IFS INSIGHT: Handling Overwhelm In The Moment

Join Tim Fortescue as he delves into the experience of "flooding" within internal family systems. In this insightful session, Tim shares personal stories of feeling overwhelmed and offers practical guidance on how to recognize and manage these moments. Discover how to harness self-energy to create space and clarity, and learn to lead with gentle awareness. This episode is a reminder that overwhelm is not a failure, but a sign of your system working hard to protect and manage important aspects of life.

Transcript

Welcome back to IFS Meditations and Insights.

I'm Tim Fortescue,

Your guide on this journey toward wholeness through the lens of internal family systems.

Together,

We're creating a sacred space to explore,

Accept,

And love all parts of ourselves.

As we do this work,

We open ourselves to experiencing divine love and living more authentically.

Let's begin.

In this session,

We're talking about something we all experience.

Overwhelm.

In the moment.

You know those times when it feels like your whole system is just loud.

Emotions crash in like waves.

Anxiety.

Shame.

Frustration.

Freeze.

Maybe anger.

Maybe grief.

It's like all the parts are talking at once and none of them are being heard.

Your chest feels tight.

Your thoughts are racing.

You can't quite land anywhere that feels solid.

If you've ever felt that way,

I'm guessing you have.

I know I have.

This episode may be helpful for you.

Today we're going to explore how to notice when you're being flooded by multiple parts,

And how to gently access enough self-energy or simply to notice it to shift the experience.

Not to make it all go away instantly,

But to create a little bit of space.

A little bit of ground beneath your feet.

We'll walk through what flooding actually is.

I'll share a personal story,

And then we'll explore a simple practice together.

Then reflect on what your parts might need in those intense moments.

Take a breath with me and settle in.

Let's begin.

Let me take you to a moment in my life.

A real one.

Not polished.

Not perfect.

I've been diagnosed with ADHD.

Often I wake up in the morning before taking my meds and feel a strong sense of blah.

I'm overwhelmed.

In the meantime,

I'm getting responses from folks like you who say,

Thanks so much for your work.

You made me think of this a different way.

My life is changing.

Or you've got a Stuart Smalley type energy.

I didn't even know who that character was,

So take a look if you're curious.

But often when I wake up,

I'm overwhelmed,

And my life is changing too.

Man,

I'm so grateful for this journey and for what I do.

But in those moments when I wake up,

Blah.

I often have lots of good ideas,

But I don't know where to start.

And I'm also often on to the next thing before what I need to get done is even completed.

Yeah,

Your parts that say,

Wow,

I'm lucky that you've been showing up consistently here.

Take those in,

And I'm going to keep showing up.

But sometimes it's a struggle.

Sometimes this happens when I need to stay home with a sick kid from school,

And this only adds fuel to the fire.

My inner critic is absolutely screaming,

You're falling behind.

Everyone's going to see you can't handle all of this.

And in case you didn't know,

You're a fraud,

By the way.

You're going to be found out.

And I chuckle because I love this part.

Man,

He's doing the best he can,

But you'd be harsh sometimes.

Yeah,

He's not done yet.

He goes on,

You should be a better parent too.

Doesn't your family mean anything to you?

And at the same time,

A younger part of me,

One that feels really small,

Pushed down,

Literally exiled and exhausted,

Particularly in these moments,

Just wants to crawl under the bed.

Yeah,

Not in the bed,

Wants to crawl under the bed,

Then pull the covers over his head and hide from all of it.

Another part panics,

Scrolling through my phone as if somehow checking something online or playing another round of one of the hundreds of games that I've downloaded and played once,

Or checking the news.

It's going to magically make everything better.

Spoiler alert,

It doesn't.

But these parts are trying hard and just being aware of them is so helpful.

And in these moments,

It feels like I'm splintering,

Like I'm being pulled in six different directions at once,

Sometimes 66.

My body gets tense,

My breathing becomes shallow,

And I can't even think straight.

Here's the thing.

I teach this stuff.

I know about parts.

I know about self-energy.

My critic reminds me of that fact regularly.

But in those moments,

I'm flooded.

And so that's a pretty good example of flooding in my own life.

And what I try to do in those moments doesn't solve everything.

It doesn't make the overwhelm fully disappear,

Or my kids' fever go away,

Or delete all those emails that make me anxious.

But it does shift the energy inside me.

I try to remember to pause.

I physically stop what I'm doing,

Step away from my computer,

Away from my phone.

I sit down on my couch and I put my hands on my chest,

And I start to name what I feel happening inside.

Okay.

I say to myself,

Here's the panicked part that thinks everything's falling apart.

Here's the exhausted part that just wants to give up.

Here's the judgmental part that's saying I'm failing.

Just naming them helps.

