentioned it last time,

It's overworking or obsessing about certain things.

Like I said,

I know I've mentioned this in past episodes,

But it's one of those things that keeps coming up for me.

There's this part of me that I call the taskmaster that just never seems to be satisfied.

No matter how much I get done,

There's always more on that to-do list.

And honestly,

It can be exhausting.

I remember one time about two years ago,

Things got really out of hand.

My coaching practice was growing.

I was working on developing new resources for clients,

Running some workshops,

And on top of that,

Trying to be present for my family.

The taskmaster part of me was pushing me hard,

Really hard,

And I was staying up late at night to squeeze in extra hours wherever I could and running on pure adrenaline at times.

On the surface,

Everything seemed fine.

I was getting a lot done.

I was productive,

But my personal health and my family was lacking,

And the attention that I needed to give there was lacking,

And underneath,

I was burning out.

And my wife and family,

As usual,

Could see it before I could and asked me to take breaks,

To rest,

But I just couldn't turn it off.

And it wasn't until I started feeling physically run down,

Headaches,

Fatigue,

That I had to admit that there was a problem.

And that's when I really started to pay attention to this pattern.

It wasn't just about work.

This pattern of constantly doing,

Constantly producing had been with me for as long as I could remember,

And it's still with me.

I have to consciously take a break,

Put off work,

Knowing that things are never going to be done,

And some of this boils down to me having some ADHD.

And so being cognizant of that,

Trying to understand myself,

Help others understand,

And it's in getting curious about those parts that has led and continues to lead to more growth for me.

So let me ask you,

What patterns do you notice in your life?

What behaviors or thoughts keep recurring for you?

Maybe it's overworking like me.

Maybe it's procrastination.

I can relate to that part,

Too.

Avoiding conflict or getting stuck in self-doubt.

Whatever it is,

Take a moment to think about it.

What behaviors or thoughts keep recurring in your life?

And once I started to notice this pattern of overworking,

The next step was figuring out which parts of me were responsible for it.

Once I started to notice this pattern of overworking,

The next step was figuring out which parts of me showed up during that time of obsessing and overworking.

That's where IFS or Internal Family Systems really comes into play.

As I sat with this overworking part,

I started to get curious about its motivations.

What was it trying to do for me?

What was it protecting me from?

When I finally connected with that part,

The Taskmaster,

It told me something surprising.

It was afraid.

It was afraid that if I didn't keep pushing myself,

If I didn't keep achieving,

Then I wouldn't be enough.

I wouldn't be worthy of the success I had built or the trust my clients had placed in me.

That was a huge revelation for me,

Because on the surface,

I thought this part was just about productivity.

But underneath that,

It was driven by fear and the need for validation.

That's what IFS teaches us.

These parts that seem so rigid or demanding,

Like my Taskmaster,

Are usually trying to protect us from something deeper.

They've developed these behaviors as coping mechanisms,

Often from experiences way back in our past.

Maybe you have a part that's stuck in people-pleasing,

Or a part that's always worried about things going wrong.

These parts are trying to keep us safe,

Even if their methods don't always align with what we need now.

And I tell you,

I'm speaking to my parts when I work with clients,

Because they can jump in,

My seven-year-olds,

They've got to take care of this person in front of me.

And they don't.

If they could trust and just go play and be seven-year-olds.

I'm driving the bus.

Something bigger than me is driving the bus.

I don't have to fix.

And that's when the healing happens,

Is when these overworking,

People-pleasing type parts can be valued,

But they can soften back,

They bring us gifts.

They're part of a bigger team.

So let's pause for a moment.

Think about the patterns in your life that may have surfaced earlier.

Now ask yourself,

Which parts of me show up during these patterns?

What are they trying to protect me from?

Let your parts know you can spend more time with them,

Too.

But once we've identified the parts that show up in our patterns,

The next step is learning how to work with them.

In this part,

This is where the magic happens.

But it's also where we need to slow down and approach with compassion.

One thing I've learned over the years is that these parts don't respond well to force,

And that's where,

When my helper fix-it parts even jump in with my own work or in a session,

They're wanting the best,

But it doesn't usually come out the way they want.

But if they can soften back,

They're often surprised at the bigger team they're a part of and where the healing can happen.

When I tried for a long time to fix my overworking part,

I thought if I could just will myself to rest,

To slow down,

I'd be fine.

But it didn't work.

It wasn't until I started approaching that part with curiosity and compassion that things really began to shift.

Instead of trying to shut it down,

I began to ask it questions.

What do you need?

What are you afraid will happen if I rest?

And as I mentioned earlier,

It revealed its deeper fear.

This belief that I wasn't enough if I wasn't constantly producing.

Over time,

I began to build a relationship with that part and continue to acknowledge it and build a relationship today.

I've reassured it that my worth wasn't tied to my productivity.

I started to give myself permission to rest.

Now that part still shows up sometimes.

I don't think it'll ever completely disappear,

But the difference is that now I can recognize it and work with it in a much healthier way.

So as you reflect on your own patterns,

I encourage you to approach your parts with curiosity instead of getting frustrated with yourself or trying to change the pattern overnight.

Take some time to sit with your parts.

Ask them what they need,

What are they afraid of,

What do they want you to know?

How can you work with these parts to understand and potentially change these patterns?

So to wrap things up for this episode,

I want to leave you with this thought.

The patterns in our lives don't define us,

And neither do the parts that show up in those patterns.

These parts are here to help even if their methods don't always serve us in the best way.

By getting curious about them and working with them,

We can create real,

Lasting change in our lives.

So this week,

I challenge you and me to take some time to reflect on the patterns that are showing up for you.

What's coming up repeatedly?

Which parts are showing up during those patterns?

And how can you begin to approach those parts with curiosity and compassion?