Relationship Problems? The Perfect Mirror For Real Healing

We often feel deeply disappointed or frustrated with others, believing they are withholding the connection or love we sincerely crave.
In this talk, Tiger Singleton offers profound clarity on the nature of relationships, bridging deep spiritual insight with practical human experience. See this external drama as a gift: a beautiful mirror that is holding space for us to see what is truly going on inside.

Transcript

This beautiful display of our humanity and relationships and all of the mirrors that we encounter,

They are fundamentally in service to helping you heal the relationship you have with yourself.

And it's wild that we might be totally unaware that that's what's happening.

We might be totally unaware that that's what we really want.

You know what I find interesting about relationships?

Is how closely tied they are to the fulfillment of what it is we are ultimately searching for inside of ourselves.

What do I mean by that?

What I mean is,

As a human being,

We are fundamentally searching for something.

You could also say we are deeply longing to understand something or to connect with something.

And relationships serve a vital function in helping us unite with whatever it is that's being searched for.

Now,

Of course,

We have our human hangups that misunderstand all manner of things.

And in the play of relationships,

It's so easy to assume that the other person has what it is we are looking for.

Can you see how this might be so?

And this points to one of those foundational discoveries about spirituality and life that I feel are so paramount to understand,

Which we might describe as the illusion of seeking in the world.

And this could also be said as the illusion of seeking in relationship,

Where we understand that,

Yes,

I'm looking for something.

Yes,

Something in me longs to understand something for the purpose of connecting with what my heart truly craves.

And the illusion of seeking that makes it all so problematic is the assumption that what you're searching for is out there.

What you're searching for is held by somebody else.

And in that assumption,

It can make it appear that someone is either giving it to you or they are withholding it from you.

And what a disaster that sets up,

To see a world where somebody else is withholding the thing you want most.

Somebody else,

Or even life out there in the world,

Is somehow withholding from you the very thing you are here to find.

Do you see how that paints a picture of a world that is not a very nice place?

And what's fascinating in that is to see that that world that is painted is based off of the assumption that what you're looking for is outside of yourself.

It just sets it up to look that way based on the assumption.

And furthermore,

The more you look at the world,

The more it is recognized that this primary thing that you desire,

The primary thing you're looking for,

Is contained within the totality of what you are,

Then it sets up a different image of life altogether.

And maybe we can paint a picture that says it's not being withheld by anyone.

It's not given to you by anyone.

But in fact,

The world itself acts as a mirror that invites you to look more deeply within yourself.

And in the illustration of that,

Can you also see that that is the mechanism of relationship where to be in relationship with anything is to show you yourself.

The act of relating is what allows for you to experience yourself.

Without relationship,

There is no experience of self,

Which shows you the vital importance of this something that we call relationship.

Do you see how interesting that is?

Where fundamentally,

You crave something specific,

Whereas there's one thing that you want most in life.

And then in the foundation of this landscape,

Relationships are required in order for that to be discovered.

And this relating goes beyond relating with people.

I'm relating with the chair that I'm sitting in.

I'm relating to this microphone in front of me.

I'm relating to this room that I'm in.

To really dive in,

There's some fundamental things we need to get a grasp of or understand,

Or at least illustrate that helps this discovery seem a bit more clear.

As I said,

Relationships are a mirror.

They are showing you yourself.

For example,

As an illustration,

If I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I see a tree and I think to that tree,

I hate you tree,

You're so annoying.

I wish you didn't exist.

What is the tree showing me?

If the tree's a mirror,

What is it showing me?

Really look at this,

Right?

Imagine you wake up in the morning,

It's a brand new day.

You step outside and you're pissed off at the tree.

And we have to use the tree here because we have to detach a little bit from our personal relationships to see the principle more clearly.

But can you see that it's profoundly true that before you were bothered with the tree,

You were bothered with yourself.

There was something going on inside of you with your relationship with yourself that was then projected onto the tree,

Whereas it looked like the tree was pissing you off.

So the mirror of the tree is simply to say,

You are pissed off.

And how wonderful for the tree to stand there and hold space for you,

To see yourself.

Now,

Isn't it interesting in this human experience to step outside and look at the tree and hate the tree and truly believe that it's the tree?

Isn't that fascinating?

Now,

We might say,

Well,

That's silly.

Of course,

It's not the tree.

The tree didn't do anything.

The tree's just standing there.

Hold on,

We'll get there.

I'm pointing to a principle that is true all of the time,

Whether you're mad at the tree,

Mad at the chair you're sitting in,

Mad at an organization,

Or mad at your family or your partner.