Not a lot,

But a little.

It's like turning on a light in a chaotic room and starting to see what's actually there.

And then I breathe.

Just three slow breaths.

One with each part.

I don't try to make them go away.

I don't try to fix anything.

I just breathe and acknowledge that they're there.

Then I try something.

I picture myself sitting in a circle with these parts.

Like we're all in a room together.

The panicked one,

The tired one,

The harsh critical one,

And me with just that drop of self that helps me be the leader and to be self-led.

And from that place,

I sit with them.

No fixing,

No pushing them away,

No judging them for being there.

Just being together.

And from there,

Something softens.

Not everything,

But something.

There's a bit more space inside,

A bit more room to breathe.

Enough self-energy comes forward for me to ask a simple question.

What do you each need right now?

The panicked part needs to know we're not going to drown.

The tired part needs permission to rest,

Even just for 10 minutes.

The critical part needs to know I'm taking it seriously,

That I'm not just going to ignore the deadline.

It's good to remind them who I am too.

That they're the parts that make me up who I am with the gifts they bring.

They're not the burdens that they carry.

And from that place of a little more clarity,

A little more self,

I can make a decision.

I can reach out to my partner for help with our child,

Though I do have to spend some time with the part that finds it hard to be vulnerable first.

I send one email about moving forward on a project.

I take a 15-minute break to lie down.

And sometimes some of my parts push for longer,

But we negotiate.

And then I come back to work with just a bit more capacity.

Let's unpack what flooding actually is and why it matters.

When we're overwhelmed,

It's actually not just one part taking over.

It's a crowd.

It's multiple parts all activated at once.

Each one trying to protect us in its own way,

But together creating chaos,

Confusion.

Think of it like this.

Imagine you're in a meeting and everyone starts talking at the same time.

No one can hear each other.

Nothing gets resolved.

Everyone just gets louder.

That's what's happening inside when we're flooded.

And in internal family systems language,

We'd say that self-energy,

That calm,

Compassionate,

Curious,

Connected presence at the center of who you and I are gets pushed into the background.

Gets clouded out,

Still there,

But the parts take over the room.

And without self-energy there to bring some clarity,

It just feels like chaos.

Sometimes flooding happens fast.

An argument with your partner,

A piece of bad news,

A triggering comment from a family member.

Someone cuts you off in traffic and suddenly you're shaking with rage and also feel guilty about feeling rage and also wondering why you're so sensitive and spiraling into shame.

That's fast flooding.

Other times it's a slow build.

The stress of parenting day after day.

Deadlines that keep coming.

Loneliness that builds over weeks.

Financial pressure.

Too much on your plate for too long.

The parts start stacking up,

One on top of the other,

Until suddenly you're at capacity and one more thing,

Even a small thing,

Sends you over the edge.

You might notice flooding in your body first.

Tight chest.

Shallow breathing.

Tension in your jaw or shoulders.

A feeling of being trapped or frozen or maybe restless.

Like you need to move or escape,

But you can't.

You might notice it in your thoughts.

Racing mind.

Can't focus.

Replaying the same worry over and over.

Or maybe the opposite.

Your mind goes blank.

Shuts down.

Can't access anything.

And emotionally,

It might feel like too much all at once.

Or it might feel numb,

Like you've shut down completely.

All of this is your system trying to cope.

It's not a failure.

It's actually your parts working really hard to protect you from something that feels overwhelming.

So what do we do when we notice we're flooded?

Here's a practice that is helpful for me to handle overwhelm in the moment.

It's simple,

But that doesn't mean it's easy.

Especially at first.

Step one,

Pause.

That moment of awareness is everything.

It's the moment you notice,

Oh,

I'm flooded right now.

This is what's happening.

You might literally need to stop what you're doing.

Step away from the conversation.

Put down your phone.

Pull over if you're driving.

Go to the bathroom if you're at work.

Create just a small moment of space.

Step two,

Get curious and name who's here.

Try to identify two or three parts you sense are present.

You don't need to get it perfect.

Just start noticing.

It might sound like,

Okay,

Here's the fixer who wants to get everything under control right now.

Here's the scared one who wants to avoid and hide.

Here's the one who thinks I'm failing at everything.

Or maybe there's an angry part.

There's the sad part.

There's the part that thinks I shouldn't feel this way.

Just naming them even roughly starts to create a little bit more separation.

You're beginning to see them as parts rather than being completely taken over by them.

Step three,

Breathe with them.

Give each one a little attention.

Take a few slow breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth.

No agenda.

No pressure to change anything.

Just breathing and acknowledging that they're here.

You might even picture them as you breathe.

Maybe you see them sitting across from you.

Maybe you sense them in your body,

One in your chest,

One in your stomach,

One in your throat.

However it comes to you is fine.

Step four,

Notice a little self-energy because it's always there,

But it gets clouded out.

Then from that place,

Ask what they need.

This is where we bring an awareness of self to the conversation.

Self is that core of you,

That center that can be calm,

Curious,

Compassionate,

And connected even when things feel hard.

Even a small percentage of self-energy,

Five percent,

Two percent,

One percent,

Can begin to calm the waters.

From that place of self,

Even if it's just a little bit,

Ask your parts,

What do you need right now?

You might not hear an answer right away.

That's okay.

The question itself is an act of care.

It's you saying to your parts,

I see you.

I'm here with you.

You matter.

Sometimes just that acknowledgement brings relief.

Sometimes parts need a bit more,

Maybe reassurance,

Maybe permission to rest,

Maybe to know you're taking their concerns seriously.

Let's pause as we begin to wrap for today and try this together.

I'm going to guide you through a brief version of this practice.

If you're driving or doing something where you can't close your eyes,

That's totally fine.

You can just listen and feel into this just a bit.

Take a moment and check in with yourself right now.

How are you feeling?

What's present in your system?

See if you can notice if any parts are activated.

Maybe there's something you've been carrying today.

Maybe there's something that came up as we've been talking.

Maybe things feel relatively calm right now.

That's fine too.

It's good to acknowledge that.

If you notice any parts,

See if you can name one or two.

You might name them by the feeling,

The anxious one,

The tired one,

The critical one.

You might just sense them as an energy or presence.

Take a slow breath in and a slow breath out.

As you breathe,

See if you can acknowledge these parts.

Maybe you say internally,

I see you.

I know you're here.

Now,

See if you can access even a small amount of self-energy,

That calm,

Compassionate presence.

It might feel like just a tiny bit of space opening up,

And that's enough.

From that place,

Ask your parts.

What do you need right now?

Just notice what comes.

It might be words.

It might be a feeling.

It might be an image.

Or maybe nothing comes yet,

And that's okay.

Take one more deep breath.

When you're ready,

Come back to where you are.

Now,

I want to be really clear about something.

You don't have to fix it all in that moment.

Those are other parts that may want to fix it in that moment.

Maybe bringing awareness to them can be helpful.

You don't have to have all the answers or make all your parts feel better immediately.

Just bringing enough space to breathe and be with your parts is a powerful shift.

Think of it like this.

When a child is upset,

What do they need first?

Not solutions,

Not lectures.

They need someone to see them,

To be with them,

And let them know they're not alone.

Our parts need the same thing.

Here's what I've found in my own life and in working with clients.

The more we practice this,

Pausing,

Naming,

Breathing,

Asking,

The more capacity we build.

The moments of flooding don't disappear,

But we get better at working with them.

We develop what we call self-leadership in those hard moments.

It can be like a muscle,

Even though parts of me hesitate.

That can break down really quick,

So take it for what it's worth.

The first time you try to pause and check in with your parts when you're flooded,

It might feel almost impossible.

You might only get a glimpse,

But the 10th time,

The 20th time,

You start to notice it's easier to access that little bit of self-energy.

You start to trust that you can work with your system,

Even when it feels chaotic.

Before we close,

I want to give you something practical to take with you.

If it helps,

Consider keeping a simple journal or notes on your phone about these moments.

Next time you notice you're overwhelmed,

Write down what you notice.

It might be a short list of parts,

The panicked one,

The shut down one,

The perfectionist,

Or you might just write one word for each part,

Anxious,

Angry,

Numb,

Small,

Or write a simple reflection afterward.

What did I need in that moment?

What helped?

What made it worse?

These notes become breadcrumbs.

They help you start to see patterns.

Maybe you notice that certain situations tend to activate the same parts.

Maybe you notice that certain practices work better for you than others.

Maybe you start to see that one part shows up more often than you realized.

This isn't about judging yourself or analyzing yourself to death.

It's about building awareness.

Awareness is the first step toward change.

As you move through your week,

Keep this in your back pocket.

Pause,

Name,

Breathe,

And ask.

You don't have to be perfectly calm to do this.

You don't have to have your life together.

You don't have to be some enlightened,

Centered person who never gets overwhelmed.

Just a little bit of self can make room for the rest of your system.

Here's what I want you to remember the most,

And I'll take it in too.

Overwhelm is not a failure.

It's not a sign that you're broken or that you're doing life wrong.

Overwhelm is a sign that your system's working hard to protect and manage something important.

Your parts are trying to help you even when it feels chaotic.

So be gentle with yourself this week.

Notice the moments when things feel big.

Practice pausing.

Practice getting curious.

And trust that even small shifts create change over time.

Thanks so much for being here.

Take good care of yourself.