I'm pointing to the mechanism of relationship in the way that it is holding space for you to see what is going on.

What is going on inside of you?

Furthermore,

Let me ask this question about the tree.

If I step outside and I say to the tree,

You're such an ugly tree.

Look at you.

Your branches are all crooked.

You're not even standing up straight.

You're so ugly.

And the follow-up question here is,

Am I speaking to the truth of the tree or am I simply sharing how I am perceiving the tree?

And isn't that fascinating?

There's a tree there and I can see it as ugly.

Does that make it ugly?

No,

But I can see it that way.

And equally fascinating,

As I see it as ugly,

Where is the ugly felt?

As I hate the tree,

Where is the hate felt?

Isn't it interesting that the ugly I think I'm giving to the tree is the ugly I experience?

The hatred that I'm giving to the tree is the hatred I experience.

And yet the tree just stands there,

Being what it is.

This speaks even more to the mirror principle.

Whereas whatever it seems like I'm giving to another,

I'm giving to myself.

And in the illusion of things,

It might look like the tree is giving it back to me.

Do you see that illusion?

If I'm giving ugly to the tree,

I can say,

No,

It's because the tree is ugly,

Therefore I see ugly.

The tree is giving me ugly.

Just like giving the tree hatred,

You could say,

No,

It's the tree's fault that I hate the tree.

Therefore,

The tree is giving me hatred.

I feel hatred because of the tree.

This all speaks back to the original intent of spirituality,

Which is asking the deeply honest question,

Wait,

What the hell is really going on?

And can you see in the misunderstanding that assumes it's not a mirror,

That assumes it's really the tree giving you all that crap?

It makes for a very complicated human experience.

Yes,

There is what it looks like.

Furthermore,

There is what it can look like.

But the deeper question is,

What is actually true?

Which is similar to the question of what is actually real?

Why is all of this important to say?

And before I say why,

If I remember,

I wanna just offer the disclaimer that all of these words are just pointing.

The truth of the matter can't actually be spoken.

The truth of what the tree is beyond your perception of it can't actually be said.

Words themselves don't touch reality.

They are pictures that we paint that help us communicate with each other.

But the words,

The images,

Or symbols,

They are a product of imagination.

And there is a vast difference between imagination and reality.

So there is the reality of the tree,

And then there is what you take for granted.

You turn it into via your imagination.

And so,

Let me continue to use these silly words to point to something that is much more deep than the words.

And that is that this beautiful display of our humanity and relationships and all of the mirrors that we encounter they are fundamentally in service to helping you heal the relationship you have with yourself.

Like we talked about earlier,

There's something that you are fundamentally craving.

And relationships are acting as a mirror that are helping you connect or unite with the thing that is craved.

And there's a thousand different ways to talk about or identify,

Give a name to the thing that you want most.

But we could also describe it as a healed relationship with yourself.

And so when you wake up and step outside and find yourself pissed off at the tree,

Seeing it as ugly,

That is a mirror that is exposing what's going on inside of you,

Which is to some way say that there is conflict in the relationship you have with yourself.

And that conflict is being seen on the surface as a doorway to healing that conflict with yourself.

And this is what all of your external relationships are desperately trying to do is to help you heal the relationship you have with yourself.

And it's wild that we might be totally unaware that that's what's happening.

We might be totally unaware that that's what we really want.

It's almost like saying,

And again,

I'm using silly words,

What you want most is peace,

But you can't have peace because you're in conflict with yourself.

And so in order to have peace,

You need to heal the conflict you have with yourself.

And all of your relationship drama is exposing the conflict you have with yourself.

All the judgements you have towards others are only possible because you have these judgements towards yourself.

You know what's funny as an illustration?

Let's imagine that there's somebody out there who desperately wants a particular type of relationship in their life.

Like,

Oh,

If only I can meet Mr.

Or Mrs.

D.

If only this is right,

Then my life would be solved and I can be happy for the rest of my life.

The classic,

If only,

If only I found the right person.

Don't you see how much that would be completely irrelevant if you still hated yourself?

If you still judged yourself?

If you still felt terribly inadequate?

What I'm alluding to,

And it could take a much longer time to actually go there,

But I'm alluding to the realization that no matter what you think you want in the world,

That is just mirroring something that you more deeply want inside of yourself.

And there's no problem that you might have an image of what that looks like on the surface.

It's a beautiful inner statement to say,

Gosh,

I desire a deeply beautiful relationship with another human being.

That can be a very deeply sincere thing to say.

But here's what I'll tell you.

In order to have a deeply beautiful relationship with another human being,

You have to have a deeply beautiful relationship with yourself.

And quite honestly,

And I say this super compassionately,

Because of the misunderstanding that thinks the prize is on the outside,

When we hear that sincerity that says,

Gosh,

I want a deeply beautiful relationship with another human being,

What we're secretly saying is,

I want another human being to rescue me.

I want another human being to love me because I'm doing such a terrible job loving myself.

Which is effectively to say,

I want to hide behind another human being.

How many of us had played that game?

We all have.

In the same way that we hide behind things in the world.

It's the same mechanism.

You can hide behind a promotion.

You could hide behind a large bank account.

You can hide behind past achievements.

You can hide behind anything in the world.

But the only thing those things are going to do that you're hiding behind,

That you're in relationship with,

Is that they're going to expose what's really going on inside of you.

Which is what we find as we develop resentment towards those things,

Just like we might develop a resentment towards our significant other,

Our family,

Because they're not being how we want them to be,

Which allows us to hide behind them.

If only you would be what I want you to be,

Then I wouldn't have to see my own bullshit.

How adorable is that?

And this is the thing about relationships.

I guess it could be said that even though the image of a particular relationship outcome is not the prize,

Relationships play a vital role in holding space for you to connect with the real prize.

And as you grow,

As you discover a deeper capacity to heal the relationship with yourself,

You begin to master what we will call the art of holding space.

And likewise,

It's incredibly helpful to share space with somebody who does an excellent job of holding space.

But,

It's probably wise to also say that wherever you find yourself and whatever relationship you're currently in,

Is the fertile ground for you to grow.

So again,

So easy it is to say,

If only you were better at holding space,

As if life made you better at holding space,

You've made some sort of mistake and you're not getting the appropriate reflection right now.

Do you think it's possible that the mirror simply cannot be wrong?

That the reflection you're getting is the reflection you need for your particular journey?

If it's a reflection,

How could it be wrong?

It's like looking into a mirror.

And you see what's coming back at you,

But what you're seeing come back at you is simply how you are seeing.

So the question isn't,

How do I change what's in the mirror?

The question is,

How do I see something different?

And ultimately,

To see something different is to see something with more love.

Because if you're seeing something that you don't like,

What you're seeing is your judgment.

Right?

If you see something ugly and you don't like the feeling of ugly,

You're the one that's seeing with ugly eyes.

Here's the thing about the mirror and the reflection.

Put it this way.

We'll return to our analogy of waking up in the morning and stepping outside and seeing the tree.

If you look at the tree and you see something ugly and hateful,

How close do you think you are with seeing the reality of the tree?

Furthermore,

If you step outside and you see a beautiful tree,

Let's say a reflection of a miracle,

How close do you think you are with seeing the reality of the tree?

That's my way of illustrating that the further away you are from seeing the truth of something,

The more painful it will be.

Which is also to say,

The more you have judgment of something,

The more painful it will be.

And the closer you get to seeing the truth of things,

The more beautiful it will be.

And so how do you heal what you see?

See more of the truth of what's actually happening.

Then of course the mind says,

Okay,

But how?

Well,

In one way,

I hope that you see that that's already happening.

This is the journey you're already on.

And everything that you experience,

Every reflection you encounter is somehow a reflection of what's already happening.

Inviting you to get the message that helps you see things more clearly.

You know what's funny?

And not only is it funny,

But it's epically beautiful.

And this isn't some cute spiritual thing to say.

It's deeply true that the totality of life,

Whatever that means,

But I mean everything,

The whole design is 100% in support of you experiencing beautiful reflections and beautiful relationships.

In fact,

So much so,

If you saw the truth of life,

That's all you would see.

Beautiful relationships and miracles everywhere because that's the truth of what's there.

So do you see how it could be true that the totality of everything is 100% in support of you seeing what's actually there?

Because that's what's actually there.

And the pain of not seeing that is an alarm that says,

Hey,

The way you're seeing is not to see what is.

That's the mechanism of the pain.

Just like when you touch fire,

It hurts.

Why?

Don't do that.

The pain is not against you.

It's not a punishment.

It's there to get your attention.

The ugly feeling when you look at the tree is an ugly feeling that says something's wrong here.

Yeah,

The way you're seeing.

In relationship or when there's these weird vibes,

It's like,

Oh,

Something's wrong.

Something's off.

Yeah,

The way you're seeing.

And so what does that present?

It presents an opportunity to get deeply honest about what's really going on,

Which in a relationship setting,

And I love this sort of illustration,

Like if I'm in my relationship with my partner and I feel like there's a weird energy,

Like,

Wait,

Am I being ignored?

Is something wrong with you?

Something feels off.

Something feels gross.

Oh,

It's time for a conversation.

Hey,

What's really going on here?

Do you see that?

Seeking to understand.

Or if there's conflict in a relationship,

There's the deep honesty of,

Hey,

Here's what's going on inside of me right now.

I'm scared.

I feel like this.

I think this.

And it hurts to think that.

Do you see that as a pathway towards healing?

To simply be honest?

Do you see that as the same inside of yourself with your relationship with yourself?

And you know,

Comically,

And I have to say comically gently because whoever's listening might have this experience and it's wrapped up in a bunch of pain,

But so much in our attempt to figure out relationships,

We're trying to be very strategic in an effort to avoid being honest.

In an effort to avoid vulnerability.

In an effort to avoid exposing our heart.

In an effort to make the other person be how we want them to be so that I can keep hiding.

And this is very much in alignment with how we as human beings just live our everyday life.

Where it's not really a question of,

Help me see what's true.

It's a question of,

Help me get what I want.

Because we're confused about what we want.

We think we want something in the world.

Isn't that wild?

And beautifully so,

Because we're adorable human beings and we're super innocent,

We are terrified of honesty because it threatens our integrity.

It threatens the thing we want in the world.

The outcome we're holding on to,

Which is an outcome we're also hiding behind.

Do you notice this in relationship?

Why is it so dangerous to be honest?

To be vulnerable?

Why is it so dangerous to let the truth be the truth?

Because you don't know what's gonna happen.

Because you might not get the outcome you're holding on to.

You convinced yourself that if you get the outcome,

Then you'll be enough.

And so you're gonna keep pretending,

Keep hiding,

Not let your heart breathe so that you get the outcome in the world,

Which isn't what you really want.

What you really want is to let your heart breathe,

Which is also to say,

What you really want is to let the truth be the truth.

Do you see this?

What you really want is to let the truth be the truth,

Which is also like saying,

What you really want is to be yourself.

And furthermore,

As it relates to beautiful relationships,

How can you dive in and be yourself?

How can you dive in to such a depth of intimacy without the risk of vulnerability,

Without risking at all by being honest?

It's the same with life.

Again,

Remember,

Your relationship with another human being is the same as your relationship with life and also with yourself.

So all of these things that I'm saying related to maybe a romantic partner applies to how you dance in life.

You might have a particular outcome in mind with a relationship partner that you're holding onto or hiding behind,

And therefore being honest and vulnerable threatens that outcome,

So you hide your heart.

You don't allow yourself to be honest.

You don't allow yourself to breathe.

You don't allow yourself to feel what you feel.

You don't allow yourself to be real,

Which is really interesting because this whole time you've been in search for the real.

As you've been running around chasing things in the world,

You came to some sort of conclusion that this all feels inauthentic,

Right?

You crave connection,

Yeah?

Well,

Do you crave connection with something that's inauthentic?

Something that's not real?

Is that connection?

Or do you crave a connection with something that's real?

Well,

In order to have a connection with something that's real requires the realness in you.

And that's scary.

Yeah.

So what's the conclusion in all of this?

Probably the same conclusion that I always come to as I open my mouth and say whatever I say.

Be still,

Open up,

Fear less,

Love more.

And all of these questions related to how,

My goodness.

What I really wanna tell you is that there is such a ancient wisdom inside of you that can guide you through your life moment by moment.

But that wisdom is gonna be guided by your deep self-honesty,

By facing the truth.

And so often we want to avoid that part,

Understandably,

Because it can be scary.

And yeah,

Sometimes it's nice to be held or to have someone that holds space for you.

And then sometimes,

Since you are on a journey of learning how to hold space for yourself,

Sometimes you gotta do it on your own.

But also,

Don't use the excuse of,

I gotta do this on my own,

To avoid the opportunity to be vulnerable and be held by another.

I see that so often.

Oh,

I gotta figure this out on my own.

But really,

I don't want somebody else to see how vulnerable I am.

I don't want to acknowledge the reality that I'm struggling.

I want people to think that I have my shit together.

I don't want them to see that I'm just like they are.

I wanna be better than other people.

How about you just be a human being?

How about you just be you?

And let's start there.

Reviews

Really hard and helpful. Blessings 🙏🏼❤️

I will listen again….. loaded as always Tiger with such insight 🙏